People aren’t always what they seem, and the friend you trust might stab you in the back. So how do you identify a frenemy among friends?
Let’s be honest, we have all had a frenemy at some point. A frenemy is supposed to be a friend, but they are a covert enemy. Typically, you keep the peace because it is easier than being honest about how you feel. Since when has confrontation been easy anyway?
Frenemies are the definition of fake friends, but they’re not always as easy to spot. Some frenemies are so sly and subtle that they genuinely feel like a real friend, which is why you need to spot the concrete signs to know for sure.
After all, friends can break your heart too, and this goes especially for someone just pretending to be your friend. [Read: How to spot a fake friend – signs they can fake but can’t hide]
Who are your frenemies?
Your frenemies act like your friend, but they will stab you in the back, be fake to you, and even take advantage of your kindness. Based on the name itself, it’s someone who pretends to be your friend and is secretly your enemy.
They’re practically out to get you, and don’t care a single bit about your well-being or happiness. While the lines can easily be crossed, they’re incapable of providing you with true friendship.
They’re being fake to you because they don’t want to confront you with their true feelings, and this works both ways. So you end up being frenemies, just tolerating one another and pretending to call it friendship. [Read: 25 mean signs of a fake friend who doesn’t care about you at all]
The psychology of frenemies
Due to the essence of our own human nature, frenemies are quite common. After all, we’re all egotistical, self-serving machines and social animals, so our friends are often both allies and rivals.
We don’t view ourselves objectively or by comparing ourselves with past versions. Instead, we do so by comparing ourselves with others.
Therefore, when we see our friends going places, meeting new people, accomplishing new things, etc., from our subjective point of view, their successes are a constant reminder that we’re not good enough.
It’s safe to say that the idea of frenemies is a consequence of ego protection. And frenemies are dangerous when they refuse to take a look within themselves and choose to blame others for their frustrations. So frenemies are the definition of fake friends.
[Read: What do guys think of their female friends? 17 secrets revealed]
What do frenemies want?
Some frenemies want what you have. They become jealous of your achievements or the other great aspects of your life. Jealousy is an evil beast that destroys trust, love, respect, and admiration.
Some frenemies want to feel superior to you. They need to bring you down to feel good about themselves. Don’t expect them to be encouraging or supportive, because if you fail, they will make sure you won’t ever forget. [Read: 25 signs to tell if someone is jealous of you & doesn’t wish you well]
Some frenemies are just frenemies because they don’t know where they stand with you. Maybe they feel like you don’t value them as much as they do you. A conversation will solve this just fine.
The 3 main types of frenemies
Did you know that there are three different types of frenemies? Let’s find out what they are and how to deal with them.
1. The ambivalent relationship
The first type is someone you have mixed feelings for. Your friendship with them has both positives and negatives. For example, you’re competing with each other or they have hurt you in the past and you’ve lost trust in them.
What you can do is readjust your perspective about the competition so that you no longer consider it a negative thing. It’ll be more like an actual achievement instead of just trying to be better than your friend.
When your frenemy says something that offends you, speak up right away. You cannot control what they say, but you can stick up for yourself.
If you can, try to limit the information on your future projects to them, and keep the important details to yourself. [Read: 25 ex-best friend quotes to deal with outgrowing or ending a friendship]
2. The involuntary relationship
The second type of frenemies is involuntary friendships. This person is part of your circle of friends, a group, a team you belong to, or a workmate. If you end the friendship, it might impact other relationships and your participation in the group.
You can either try the solutions for type 1, or try to win them over. Chances are, they think you don’t really like them. Don’t gossip about others with this frenemy because you don’t know what they’re capable of.
Keeping your friends close and your enemies closer may be a good strategy if this person is somehow important. [Read: Friends of convenience – what is it, how it works & signs to see it]
3. The long-term frenemy
This type of frenemy is someone you’ve known for a long time. Your long history is the only thing keeping you together. This individual may talk about themselves almost always throughout conversations.
You can give them “the fade”. Mute them on social media, hide your story from them, or even unfollow them and stop inviting them to group events.
You can also call them out when they ask you for favors and never repay or bring up your complaints directly. [Read: How to reconnect with old friends & rebuild your lost friendships]
The signs to beware of frenemies hidden in friend’s clothing
The problem with frenemies is that if you get sucked in and forget your place. When this happens, you end up getting really hurt. The lines between friends and enemies blur pretty frequently.
If you don’t notice, you wake up with your heart broken, your secrets stolen, and feeling robbed. If you have a frenemy, don’t allow yourself to become attached or ever forget what the real relationship is. [Read: 15 signs of a bad friend to always be on the lookout for]
1. They are way too self-disclosed upfront
Someone who tells you everything about them instantly is probably doing so to capture you and get a leg up. They do it to gain control over you and to get you, in turn, to give them your secretive information. Once they know all your secrets, they’ve got you. They own you.
You might be thinking that it’s incredibly sweet that they trusted you with all that information about them. It means they’re worth trusting, right? Wrong. It’s a manipulation tactic from someone who isn’t a real friend to you. [Read: 27 signs of emotional manipulation to know if you’re being used by someone]
2. They want all of your attention
A frenemy wants all of your time and all of your attention because they don’t want any competition from other people in your life. Isolation and making sure you have no one to turn to is your frenemy’s best friend.
