Jealousy is poison. It eats away at you. Whether founded in reality or just in your subconscious, it can seep into every part of your life and relationship. If you find yourself wondering why am I so jealous, it is time to face the issue.
When you feel jealous, it can take over your rational thought process. You may know for 100% certainty that your partner is loyal, but knowing they are going to a business dinner with their hot coworker still drives you nuts. That can easily cause you to blame them for something they haven’t done or would never do. It’s no wonder that jealousy is one of the main reasons for relationship failure. [Read: How to deal with jealousy in a relationship and learn to overcome it]
Of course, it’s not just relationships that jealous affects. It can be anything in your life, be it your family, job, or friendships too. You could become insanely jealous of a sibling, thinking that your parents preferred them over you. It could be that you are jealous of a co-worker because they always seem to be in good favor with your boss. The same kinds of situations can arise in friendships.
However jealousy affects you, it’s vital to work it out and do your best to stamp it out of your life as best you can. [Read: Why am I so jealous? 8 ways to recognize the reasons and fix it]
Jealousy can sprout from so many seeds. It can be planted in your mind by the smallest comment in passing.
When you are jealous, you feel protective. Even if you’re angry or irrational or just plain scared, it comes from a protective place. You have something or someone you hold dear, and something is looming over your happiness.
In fact, your relationship doesn’t even have to be threatened for you to feel jealous. If you have been cheated on in the past, those fears can easily carry you into a new relationship with someone who has never hurt you. [Read: 6 little ways to stop being so jealous in a relationship]
You may also be jealous due to insecurity. That insecurity can come from your childhood, a past relationship, your parents, or anything else. Feeling unworthy of love can make you hyperaware of anything that could sabotage your relationship.
Along with these, broken trust, competition, projection, and even just a gut feeling can make you jealous. But, it isn’t always easy to nail down the source of your jealousy when it is taking over. [Read: 20 ways to tame the green-eyed monster]
Maybe something we have said already rings a bell with you. Perhaps it’s another situation altogether. Some people are jealous in general and it becomes ingrained in every part of their lives. It could be that your past relationships are haunting your current one, or you are still working on trusting a partner you forgave for lying.
Identifying what makes you jealous can help you face the cause head-on and get over those doubtful feelings.
Your past is probably the biggest aggressor when it comes to feeling jealous. Our psyche becomes used to certain patterns and expects them to happen again. Being able to anticipate cheating or lying is a form of protection that comes from being hurt in the past. [Read: Emotional baggage – How to help someone put it down and find freedom]
Maybe your ex dumped you for their secretary, so now you are jealous of your current partner’s assistant. You put yourself into survival mode, so you aren’t hurt again. You may act irrationally because you are dead-set on securing what you have.
Talk to your partner. Let them know you trust them but that you can’t help but be worried because of what you’ve been through in the past. They should understand that this isn’t about you doubting them. Sharing your past and fears with your partner and having them understand can help ease your jealousy. [Read: 17 relationship red flags most people completely ignore]
Even if you consider yourself a confident person, that confidence can be threatened and shaken occasionally. Insecurities get to all of us, even those in happy relationships.
For instance, you might start seeing someone, and you’re extremely happy. For some reason, you start stalking their social media and come across photos of them and their ex. They probably broke up years ago, and you know they don’t talk, but seeing those photos still lights a fire inside of you. [Read: Insecurity in a relationship – How to feel more secure and love better]
There may be no rational or substantial reason for you to feel jealous. After all, you have a past dating life too, but some insecurity deep down may bring on those feelings. They could pass quickly, but even the smallest insecurity can make you jealous.
This is something your partner can soothe temporarily for you with an ego-boost of compliments, but you really should address this on your own since this comes from within you. [Read: 20 common reasons why you feel insecure and care more than other people]
Competition for someone with control issues, a need to win, or even just be on the same level as someone else can lead to jealousy. You may think romantic jealousy is different from office/work competition, but it isn’t so.
Maybe you’re jealous of your partner’s ex because they have a better job than you. You could be jealous of your partner’s celebrity crush or some girl he liked a photo of on Instagram. It can be completely ridiculous, but it can be so hard not to compare yourself to someone competitive in life. [Read: My boyfriend likes other girls’ pictures on Instagram – Here’s what to do]
This can go hand-in-hand with insecurity but can also be drawn from a need to win or have control. Trying to focus on yourself and your relationship rather than any external factors can help.
