When you ask how to stop being a narcissist, you believe yourself to be one. The good news is we all have the potential to change when committed to it.
We are not going to lie. Narcissistic personalities are the most caustic and dangerous ones to get involved with romantically or otherwise. It is hard to be in love with a narcissist. Because they love only one person—themselves. If you want to know how to stop being a narcissist, the good news is that admittance is the first step to recovery. [Read: 29 red flags to tell if someone wants to hurt you & harm you emotionally!]
What Exactly is Narcissism?
Before we discuss anything else, let’s talk about understanding narcissism and clearing any sort of misconceptions surrounding it. This understanding is essential, especially for those looking into how to stop being a narcissist.
Narcissism is often rooted in early life experiences. Studies suggest that the way individuals are treated in their formative years significantly influences the development of narcissistic traits. [Read: Narcissist parents: What makes one, 55 signs, effects & how to cope with them]
For instance, children who experience excessive pampering or, conversely, extreme neglect, may develop narcissistic tendencies as a coping mechanism. This is because both overvaluation and neglect can lead to an imbalanced self-perception, fostering either an inflated or a defensively grandiose sense of self.
Moreover, narcissism can also be seen as a defense mechanism. In psychological terms, it’s a way to shield oneself from deep-seated feelings of inadequacy or vulnerability. By adopting a facade of superiority and grandiosity, individuals with narcissistic traits often try to hide their underlying insecurities and fears.
Societal values and social media also play a crucial role in shaping or reinforcing narcissistic behaviors. The contemporary social landscape, heavily influenced by social media, often emphasizes achievements, appearance, and public validation. This can encourage a focus on self-image and external admiration, which are hallmarks of narcissism.
It’s important to distinguish narcissism from healthy self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem is characterized by a realistic and balanced self-view. It involves recognizing one’s strengths and weaknesses and maintaining a sense of worthiness without belittling others. [Read: High self-esteem: 33 low signs, what hurts self-worth & secrets to pump it]
Narcissism, in contrast, involves an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a constant need for attention and admiration, and often, a lack of empathy for others.
Recognizing Narcissistic Behaviors
Okay, so if you’re looking to understand how to stop being a narcissist, the first logical step is to recognize narcissistic behaviors.
1. Constant Need for Admiration
If you often find yourself in the center of attention, craving applause and compliments, it might be more than just enjoying the spotlight.
Narcissists have an almost insatiable desire for admiration and validation, often feeling unhappy or disappointed when they don’t receive the level of praise they expect. It’s like an endless pursuit of external validation to affirm their self-worth. [Read: Attention seeker: 25 signs, behavior & psychology of drama loving people]
2. Lack of Empathy
Reflect on how often you genuinely understand and share the feelings of others. Narcissists typically have a hard time putting themselves in someone else’s shoes.
This isn’t just about not relating to others’ emotions; it’s a profound difficulty in acknowledging and valuing those feelings as legitimate and important.
3. Sense of Entitlement
Do you often feel that the world owes you special treatment or that your needs should always take precedence?
This sense of entitlement reflects a belief that you deserve more consideration than others, often leading to unrealistic expectations of favorable treatment. [Read: Sense of entitlement: What makes you entitled, 27 signs & ways to overcome it]
4. Fantasies of Success and Power
Daydreaming about extraordinary success, power, or beauty goes beyond ambition. For narcissists, these fantasies are a part of their self-identity, often disconnected from the reality of their situation or abilities, serving as a buffer against feelings of inadequacy.
5. Exploitative Behavior
This involves taking advantage of others without considering the impact on them. It’s a pattern of behavior where relationships are used primarily to serve personal interests, often at the expense of others’ feelings or needs.
6. Envy or Believing Others are Envious
A constant comparison with others, coupled with feelings of envy or the belief that others are equally envious of them, is common in narcissistic behavior. This often stems from their need to be superior in all aspects.
7. Arrogance and Haughtiness
Pay attention to how you conduct yourself in social interactions. Narcissists often exhibit behaviors that are perceived as snobbish or patronizing.
Arrogance isn’t just about feeling superior but also actively demonstrating that supposed superiority to others. [Read: Confident or cocky? Subtle signs that split an arrogant & modest man]
8. Preoccupation with Perfection
Obsessing over maintaining a flawless image, whether it’s physical appearance, career success, or social status, often signifies narcissistic traits. It is usually driven by the fear of being perceived as ‘less than’ or flawed in the eyes of others.
