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50 Smartass & Sarcastic Quotes to Leave Anyone Speechless & Confused

There are some people who would try the patience of a saint. When you meet one, you need a range of smartass quotes to send them on their way. 

smartass quotes

Everyone loves a smartass, whether they want to admit it or not. It’s that love/hate thing that means you can’t stand them on one hand, but you find them hilarious on the other. In fact, people love sarcasm, which makes it a great outlet to get all of that pent-up resentment out while slapping a smile on your face. So what’s the most effective way to get out your frustrations while still coming off like the lovable stud/studette that you are? Smartass quotes.

If you have ever been offended by someone with nothing but a gaping mouth and a figurative puff of smoke as a response, you know how tragic a lack of a comeback can feel.

It’s not until an hour or two later that you come up with a one-liner to knock them off their feet. Unfortunately, by that point, the opportunity is long gone. [Read: 60 creative insults to intellectually insult someone with sarcasm and leave everyone around laughing]

It’s these harrowing situations that wake you out of a sound sleep suddenly fresh with dozens of snappy one-liners you wish you would have said.

Nasty ex sniffing around? There’s a smartass quote for that. Friend making bad life choices? There’s a smartass quote for that.

Don’t go through life unprepared! We’re giving you the best smartass quotes for life, breakups, comebacks, and general advice to live by. Learn them and you’ll never have that “I wish I’d said that” moment again!

Smartass quotes with a dose of advice

Sometimes life leads you astray with no one to turn to. That’s where we come in! If you’re looking for a sassier way to go through life, these smartass quotes with advice are sure to help. [Read: 101 savage good comebacks for every witty, funny or rude comeback]

1. “I always say ‘Morning’ instead of ‘Good Morning,’ because if it was a good morning, I would still be in my bed and not talking to people.”

2. “Some days you eat salads and go to the gym. Some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. It’s called balance.”

3. “Face your problems, don’t Facebook them.”

4. “God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” – Robin Williams

5. “You can’t make somebody love you. You can only stalk them and hope for the best.” [Read: 55 funny quotes about love and all its complications]

6. “Women are like iPhones. You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries. Rub one ball and everything moves.”

7. “I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because I’m still looking for ideas.”

8. “I’m not very good at advice. May I interest you in a sarcastic comment, instead?” – Chandler, Friends [Read: Dry sense of humor: What is it & 20 signs you’re too dry and funny]

9. “When I feel down and someone tells me to ‘suck it up,’ I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say ‘walk it off.’”

Smartass quotes for breakups

Love is grand, until it isn’t. That’s when you’ll want to have an arsenal of coy, yet hilarious, comebacks ready in your back pocket. Want to know whether you should be kicking your lover to the curb? These smartass quotes about breakups are sure to help you out.

10. “Shut up with the back talk, because if I wanted lip from you, I’d sit on your face” – L.A. Casey, Dominic [Read: 11 profound relationship quotes everyone can relate to]

11. “If you’re cooler than me, would that make me hotter than you?”

12. “You were my cup of tea, but I drink champagne now.”

13. “Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.” – Bill Murray

14. “Sorry, I’m not Adele. I don’t wish the best for you, nor do I want to find someone like you. I do, however, want to set fire to all of your stuff.” [Read: All the quotes you need while going through a breakup]

15. “You cross my mind only on Thursday morning. That’s the day when I take out the garbage.”

16. “Thanks for dating someone ugly after we broke up.”

17. “Relationships are a lot like Algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?”

18. “What’s a Queen without her King? Well, historically speaking, more powerful.”

19. “I’m going back to living my fabulous life before you interrupted it to remind me that there are still assholes in this world.”

20. “When your ex says, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me’ reply with: ‘that’s the point.’”

21. “Today I saw something that reminded me of you. Don’t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.”

22. “My ex had one very annoying habit. Breathing.” [Read: Being single – 30 happy, inspiring quotes for singles]

Smartass quotes to live by

Don’t let someone else dictate how you live your life. You do you! Whether you’re looking to tell it like it is, or offer someone a confusing truth about human behavior, these quotes to live by are sure to help you out. [Read: 19 life quotes to motivate you to live a better life]

23. “It’s better to be late than to arrive ugly.” – Marilyn Monroe

24. “Thanks for pretending not to see me when I was pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation that neither of us wanted to have.”