If your partner has cheated or lied in the past, rebuilding that trust can be very hard. You may have forgiven them, but you haven’t forgotten the pain. Even if your partner has given you no substantiated reason to be jealous, once the trust is broken, jealousy sneaks through all those cracks.
In this case, there is no easy fix. You can’t just put BandAids on the scars and move forward. Work on trust with your partner. It will take effort, time, and a lot of talking and trustworthy behavior.
Sometimes therapy and trust exercises can go a long way to regain trust. [Read: How to rebuild trust after even the worst type of betrayal]
When we do something wrong, we are a lot more likely to accuse others of doing wrong. First off, we don’t want to be alone in our guilt, but we also know that if we are capable of something, so are others.
You may not understand why you are jealous of your partner’s coworker. You know nothing is going on, but you feel uneasy about it or need to bring it up with your partner.
This could be a projection. Without even realizing it, you may be flirting with a coworker. It could be innocent, but you know that you are doing something on the verge of cheating deep down. Your buried guilt is showing up through jealousy.
Think about how you have been acting with others, roll back anything you would feel uncomfortable with if your partner was doing, and see if those feelings go away. [Read: Micro-cheating – What it is and signs you’re accidentally doing it]
Fear is the cause of all jealousy. Whether the fear of losing control, fear of loss, fear of heartbreak and pain… it goes on. The fear of pain or losing someone is so strong. It can negate everything you do.
Fear can be paralyzing. When it shows up through jealousy, it can get very ugly. It is so hard to let go of fear, especially this one. Talk to your partner about it. Whether you’ve been cheated on or betrayed in the past or not, losing someone you love is scary. Communication is so important in situations such as this.
Just letting out those feelings can take some of the weight away. [Read: How to be fearless – 13 ways to set aside fear and live your life]
When we are protecting ourselves from pain, we often self-sabotage. This means we end things before we get hurt. This can be brought on by fear, low self-esteem, and a variety of other things.
We get irrationally jealous as a way to push away our partners before they can push us away. A great example of this is Ross and Rachel from Friends. He gets insanely jealous of not only Rachel’s new job but also her coworker Mark, who has been nothing but a gentleman. [Read: Want to fall in love? Change these 8 self-sabotaging habits]
We know Ross has been hurt in the past and that he has low self-esteem. Being with the girl he has adored since he was a kid is a dream for him. For so long, he thought it was unattainable and he became terrified he would lose her.
Instead of sharing that with her openly and honestly, he self-sabotaged his own happiness with overkill. He suffocated her with love and jealousy, which at first seems like a way to hold onto the relationship. Subconsciously, it was so he could end things before she could. [Read: Are you exhibiting the signs of being emotionally dependent on your partner?]
Jealousy is a funny thing. There can be so many things that bring it on that can be explained, and there may also be no rational reason. There may be nothing you can put your finger on at all.
Your partner may be a gem. There are no suspicious phone calls in the middle of the night. They aren’t late from work or smelling like someone else. But for some reason, you can’t shake the feeling they’re cheating. Sometimes your gut just knows.
What you should remember is that your gut can also be wrong sometimes. This all comes back to fear. If you’re worried about something, that little voice in your head tells you that it’s coming true. Then, you start to believe it. Question any gut feeling you have and try to reason with it. Keep your mind on facts and logic, not ‘what ifs’ and maybe. [Read: How to follow your gut instinct – Tried and true methods to follow]
For sure, you can learn to become a less jealous person with the tips above. However, you first have to realize that you’re actually being jealous in the first place! The key to overcoming anything is an acknowledgment of the problem first and foremost.
Jealousy is not going to add any depth or meaning to your life. It will only cause you pain and loss. It’s normal to be slightly envious of someone or something, but when it goes to full-on jealousy, that’s when you need to take action. The green-eyed monster can turn you into a vindictive and bitter person if you allow it to, so make sure that you acknowledge it, try to reframe the thoughts in your mind, and focus on the positives instead. Remember, communication is also key when jealousy arises in relationships.
[Read: The complete guide to stop being insecure and start being happy in your relationship]
Now can you answer that frustrating question – why am I so jealous? We hope you can. And then we hope you work through it for a happy and healthy relationship.
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