Don’t you just hate it when you think your date is going great—romantic dinner, Spanish guitar player serenading you, nightcap at their place, then you go to their bathroom to freshen up, and you find a hyper-realistic brunette sex doll just lounging in his bathtub or her Democratic Blue Obama dildo just sitting on a shelf? Yikes!
It’s the 21st century, and people are still skirting the idea of sex. The uproar over the Fifty Shades of Grey book trilogy just goes to show that people are still uncomfortable talking about sex or the enjoyment of sex by regular people, or in this case by middle aged women of America who are said to comprise the Fifty Shades’ reading demographic. Oddly enough, we don’t seem to have a problem with Nicky Minaj’s “Anaconda” music video nor Kim Kardashian’s ass.
We all have our own sexual oddities. Some like being nipped while doing the nasty, some like doing the nibbling. Some prefer the usual comfortable positions, while some couples like ticking off every position in the Kama Sutra. Some like to experiment with sex toys, while others prefer going at it au naturel.
Sex toys come in a variety of colors, shapes and functions. Some are just risqué, like cock rings or cherry-scented lube. Some will put a blush in any airport security personnel’s face, if you put it in your check-in baggage. And then there are those that are just downright nasty.
The weirdest sex toys to ever exist
Curious to know just how far people will go to achieve sexual pleasure? Here are some that can give you the heebie-jeebies. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
#1 Obama dildo. Since I already mentioned it, let’s tackle the “Head O State Obama Sex Toy.” It comes in two colors, Democratic Blue and Presidential Gold. Eerily enough, it features the smiling President’s bulbous head, in a blue suit and tie, or a golden cravat. While some people put on their best suits and dresses when meeting the Head of State, you only need to come in your birthday suit.
#2 Succu Dry. Remember that movie with this young girl, lovely face, awesome hair, teeth on her vagina? Yes, TEETH. It was a movie straight from our worst nightmares. Imagine that clamping on to your… [cue Wilhelm scream]. This toy comes in a can exterior with a simulated rubber mouth in the opening. Now imagine adding two fangs, and you’ve got a Fleshlight to Succ you dry.
#3 Vajankle. Experimenting with sex toys is a sexual fetish. So is wearing heels while having sex, or wearing nothing but a choker, or biting your partner during lovemaking. The Vajankle is a specialized kind of Fleshlight. It is a marriage between two sexual fetishes—sex toys and foot fetish. However, as Fleshlights go, it is definitely in a league of its own.
It is a Fleshlight, encased in a silicon hyper-realistic severed foot. A vagina in an ankle, hence, Vajankle! It is available in a variety of flesh colors and you can even choose the nail polish. Try Nars Pussy Galore nail polish or just plain Pussy Red.
#4 Latex Vac Bed. Clothes and sheets are vacuum sealed to conserve space. Grocery items are sealed to preserve freshness. People are vacuum-sealed for what exactly? The Latex Vac Bed is a framed bed composed of two sheets of black latex. A person can lie in between the sheets and be vacuum-sealed, like G.I. Joe figures encased in hard plastic. There seems to be nothing remotely lusty about being bound in black latex sheets but then again, different strokes for different blokes.
#5 Holy Water Plug. There’s no going around it, so here it goes. It’s a 2-inch metal plug that goes in your weiner. Sounds like a 10-word horror story, right? The Holy Water Plug is a thin metal tube attached to a metal cross with a hole in the middle to allow piss to flow out. Why, oh why, would you want to insert something metal inside your dick?! Fun manufacturer’s website quote: “It is one sleek piece of dick-metal.”
#6 The Bird Cage. It’s like Sia’s Elastic Heart music video, but way creepier. The Bird Cage is a human-sized birdcage, but with no room for dancing or walking. The bird cage also comes with metal spokes that you can insert inside the bars. Think about the magician’s trick where you insert swords inside a box, pretending to skewer the assistant inside, but they’re just being really bendy in there. Some toys leads to a vague sense of sexuality, deviant or otherwise, but this one is just plain creepy. [Read: 50 shades of dangerous sex – the right way to get risqué]
#7 Hizamakura Lap Pillow. Isn’t it so romantic when a guy rests his head on a lady’s lap, while they’re watching the sunset or just spending a tranquil afternoon at the park? Well, it seems that it’s so romantic, Japanese manufacturers just have to copy it!
Hence, the Hizamakura lap pillow. It’s a pillow shaped in the form of a woman’s lap in a kneeling-sitting position. Of course, the woman is wearing a tight mini skirt! You can even choose between the red skirt or the black one. To up the creep factor, order the specialized “Maid” version, complete with lacy apron and knee-high white socks. [Read: Sexual fetishes and obsessions]
#8 Silicone Love Dolls. Air dolls or sex dolls have long been a feature of many a deviant’s bedroom. However, Silicone Love Dolls just takes that to the next level. These dolls are made of silicone, but with a fully-articulated metal skeleton inside, allowing for a wider range of motion. Available in Asian and Caucasian models, the dolls come with a free costume such as flight attendant, Japanese schoolgirl, etc.
Advanced models have a temperature control function, increasing the body temperature to 37 degrees Celsius. The vaginal and anal orifices also have gripping function to simulate real-life sensation. Too bad it doesn’t simulate the sensation of utter humiliation when someone sees you using that. Or maybe that’s what the groan-during-sex function is for.
#9 Shock Therapy Nipple Clamps. If a sex toy name that has “shock” and “clamp” in connection with your nipples or genitals does not caution you, I don’t know what will. This Shock Therapy Nipple Clamps set comes with two spring-loaded clamps that plug into a power unit. Users can choose the level of intensity and frequency of the electric shock. Choose from Mild to Extreme setting. When they said you need to spark your love life, I’m sure they didn’t mean to do it literally. [Read: 50 Shades of Grey: a new frontier on kink on film?]
#10 Area 51 Love Doll. And you thought the air doll market is all tapped out. Too bad, the Area 51 Love Doll proves otherwise. This inflatable doll is turquoise blue in color, with three breasts a la Total Recall, a mouth that looks like a woman’s genitals, ears that are shaped like butt holes, and suction cup hands, for a total of 5 orifices. Now that’s a record! There’s never been a truer “out-of-this-world” sexual experience than with this love doll. Fun package quote: “The Aliens are Cumming!”
Sex toys can be fun to experiment with from time to time. It can spice up an otherwise boring sex life or revamp a dying relationship. Letting go of your inhibitions can just be the spark to rekindle your connection with your partner. However, choose your toy wisely.
[Read: 7 reasons why some women hate their vibrators]
Experiment with the risqué sex toys, but remember to test your partner’s reaction first. It would be unfortunate if the spark that should charge up your sex life ends up killing it entirely. And remember, be safe, sane, and consensual.
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