Not everyone wants sex. Sometimes it’s a passing phase, other times it’s not. If you want to know how to tell if someone is asexual, read on.
There are many sexual identities on the planet: gay, straight, bisexual, to a range of other identities besides. One identity that can cause a little confusion is asexuality. Learning how to tell if someone is asexual is hard, and it really comes down to communication. Perhaps, that is why there is so much misunderstanding around this particular sexual identity.
So, what’s normal?
Every single person on this planet is different. And there is no solid definition of what is considered ‘normal.’ Normal can be anything. It’s what makes life so wonderful! You don’t have to adhere to a set of norms if you don’t want to. What are norms anyway?
Of course, there is a certain amount of pressure to fit into the mold. For those who may not follow the pattern of those around them, it can be easy to feel like something is wrong.
The truth is, nothing is wrong. As long as you’re happy with who you are, what you’re doing, and how you feel, that’s normal for you.
A person who identifies as asexual doesn’t feel sexually attracted to other people, or they feel an extremely low desire where sex is concerned. They can appreciate that someone is attractive, but they don’t have the urge to have sex due to that attractiveness.
Of course, asexuality can create a range of problems with a relationship if the issue isn’t discussed early on. Most people would go into a situation that you hope will become a relationship probably expecting sex to appear on the menu at some point. An asexual person will not want that to happen.
As a result, the other person, if they don’t understand what’s going on, may feel like the other one isn’t into them, that they’re not attracted to them, or that there is something wrong. Truthfully, there is nothing wrong with either party! It’s simply that sex doesn’t matter to a person who is asexual. They don’t feel the need. [Read: Asexual people and what it’s like for them in the dating world]
It’s not easy to learn how to tell if someone is asexual, because the cues are subtle. Of course, the main issue is that the person just won’t want sex, but you could also attribute that to stress, tiredness, and several other problem too.
It’s not possible for a person who has a high sex drive to be totally happy in a relationship with a person who is asexual. You might like to argue otherwise, but some people place a large amount of importance on sex. They love sex, they enjoy it, they want it, and they feel happy and attractive when it’s happening on a regular basis. If they don’t feel like they can be in a relationship where sex isn’t part of the deal, it’s not going to work. In order for any relationship to work, both parties have to be happy. [Read: 10 communication techniques to help someone open up to you]
Of course, an asexual person is also not going to be comfortable with a person who they know wants sex. They’re going to feel like they’re not providing something to their partner that they know they want. This can breed resentment and cause problems.
However, it’s not all doom and gloom. Provided both parties talk about it and come to an agreement that they’re both happy with, an asexual relationship can be extremely loving and fulfilling on a different level.
So, how to tell if someone is asexual? Well, sit down and talk to the person you’ve been seeing. Try and get to the bottom of the problem. Is it that they are asexual or is it something else? Just because they’re not showing an interest in sex doesn’t necessarily mean they’re asexual.
It could be that they’re shy, maybe they had a negative experience in a prior relationship, and they’re really keen on taking it slow. Don’t simply assume.
However, a person has to feel comfortable before they open up about their sexual identity and in this case, before they sit down and tell you that they’re asexual. Before you get to that point, there are a few clues that might lead you towards a well-informed assumption. [Read: How to build trust in a relationship and make it last]
#1 They try to avoid intimacy or make excuses. At the start, it’s not likely that they’ll be happy to tell you straight out that they’re asexual. In that case, you’ll probably find that they come up with several excuses to avoid being intimate.
#2 They might become annoyed or seem embarrassed when you talk about sex. Asexuality can be a source of frustration for some people, because they want to tell you but they don’t know how. They might also simply not understand why sex is such a big deal for you. This could cause annoyance.
#3 They show you affection in other ways, but never in a sexual manner. The start of a relationship is normally the part where you can’t keep your hands off each other and you’re always jumping into bed. Of course, it’s not always the case, but if you find someone you’re seeing is quite affectionate with you in other ways, such as holding your hand, touching your skin, and hugging, but it never moves towards a sexual place, they may be asexual.
#4 They don’t understand sexual flirting. One of the nuances of learning how to tell if someone is asexual can’t be achieved by just one particular sign, there must be several clues that add up. However, an asexual person doesn’t understand or ‘get’ sexual innuendos or sexual flirting.
#5 They may question your need for sex. If they ask you why you need to have sex, questioning your desire, that’s a pretty big sign. The start of a relationship is, as mentioned, usually full of sexual activity, so if a person is questioning why you need it, it could be that they simply don’t feel it in the same way as you.
You cannot try to change someone who is asexual. I’s something they need to either work on themselves or accept. In most cases, it’s about acceptance, and it also has to come from you as their partner.
If you choose to stay in a relationship with someone who is openly asexual, accept that sex won’t be a big part of your union. You have to be okay with this. If you are, find other ways to become close. Relationships aren’t all about sex, after all.
Understanding how to tell if someone is asexual is a risky business. You can’t simply assume, and you need several clues to add up to see a pattern emerging. But all said and done, always be supportive and accept them for who they are.
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Having stumbled from one relationship drama to another throughout her 20s, Nicky is now somewhat of a guru in the crazy world of life and love. Telling it how i...