10 Ways to Handle Sexual Frustration with Your Partner
Frustration is never a good look. When you’re starting to feel it in your sexual relationship, it’s time to turn to these healing methods.
As much as you love your husband, there are probably times when you just feel like giving up. As much as you adore your wife, she probably gets under your skin often. It should be of some relief to know that this is usually what happens when you are with the same person for years on end. As normal as this is, do not let things spiral out of control, because once it crosses the line of no return, it’s only a hop, skip and jump away from a breakup.
To be honest, I am guilty of these emotions, and after speaking to several others, I discovered that it is totally normal. Be it man or woman, human beings are emotional and expressive creatures. It is not easy to compartmentalize the variety of emotions that we feel on a daily basis, without them overlapping with one another.
Being disgruntled with your lover, no matter the reason, is normal, but being that this person is supposed to be the most important person in your life, you should take extra care to not make things any worse. Sure, it may be a two way street, but if you are the one feeling these negative emotions, then you are the one who is going to have to make a positive change. [Read: 10 common relationship problems and how to fix them]
There is nothing wrong with brushing off the sporadic pangs of frustration with your partner, especially in the bedroom. But if they crop up more often and take longer to go away, you have to man up and confront them head on. Being frustrated with one another is normal, but do not let something as minor as annoyance turn into raging hatred and outright aversion to your partner’s touch. You have to take the necessary steps to change this.
Signs that you’re frustrated with your partner
Although there are plenty of other indications, below are the top three signs that indicate innate frustration with your lover.
#1 No touching. If you have no interest in touching your lover, you can take it as a clear cut sign that you are frustrated, whether it is emotionally, sexually or both. You could be mad at your partner and holding off on sex solely on principle, or you simply have better things to do with your time than to make love. Either way, if you would rather shovel dirt than be intimate with your partner, you can chalk that up as being very frustrated with one another. [Read: 12 ways to keep intimacy alive in a relationship]
#2 Everything annoys you. Not wanting to have sex is one thing. Not wanting to have anything to do with your spouse is another. You may have instances whereby everything about your partner annoys the hell out of you. From his nasally voice to the way she drives, from the way he eats noodles to the way she sleeps.
If you are feeling particularly angry and cannot pinpoint why and how these feelings were triggered, you are probably feeling sexually frustrated. There is no denying that sex makes people happy. If you are not getting laid, there is a good chance that you have turned into an angry individual. Many people tend to lash out at their partners, because they unconsciously blame them for their frustration and lack of sex.
#3 You imagine someone else. Another obvious sign that you are sexually frustrated with your partner is when you have to imagine someone else while making love. Whether it is the hot new guy at your office or the sexy barista at Starbucks who makes your morning coffee, if you have to imagine another face while making love to your partner, you are probably feeling sexually and emotionally frustrated with them. It could indicate that you are bored or simply having bad sex. Either way, it is not a good sign for your relationship. [Read: How to use your fantasies with someone else to make sex more exciting]
What to do if you’re sexually frustrated with your partner
Whether emotionally or physically, it is normal to experience frustration with your lover from time to time. But before you let it spill over into outright resentment, try these 10 methods of dealing with your frustration.
#1 Make time for intimacy. This is something that both, you and and lover, have to take to heart. If you want more sex, you are going to have to make time for it. People say that the longer you are with someone, the less sex you tend to have, and this rings true for many.
Kids, work and life tend to get in the way of a sexual romp. After a long day at work and dealing with rowdy children, the last thing many couples want to do is work up a sweat between the sheets. However, this is when things get frustrating. You will end up blaming each other for the lack of sex, and resentment eventually sets in. Combat this by consciously making time for intimacy.
#2 Pepper sexual innuendos into daily life. Get your loved one excited about sex by openly talking about it. There is nothing wrong with playing the part of a kinky sex fiend with your partner. Whether it is using SnapChat to send naughty pictures of yourself, or texting something dirty during a boring work meeting, do what you can to liven things up.