9. Difficulty with Criticism
How do you respond to feedback or criticism? For a narcissist, any form of criticism, no matter how constructive, can trigger intense emotional reactions, often seen as a personal attack rather than an opportunity for growth.
10. Superficial Relationships
Evaluate the depth of your relationships. Narcissists often form relationships based on what the other person can offer them, rather than mutual affection or connection
There is a lack of genuine interest in the other person’s well-being in these relationships.
How to Stop Being a Narcissist
Narcissistic people have one common trait. They love themselves above all others. Typically, a symptom of the way they were raised, they usually miss a key ingredient to being able to be in a stable relationship, empathy. Empathy is how you put yourself into someone else’s shoes and feel for them.
If you don’t have the ability, then the only person’s feelings you relate to are your own.
Even if you didn’t ever learn how to be empathetic, it is never too late to develop the skill. We are not going to lie, it is a hard road to recover from the narcissistic view of life. If you really commit to change and want it, it is possible.
1. Make a Conscientious Effort to Think About How Others Feel
One of the cornerstones of a narcissist is only caring about the way they feel, what they get out of a relationship, and not even caring that others have feelings. If you want to stop being a narcissist, stop and ask people how they feel.
Truly care about what someone feels or how your actions, behaviors, or things you say, impacts them. You might be surprised to find you affect a whole lot of people, not only negatively, sometimes positively too. [Read: How not to hurt people’s feelings: The golden rules you need]
2. Be Thankful
Narcissistic personalities aren’t ever grateful for anything. Since they believe the world revolves around them, whatever comes their way is justified. They are entitled to it. That leads to a state of ungratefulness.
If someone does something nice for you, say thank you and truly mean it. Stop thinking the world owes you something and see no one is obligated to do, say, or buy you anything. Even if it is super hard, learning to be grateful, is key to overcoming your self-centered nature. [Read: 100 completely overlooked, yet awesome things to be thankful for]
3. Stop Calling Names and Degrading People
The way a narcissist feels better about themselves is by taking out people around them or lowering someone else’s status to rise above.
Knowing how to stop being a narcissist means you must rise above calling people names, belittling them, or degrading them to make yourself feel better. It might make you feel good, but stop to look around at the way you make everyone else feel either uncomfortable or bad. You just might want to be a better person.
4. Don’t Expect a Ceremony Every Time That You Do Anything
Stop thinking you should be rewarded for breathing. No, it is not an honor to be in your presence or to hang out with you.
If you think everyone around you is ungrateful, or that you give way more than anyone else, it is time to come back to earth and realize your incessant need to have people fall over you is not cool. And, it ruins your relationships with the people who tire of feeling like they should shout “all hail the king” when you enter a room. [Read: How to fine tune your internal compass and change yourself]
5. Calm the Hell Down
If you are like a ticking time bomb that goes off whenever something is said that you don’t like, calm the hell down. Part of overcoming your narcissistic ways is to stop feeling like everything is a challenge to you personally, and that the only way to control people or stop them from voicing their opinion, is to freak out on them and either start screaming or gaslighting.
When you gaslight someone, you take an argument or statement that they say, and you throw out everything you got from your closet of confusion just to knock them off course and win.
If someone critiques you, you have two choices. You either decide to accept what they say or reject it. But, you can’t just beat the hell out of them to win. That is narcissism all the way. [Read: 11 behaviors that show you manipulate people]
6. Stop Tooting Your Own Horn
Yes, we are all sure that whatever you did was awesome, but we don’t have to hear a resume from you every time we’re together. Let your accomplishments and work talk for themselves.
Constantly tooting your own horn really only says to people that you half believe how great you are. Telling everyone your awesomeness is making people wonder if you are convincing them or yourself.
7. Stop Hating
Yep, narcissistic people are envious to the highest degree. Believing that you are entitled to the best, when someone has something that you want, you go to town either cutting it down to make it less great or trying to make them envy you by acquiring something better.
Life is not a competition to see who can have the greatest shit. Knowing how to stop being a narcissist means you should stop hating and just let someone else have something without being envious and trying to take it from them by whatever means necessary. [Read: How to stop being jealous of someone else’s success]
8. Stop Using People to Get What You Want
Stop thinking that everyone in your life is disposable and a means to your end. People aren’t put on earth to serve you. They certainly aren’t tools to get what you want, although you use them that way.
If you want to understand how to stop being a narcissist, stop being with people only for what they can do for you and consider other reasons why you would want to form relationships like love, support, and connection.
