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10 Questions to Ask Before Leaving Someone You Love

leaving someone you love

You’ve made up your mind: you’re bidding your love adieu. It’s time to move on. Wait a moment, and ask these questions before you leave it all behind.

Goodbye is perhaps the most bittersweet word one can ever say. This word can leave quite an impact on your life and may forever be etched into your memory. Perhaps the saddest goodbyes are those that are said without reason, and are said without warning.

Relationships come and go. As much as we want our romantic relationships to last forever, there are just those that weren’t meant to be. There will always be relationships that will inevitably end, no matter how much time or how many tears are invested in them.

Learning to let go

The hardest part of letting go is that it can feel impossible to say goodbye to something you hold dear. You might find yourself clinging to the tiniest shreds of a beautiful ideal, while you try to blind yourself to reality.

Goodbyes always leave you with a feeling of uncertainty. You might even feel fear, because you are brought into the world of the unknown. Leaving someone who meant so much to you can be heart-wrenching. The experience can be traumatic for both parties, and can cause your heart to grow bitter.

When can we see the good in goodbye? When can we no longer be drawn to tears when this word is uttered?

A successful relationship is a two-way street. You can never expect a relationship to succeed if one of the parties decides to go about it half-heartedly. Feelings can fly out the window when your heart grows tired, weary, and hungry. There are those who try to salvage what they can of the relationship. Unfortunately, there are those who discover that there was nothing in the relationship that was worth saving. Many of these unfortunate ones find out about this when it is too late, and hearts are mangled. [Read: How to fall out of love when you see no future in the romance]

Before you bid adieu

Before you make the crucial decision to leave someone, be sure to do some introspection. Goodbye is a serious word, and shouldn’t be said lightheartedly. Saying goodbye out of the blue can leave a traumatic scar to the other person involved.

Before you decide to leave someone, ask yourself these questions.

#1 Why am I leaving? This is perhaps the all-important question to ask yourself before you decide to leave your partner. Really give yourself time to answer this question, and be sure to dig deep. Remember that the reasons for leaving someone have to go beyond the superficial. Has the relationship become abusive? Do the sad moments outweigh the happy ones? When you find that you can no longer save the relationship, have that talk with your partner, and let go now before it becomes too late. [Read: 12 reasons why so many couples drift apart over time]

#2 Would I still be myself if I left this person? There are too many people who have lost their identities because of a relationship. Once they found themselves in a relationship, they distanced themselves from everything that they identified with—hobbies, passions, and even friends and family. They latched themselves on to their partner and lost their identities in the process.

It is because of these reasons that many people have forgotten who they are, once the relationship is over. Before you decide to leave someone, ask yourself if you lost your identity when you entered the relationship. Will you still be yourself once the relationship is over, and can no longer be identified as your partner’s significant other?

#3 Where do I see myself with this person in the next five years? When you have been with your partner for quite some time, you are most likely thinking about the future. The years can take a relationship two ways: either you are in it for the long haul or you are not. When you find that you are having doubts, ask yourself: do I still want to be with this person five years from now? Time can change people, and if you feel like time won’t be your ally in the relationship, it is time that both of you rethink your partnership. [Read: 16 signs it’s time to move on and end the relationship]

#4 Does this person make me feel happy? A healthy relationship should make you feel happy. It is true that no relationship is perfect and that there will always be storms. The struggles that these people face will make their relationship stronger.

However, amidst these struggles, you should feel overall happiness. If you feel that you are unhappy in the relationship, do not insist on staying because you have a sense of obligation. If you feel unhappy, you have a right to voice your feelings to your partner. [Read: 10 steps to tell your partner how unhappy you feel in the relationship]

#5 Am I a better person because of this relationship? Human beings are very stubborn creatures. They never change, unless there is something that drives them to change their ways. When you are with your partner, ask yourself: do you feel that you are a better version of yourself, because of the relationship?

When your partner makes you want to be a better person, and you want to change your bad habits for the better, you’ll know that you are with the person who brings out the best in you. But if you feel that the relationship brings you nothing but resentment, anger, and other negative feelings, it is time to detach yourself from what is unhealthy.

