When you said “I do” you meant it, but you now feel more like “I don’t.” So, how do you know when your marriage is over? Here are some clues.
Every marriage is bound to encounter some bumps along the road. But if it feels more like you are on a rollercoaster, then you may be wondering if it is all worth it. Marriage is not supposed to be easy, but if the flame is gone and you feel like it is sucking the life out of you, then you may have to re-evaluate if your significant other really was the one for you.
How do you know when your marriage is over
There are signs that your marriage may need a little TLC. But, if you are getting caution signs, that is another thing altogether. The problem is that it is difficult to know the difference. In general, there are some things that are not repairable. So, how do you know if your marriage is over? Here are some clues.
#1 One or the both of you is being abused. Some things in a marriage appear to be bad, but when you look around and consider that everyone has problems, you can work through yours. If, however, one or both of you is abusive or being abused, then your marriage is not able to be repaired.
If you think that a little push, shove, or even being hit was a mistake and it won’t happen again, think again. Violence and abuse in a relationship rarely gets better or disappears. If they were able to lay their hands on you once, the likelihood is that they will do it again… and more forceful the next time. [Read: Are you in an abusive relationship – 16 signs you’ve probably ignored]
#2 You can’t seem to get past the arguing. The rollercoaster is a horrible way to live life. Rollercoasters are supposed to be fun, but instead, you get all the stomach sickness without the thrill of the ride.
If two people can’t let go of resentment and hurt, or resolve what is eating them individually, then they are bound to go ‘round and ‘round over and again without resolution.
If you can’t seem to stop arguing for more than a couple of days and have sought counseling, it may just be that you can’t get past whatever is between you. At some point, you need to stop and ask yourself whether you really want to be doing this in ten more years, or worse yet, thirty. [Read: 12 subtle signs of a loveless, unhappy marriage]
#3 You don’t have sexual feelings for your significant other anymore. We all can experience a little lackluster in the bedroom during times of stress or after the honeymoon is over, but you have a complete lack of sexual arousal for your partner, it may not return.
There are times when things happen between two people, and they lose that loving feeling. If it isn’t that you need a little spice in your love life, but rather that you would rather never touch or be touched by your spouse again, then that probably is not fixable.
Although sex is not what marriage is based on, having no sexual feelings for someone isn’t a healthy way to live life. If the thought of being with your significant other makes you throw up a little in your mouth, it is time to re-think your relationship. [Read: The top 20 reasons for divorce most couples overlook]
#4 One of you has cheated. When you make a commitment to someone and say I do, part of those vows include “forsaking all others.” If one of you didn’t live up to that commitment, it might have cause damage to your marriage that is beyond repair. Some people can learn to forgive and forget, while others simply can’t get past the betrayal.
If you know in your heart that you can’t forgive or move forward, don’t stay just to punish them, or even punish yourself by staying. Make a clean break so you can move on with your life and find someone who is trustworthy and worthwhile. [Read: 16 signs it’s time to move on and end your relationship]
#5 There is no trust left. There are all different reasons that couples stop trusting one another, and it isn’t always about physical cheating.
Whether it is that you can’t trust them to come home when they say they will, stop talking to their friends about you, or hiding money in different accounts, trust is the cornerstone of a marriage. And without it, it is very hard to maintain a happy and healthy marriage.
If you are married to a compulsive liar, or someone you just don’t feel is ever honest, then it may be time to ditch the marriage and find someone who you know is telling you the truth, not just covering their ass all the time. [Read: 12 real reasons why couples drift apart over time]
#6 Your fighting is messing up the kids. If you think that your fighting isn’t tainting your children’s emotional well-being, think again. Kids are very perceptive. You don’t have to be fighting out loud or throwing dishes at each other for your children to know that you don’t get along. Kids learn through modeling, and that includes relationships.
If you are in an unhappy marriage and are staying because of the kids, don’t. What you are teaching them is that marriage is about a bad relationship with two people sticking it out. That is likely what they will seek when they get older.
#7 It’s a co-dependent relationship. Co-dependent relationships are ones that are unhealthy for both parties. Whether you stay because she pays the bills or because he turns a blind eye and cleans up after your drunken stupors, then your marriage is making you both unhealthy.
You shouldn’t be in a relationship unless the other person is challenging you, cares for you, and wants you to be the best you possible. If they are just there to clean up your mess, you are both messing each other up, and it might be time to move out and on.
#8 You are with a narcissist. When we are in love, we think we can change someone, especially at the start of a relationship. If you didn’t know that you were married to a narcissist until you were well after the “I dos” and think that it is going to get better, it isn’t.
Once a narcissist, always a narcissist. You aren’t going to change them because they don’t have the capacity to change. It is a personality style. They may try to accommodate your needs. But, in the end, they really aren’t going to change… they might just get better at pretending. You will always feel empty and lonely no matter how much you tell yourself it is okay. It isn’t. [Read: 16 clear signs you’re in a narcissistic relationship]
#9 You have nothing in common. When you first fall in love, the little things don’t seem to matter at all. So what if you didn’t like going to movies together, or going hiking together, or really doing anything together, right?
If after you say “I do” you find yourself without a partner to do anything with, you can start to wonder why you are with someone. If the two of you simply have nothing in common, opposites might attract, but if they are West and you are East, it is going to be hard to have a relationship for the long term. [Read: 12 signs you’re starting to fall out – And it may be too late]
Marriage is a huge commitment and not one that you should ever leave without excellent cause. I can’t tell you if your marriage is going to last or not. All I can tell you is that life is way too short to be stuck in a relationship if it isn’t healthy, or if it is killing your happiness and you’ve tried everything to change it to no avail.
Obviously, the best thing to do is to seek to counsel if possible and try to develop better communication skills to express your feelings and put time aside for one another.
There you have it – clues for how do you know when your marriage is over. But, if it all fails, don’t stay in a relationship that isn’t working just because you made a promise. That isn’t what this go-around in life is about.
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