We all know the guy who makes us throw all common sense out the window. We know they’re so, so bad for us, but we don’t care. Being guided by chemistry and pleasure, whatever pain they cause can’t touch the way they make us feel. The problem is that if it didn’t work the first time and they didn’t treat you well enough to keep you, history is likely to repeat itself.
Just because he is showing up on your doorstep begging for your forgiveness and saying that he can’t live without you, or that you are the only one for him, that doesn’t mean that he isn’t the same guy who broke your heart in the past.
Serial heartbreakers don’t typically change. Fool me once, fine. Everyone can fall in love with that type of personality once, throwing caution to the wind, thinking that they are somehow different. But if the signs are there twice, then don’t fall for it again.
In most relationships that end badly and someone really gets hurt, they surely had forewarnings along the way, if not right from the get-go. The key is to wake up and see the signs, even if you don’t want to. [Read: Is he interested in you for all the wrong reasons?]
9 questions to ask yourself to see if you were fooled once and will be fooled again
Whatever it is about him that drives you wild is not worth being belittled, cheated on, or just plain treated insignificantly. Before you believe him that his tears are real, look at this checklist of 9 questions to help you determine if he’s likely to fool you again and again.
#1 What did you think when you met him? When you met him, did you think that you were the luckiest woman in the entire world? Guys who are self-involved and make you feel like they are doing you a favor are likely narcissists, and as anyone knows, narcissists not only do not change, but they are also never going to give you what you need to be whole, happy and secure in your relationship.
If you’ve always felt that he was better than you, then it will probably never work. Idolization is different from love, and it is important to know the difference. [Read: 10 signs you’re dating a self-obsessed narcissist!]
#2 Did you catch him lying? The key to any successful relationship is trust and honesty. If he looked you right in the eye over and again and lied to you, then you would be a fool to engage in a relationship with him again. You can’t have a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t honest. It will always leave you wondering whether or not he is telling the truth, and that is a very difficult thing to live with. Being honest with the person you love is key to a happy union. [Read: The easiest ways to catch a lying boyfriend]
#3 Did he cheat on you? Okay, I know this is going to cause some controversy, but in my experience, once a cheat, always a cheat. There are likely going to be all sorts of reasons that he will give you for why he went astray, but they will most likely all revolve around what you didn’t do for him, or how he felt. There is hardly ever any discussion about how you felt when he cheated.
The guy who cheats is likely someone who will put his own needs ahead of yours. The next time there is something amiss in the relationship, he will probably do it again. Unfortunately, a leopard doesn’t change his spots. If he cheated once and broke your heart, he has the human capacity to do it again. There is a difference in character between those who make a commitment and keep it and those who don’t. [Read: 16 subtle signs he’s definitely cheating on you!]
#4 Did he go out with someone immediately after you? If he went out with someone immediately after he broke your heart, then he really didn’t take much time to grieve your loss. He will likely tell you that he tried being with someone, but it just didn’t work. What that really translates into is, “I can’t be on my own.” It didn’t work with you, so he bounced into someone else’s arms.
When it doesn’t work with you again, he will likely bounce again. That isn’t to say that someone can’t make a mistake and want you back, but if they were able to hop into bed with someone else the next night, then that is behavior that you really have to think twice about. A guy who isn’t fazed by losing love upfront is likely to fool you again.
#5 How do your friends talk about him now that he is gone? Have you ever noticed that your closest friends and family members typically wait until he is gone to say things like, “I always hated that guy.” If you find that those who love you most have always felt that there was something not right about your boyfriend, they didn’t like him, or they didn’t like the way he treated you, then it’s best to move along.
He may have fooled you, but he certainly wasn’t fooling others in your life who didn’t have stars in their eyes. Don’t be fooled again—see him through your other loved ones’ eyes. [Read: 13 signs your friends are ruining your relationship]
#6 How quickly did he change his Facebook status? If he wasn’t out the door for more than two seconds before you were history and he was uploading his new status on Facebook, then he didn’t really care about you as much as you thought. If he wasn’t fazed by your broken heart and felt that two minutes was an appropriate length of time to announce his new freedom, then he was on the lurch before he made the status change. It’s all right to get back on the horse, but at least wait until the first body is dead. [Read: How Facebook ruins relationships: 15 things to remember]
#7 Did you lose a whole bunch of weight? If you two broke up and immediately afterwards, you lost a whole lot of weight, then that may be a sign that you were losing physical attraction for your mate, or that you just didn’t care that much about keeping him to begin with. Gaining weight is usually a sign of depression or a lack of caring for the way you look. When someone is good for you and challenges you to be your best, you want to be your best, not break out the sweat pants and pile on the poundage.
Your weight is a good measure of your happiness in a relationship. If you find that you lost weight without even trying, it may be due to stress and grief, or it may be that you secretly weren’t as in love as you thought. Maybe there was something that you were negating in your own feelings. Just because he wants you back does not mean that you want him back. You may have been fooling yourself into thinking that it was something that it wasn’t all along. [Read: 12 signs that you’re starting to fall out of love]
#8 Do you find yourself smiling more and feeling happier? There are always going to be times when someone leaves and you are going to miss them and feel low. But if after the initial shock and despair wears off, you suddenly find that a weight has lifted, then he may not have been the one fooling you—you may have been fooling yourself.
You are always going to move on and find a new normal, but if you notice right away that you feel better, less stressed, or less lonely, then it may be that you didn’t really love him the way that you thought. He may have done you a favor by cutting you loose. [Read: 10 reasons why you feel relieved after breaking up]
#9 Did the comeback kid come back after seeing you with someone else? If he broke up with you for no real reason, but then after seeing you with someone else, he all of a sudden has to have you back, that is a red flag that you are likely going to get fooled again.
The type of guy who gives no reason for breaking it off but comes back the minute you find someone else is someone who wants what he can’t have and doesn’t want what he does have. Don’t invest your time in someone who only wants you as a notch in his bedpost or display on his arm. He fooled you into believing you were his number-one to get you to fall in love, and then once there, he didn’t want you anymore. Sound familiar?
There are all sorts of ways that we can be fooled by those we love, as well as ourselves. If you have a guy on your porch begging to have you back, it’s important to examine the details of your relationship as objectively as you can. [Read: 12 subtle signs you’re being manipulated by your lover]
When someone ends a relationship and hurts you, you are likely to remember only what you miss, and negate the things you don’t. It’s okay that you took a leap of faith the first time around. But this time, however, make sure that you look before you leap to protect yourself from getting fooled again.
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A writer isn’t born, but created out of experiences. No lack of subject matter, my life reads more like fiction than anything that could have been imagined...
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