The beauty of technology is that it can help you enhance your sex life, and you should take full advantage of it. Even if things do not lead to sex that very evening, at least your moves will get your lover excited. This will undoubtedly quell plenty of the pent-up sexual frustration. [Read: 20 naughty questions to ask your partner]
#3 Play with yourself. If you are feeling particularly dissatisfied with your lover and want to release tension, then go right ahead and masturbate. Even if you are having consistently great sex, there is nothing wrong with pleasuring yourself every so often.
The great thing about playing with yourself is that you know just what turns you on. If you are unhappy with your lover, you can let them know what gets you hot, and one way to discover this is through masturbating. If you can heighten the pleasure felt during sex, it will take plenty of the frustration away.
#4 Release stress. Although sex is a surefire way to release stress, it may not be an option, if you are feeling particularly frustrated with your lover. Find other outlets to release your anger. It could be going on a run, signing up for a yoga course, taking a relaxing hike in the hills, engaging in paintball or anything else that will get your heart racing and blood pumping. You will find that the more relaxed your body and mind feel, the less frustrated you will be with the people around you. [Read: 14 quick stress busters to release the frustration]
#5 Channel energy towards hobbies. Another way to lessen your frustration with your lover is to take your mind off it. Channel your annoyance towards hobbies. It could be something as mundane as knitting, or something more rigorous like rock climbing. No matter what you end up doing, make sure that at the end of the day, your chosen distraction is more productive than it is destructive.
#6 Look after yourself. Something else that you can do to lessen resentment towards your spouse is to take care of yourself. There is nothing wrong with being a little selfish, because at the end of the day, if you are not happy, then none of your relationships will be either.
Start by boosting your confidence. You can start an exercise regime to lose weight, get a haircut, treat yourself to a makeover, start eating right or doing all the above. Once you start looking good on the outside, you will feel much better on the inside and everyone will benefit from this, especially your lover.
#7 Pick up a sexual skill. You will be surprised at how awesome having fun and unconventional sex can be in everyday life. If you are in a long term relationship, you can attest to the fact that day in and day out of the same thing can get a little dull.
Spice things up and inject passion into your sex life by picking up a sexual skill. It could be signing up for pole dancing classes or going all out and signing up for a month-long Kama Sutra course. No matter what you end up doing, it will greatly benefit your relationship with your lover, as injecting something fresh and new between the sheets never did anyone any harm.
#8 Play with toys. Do not underestimate the importance of props. Head to a sex shop with your lover and buy whatever catches your eye. From something tame like flavored lube to something adventurous like butt plugs, do not be shy to try new things. When you embark on a new sexual journey with your lover, you will find that there is no space or time to be frustrated with one another, as the exciting pleasure will trump all the negative feelings. [Read: 50 kinky ideas to make sex more exciting]
#9 Accept that there are things you can’t change. You may be feeling frustrated with your partner, because there are many things in life that you cannot change, and the obvious thing to do is to take it out on the person closest to you.
Your lover is not your punching bag. You have to understand that there are many things in life that you cannot change and that you simply have to live with them. Going bald, battling a lowered libido, gaining weight because of your age, having no time because of kids and many others are all grievances that can affect your sex life. Address these issues, accept them as part and parcel of life, and you will find your dissatisfaction with your lover lessen significantly.
#10 Talk it out. If nothing else works, do not be ashamed to reach out for help. Make an appointment for a solo session with a therapist and talk it out. Once you feel comfortable, invite your lover to join in the sessions and talk about what is bothering you as a couple.
Communication is key when dealing with anger and resentment, and if you cannot do this on your own, do not be afraid to seek help. If sex is indeed the problem, seeing a sex therapist will give you plenty of advice on what you can do as a couple to ease the frustration.
In the end, you should always remember that happiness is a choice. Although there are things in life that you can’t change, there are many others that you can. Your mindset is one of them.
Do not wait too long to address the issue of your frustration. Tackle it head on as a team sooner rather than later. Before you know it, you will feel like a couple of smitten teenagers again.