Jealousy is inevitable. And it can feel worse after you’ve ended the relationship. So are you jealous of your ex? Find out how to change that.
When you’re having a hard time dealing with your break up, it’s easy to be jealous of your ex and even hate them for moving on and having a good time.
But we all have to learn to move on.
There’s really no point in living in the past or hoping your partner feels worse than you.
All of us have our own ways of coping with the end of a relationship.
And if your ex gets into a rebound relationship or paints the town red and parties all night long, there’s really nothing you can do about it.
Nothing but lose the jealousy and move on.
Are you jealous of your ex?
Love is such a crazy feeling. It comes with several ups and several downs, and most of them happen when we least expect it.
Sometimes, your love may fizz out or you may assume that your love is fizzing out.
At times when a relationship goes into a slump, a lot of strange things start happening within us.
We feel terrible, frustrated, and we get annoyed with everything around us. Sometimes we feel worse.
And some other times, we’re just not ready to accept the fact that things are over and the relationship has fallen apart.
And even if we do accept it, we just don’t want to see our partner with someone else. Everyone goes through these feelings, so that’s nothing to worry about. But just sometimes, you may find yourself in a mad fit of rage and confusion and do a few things that could just be defined as acts of vengeful stupidity.
“I had a bad break up with my guy”, says Jenny, a young corporate woman, “I just couldn’t come to terms with it, and I found myself stalking my ex boyfriend everywhere he went. He couldn’t see me, but I followed him around in the evenings from a distance. A week after our break up, I found him in a coffee shop with a gorgeous girl. They were flirting and couldn’t keep their hands off each other’s faces and bodies. I was furious, but I stood a fair distance away and watched them patiently, even as every passing minute made me feel worse. As they stepped out, I don’t know what came over me but I just ran towards them, and slapped him and kicked him in his groin. And then, I sat on the curb and put my face in my palms and started crying.”
What this young woman felt was pain, pain beyond anything she had ever felt. You may never have felt it, but sometimes pain and hate replaces the love that we have for someone and makes us do terrible things.
For most of us, feeling jealousy of an ex is an experience that inflicts a lot of pain, but it remains an inner experience and doesn’t reveal itself to others. But in some cases, things can get quite nasty.
The shadow of love
Remember how you felt when you first met your ex lover, how did you feel?
You would have loved a few aspects including your ex’s appearance and personality, and you may have especially adored a few gestures this person used.
Now if you’re jealous of your ex, you probably hate the same things that you once loved the most about them. Think of a past experience of yours about love and jealousy. All the time, the exact opposite feelings of love is experienced when you’re jealous. Romantic jealousy is nothing but a deep, dark shadow of love and it is the exact opposite of the way you feel when you first fall in love.
Love completes you, and romantic jealousy of your ex rips you apart. The type of love that a person has towards their lover bases the character of the type of jealousy that will be experienced if things in the relationship turn nasty.
Jealousy can be excruciatingly painful. And all the happiness of the love you’ve shared comes back in the form of the green eyed jealousy when you go through a break up or a bad phase that you’re not ready to accept. [Read: Are you googling an ex?]
The core of your jealousy
Most importantly, you need to understand why you feel so jealous when it comes to this one person? Is it because you still love your ex and can’t stand the fact that they’re with someone new now? Is it a deep rooted fear, or loss? Do you feel humiliated? Is it your ego? Is it the fact that this person doesn’t care about you anymore? Or is it something else?
Now other than jealousy, what is it that hurts you the most about the breakup? Is it the fact that your old lover is having a wonderful time with someone else while you are sobbing on the curb? [Read: Is my ex thinking about me? – The signs]
Is it because you heard that your ex was necking someone else at a party the earlier night and you felt humiliated about it? The problem with most people is that they are not able to pinpoint the exact reason as to why they are jealous and hurt. And in most cases, they don’t even try pinpointing the exact reason for their pain and jealousy.
And jealousy doesn’t stick its head out only after the break up, it pops its ugly little head even in the most healthiest of relationships. You really need to relax, and think about it with a calm head.
It’s alright to feel jealous of your ex. But what you need to go is really find out what’s bothering you. In most cases, jealousy may be a veiled expression of your humiliation or your helplessness and nothing more.
Spend some time, even a few days or weeks if you have to, and try figuring the main focus of your jealousy.
Pinpoint the core of all your pain and frustrations, and don’t cheat yourself. Most of the times, the main reason for all these feelings may not be lost love, but humiliation, ego or even a missed opportunity to have one last round of sex! Reasons may vary, but the main priority here is to focus on what makes you jealous, what makes you feel pain, and what makes you jealous of your ex. And the more truthful you are to yourself, the faster you can overcome the jealousy and pain. [Read: Is it love or lust?]
Dealing with jealousy after a break up
While you’re in a relationship, you may be in a position to communicate and get over the petty details of jealousy, but sometimes, things can go bad and you may break up over an issue that never does get resolved. Your ex may have been lucky or charming enough to have found someone almost immediately after the break up, and you may find yourself crying out hoarse each time you hear about this new couple in town. But all said and done, there’s nothing you can do about it but move on. [Read: Why you can’t find love]
There’s someone out there for you too, but perhaps you just need more time to get the strength to move on. But before that, you need to get the strength to get over your jealousy. Focus on what exactly makes you feel the way you feel. And learn to get over it by your own or with the help of a few trusted friends.