25. “Oh, hey, kettle, I’m pot and wow, you’re black.” – Olivia Cunning, Tie Me

26. “You think I’m cute when I’m angry? Well get ready, because I’m about to be gorgeous.”

27. “If I’m a sarcastic asshole when I talk to you, it’s either because I really like you and feel comfortable teasing you, or I really hate you and don’t care if you know it. Good luck figuring out which one.”

28. “The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality.” [Read: How to be funny and make people love your company]

29. “You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying: “I just find it funny how… ” Because there is a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny.”

30. “Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn’t made any plans, and trying to figure out how the hell you hurt your back.”

31. “My girlfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face… I love sharpies.”

32. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright

33. “If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?”

Smartass quotes to insult

Is someone being a total dick and you’re at a loss for what to say? Don’t go down that road. It’s torturous. You don’t want to be that person who could literally write a book about what you wish you would have said.

Here are the best insulting smartass quotes we could find. Sometimes, people just need to be told. [Read: 101 Savage good comebacks for every witty, funny, or rude comment]

34. “I’m actually not funny. I’m just mean and people think I’m joking.”

35. “Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.”  – Winston Churchill

36. “I can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.”

37. “If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.” -Marilyn Monroe

38. “I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.”

39. “Sometimes I wish I was a bird… so I could fly over certain people and shit on their heads.”

40. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.” [Read: 45 Saddest lost love quotes for the broken-hearted]

41. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

42. “If you ran as much as you ran your mouth, you’d be in great shape.”

43. “Look officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m saying is, if you caught me, then you were speeding too.”

44. “Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”

45. “If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.”

46. “I typed ‘Bitch’ into my GPS and guess what? I’m in your driveway.”

47. “You call me a bitch. A dog is a bitch, dogs bark. Bark is on tree, trees are in nature. Nature is beautiful and so am I. Thanks for the compliment” [Read: 20 Smart medieval insults in English that should make a comeback]

48. “Don’t blame me for your stupidity, take that up with your mom and dad”

49. “I would love to insult you, but I wouldn’t do as well as nature did”

50. “Whoever told you to be yourself gave you really bad advice” [Read: Ready to charm? How to be witty and win anyone over]

How to deliver the perfect smartass quote

It’s all very well and good having a range of smartass quotes in your armory, but how do you deliver them in the right way? Here are a few pieces of advice to help you hit the right note when firing off your favorite quote.

1. Don’t smile

This is one of the times in life when you should keep a straight face. If you smile whilst you’re giving your smartass quote, you’re going to take away its power.

You’re not trying to get a laugh in most cases, you’re trying to insult. Of course, those who aren’t in the direct line of insult will no doubt find it hilarious! [Read: Backhanded compliment – How to react kindly or give back in kind]

2. A raised eyebrow can make all the difference

Now, if you’re not someone who raises their eyebrow easily, don’t do it. You’ll just end up looking comedic and that’s not what we’re going for here.

However, if you can do the raised eyebrow look, it will add a dose of irony and “really?” to your quote.

3. Keep your voice steady

You’re about to hit a home run and you want to jump in the air and scream “yes!” because for once you know exactly what to say. Hold it in.

The point of being sarcastic is that it’s cool and effortless. Keep your voice steady, avoid sounding too pleased with yourself, and deliver the line with a straight face.

4. Turn on your heel and leave

The best way to make a serious impact with a smartass quote is to deliver it, turn on your heel, and walk away. Don’t stick around for follow ups because you’ll lose the power.

By having the last say, you’re leaving them dumbfounded and not sure what to say in response. That’s exactly the effect you want to have! [Read: Funny conversation starters and 40 lines to instantly fit right in]

5. Congratulate yourself, silently

Well done, you managed to deliver the perfect insult or smartass line. Now, congratulate yourself by all means but do it silently.

You won’t look cool if you show everyone just how happy you are with your efforts!

[Read: How to be witty – 25 ways to win everyone over with your charm]

There you have it. From the greats to the random internet memes, this was a list of the best smartass quotes for life, ex-loves, and general sassiness. Hope that helped raise your smartass quota for the week.

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Preeti Tewari Serai
Preeti Serai
Preeti, the founder of LovePanky, is an eternal optimist and believer in the beauty of love and life. With an exhaustive experience in love, relationships, and ...