When your partner doesn’t trust anyone, it can be difficult. So, you need to know how to date someone with trust issues. Here’s what you can do to help.
Trust is not something everyone can give right away. It is a struggle for anyone that has been hurt in the past to put themselves out there and risk being hurt again. Dating someone who struggles with this can cause many problems in a relationship. It can lead to jealousy, paranoia, and more. Sure, it doesn’t sound pleasant. But if you know how to date someone with trust issues, you can help your partner and build an amazing relationship.
It won’t be easy. So, if you don’t like relationships that require work, communication, and patience, let this person know now. If you don’t, all you will do is reassure them that their trust issues are valid and they will continue to struggle.
Where do trust issues come from?
If you don’t have any trust issues yourself, then you might be curious about where your partner’s trust issues came from. If they haven’t opened up about it, here are some of the most common roots of trust issues.
A dysfunctional relationship with their parents is a huge source of trust issues for many people. If the parent abandoned them or was abusive, they might not trust anyone.
The reason for that is because if your parents are supposed to be the ones you can trust the most. They are supposed to protect you. So, if they grew up without trusting their parents, it’s hard to trust anyone. [Read: Being raised by narcissists – 18 harmful ways it affects your life]
Similar to not trusting your parents, your siblings can also contribute to mistrust. Siblings can be just as mean or hurtful to a person as the parents. What’s worst yet is if the whole family dynamic was not trustworthy and unhealthy.
Maybe a person was bullied in school growing up. Mean kids might have said they were their friends, but then they went and made fun of them behind their backs. There are a lot of back-stabbing kids in the world, and dealing with these mean kids at a young age can teach anyone poor lessons about mistrust.
4. Romantic partners
This is a big source of trust issues, especially for those who gained trust issues in adulthood. Unfortunately, many people have been cheated on by their partners, so it’s difficult to trust that another partner won’t do the same.
Beyond just cheating, there are other ways to betray your partner, such as financial betrayal or not being the person they thought you were. [Read: How to get over someone cheating on you and repair the damage]
5. Authority figures
Many people trust authority figures, such as the government, their teachers, or their doctor. So, if they once trusted an authority figure but were betrayed by them, then it is likely that they might not trust anyone.
Why you should learn how to date someone with trust issues
Dating someone with trust issues can become such a gift. Once you do earn their trust, you know it is solid. You know that not only do they trust you, but you can trust them just as deeply.
Someone with trust issues is not only hesitant to trust others but is careful when they have someone else’s trust. They do not want to let others down or break their trust because they know how much it hurts.
Seeing as trust is a vital part of any relationship, knowing that you have been working on it from day one makes it mean even more special. Not only does your relationship get that extra care and patience from the beginning, but you won’t take it for granted. [Read: How to make your relationship work by building a stronger bond]
Communication and honesty will be your priority before any struggles arise between you. This way, you will have already sorted through common relationship struggles that others face down the line.
The benefits of learning how to date someone with trust issues are immense and long-lasting. At first, it can seem daunting, but in time you will see that facing these struggles early on only sets you up for an even stronger and healthier relationship.
Can you learn how to date someone with trust issues?
Yes, you can do anything you set your mind to. But some people just don’t have the patience or understanding to date someone with trust issues.
[Read: How to know if your relationship is worth keeping]
Accepting that the person you’re with has trust issues and dealing with that is not always easy. It can make you wonder what you’re doing wrong. It can make you lose interest in them because they may have to move slower.
Learning how to date someone with trust issues will help, but some people cannot muster up what it takes. That is okay too.
If you think you can’t handle someone’s baggage, you just need to realize that everyone has some. With that, trust issues are some of the worst, and not everyone has the capability to handle that.
If that is you, move on now before this person’s trust issues only get worse. [Read: Understanding pistanthrophobia and the fear of trusting others]
How to date someone with trust issues
If you want to be able to accept your partner’s trust issues and learn how to date them successfully, this is the section for you.
With some tips and some patience, your relationship with someone who has trust issues can be truly amazing.
1. Ask them about it
Do not be afraid to talk about the past. Your experiences are what made you both who you are. Sharing what happened with exes is not a red flag. If you know you’re dating someone with trust issues, ask them to tell you what happened.
Not only will this let you fully understand their mindset, but it can even make them feel better and bring you closer. Not telling what happened to cause their trust issues just pushes you further away. [Read: 30 deep questions to ask someone before you get in too far]
2. Understand their feelings are valid
Being someone who doesn’t have trust issues can be hard when your partner does. You want to feel for them, but it can feel like they are blaming you for what their ex did. It can also feel like they aren’t over their ex.
But you have to understand that they are over the person, just not the situation. Being hurt in a way that breaks your trust doesn’t just go away when your feelings for the person do. The pain lingers, and trust issues are a natural defense response.
Trust me, they want to trust you, but they need you to understand that what they feel is real and they need to feel safe.
3. Try to put yourself in their shoes
Try not to look at someone with trust issues as different than you or look at yourself as the person who has it all together. If you do this, you will blame them for not having a perfect relationship.
Instead, see where they are coming from. Imagine if what happened to them happened to you. Would you be able to separate that from a new relationship? Do you have no fear of getting hurt? [Read: How to help someone with trust issues open up and overcome their fears]
4. Don’t try to change their mind
Do not try to fix someone with trust issues. In order to learn how to date someone with trust issues, you have to accept them for who they are.
