Why Do All the Nice Guys Suck at Online Dating?
There are so many eligible guys out there with stunning track records, but why do they always end up with the short end of the online dating stick? By Danielle Anne Suleik
I admit that I am also guilty of foregoing the nice guy in a crisp, clean shirt for the ruggedly handsome deadbeat with no medical insurance. Why? Because I had problems. The surprising thing, however, is that majority of the female population apparently have the same problems.
Why do so many women complain about not finding a good guy, when they purposely reject every mediocre-looking Prince Charming that comes their way? The answer: society. A lot of people start to agree with a certain attitude and mind set, because there are people or groups of people who can confirm that they themselves have experienced the same thing.
Things are the way they are because we cannot compartmentalize every little hang-up every woman has, unless it turns out to be something really serious like a mental disorder. When you start to believe that something is a fact, you start to agree with said fact and apply it to future situations.
What does this mean for nice guys?
Unfortunately, this is bad news for nice guys. Most of the women who you think are rejecting you are part of a bigger phenomenon that has no immediate solution as of yet. Admittedly, the world is changing at a rapid pace, which means that this sort of mindset may or may not disappear within the next ten years or so.
For now, the best thing you can do when you’re a nice guy looking for a date is to adjust to the circumstances, no matter how much it galls you. BUT, I digress. There is something you can do that won’t necessitate changing who you are and what you believe in, which is being nice.
Instead of turning into an asshole just to sate the borderline tendencies of many attractive women, try being patient and see where the wind blows. You don’t need to play any games. You just have to adjust the level of your affections, because it’s the SMART thing to do.
What is a nice guy?
Before anything else, let us explain to you what a nice guy is. This way, you can understand why they act that way and why it’s not such a bad thing.
#1 A nice guy is someone who is looking for a relationship. Nice guys are less likely to engage in temporary trysts, because they are aware of the consequences that a woman will face because of it. They would rather be in a relationship than play around, because that’s just the way they are.
#2 A nice guy is someone who is looking for a good girl or a bad girl he can change. Nice guys have standards, but those standards aren’t limited to what they encounter. If a girl does not fit his standards, he starts to develop a knight-in-shining-armor complex. This does not bode well, because most women don’t like it when men try to control them.
#3 A nice guy looks at the long-term. The scary part about this way of thinking is that it becomes fairly obvious early on in the dating stage. Women who want to date are generally looking for a relationship, but they want to take their time to see if the man they’re dating is worth staying with for the long term. A nice guy starts to give off this vibe or even announces it early on.
#4 A nice guy prioritizes his values. A nice guy will not change the way he thinks for the girl he likes. If he’s the monogamous type, he will expect his girl to be the same. If he was brought up to be a gentleman, you will see that and he won’t think anything of it. He won’t push you to think the way he does, but he won’t be changing anytime soon just to suit your needs. What a nice guy, right?
#5 A nice guy will treat you like a queen, even when you treat him like a peasant. They always make excuses, especially for the girl they like. They would rather suffer your wrath, rather than give up on making you feel special. Ugh. Nice guys.
#6 A nice guy never lets you pay. Seriously. They don’t! Once you’re in a relationship, you start to split the bill, but look closely. He’s still paying for more than you are.
#7 A nice guy always asks first. No matter what the activity is, the nice guy will always ask for your permission. Whether it’s to take you out, kiss you or even give you an early gift. I don’t know why, but going to the bathroom seems like an independent decision, but some will still ask. [Read: 15 reasons why nice guys finish last all the time]
Nice guys and online dating
Nice guys tend to use online dating as a last resort, because all their options have been exhausted in real life. Most nice guys have a specific type of girl that they’re looking for. That’s why online dating is perfect for them. They can input a certain set of traits that they want and an algorithm whips up a selection that turns out to be almost perfect.
#1 OkCupid, Match.com, E-harmony, etc. These sites are the perfect place for nice guys to troll. But they’d never call it that. These sites have certain algorithms that can help nice guys get the best match, without having to scour the entire web-space.
Women go on dating sites like these because they want to find someone to be in a relationship with. Perfect, right? But nice guys still fail. I wonder why?
#2 Tinder and other hook-up Apps. These types of apps have now built a reputation for matching people based on appearances only. People are lazy when it comes to getting to know someone through chat or e-mail, so things happen fast when you’re on apps like these.
Nice guys still try their luck on Tinder and such, because there is always a possibility that a girl will want to be in a relationship with them. The probability is very slim, however, because these apps give you an exponential amount of options that leaves you little time to get to know someone on a deeper level.
Why nice guys fail at online dating
Since their options are endless, why is it that nice guys fail more than they succeed at online dating? As I’ve mentioned above, there are certain aspects of women’s thought processes that lead them to think that nice guys don’t deserve their time. Sheesh. It’s true, though, so let’s see why that is:
#1 They give compliments, not pick-up lines. When I asked a bunch of girls why they reject guys who give them compliments on online dating sites, they get really twitchy and mottled. When they finally give an honest answer, they admitted that they always take compliments with a grain of salt, because they prefer compliments about their personalities as opposed to their appearances.
But then again, it’s a dating site. A woman’s appearance is the first thing that you may notice, but try mentioning something from their profile. I repeat, mention, not compliment. [Read: 14 important dos and don’ts of online dating]
#2 They post NICE pictures. Nice guys have nice pictures. You can see a flattering, cropped headshot, a graduation picture, a scenic photo of an expensive vacation or an awkward pose at work. Unfortunately, these are the pictures that women want: a high-definition photo of half or your whole body, a shirtless photo at the beach *not indoors in front of a bathroom*, a photo with you and your friends at a moderately expensive bar, and a photo with a dog. Those are non-negotiable.
#3 They dial down the sexy. Nice guys can be sexy, but they tend to tone it down when they first meet someone. Because they are nice, they do not want to offend a girl or make them feel objectified and uncomfortable. Sadly, fellas, that’s what most women want these days.
#4 They are too attentive. Or clingy. Whichever way you put it, giving too much attention can be suffocating for most people – not just girls. I know you’re excited to talk to the person you like, but you need to focus on yourself and continue with your routine. Make up for lost time when you see each other again. Just don’t be too fixated on what she’s doing all day long.
#4 They elaborate. Everything has a story behind it. That doesn’t mean that you need to tell each and every one of those stories. Nice guys tend to ramble on about mundane things, because those are the only nice things they think are worth talking about. It’s better for you to keep things simple, unless prodded. You’re not on an interview. You’re just chit-chatting online.
#5 Their jokes are sort of bland. The jokes aren’t the problem. Nice guys are just more prone to fail at their delivery, because of their mild-mannered dispositions. If you have enough confidence to pull it off, hooray. But for those of you who are shy, I suggest sticking to a funny story instead.
#6 They aren’t assertive. A lot of complaints I hear about nice guys is that they don’t go after what they want. Women like to feel wanted and needed. If a guy doesn’t ask her out soon, the girl will assume that the guy doesn’t like her. That’s when her attention will start to wane and she’ll start looking for more assertive men.
Online dating may be pretty new for you, and there are a lot of kinks that still need to be ironed out. If you’re a nice guy looking to reel in an awesome gal, be patient. Take your time and don’t settle for girls who won’t give you the time of day because you’re not an asshole.