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Soft Swap: How to Ease Your Partner into the Experience

Does the idea of swinging pique your curiosity? Have you ever approached it with your partner? Perhaps a soft swap could be your first step.

soft swap

The swinger lifestyle has long been a subject of taboo. Despite that, everyone is curious about it, whether they admit it or not! For sure, swinging isn’t for everyone but for those who are keen to try, a soft swap could be a good first step to test out the waters.

Perhaps the reason why swinging is often whispered about is because we don’t really understand it. Those who swing regularly are often part of a community of like-minded people who engage in their own type of fun. As long as it’s consensual and everyone’s having a great time, there’s no place for judgment.

Of course, raising the idea of swinging with your partner can be nerve-wracking, especially if you’ve never talked about it as a couple before. [Read: The do’s and don’ts of swinging you have to follow]

First things first, the basics of swinging

If you’re not aware, the swinging lifestyle involves couples who engage in sexual activity with other couples. In some cases, they invite a single person into their bed, known as a unicorn. There are no romantic feelings involved with swinging and there are boundaries in place for each couple.

For instance, a couple may agree that they can both have sex with another couple but no kissing can take place, because it seems too intimate. It may be that the couple don’t engage in penetrative sex with other couples, but they engage in other activities instead. Swinging as a couple can take any form you want it to take but it has to be consensual on all levels and both partners need to be onboard and comfortable with everything that is happening.

Couples often use swinging websites to find other couples, attend invite-only parties, or find other likeminded couples via word of mouth. Safety has to come into consideration, of course, which is why many couples stick to official sites. [Read: The sexy swinging lifestyle: How to make it work for you]

So, what is a soft swap?

As described by people in the lifestyle, soft swapping is “swinging with kid gloves.” It is a milder form of swinging compared to a “full swap” where two or more couples exchange partners and have full sexual intercourse with them. Soft swapping involves flirting, kissing, touching, and oral sex at the most, but absolutely no sexual intercourse.

Soft swapping is considered to be the gateway to serious swinging. First timers often do a soft swap initially to measure their comfort level in swinging, and check if they can push their boundaries further. As a result, a soft swap often makes or breaks your swinging lifestyle. Many couples also use a soft swap to work out whether this is something they want to embark on further. If after trying this softer version one partner doesn’t want to go further, the idea of swinging is cancelled. [Read: Threesome tips and 20 things you HAVE to know before entering one]

How to approach the idea of a soft swap with your partner

If you’ve never talked about swinging with your partner before, approaching the idea is going to cause a considerable amount of nerves, for sure. Think about these points before you broach the subject.

1. Breaking it to them

Asking your partner to swing may be the most difficult part of the process. Anticipate that you may be met with various reactions if you just pop it out of nowhere. So before you break the question, here are some things you need to consider:

What do you know about swinging?

Is your swinging fantasy based on real information, the movies you watch, or something purely from your fantasies? Knowing what really happens in a swinger’s party helps you come to terms with your expectations. And, of course, if you’ll be the one asking, you’ll also have the responsibility of explaining. [Read: How to start swinging with your partner]

What is your partner’s opinion about swinging or soft swapping?

Do they know about it? Have they considered doing it? Have they mentioned it in one of your talks? Knowing what your partner thinks about the lifestyle helps you determine if asking them to participate will be easy or difficult.

Setting it up

In case they are interested, it falls on to you to set up how you’ll participate in a swinger’s party. This process needs a great deal of research and talking as a couple. Consider your boundaries and the things you want to experience. [Read: The 10 rules of swinging]

The right timing

Swingers themselves confess that you get interested in the lifestyle either if you’re a young couple in a long relationship, or old enough that your kids have started their own lives themselves. Interest in swapping is brought about by the need to add some adventure in the relationship. Therefore, it is important to know if your current lifestyle can handle the demands of engaging in this practice. 