You can’t constantly be waiting for them to get over their issues. You can’t think of them as almost perfect because of trust issues. And you must love them for the person they are, baggage and all. Only then will they be able to trust you. If you can’t accept them as they are, they will never be able to trust you.
5. Know your actions speak louder than words
You can tell someone with trust issues that you love them and that you’ll never leave them, but words don’t count so much. Whoever broke their trust initially likely said something similar.
You may feel like you are reassuring them by saying they can trust you, but the best way to reassure them is by actually being trustworthy. [Read: 15 sweet gestures to show your love without words]
6. Do not keep any secrets
We’re not saying you have to give someone with trust issues access to your passwords and phone bill, but don’t keep secrets just because you think it will cause a fight.
Someone with trust issues is always on edge. If they find out you lied about something small just because you wanted to avoid a minor fight, that crack of their trust will cause it to shatter. Being honest can come with less than fun conversations, but it is better than them finding out you lied.
7. Make sure they feel comfortable opening up about concerns
This may be one of the most common struggles that dating someone with trust issues has. When someone questions your loyalty, you may become defensive.
But, if you know your partner has trust issues, remind yourself that their fears and doubts are not about you but about their past. If you make them feel valid and heard when they have a concern rather than feeling attacked, their concerns will lessen.
8. Ask them what they need from you
Everyone recovers from having their trust broken differently. Some people simply need time, some need reassurance or proof. Ask your partner what it is they need from you.
By asking them, you are letting them know you want this to work out and are more than willing to do what they need. [Read: The 15 rules to being a good partner in your relationship]
9. Be positive
It is easy to fall into a negative headspace when you are dating someone with trust issues. You may expect them to question you. But instead, act how you would in any other relationship.
Instead of expecting them to get nervous when you arrive late to a date, let them work it out. When they start to trust you without needing evidence, it will not be a big celebratory moment, it will just happen slowly over time. Expect them to learn how to trust you, not that they will struggle to trust you forever.
10. Don’t let them control you
When you are learning how to date someone with trust issues, you may go out of your way to prove they can trust you, but that is not healthy. Giving them access to your accounts and sharing your location may be overboard.
You have to maintain your independence in the relationship, trust issues or not. They need to come to terms with the fact that you have to live your life and deserve a level of privacy. If they require you to tell them where you are and who you’re with constantly, their trust issues will not improve. [Read: Where to draw the line when you’re putting too much effort into the relationship]
11. Let them know you trust them
By showing them that you trust them, they will mimic it. When you trust and believe in them, they will see that support and faith and return it.
12. Reach out to them and put in the effort
Simply showing them you care is an amazing way to date someone with trust issues. Reach out throughout the day to let them know you’re thinking of them. Be present. Remember what they tell you.
Being a decent partner is 75% of dating anyone, let alone someone with trust issues.
13. Be 100% genuine
Do not fake it until you make it. That might work when it comes to confidence, but it does not work in relationships. If you are not a trustworthy person that this person can rely on, do not pretend to be.
Be yourself. If you do, they will see it and react by doing the same, which in turn develops a sense of trust.
14. Go to couples counseling
If your partner’s trust issues are becoming a bigger problem than you know how to deal with, go to therapy. It sounds like a commitment, but so is a relationship.
If you are dedicated to making this relationship a healthy and happy one, talk to a couples therapist about what you can do to build trust. They can offer exercises and a safe space to discuss both of your grievances. [Read: The signs you need relationship counseling to save your love]
15. Be patient
With all of this, patience is vital. You can’t change someone’s past, nor can you make them trust you with a sentence or romantic gesture. Earning trust takes time. If you want to date someone with trust issues, you need to deal with that.
16. Be empathetic
If you don’t have trust issues yourself, it might be difficult for you to understand why your partner does. But once you hear their story and understand why they are the way they are, have empathy for them. Try to feel what they feel.
17. Be honest with your partner
Be honest and upfront with your partner about everything. Tell them where you’re going and what you’re doing. Be transparent and give them access to your phone or other things that people “hide” from others. This will make them feel more comfortable. [Read: How to communicate in a relationship – 16 steps to a better love]
18. Don’t enable unhealthy behavior
Since your partner has trust issues, they are probably clingy and needy. But don’t enable those unhealthy behaviors. Don’t create a codependent relationship where you are part of the problem. Instead, draw healthy boundaries with them.
19. Give constant reassurances
Because they live in a constant state of anxiety, they might need you to reassure them a lot. Tell them how much you love them or how they are the greatest thing that ever happened to you. Give them compliments to they feel good about themselves. [Read: Easy ways to deal with needy people in your life]
20. Don’t take it personally
When someone doesn’t trust us, we tend to take it personally. We might even constantly defend ourselves when we know we aren’t doing anything wrong. So, you need to realize that their trust issues do not come from you – they merely project them onto you. It’s not fair, but it happens.
21. Be patient
Building trust takes a really long time. And it can be destroyed in an instant. So, be patient with them. Realize that becoming a person with no trust issues takes years or even decades. But being patient with them will be worth it.
[Read: How to build trust in a relationship and make it last]
Learning how to date someone with trust issues may seem like a lot of hard work, but what relationship isn’t? So, just follow these tips, and it will all be worth it.