If they get you to blow off your other friends and focus solely on them, then who are you going to turn to when they start to push you around?
They’re pretty sly like that, so watch out if they’re trying to isolate you from your other friends or worse, turn you against them. This is a classic move of a frenemy. [Read: Superficial person alert – 36 shallow traits they just can’t hide]
3. Frenemies love to play devil’s advocate
If you have a friend who can’t seem to ever agree with you or be on your side, but rather takes the “devil’s advocate” side, they intentionally try to sabotage your feelings and any initiative that you would have to succeed. Real friends should be supportive, but a frenemy will never provide you with this.
Like popping your balloon, they never show you praise. Instead, they present to you all the reasons why things never work to keep you reliant and subordinate to them. It’s not a friend just being blunt and honest with you – it’s a frenemy within your reach.
4. They almost always have an ulterior motive
Frenemies aren’t really your friend. They seek to gain something from you. You are a means to some end. If you feel taken advantage of, guess what? That feeling is probably real. Never ignore what your gut instinct is trying to tell you.
If they’re telling you not to trust a friend, believe them. Listen to that internal feeling telling you something isn’t right. Otherwise, you’ll end up regretting not listening to it. [Read: How to manipulate a manipulator and escape their manipulative grasp]
5. They love drama
A frenemy likes to create conflict and drama by always digging up dirt or starting shit.
They always have to be mad at someone to unite you with them. Always asking for allegiance, they create fake scenarios to pit you against other people – just because. [Read: Bad friends – 25 types of friends you MUST unfriend from your life]
6. They love to know all the ugly
A frenemy loves to get the dirt on everyone to use later for their own purposes. It’s almost like taking stock of everyone’s faults, failures, and what they can ultimately use to embarrass them or make them miserable.
When with a frenemy, they constantly pump you for gossip and information on everyone else. In fact, you shouldn’t even be surprised about how they know things before anyone else does. They just thrive on getting all the dirt first. [Read: Why some people go searching for drama]
7. They use humor to cut you down
Do you know those people who pass off their insults as humor? A frenemy is one of them. When you ask them to stop, they might even tell you that you’re too sensitive or to chill out.
Everyone else thinks they are just being funny making you the butt of their entertainment efforts. But deep down, you know that there is nothing funny about it. [Read: Toxic friends – types of friends to avoid]
8. They make you question what you say and do
A real friend is someone you can genuinely trust and someone you can be yourself around wholeheartedly. With a frenemy, it’s like you’re walking on eggshells all the time. A frenemy works best by keeping you on your guard.
Since they pretend to be your friend while at the same time showing hostility of being unfriendly, it leaves you asking if it is you or what you have done.
That isn’t much fun, and that certainly isn’t friendship behavior. You doubt yourself in the process, and you don’t need that in a friend. [Read: 20 signs of a toxic friend to instantly recognize the rotten ones]
9. They hate to be challenged
At the heart of any frenemy is someone insecure and probably jealous. It’s easier to have you around than to be at odds. They don’t like it when you question their superiority over you or challenge them. So if you stand up to them or fight against them, they won’t like it.
Frenemies just expect you to go along with whatever they say. Because, well, most people do. If you do call them out, they completely overreact and make sure you feel so stupid and insecure that you might think twice about ever doing it again.
So if you want to win against a frenemy, don’t back down. Or, you can just cut them off entirely android all that drama. [Read: Types of toxic friends you need to ditch immediately]
10. They couldn’t care less
A frenemy’s signature move is they couldn’t care less about you. They aren’t ever going to be your emergency contact. In fact, if something is serious in your world and you really need them, they are either going to be out to lunch or staring at their phone while you pour your heart out.
They really couldn’t care less about your problems or issues, primarily if it doesn’t concern them. A frenemy really is this self-absorbed, and you shouldn’t expect anything more.
The only people that frenemies care about are themselves. Insensitive is an understatement when it comes to someone who is your frenemy, so try not to make the mistake of thinking that they care. They just don’t. [Read: How to deal with negative people and stop them sapping your energy]
11. They backstab you
A frenemy is the opposite of a real friend. They will backstab you shamelessly to others and tell them about your worst traits and problems. They might even gossip about you! A true friend would never do this.
As we said, they thrive on drama and gossip, which is why they love spreading rumors about you. They don’t care about your well-being as a friend. [Read: Be careful who you trust – 15 ways to recognize the backstabbers]
12. They always ask for favors
A true friendship goes both ways, and if not, they’re not your real friend. So if they constantly ask for favors and use your generosity against you, they’re most likely your frenemy.
They don’t care about returning the favor or making things mutual. All they care about is their selfish gain, which helps you see how they’re not your real friend.
A true friend would meet you halfway, but a frenemy wouldn’t even bother. [Read: One-sided friendship – 15 clear signs it’s time to cut them loose]
13. They don’t celebrate your achievements
One of the evident signs of a frenemy is that they’re clearly jealous of your achievements. When you tell them about something positive you’ve done, they will put you down shamelessly.