2. Know your apprehensions as a couple

Some partners would be against the idea for a number of personal reasons. It falls on you as the initiator, so set things straight and be honest regarding your expectations and motives to trying this new act. Being honest helps you come to terms with those apprehensions and lets you determine your boundaries in case you’ll try swinging. [Read: A couple’s guide to swapping partners with another couple]

Some common apprehensions towards swinging and soft swapping include:

  • Jealousy. A partner may disagree and even be furious that you even proposed or thought of swapping partners. Keep in mind you’re doing the act as a couple and with each other’s consent.
  • Sexually-transmitted diseases. This is a valid concern and a real risk due to the nature of the lifestyle. Despite this concern, swingers themselves follow strict health and safety rules because they are aware of the risks themselves. Take precautions or ask for test results to reassure you from this concern.
  • Privacy and safety. What if someone takes pictures and spreads them on the internet? This has happened, but rarely. If privacy is your concern, be assured swingers themselves are strict about taking photos and other media during their parties. You can also choose an amateur swinger’s party which may be smaller and more intimate to protect your privacy. [Read: How to have better sex: 13 ways to change the way you make love]

3. Do some research and gather information regarding soft swapping

Now that you’ve talked and laid out your concerns and apprehensions, it is time you gather real information about soft swapping and the swinger lifestyle. This helps dispel false information that you may have about the lifestyle. Knowing what really happens in a swinger’s party helps you prepare and adjust to your own comfort, in case you’ve decided to actually participate.

Despite popular opinion that swingers are just wild, sex-crazed individuals; they actually are very respectful of each other’s preferences and boundaries. They have a set of rules you have to follow involving sexual contact and common decency that you’d otherwise find lacking in your local dive bar. [Read: 9 Types of wild sex parties you can have at home]

The lifestyle is not just about sex, but they act as a support group with a lot of love and relationship wisdom to share for your insight. You’ll be surprised that swinger parties involve more socializing than sex.

4. Talk about your boundaries as a couple

What are you both happy with and what aren’t you? What does your partner not want you to do and what don’t you want them to do? It’s important to set boundaries and to never breech them. A huge part of swinging is trust. You have to be able to trust your partner to stick to the boundaries you’ve agreed as a couple. Going against them means that you’re not respecting your partner’s feelings.

Have a very in-depth conversation about this and then summarize and outline the boundaries you’ve agreed on. [Read: A guide on effective communication in a relationship]

5. Setting the time and date

Once you’re satisfied with the information you have and considered both your expectations and apprehensions, time to set the date. Remember, you pick and choose from a variety of swinger parties provided by dating websites online, or you might solicit the advice of a friend who is acquainted with the lifestyle.

6. Constantly reassure your partner

Even if your partner agrees and has dressed for the event, they might have some jitters that might make them back out. It is up to you to reassure your partner that you are there along with them. They do not need to do anything that they are uncomfortable with. Also remind them that this is just a soft swap. Compliment them and stay sweet during the whole event. [Read: 10 vital things a beginner should expect at a sex party]

7. Remember that anyone can back out if things get too much

Always remind yourself and your partner that any one of you can bail out of the act if it proves too much to handle. No one is coerced during a soft swap, and you can switch to having sex with your own partner anyway.

Moving from soft swaps to full swinging

The natural next step after a soft swap is to consider whether you want to move into the full swinging lifestyle or not. For some couples, just one soft swap is enough to show them that they don’t want to take things further. If that’s the case for you, that’s fine. Swinging isn’t for everyone and you’ve satisfied your curiosity by giving it a try. [Read: 20 Hot sex ideas to blow your lover’s mind in bed]

It’s vital that you sit down as a couple after the event and have a debrief. It’s also essential that you’re honest with one another. It could be that one partner loved the experience but the other wasn’t so keen. Don’t pretend you enjoyed it if you didn’t. If one partner doesn’t want to try it again then you have to respect their wishes – remember that your relationship is far more important at the end of the day.

Your discussion will iron out any problems and help you both to decide what you think about taking things further. Either way, you’ve tried something new!

[Read: 20 sexually enlightening movies all about sexuality]

Entering the swinger lifestyle can be a gamble, but a soft swap helps you to decide if it’s for you. If you play your cards right, you might get the most intense and sexiest experience of your relationship.

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Paul_Mangay
Paul Timothy Mangay
Paul aka Morty is a keyboard-pounding cubicle-dweller based in Manila where he occasionally moonlights as a writer for anyone in need of his mediocre word-strin...
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