50 Shades of Grey is making news all over the place: a woman getting arrested for masturbating during the film, violent sexual assaults, and hundreds of handcuff newbies resorting to 911 calls to get them out of their sticky situation. Related scandals even had the London Fire Brigade warning people of the dangers of emulating Christian and Ana’s steamy romps!
The hype behind 50 Shades of Grey
“Grey Fever” has hit hard. Whether you went to gawk at two actors *who allegedly hated each other* reciting lines from a script written at a 5th grade reading level, or you’re simply there to see if the sex is as wild as people say, odds are you’ve probably seen 50 Shades of Grey by now. [Read: Lovepanky’s 50 Shades of Grey Review]
After the film, you likely gabbed with your girlfriends about how ridiculous and hollow Ana Steele’s entire personality is and how Christian Grey is a blatant stalker whose controlling and demeaning attitude is confused as romantic by teenage girls. You probably had a laugh at the expense of the film, or perhaps it’s your sexy new guilty pleasure. Do you want to know what you probably didn’t do after seeing this film? End up in the hospital.
Yet, that is what many have done post-50 Shades.
Beginners notes for S&M
Apparently, since the release of the novel 50 Shades of Grey, sex toy injuries have doubled in the United States, often resulting in “Foreign Body Removals” – Do I hear a collective shudder? Even members of the BDSM community have shunned the novel and film for misrepresenting what Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism are all about.
With kinky ER visits soaring since the release of the film, we’re sorry to say you won’t be able to send Mr. Grey a copy of your hospital bill. However, there are some precautions you can and should take when deciding to get freaky in the bedroom.
#1 Talk about everything beforehand. Before you even begin to think about beginning, you need to talk everything through with your partner: what sounds hot, how rough you’re going to get, where you want to start, what you are and aren’t comfortable with, and everything in between.
#2 Have a SAFE word. Make sure you choose a word that you wouldn’t normally use during sex, even in sexual role-play. Let’s pretend in your role play you are the secretary being pursued by her boss. He brushes up against you and starts moving up your skirt. You playfully whisper “no,” and maybe even a more forceful “No!” while you half-heartedly bat his hand away. You know you don’t mean it, and he knows you don’t mean it.
And that is why you should never have “No” or “Stop” as your safe word. This can actually detract from how hot it can be to tease your role-play lover with a playful “Stop that.” Instead, choose a word that you would never use – something silly like “Batman”, “Giraffe”, or “Banana.” Once you or your partner utter your safe word, all BDSM and sexual activity cease.
You may add an additional addendum, such as when you say the word you would like your partner to stop the role-playing, stop the rough BDSM and quickly do or say something affectionate to snap you back into relationship reality. [Read: 15 ways to have the sexiest rough sex ever]
#3 You need to feel respected. As strange as it sounds, when you’re asking someone to dominate you, you need your partner to show you respect. This is why it’s so important to create a safe word, and talk all of your boundaries out before you engage in sexual activity.
#4 Start slow. Like, turtle slow. Start slow at first with a tug of the hair, a stinging spank, and a bite to the lips to get the hang of things and see how much pain you’re actually into. Christian and Ana may make it look fun, sort of, but what you see on a movie screen is definitely different from what you’re going to get in real life. Remember: pain hurts for a reason.
#5 You might feel horrible during. One minute you’re moaning while your mate is pulling your hair and calling you a slut, then next second you snap back to reality and realize your partner is doing something way out of character, and definitely not loving.
Does he really think you’re a slut? It’s amazing how this can start to make you feel truly horrible during or after the sex. Talk it out with your partner and never be afraid to use your safe word, if you start to feel mistreated, ashamed, or uncomfortable in any way. You need to address this immediately, or it may ruin this and future sexual experiences together, even the ones that aren’t BDSM-inspired.
#6 You might feel horrible afterwards. It’s normal to feel a little uncomfortable or awkward about what transpired if it’s your first time dabbling with BDSM, but you shouldn’t feel horrible. If you do, you need to rethink your rules on the matter. Have a long talk after your romp together, and tell each other exactly what you liked, didn’t like, and absolutely hated about the experience. Be completely open and honest.
#7 Practice with handcuffs before you use them on your partner. Apparently getting stuck in handcuffs has become an accidentally common 50 Shades of Grey ritual post-novel. With the release of the movie in theatres, it’s expected that this number will rise. For this reason, it’s important that you know how to use handcuffs properly before you’re putting them on your partner. Practice, practice, practice – and never lose that key! [Read: Top 50 kinky ideas for a sexy relationship]
#8 Watch where you put those hands, Mister. If you are getting aggressive in the bedroom, just make sure you watch where you put those hands. You don’t want your girlfriend to head into work the next day with a giant visible bruise on her face, arms, or legs, unless you want the police called.
#9 Take care of your BDSM bruises. If you’re into hard spanking and whips, odds are you’re going to be left with some marks similar to those acquired when paintballing. Make sure you ice your bruises for 15-20 minutes at a time, take Tylenol or Advil, and apply plenty of Arnica cream for healing up those bruises. Make sure to clean any abrasions or wounds, and keep an eye on them over the days to come.
#10 BE CAREFUL! It might sound strange to say, but be absolutely as careful as can be when engaging in sexual activity that is foreign to you. Furthermore, while these are sometimes practiced by BDSM fans, there really is no need to choke one another or cause your partner to bleed all for the sake of replicating a borderline ridiculous movie.
[Read: 10 sexy and safe games to try with your partner in bed]
The book was poorly written and the movie fared little better, but one thing is certain: 50 Shades has brought kinky, some say degrading, sex out into the mainstream. If you feel the need to emulate these practices, remember to educate yourself, talk it out, and above all else: be careful!
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Waverly Smith is a freelance writer who has been getting paid for spreading her sarcastic take on love, life, and sex since 2010. She is many things that peo...
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