If you don’t have an understanding of what other people feel, it is pretty hard to feel loving emotions toward them.
Stop looking at people and deciding what they can do for you and think about why you love them and shouldn’t be without them for personal reasons of emotions and feelings, not furthering yourself. That, I am afraid, is going to be your biggest challenge. [Read: The things about love you’ll only learn from experience]
10. Stop Thinking That Life is All About What You Have
If you are a narcissist, then you scoff at the notion that money doesn’t make you happy. If there wasn’t money, then what would there be to make you happy? Things don’t make you, the people you love do. You only get one go around on this earth, and, guess what? When the ride is over, you can’t take your shit with you.
Until you realize the only things that matter here are the lives you touch and the memories you hold, you will never stop your narcissistic ways.
Narcissists get a bad rap. I mean that sincerely. Just like the narcissist learned their ways through behavior modification and role modeling, they are capable of unlearning their ways.
It is going to take some true introspection, giving up of what you came to believe, finding empathy for others, and maybe, just maybe, not always getting what you want.
[Read: How to change direction and live your dream]
11. Get Yourself a Notebook
You’re going to need one. Get yourself a small notebook where you can jot down your thoughts and feelings throughout the day. It’s crucial you do so. You’ll be able to track yourself and why you react the way you do in specific situations. [Read: These positive personality traits can change your life for the better]
12. Don’t Do it Alone
If you’re going to work on your narcissism/selfishness, you shouldn’t do it alone. If you’re able, it’s best to go through this change with the support of a therapist.
They’ll be able to give you specific techniques that are tailored for you. Plus, you’ll be able to get an outsider perspective on your life, which is always helpful.
13. Identify What You Want to Change
What is it about yourself you want to change? Before you can change, identify what you want to change. Take out your notebook *I told you it would be handy* and write down the behaviors you’d like to change and what situations cause you to respond with that behavior. [Read: How to change your life – 12 easy hacks for a dramatic makeover]
14. Identify Your Triggers
Keep your notebook out! If you really want to change, then you should be very aware of your behavior. Throughout your days, write down things that trigger you. Is it a specific person? Or if someone gets praised and you don’t?
15. Focus on 50/50 Conversations
Narcissistic people tend to run the conversation and have it focused on themselves. In a normal conversation, 50% of it should involve you talking, and the other 50% should have the other person talking. So, be aware and try to make the conversation as even as possible. [Read: Conversational narcissist? Do you love talking and hate listening?]
16. Use the “Three Perspectives” Rule
This is a great rule to help you change your behavior. In any situation you’re in, 1) look at the situation from your perspective, 2) look at the situation from the perspective of the other main person, 3) look at the situation from an outside observer.
17. Delay Unwanted Behaviors
The way you typically respond to situations is now what you want to avoid. You need to rewire your brain, which isn’t going to be easy. Before responding to anything, count to 20 in your head and take a couple of deep breaths. Before responding, think about the last time you responded in your old way and the reaction you received; now, you should change that.
18. Test Out a New Response
So, you want to change the way you respond to a situation. Once you have identified your triggers, work on changing your response to something new. Each time you use a new response, see it as huge progress. Behavior is hard to change.
19. Constantly Review Your Success and Try to Improve
Doing these tips a couple of times a week isn’t going to work. You need to be constantly working on yourself and then reflecting on the progress you’ve made. But just because you see progress doesn’t mean you can relax and let things go.
20. Practice Gratitude
There’s a lot in this world to be grateful for. And we tend to overlook the things around us that we should be grateful for. To help deflate your ego, practice gratitude.
By practicing gratitude, you shift thinking away from yourself to other people and things in your life. [Read: Secret to happiness? The uncomplicated guide to a happy life]
There is Hope You Will Learn How to Stop Being a Narcissist
Humans are inherently complex and sometimes, our actions don’t paint the full picture of who we are. Just because certain behaviors or traits surface in our lives, it doesn’t definitively categorize us as narcissists. It’s important to acknowledge that everyone has moments of self-centeredness or insensitivity.
Understanding the difference between what we want and what we truly need is a crucial step in personal development. This clarity is often the first step towards meaningful change.
[Read: What is my purpose in life: 33 secrets to find meaning when you feel lost]
Sometimes what we want and need are two different things. If you can find the difference, then there is hope you will learn how to stop being a narcissist and give happiness to others in your life. This process is not just about changing for the sake of others; it’s also about enriching your own life and finding a deeper sense of fulfillment and connection with the world around you.