#6 Do I love this person, and not the version of themselves that I want them to be? Love is quite complicated and, more often than not, we tend to look at everything through rose-colored glasses. People will change their ways only if they want to. Remember that it all comes down to free will. Do not continue to kid yourself that you will continue to love a false version of the person you are with. If you cannot love them now, will you be able to love them in the future? Remember that there is great pain in staying in a false relationship, and neither of you deserve that. [Read: 7 big signs you’re trapped in a troubled relationship]

#7 Will there be regrets if I don’t end it now? Letting go of someone you love is difficult. Look to the future and see where you find yourself five years from now. Remember that living with regrets can scar you for life, and you will keep beating yourself up because of it. There are far worse things than having to stay single for a while. Remember that you shouldn’t yearn for the past, just because it is comfortable and familiar. An unfulfilling relationship can only eat away at your happiness and there is no sense in prolonging it.

#8 What value does this person give to my life? There are people who add value to our lives. They are the people who make the world seem brighter and more cheerful. Does your partner make you feel this way? If your partner helps you see the joy in each day, and helps you see the light in dark days, you have found someone worth fighting for. When you find yourself in doubt, always ask yourself if the relationship is worth sacrificing your happiness for. [Read: 14 valid reasons to break up with someone you love]

#9 Are we dedicating time and commitment to the relationship? Human beings find time to be a very precious commodity. While many of us find ourselves overburdened by obligations, and stressed for time, we can always manage to make time for those we love. Remember that no one is ever too busy, and they can always make time for you. Never allow yourself to be placed in the backseat all the time because of constant obligations.

#10 What will my life be like when I have left? Look to the future once again, and imagine what your life would be like without this person around. If you find that you will be at peace without your partner in your life, you’d better come clean while both your hearts are still intact.

Breakups can be tumultuous—but, like all storms in life, they do not last. You owe it to your heart to cleanse your life of negative feelings, because life is too short to live with regrets. If you feel it is time to let go, cut the cord while time is still your friend.

[Confession: My 9 year love – The pain of ending a long term relationship]

After all, It will be better to part ways now than to stubbornly insist on staying and find out too late that you have become strangers in each other’s eyes.

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Colleen Anne Javellana
Colleen Anne Javellana
I'm a quirky and passionate individual who believes in True Love. I live for deep conversations and a good novel to read. I am in love with Life, and I want to ...

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DISCUSSION

5 thoughts on “10 Questions to Ask Before Leaving Someone You Love”

  1. Jen says:

    I didn’t leave any one, my dad did. Oddly enough, his now girlfriend left her husband for my dad … Guess it must have really been special for them both to leave their spouses. The worst part is my mom, my sister and I were all blind-sided by it. He met “her” on a political debate forum. She lived across country in WV, we lived in CA. After a month or so of him just being weird and distant to all of us in the house my mom found out. My dad and mom agreed to try to work things out unfortunately, only my mom was interested in fixing whatever it was that was broken. One day my dad has a suitcase and asks me to take him to the airport for a business trip. I drop him off, say goodbye and told him to just email me the info for his return flight. He never did, that was 4 years ago. My mom almost lost our house I dropped out of college to pick up a full time job to help out. My sister finished high school and got a job. It was tough but we made it through, saved the house I paid off my car not to long ago. The only reason I know he is alive is he sends me farmville requests every so often. Won’t answer my calls, texts, letters. Probably feels guilty for up and bailing, but I have no idea. I still wonder if I hadn’t taken him to the airport if would he have tried, would have stayed.

  2. Fighter Jet I dont get to fly says:

    We had been best friends for 5 years or so before our relationship started. It lasted about a year until she had this urge to move to New York(we were in Texas at the time). After the many years of being so close with her I knew it was something she had to do. She(and I) always hated Texas and wanted to leave. I was working on my career and paying off my student debt and wasn’t at a point to take off. She, on the other hand, had just quit her job and had a friend in NY willing to lend a couch for a month or two. She didn’t want to leave me, but I didn’t want to do that to her. So, I bought her a one-way plane ticket to NY. She was to fly the day after my birthday. It was the one selfish thing I did for myself in that situation. I wanted one last birthday with her. Anyway, it was a very sad goodbye. we talked maybe a couple of times on the phone after that, but we eventually lost touch for a while. She’s now married and still in New York. She’s told me that she found her soulmate and is madly in love with him. I too found and married my soulmate. So, it worked out for the best.

  3. Love isn't enough says:

    When you’re arguing every day. When you feel like you’re trapped. When other men/women are appealing to you and the only reason you aren’t with them is because you are already in a relationship. When you are hiding issues from your friends whom you tell everything because you don’t want them to know how fucked up everything really is in your relationship and you don’t want the judgement. When you don’t speak because you feel that it will anger the other person and you don’t want to argue anymore. When you feel powerless. I got out of something and I never looked back. It isn’t easy at all but you feel better if you get out of something that is hurting you daily.