Their jealousy and envy are so through the roof that they never even bother giving you a compliment about your accomplishments.
While true friends will celebrate your successes with you and tell you they’re proud of you, frenemies won’t waste their energy or time. They want it to be them succeeding, and not you. [Read: How to recognize and end toxic relationships]
14. They’re passive-aggressive
Passive-aggressiveness is such an ugly trait, especially in friendships. They’ll sabotage you and insult you through their passive-aggressive comments.
Maybe it’s saying, “You could be so pretty if you only learned how to dress up better.” It’s an insult hidden in a compliment, which just goes to show they’re incapable of giving you heartfelt and genuine compliments. [Read: How to deal with passive aggressive behavior calmly & with class]
15. They bring out your worst
A real friend will support you no matter what, but a frenemy will bring out your worst. They make you feel bad 24/7, and there isn’t a day you feel their genuine love or friendship.
You can’t help but be at your worst when they’re around. You might even have been tempted to blame it on yourself before you realized they were a fake friend all along. [Read: Selfish friends – they take so much and give nothing in return]
16. They only want to talk about themselves
One-sided friendships can be frustrating. But first, you need to find out if it has anything to do with trauma, because some people don’t know how to feel connected to people unless they share their problems. So if you start sharing your stories and they become receptive and encouraging, they’re a real friend.
Some people, however, don’t care about you enough to want to ask how you’re feeling. They’re the real frenemies, and you need to remove them from your life or make sure they know you’ve had enough. [Read: 25 secret signs of a jealous friend & how to deal with their envy]
Do you have a frenemy?
If you have a friend who you feel doesn’t really give a shit about you, uses you as a scapegoat, and makes you the bud of their comedic routine every time you are out, then they aren’t your friend.
They keep you close because they envy you and know that it is better for them to pretend to be your friend than to make you their enemy. [Read: 15 signs you have shitty friends and need to get some new ones]
How to deal with a frenemy
You don’t always have to cut them off, but here are some ways you can try while dealing with a frenemy.
1. Set your boundaries
While you may have some enjoyable time together, it’s crucial to avoid becoming complacent. Even if there are benefits to this friendship, it may also turn out to be harmful.
What you can do is set limits on the topics of conversation, the private information that you disclose, and the amount of time you spend together. If it’s a workplace frenemy, stay polite but don’t start opening up after a few post-work drinks. [Read: How to set personal boundaries & guide other people to respect it]
2. Use the competition for your benefit
It may benefit both your personal and professional goals if you keep the competition healthy.
Use that to your advantage rather than letting the pressure weigh you down or make you feel hopeless. Get inspired to put in more effort and arm to become better. A little challenge will do you some good.
3. Keep your cool
You’ll occasionally find yourself in difficult or irritating circumstances while dealing with your frenemy. Try your best not to let your feelings mislead you.
Do whatever it takes to keep yourself calm and collected. The last thing you’d need is for your frenemy to know they’ve gotten to you.
4. Don’t gossip
If you want to thrive in this type of friendship, you must learn to hold back. Do not gossip with your frenemy or about your frenemy. It’s so easy to get into negative talks, but it’ll only make the relationship between the two of you more challenging.
5. Turn them back to friends
It’s important to remember that having more friends means having more power, and frenemies are often friends with rushed egos. So try killing them with kindness.
Be warm and friendly to them as a way of saying you don’t consider them a rival. When you choose to treat people with kindness, you’re doing the right thing.
6. Don’t tell them directly they’re being frenemies
Confronting them directly isn’t always a good idea unless you know them very well. They will only try to deny it and start to resent you even more.
7. Stand up for yourself
Being kind does not mean you should put up with their bad behaviors. If someone treats you horribly, you have every right to stand up for yourself.
You can politely tell them that they’re offending you or hurting your feelings and remind them that you’re not easy to get picked on. If they want to maintain your friendship, they will have to earn it. [Read: 23 secrets to stand up for yourself in a relationship & know your true worth]
8. Expand your friendship circle
The more friends you have, the less likely you feel abandoned. If one becomes a frenemy and eventually an enemy, you still have other friends to show you support.
Also, it’s important to separate your frenemy and friends, because if you two do end up falling out, it will be very awkward hanging out in the same friend group.
Let’s be real, no one wants to have to pick a side between their friends. [Read: How to be a friend – the real art of true and meaningful friendships]
9. Block them if needed
If their social media presence triggers you or if they keep stalking you and the people in your life, block them. You can still be friends with them in real life. Don’t feel bad for putting yourself first.
10. End the friendship
Sometimes we need to protect ourselves, and if the relationship with your frenemy becomes too damaging to the point where it’s affecting other aspects of your life, it’s best to let them go.
You may miss them, but you two will be better off going your separate ways. [Read: Friendship breakup -why it hurts when it happens & how to get over it]
Just be careful of a friend in frenemy clothes. Frenemies are a road to heartache. If you can relate to most of the things above, they might not be a true friend to you, but a fake one!
