How to Tell if a Guy is Gay And How to Handle it if He’s Your Boyfriend

Have you ever wondered how to tell if a guy is gay? Is your gaydar working, or are you unsure? Here’s how to tell if your boyfriend is gay or bisexual. 

signs your boyfriend is gay

How many times in the past have you decided that you really liked a guy, only to find out he was gay? You might have been totally convinced he was straight at the start, but you missed some very important signs. You see, when you like someone, it’s easy to convince yourself of all sorts. Yet, learning how to tell if a guy is gay isn’t that easy.

It’s pretty embarrassing to pluck up the courage to ask a guy out, only for him to tell you that he’s gay. There’s really nothing you can say to it, other than “oh okay!” You’ll slope away, kicking yourself for not knowing. But, really, how could you?

It’s not like all guy men walk around with a sign over their heads to inform you of their sexual preference. Some signs are extremely subtle, or not visible at all! By understanding the signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual, you can cut out the confusion on your side and work out what to do. [Read: 20 Sexually enlightening movies all about sexuality]

Why you should never trust your gaydar

Put simply, the very notion of having a gaydar is nothing short of ridiculous. You might think you’re pretty good at figuring how to tell if a guy is gay and who isn’t, but as we’ve already mentioned, it’s not like every gay man goes out of their way to make it obvious. 

Gay men don’t walk any differently, they don’t sound any different, and most don’t act any differently either. Neither do bisexual guys. That’s why it’s hard to tell.

Many girls have embarrassed themselves asking out a guy, only for him to turn around and tell her that he’s sorry, but she doesn’t have the right appendage for him! The good news is that many girls manage to laugh this off and they end up becoming great friends. 

For that reason, throw out the very notion of having some all-knowing gaydar, and simply go with your guy. These signs should help you. [Read: Is my boyfriend gay?]

How to tell if a guy is gay

Contrary to popular belief, it’s not easy to pick a gay or bisexual guy from a group of men. Anyone could be gay, and you might never know it.

But instead of relying on how flashy they dress or how they stretch the words in a conversation, look for other cues. Then you’ll be able to see the obvious signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual, the signs many people overlook. [Read: How to tell if a guy is gay: 13 Subtle signs to hone your “gaydar”]

1. He isn’t interested in sex with you

Now this is not reason enough, but it’s only the start of many more signs. Sometimes, a man could be in a happy marriage for several years and enjoy a great sex life before he realizes that he’s gay and likes men.

Has your man lost his passion for sex even if you try new ways to keep sex exciting? This is one of the signs your boyfriend is gay – possibly.

Is he a wonderful and understanding partner who likes spending time with you, but avoids kissing passionately or breaks away from the kiss within a few seconds? If he’s not interested in other women, there’s a good chance that he likes another guy.

But, if you’re looking for signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual, this sign alone might not give you all the information you need. [Read: 15 Real reasons why your man doesn’t want to have sex]

2. You often catch him staring at men

This could be one way on how to tell if a guy is gay. You catch him staring at men when he thinks you’re not looking. This would be particularly more obvious on a beach when there are a lot of men in their bare minimum, or while clubbing.

It might be very subtle but if you see it on the regular, it could be one of the signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual.

3. He talks dirty – in a specific way

Many of us love talking dirty or thinking dirty in bed. But does your man have a few sexual fantasies that turn him on more than others? Does he like it when you talk about sexual scenarios where he’s sexually involved with other men?

Experimentation may sound tempting and exciting, but if a gay fantasy is the only thing that turns him on a lot, you may have to ask him to tell you about his fascination for other men. As such, this is one of the signs your boyfriend is gay – possibly. [Read: How to talk dirty and turn your lover on like no-one else can]

4. He flirts with men

Girls may sweet talk each other. Guys don’t. They never ever do.  Guys don’t compliment other guys. In fact, they don’t even try to be nice to each other. They use straight words and say what they mean, even if it comes out wrong.

Only a man who’s sexually interested with another man would try to flirt with another man. So, if your guy is regularly flirting, that could be one of the signs your boyfriend is gay.

5. He likes butt play

Now, not all guys who like a little butt play are gay. But, a guy who gets excited by homosexuality would definitely like something in the ass when he’s having sex. Does your man enjoy getting penetrated by your dildo more than he likes penetrating you? [Read: 10 Surprising benefits of anal sex you had no idea about]

Guys love penetrating. If a guy enjoys getting penetrated more than penetrating, you might want to start questioning why. Could it be one of the signs your boyfriend is gay?

6. Many of his friends live in the closet

Not literally, of course. But, if a man has a lot of friends who are closet gays, there’s a good chance that he too may be one. We’ve all heard that line, birds of the same feather flock together, and that adage has almost always held true. How to tell if a guy is gay? This is one sign.

