Do you feel like you don’t fit in with your family? If you’re wondering if you’re the black sheep of the family, we’re here to help you find out and cope!
Have you ever looked at your parents or siblings and thought, “How are these people even related to me?” They seem so different from you, it makes you wonder if you’re the black sheep of the family.
They look like you, but they couldn’t be any more different if they tried.
You can’t agree with them on anything. You find yourself in petty arguments about everything from politics to religion and TV shows to dinner menus. Despite your attempts, they don’t seem to get you.
It’s as if this family abducted you. Now you have to endure countless holidays with them while they never forget to criticize your job or scold you for the new piercing you got. In the meantime, you’re secretly planning how to crack open the bathroom window and escape so that you don’t have to hear another word.
[Read: Toxic family members – 15 signs and reasons to cut them off for good]
What does it mean to be the black sheep of the family?
If you’re the black sheep of the family, you’re the outcast. The odd one out. The lone wolf.
You might stand out from your family in several different ways. You might look entirely different from them or respond to things differently than they do. Or perhaps your way of life doesn’t line up with their ideas.
You might think differently or have opposing values. Maybe you’re just outspoken and direct, while they are more conservative with their thoughts.
It sometimes doesn’t take much for a black sheep to be established. It could be the simplest thing that divides you from the rest of your family.
And feeling like the black sheep of the family can look like many different things.
Whether your family disowns you entirely or just whispers behind your back, it usually doesn’t feel great. Maybe you’ve been kicked out, completely rejected, emotionally cut off, or used as an example of what not to do. [Read: How to deal with rejection from friends and pick yourself back up]
Regardless of what being the black sheep of your family looks like, the end idea is the same.
Your family thinks you’re different. They might be ashamed of or embarrassed by you.
What kinds of families have a black sheep?
Despite the fact that being the black sheep of the family feels very much like a personal problem, it’s not. The issue is rarely the individual. It’s generally the family unit as a whole and how they choose to respond to character differences and conflicts.
1. Unaccepting families
If you come from an unaccepting family, you’re facing expectations that you fit into the family mold.
This type of family doesn’t want someone who doesn’t act like them, live like them, or talk like them. Not only do they refuse to accept differences in their social lives, but they will also reject their own family members for their differences. [Read: Achieving self-acceptance – little steps for one big change]
Unaccepting families are notorious for being racist or homophobic. Even the simple idea that you would disagree with those notions is enough to have you blacklisted.
2. Inflexible families
Inflexible families are slightly similar to unaccepting families, but it’s not that they refuse to accept different beliefs or ideologies. They just don’t seem to have the sort of mentality that lets them understand it.
Their minds aren’t flexible enough to really get it, even though they might want to.
This family “pretends” to accept you without understanding why you need genuine acceptance, which makes it feel more like they’re pushing you out of the way.
3. Dysfunctional families
Dysfunctional families are a nightmare for many reasons, one of them being how often use their black sheep as a scapegoat.
This feels like such a powerless situation because the entire family can gang up to bully or belittle you, or treat you with aggression. As you can imagine, the black sheep in this family will feel ever more emotional pain. [Read: Psychological manipulation – how it works & 37 tactics, signs, & ways to deal]
How to know if you’re the black sheep of the family
Chances are that you’ve known you’re a bit of a black sheep for a while. You’re just used to being the rebel figure in the household, and you know you’ll never be like your family. You just found a way to be at peace with it.
If you’re still not sure whether or not you are actually the black sheep of the family, here are 22 signs that you’re the odd man out.
1. You never fit in
No matter how you act or behave, you never truly feel like you fit in with the rest of your family.
There’s always been a difference between the way you are and the way they are. It’s as if they’re total aliens to you. You can’t seem to relate to them, and they definitely can’t relate to you. [Read: 16 strategies to get your shit together]
2. You don’t live up to their expectations
You seem to have a habit of going against the grain when it comes to expectations. When your mom tried to dress you up like a baby doll, you refused to wear the frilly dresses.
Maybe when you were a little boy, you hated sports but were forced to play almost all of them. Whatever you did, it wasn’t enough to please them.
3. You have your own look
You don’t look much like the rest of your family. They’re a little more conservative, whereas you like to show up to family gatherings with an edgy new haircut or crazy makeup. Obscure fashion has always been your bag.
You like to change it up and push boundaries instead of blending in with your peers or family members.
4. School was the worst
You never wanted to be a cheerleader. You didn’t like chemistry, and you didn’t get along with many other kids outside of your close circle of friends who hated school just as much as you did. Your grades generally reflected this, much to your family’s dismay. [Read: Burn bridges or leave it? 15 clear signs it’s time to walk away]
5. People think that you’re adopted
It seems like people are continually shocked that you actually are a part of your family. Everyone points out the differences between you and your family all the time. In fact, there are too many times to count.
You somehow manage to convince your friends that you aren’t a kidnapping victim of this weird family who’s nothing like you, but it takes a lot of effort.
6. You do your own thing
You stick out like a sore thumb from your family, but you’re pretty proud of it. Maybe you don’t share the same personality traits, quirks, or mannerisms that they do. But don’t let that get to you, being a black sheep of the family just makes you more unique.
7. Your family tells you how to live
You’re so familiar with your family telling you what you should be doing with your life that you just block it out. They constantly try to assert some control over your life.
But you should just keep moving forward, and do what suits you best. [Read: How to ignore people who mentally stress you out]
8. You’re always just going through a weird “stage in your life”
You’ve heard your family tell people that “it’s just a phase” that you’ll get over far too many times.
Years later, here you are, still living in your “phase” and loving it.
