Sleeping together on the first date does not make you less of a person, but is it really a good idea? Why wait to know if you and your partner have sexual chemistry? You can always get to know each other better later, right?
Wrong. Although some will attest that sleeping on the first date went well for them, many people had to go through the humiliating experience of realizing that the person who they thought would make an amazing boyfriend or girlfriend turned out to be an asshole.
The pain of an unanswered question can overrule the thought of taking chances and risking your heart in an encounter that could leave you a winner or a loser. That is why you need to know what you are getting into. No matter how much we tell ourselves that the people we’re dating are perfect, circumstances can still change the scope of the game.
What defines a one night stand?
One night stands are fairly obvious once you realize that the person you slept with “forgot” to call forever. The problem with this is that no one really has a clear grasp of what a one-night stand is.
Is it a one-night stand if you have been talking to the person for months before you went on a date? This is true for most online dating websites and applications.
Is it a one-night stand if they still reply to your messages without making any move to make new plans with you?
Is it a one-night stand if you still see them at work, school or any of your regular hangouts where you still manage to exchange pleasantries?
Is it a one-night stand if you went out on a few dates before you slept together?
For those who are not sure, here is the real deal: A one night stand is a one-time thing. You sleep with a person once. After that, one of you will decide that it’s not worth repeating. If it never happens again, that is the end of it. If the person calls you weeks after, it evolves into what we call the “booty call.” [Read: 25 friends with benefits and booty call rules you have to remember!]
Neither of these options sound appealing. For one thing, it is possible that you did not want a one-night stand. If the person does call too late, you might get hurt because all they want is a replay of that one night.
Why do one night stands happen?
This section is not designed to vindicate one person for being a bad judge of character and crucify the other for not wanting to be a relationship. One night stands can be the fault of either the man or the woman.
The point is that two people decided to sleep together. It could be because the moment was too tempting. Marvin Gaye was on full blast. You ate oysters. It was a full moon. There are so many reasons, but the biggest reason is that you were both horny.
Do not mistake your boiling blood and their sparkling eyes as an admission of love. Sex that happens at that rate is like a nuclear bomb that was lost at sea. You never know if it will explode into a mushroom cloud of emotion or drop like a dud down to the seabed with an audible thunk. [Read: 13 lusty signs of sexual attraction you need to keep your eye on]
Who decides whether it’s a one night stand or not?
This depends on the separate point-of-views of the people involved.
# Maybe one of you didn’t have fun.
# The sex was bad.
# They had a girlfriend/boyfriend you didn’t know about.
# They met someone new once they stepped out your front door.
# They just wanted sex and only sex.
# They went out with you knowing it would become a one-night stand.
How do you know if your date will end up as a one night stand?
The problem with one night stands is that you never know if it’s going to happen or not. Some people will announce this point-blank, but most people will never admit to it. It is up to you to read the signs and decide for yourself whether the other person’s intentions towards you are genuine. These scenarios will help you determine whether a person wants a single productive date or a long-term investment in a relationship.
#1 Texts, emails and chats can tell a lot about a person. A pre-existing conversation can give away a person’s intentions. If you just talked to this person and they immediately opened up about sex, they are probably only interested in sleeping with you. [Read: 11 signs your date’s into you only for the sex or your money]
#2 Where are they taking you? If this person asks you out for a drink as opposed to a conservative setting, i.e. dinner, movies, bowling, etc., there is a big possibility that they want you to loosen up enough to be open for sex.
This is the most obvious setup, but some dates can progress into the same situation even if it occurs at a coffee shop. Just know that when alcohol is primarily involved, the possibility of a relationship seems very bleak. Don’t close your door if someone asks you out for a drink, though. People have different tastes and interests. Going out for drinks could be something that the person is accustomed to.
#3 If you met your partner while you’re out. Meeting a stranger and sleeping with them leaves you open for a whole lot of consequences. One of these is ending up as a one night stand. Getting drunk and sleeping with a person you like does not guarantee a future relationship.
#4 If you met through work, mutual friends or somewhere you frequent. This setting can give you the best advantage. Knowing someone beforehand will give you an idea of how they operate. Your friends and co-workers will have some insight on whether the person is looking for a relationship or not.
While you’re on the date…
The first date will give you the impression you need to determine whether you will end up as a one night stand. What a person talks about, how they treat you or other people and how they act can give you an insight on how your night will end. [Read: 13 warnings signs to keep an eye on during the first few dates]
#6 Talking about sex. When your date talks about sex during dinner, you can be sure that they are planning on sleeping with you after. People who immediately put sex on the table – pun intended – are more likely to engage in a one night stand.
#7 Lack of attention. If they are paying more attention to their phone, food or coffee while you’re talking, that person is showing that they have no intention of getting to know you on a personal level. You neither deserve this nor should you put up with it!
#8 Self praise. A person who keeps talking about themselves without letting you in on the conversation is usually invested in making themselves look good in order to attract you. By excluding you from the conversation, it shows that they are building themselves up to get something out of you. This does not bode well for a possible relationship.
#9 Roving eyes. If they keep admiring other people when they think you’re not looking, they probably have no qualms about leaving you after you sleep together. If a person asked you out or said yes to a date, they should control themselves in your presence even if it’s just for pretense.
#10 The way the date ends. If they ask to go back to your place or theirs without establishing any sort of trust in the conversation, it’s a sure sign that all they want is sex. If both of you did not share anything about yourselves, yet they still decide to go home together, a one-night stand is inevitable.
#11 The timing. Any date that occurs after 11pm or midnight *it used to be 9-10pm, but times have changed*, the person who asked you out has no intention of taking you out long enough to have a good time. You will inevitably end up in bed by 1 or 2am.
The morning after…
Some dive into the situation expecting this kind of behavior from the person they’re involved with, but some are still inept to the basics of the situation. Many wonder if it’s their fault or if they’re just really, really unlucky. For those who decide to take a chance and see where the night goes, there are some obvious signs to look out for after the date ends. [Read: A girl’s guide to making the morning walk of shame feel more respectable]
#12 They leave in the middle of the night. This rarely requires an explanation, but people who leave immediately after sex have no intention of doing this again.
#13 They decline breakfast because they have to work on a weekend. If they really liked you, they wouldn’t have set a date that was limited by work.
#14 They don’t kiss you before they leave. You just slept together. Is kissing suddenly off the table because of morning breath? That’s why you have an extra toothbrush, right?
#15 Their body language will give them away. Talking to you while their torso is pointing towards the door or not making eye contact means that they are distancing themselves from you.
#16 Saying “I’ll call you” without a definite time. This could mean that they have no intention of doing so. But yet, some people really do call. Just don’t expect it to happen any time soon.
[Read: The 10 worst people you could ever find yourself in a one night stand with!]
To avoid having dates that turn into one-night stands, be open and honest with the person that you’re seeing. If that person is not being honest with you, at least you have these 16 tips to guide you in finding out if they want to be in a relationship or not.
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