Imagine you’re just casually scrolling through your Facebook news feed, not really seeing anything that catches your interest. And then suddenly a familiar name pops up, a name that once crossed your lips very often. It’s the name of your ex, and with his/her name is a life event.
[Name of your ex] is engaged.
You know it was a long time ago when you crossed paths, but there’s a feeling in your heart that you can’t quite describe. Is it jealousy? Is it bitterness? Is it genuine joy? You’re not sure, but you start to wonder what ARE you supposed to do when your ex is about to get married?
9 things to keep in mind when your ex is getting married
Thanks to technology, news travels so much faster. Also thanks to technology, it’s so easy to find out about the life events of other people, particularly your ex. So how should you go about this? What’s the best way to deal with the news?
Here are our tips:
#1 It’s okay to feel bothered. You were once the love of his/her life, so it’s okay if there’s still some semblance of an emotion that you feel for your ex. You don’t necessarily have to wish to be the bride or groom to be able to feel something. A simple tug at your heartstrings is normal, because at some point you did imagine walking down the aisle with this person.
If you’re still not over your ex, it’s okay to be jealous or even sad. It shows that the feeling is still there. But you would one day have to face the fact that you and your ex weren’t able to work things out. He/she still deserves to be happy. The sooner you come to terms with this, the better.
#2 Congratulate your ex if you’re still on speaking terms. Not all breakups lead to both of you pretending the other doesn’t exist. Amicable separations are increasingly common. If you’re friends on Facebook or you still stay in touch, drop him/her a line. Ask your ex how he’s been doing and say congratulations. It may take a load off your ex’s chest once he/she knows that you’re actually pretty okay with the engagement.
#3 Talk about it to your close friends. This works increasingly well if the people you talk to about the upcoming wedding are also people who were acquainted with your ex. If you feel angry or jealous, let it out. Your friends would be able to comfort you and offer you some advice on how to completely move on. However, if it’s not really a big deal, you can just casually mention it and move on to more interesting topics of conversation. [Read: 10 signs you’re lovesick and 10 easy ways to get out of it!]
#4 Avoid the negative comments. Those who are still hung up on their ex would find it hard to resist subtly mentioning negative comments about the new fiancé/fiancée. Maybe she’s not as pretty or he’s not as good a provider as you. Whatever the case may be, badmouthing your ex’s new love would just make you look bitter and resentful. If you think you’re an entire league above your ex’s future spouse, just keep it to yourself. You wouldn’t want to invite danger if the newly engaged couple suddenly finds out that you’ve been talking behind their backs.
#5 There’s no need to mention it to your current partner. You can air out your grievances to your friends, but your partner is a whole other story. Emotionally mentioning it to your partner might make him/her feel insecure since it would seem that you’re still affected by any news regarding your ex. Our advice is to keep it on the down low for a while, or just mention it in passing and let it go completely.
#6 If you can’t bear regular reminders that your ex is getting married, get them off your news feed for a while. It’s normal. No one will judge you. You’re not expected to put on a brave face whenever you see them posting about finding the perfect invitations or the ideal theme. And you probably also wouldn’t want to see the actual wedding pictures until you’ve had the time to fully accept the news and get over it.
Give it a few months, plus another extra month for when the official wedding photos come out. And then you can go back to following your ex, that is, if you still manage to remember. By the time they’re showing ultrasound pictures of their future kid, you should be well over the issue, hopefully.
#7 Don’t try to visualize their wedding. For men, this might not be such a hard thing to do. But for women who have been dreaming of their fairytale wedding their whole lives, it may be a bit trickier. At first, you might start to think of where they’ll be married, what the bride will wear and what the motif may be. And then, you’d start thinking of how YOU would do it.
You don’t want to go down that road. You don’t want to be planning an imaginary wedding for a long-gone ex who’s not even getting married to you. Crush the urge and distract yourself with anything that’s not even remotely related to weddings.
#8 Try to recall why it didn’t work out between you. You may have done this before when you were still getting over your ex. But in lieu of the current situation, you may want to revisit those moments. There is a valid and non-painful reason you’re not the one who’ll be saying “I do” to your ex. Whether it’s being too busy with other things, her incessant nagging or his knack for looking at other women, keep these reasons in your head to remind you why you shouldn’t be wishing to be the one getting married.
Besides, if the reason you’re no longer a couple is that you can’t stand his mother or she’s too needy, find comfort in the fact that your ex is someone else’s problem now.
#9 Try to be genuinely happy for your ex. This would be easy if you managed to become friends after breaking up. Of course, you’d want your friend to be happy! What kind of friend would you be if you didn’t?
On the flip side, if you still wish it was you he/she chose, try to realize that no amount of wishing can change the fact that they are getting hitched. If you truly, unselfishly love your ex, you’d want them to still be happy, right? Even if you’re not the one they’ll be happy with. It may sound like such a tragic thing to say, but acceptance will eventually override your love for your ex.
Marriage is not a race. It’s not even a valid measurement for success or happiness. Do you have any idea how many people are still honestly not ready to get married? Everyone gets the desire to get married at different points in their lives, and some don’t even want to walk down the aisle at all! Try not to make comparisons with your ex or his/her new future spouse.
[Read: 14 things to keep in mind when you accidentally bump into your ex]
Someday, it may be your ex who finds out that you’re the one about to get married. Then they would be the one going through all the steps mentioned above. But by then, you’d probably be too deliriously happy with your wedding to even care!
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