9. Your significant other is never good enough
It doesn’t matter who you bring home to your parents. They always find something wrong with your significant other. They disapprove of the way they talk, what they do for a living, and their style. That’s only because they have such high expectations. [Read: Tips for setting boundaries with difficult people]
10. You’re full of firsts
You were the first one in your family to get tattoos, move away from home, or get a super chic hairstyle, and you’re always the first to speak your mind.
Your family thinks you’re wild or impulsive, and you just don’t care.
11. Family fights are your forte
You often find yourself in the middle of family fights, and you’re usually unsure of how you got there.
Chaos seems to find you, likely because you find it difficult to keep your opinions to yourself when a family member says something stupid. Instead of calming the situation, you fuel the fire.
12. You express your personality with your music
Your taste in music has either been completely eclectic or totally wacky.
If your family listens to country or R&B, you’re the one head-banging to punk. You listen to bands most people have never heard of and thoroughly enjoy annoying your relatives by blasting it at family gatherings. [Read: 19 reasons why we’re afraid to open up to people & steps to overcome it]
13. You go against the grain
Whatever people want from you or expect you to do, you do the opposite.
There’s nothing more boring to you than being the same as everyone else. Instead, you let your distinctive outlook on life dictate what you do. That’s what the black sheep of the family does.
14. Your family has a lot of face-palm moments with you
You find that you seem to constantly embarrass your family when you go out in public with them. Whether it’s a simple trip to get groceries or a night out at a restaurant, they tend to act like you’re a problem that needs to be solved.
You talk louder, act bolder, and react stronger to things than they do, but you don’t mind if that draws attention to you. [Read: Negative Nancy – 17 traits and ways to deal with their attitude]
15. Settling down is for suckers
Everyone around you is settling down and getting married, and you still can’t decide what shoes to wear today. The idea of staying put and letting your roots grow terrifies you. You still want to explore, have adventures, travel, and date new people. Don’t tie down that wild spirit just yet!
16. You’re not scared to try something new
In a horror movie, you’re most like the one that walks head-first into a dark room without turning on the light.
You aren’t afraid of unfamiliar situations and don’t let anything hold you back or intimidate you, despite your family’s pleas for caution.
17. Swear words are a regular part of your vocabulary
You’re always being told to tone down your language or that you swear like a sailor. The thing is that you don’t even realize that you’re doing it! It’s either a bad habit that you can’t tame, or you really just let every thought you have fly out of your mouth without filtering it first. [Read: 73 red flag narcissism signs & traits of a narcissist to read them like a book]
18. Responsibility is not your strong suit
You’re a little scared of holding babies because you’re terrified you’ll drop them.
You also keep forgetting to show up to events you promised you’d be at. When it comes to important decisions, you’re generally not the one left to make them. The black sheep of the family isn’t usually trusted with such high responsibility.
19. Your career choice seems odd to them
While your siblings have gone on to become doctors or lawyers, you did your own thing and decided to set up your own bakery, become a professional poker player, or be an app developer.
No matter how successful or fulfilling it is, your job will always be a topic of conversation amongst family members because it doesn’t fit their mold. [Read: How to be comfortable in your own skin – 20 ways to love being you]
20. You’re used as a word of caution
Although your family allegedly loves you, you know that you’re used as a cautionary tale.
When your parents talk to your siblings or cousins, they make sure to let them know what happens if they act like you. You know they’re told not to follow your example.
Wear that like a badge of honor. It’s better to be a cautionary tale than a forgettable face.
21. Family gatherings are awkward
You never really know what to say to your aunts about how your life is going, and you don’t have much in common with your cousins.
Also, the idea of sitting through your grandparents telling the same stories three years in a row drives you crazy. The holidays are mostly just a big attempt to avoid any family get-togethers. [Read: Sense of self – 21 steps to improve it and feel like a million bucks]
22. You’re super self-sufficient
The only way you know how to be is fiercely independent.
You rely on only yourself in all situations. You’re always the first to stick to your guns and have your own back. You don’t need anyone else to stick up for you or your lifestyle choices because you’re a self-styled maverick that makes no apologies.
Secretly, your family admires you for it and loves you for being the black sheep of the family.
How do you cope with being the black sheep of the family?
The most important thing that you can learn about being the black sheep of the family is that it’s not your fault. Your family’s issues are your family’s issues, not yours.
When you understand and accept that, you can start setting healthy boundaries. Deciding what your boundaries are can be tricky, but enforcing them can be even trickier.
Sometimes, you’re able to manage to respect your own boundaries by just temporarily walking away. Other times, you might have to cease communication entirely. [Read: How to set boundaries & guide other people to respect them]
Setting boundaries is more effective if you know that you’re worth it. Learning to love yourself despite the damage you might feel is an important step.
You might have to do a lot of self-discovery and confidence-building, but you can teach yourself to understand your value. Unlearning the things your family has said about you is a journey, but it can be done!
One of the best ways to do that is to create your own support system. Build your own family from your close friends.
How does being the black sheep of the family impact mental health?
Knowing that you’re the black sheep of the family can be extremely detrimental to a person’s mental health. It’s not a comfortable role to play. [Read: 15 steps to take if you keep saying, “I hate my family”]
You might feel rejected, outcast, looked down upon, or ashamed because you’re made to feel that way.
The isolation that comes with being the black sheep of the family is heavy. The group that you were born into has obvious disdain for you, and they might make you feel like the whole world would feel that same disdain.
Black sheep often have a hard time fostering new friendships because their confidence has been stripped from them. They find it difficult to relate to other people and find it near impossible to trust them.
Find the value in being the black sheep of the family! When you learn to cope with the damage they’ve done, you’ll be grateful that you’re not as unaccepting, inflexible, or dysfunctional as they are.