  4. simba says:

    Got married in the military too fast, had petty issues with ex, fell out of love, held onto the marriage for as long as I could. Met someone else, cheated, finally went for divorce. Ex found out I cheated, shit went down, divorce got finalized. Still with the guy I cheated with, going on almost 4 years (2 yrs married). Only regret is cheating. No contact with ex, but found out he killed a guy It will be a lot of bullshit reasons and excuses, but here it goes. My ex husband, myself, and my current husband were all military just to preface it all. Backstory: Met my ex while we were in Japan. We just got out of serious relationships and I guess rebounded hard on each other. I was getting stationed back in the States, and he was going to be going back a few months after me. I was in Cali, he was supposed to go to Cali as well. Instead he got orders to North Carolina. Well, in our young and dumb minds, we decided to get married earlier than we expected to kind of “force” his orders getting changed back to Cali. So he flew to Cali so we could get court roomed. Well our plan worked, but not quite how we thought, he was still going to NC, but I was going to be stationed there as well. Alrighty, whatever. The time span between us meeting/dating and getting married: about 6 months (typical military, lol) Reasonings: Again, going to sound shallow and stuff. There were many. Nothing outrightly wrong, like he wasn’t an alcoholic or abusive or anything. But his quirks came out and they started to get really annoying. He also was very against military personnel, he thought he was better than them all (on an intellectual level). He was weirdly obsessed with his hair, always fighting the hair regulations. He got really muscular when he deployed so when he came back and saw his reflection, he HAD to flex. There was one argument we had because he wanted a new cologne but not one that anyone else had… it was just dumb. Sex was incredibly boring, no matter how hard I tried to tell him that I would just love to get more rough every-now-and-then, he would still just do love-making. When I realized it was over: When he left on deployment, shortly after we moved to NC (having been together/married 9 months) . I realized that I didn’t miss him. When he came back, I was glad he was safe, but that was it. I wasn’t excited to see him or anything. I went to counseling, to help me vocalize my issues. He eventually came to the sessions with me. It didn’t change a thing. Why it all failed: It was because of me. I know this. I used to be incredibly terrible at confrontation, arguments, anything negative. So I held in all of my frustrations and it grew to resentment. I also was trying to be a martyr, I knew he was still in love with me and I figured that I would sacrifice my happiness to keep him happy….(I never said I was smart or that my logic was sound.) Then I met him: After putting up a front for another year and a half, I had been seriously considering divorce. I was still afraid of pulling that trigger though. I went to a new section and became great friends with all the people there. One stood out, but not for any reason in particular. We got closer, but I didn’t have any attraction towards him for a couple months. I guess one day I just started to really like him. We started having an emotional affair, and eventually a physical one. This all happened in the last 2 months before I pulled the trigger with telling ex I wanted a divorce. Aftermath: Shit got messy for a bit. My ex found out I cheated on him, made all our lives miserable (rightly so, I did cheat on him). Divorce happened a few months later. It was an easy one, no kids, we kept our finances separate, claimed our stuff evenly. The guy I cheated with, I am still with him. 4 years later and we have been married for almost 2 of them. We are incredibly happy. He has helped me out with my issues with bringing up negative/confrontational stuff, not being afraid to argue or anything. Regrets?: Maybe a letter. I definitely wouldn’t have cheated on my ex. It took a crazy toll on him. He would polish off a handle of scotch in 3 days. I have no contact with him, but he did make headlines a few months back with being involved in killing a guy with a gun because he’s an idiot.

  5. You always loved her says:

    There are a lot of people here saying that as soon as you think it’s time to break up, you should definitely break up with them. I can see where they’re coming from, but I don’t agree entirely. As soon as you start thinking seriously about breaking up with them, think about why you want that. What about the relationship isn’t making you happy? Then talk to them about it. See if they feel the same way. See if they’ve noticed that they’re behaving in a way that upsets you. If they don’t care, won’t work with you to make the relationship worth having, then it’s time to break up. But if they take into consideration the things you have to say, then you could end up taking the relationship to much better level than you’ve experienced up until now. I’ve been in both situations. My first ever proper SO, I was with for 15 months. When things started getting awful, we talked and he wasn’t prepared to do anything differently to make things better even though I wasn’t asking him for anything I wasn’t fully prepared to do myself. But I’ve also been with a partner who stressed me out almost to breaking point. First we argued, then things calmed down and we just sat and talked for about two days about what we wanted out of being together, in a way that we never had properly before then. After that, we had to spend a little while working on the things we’d been arguing about, but we got to a place that was ultimately better than before.

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