7. He enjoys the attention of other men more than women

Does your man enjoy watching other semi-clad men when he gets the chance? Or do you catch him “accidentally” flashing a guy, be it on a vacation or somewhere else? Straight guys may like attention, but only if from the opposite sex. If he likes the attention of other men far more than women, that’s a clear sign that he may be gay or bisexual [Read: Flashing confessions of guys and girls]

8. He enjoys gay porn

Whether they admit it or not, some straight guys watch gay porn now and then too. Curiosity is watching one or two gay action movies now and then. If your guy enjoys gay porn and he watches it pretty regularly, that’s a sign to be very aware of.

In fact, it’s probably one of the strongest signs your boyfriend is gay and probably doesn’t want to admit it to himself. [Read: How to know if you are gay: All the signs you can’t ignore]

9. He gifts his male friends a lot

He buys expensive gifts for a few of his guy friends. You may assume it’s because of the bond they share, but if he’s constantly buying little luxuries for a good looking cute male friend, chances are, your man is hitting on him. After all, homosexual men have to woo their lovers too.

If this is the case, it could be a sign your boyfriend is gay and isn’t being honest with you – or maybe himself.

10. There are a lot of secret conversations going on

Have you ever felt like you just missed something when your man’s hanging out with another man around you?

Do you find your man indulging in suspicious non-verbal communication with his male friends, perhaps a lingering gaze, a touch that lasts way longer than necessary, or a man to man hug that just feels weird? If so, maybe there is more going on than you realize and that could be how to tell if a guy is gay. [Read: What is flirting? The science behind this common act]

11. He doesn’t talk about other gay men

Now there are two kind of gay men. Some men go to great lengths to talk about how normal it is to be gay. And other men get snappy and rude when you talk about homosexuality. It’s a reflex action thing. Intense emotions always bring out intense expressions.

This could be one of the signs your boyfriend is gay – don’t always assume he will compliment men, maybe he’s struggling with his sexuality and doesn’t want to admit how he feels.

12. He crashes at a friend’s place often

It’s easier for a man to have an affair with another man than to have an affair with a woman. Nobody ever thinks it’s weird for two men to sleep in the same room. But does your man spend a lot of time with a particular friend? [Read: Real signs your man is cheating on you]

If your man likes hanging out with a friend several weekends in a year, and you can’t recollect this friend ever dating any girl, it’s definitely time to become suspicious.

This doesn’t mean you should be suspicious if your boyfriend crashes at his friends house once in a while, but if it’s regular, it could be one of the signs your boyfriend is gay. [Read: What is cheating in a relationship? The truth most people ignore]

13. He’s very touchy feely with another man

How to tell if a guy is gay potentially? He’s very touchy feely with guys. This is especially obvious when he’s drunk.

When a heterosexual guy’s drunk, he may use this excuse to snuggle up with girls he has a crush on, not with guys. But if a guy’s hiding his sexual orientation, his will to be subtle about his affection for another man who’s present may not be strong enough. He may end up saying or doing something that gives his secret away.

14. You walk in on something you’re not sure about

When you just step into your place and walk in on your man and his friend, do they behave in a weird way like they’re trying to cover something up? They may be planning your secret birthday party. But if you constantly catch them in an awkward moment, it’s time to question whether you’re witnessing one of the signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual. [Read: Why do men cheat? The 3 biggest reasons & 27 convincing excuses]

15. You just feel it

How to tell if a guy is gay? You just know.

Listen, if you’re already on here trying to figure out if the guy you like is gay, then you already have a feeling. Listen to your gut. It may not be always right, but it often is.

So, if you’re unsure and already analyzing what he does, take your own advice and don’t lose sleep over it because you’ve already figured it out. On to the next guy! [Read: Dating feminine men – Is it a boom or bust?]

16. How he talks about women

If he’s talking about women, it still doesn’t mean he’s straight. You should look at the way he talks about women. Usually, heterosexual men are more sexual with their commentary about women.

They’ll talk about her body, her face, etc. But if your man talks about how nice her coat and boots look together, we would raise an eyebrow on that.

When looking for signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual, paying attention to how he speaks about others is a good starting point. [Read: Threesome sex or three times the trouble?]

17. He’s secretive about his friends

Haven’t met many of his guy friends? Maybe that’s because if you met them, you’d be suspicious. If he doesn’t bring his friends around or if you’ve never met any of his friends, we would question why. In that case, how to tell if a guy is gay often comes down to what he hides from you.

Of course, this becomes even harder when you’re looking for signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual because it’s not only men he is interested in.

18. He wants to bring another guy into the bedroom

Out of all the signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual, this is a strong one. Most guys want to have a threesome, it’s basically every man’s dream. Now, usually, they want one with two women, but it’s not unusual to have a threesome with two men.

However, if he’s always nudging you for a threesome with two men, that’s odd. Try bringing up a threesome with two women and see how he reacts. Not so turned on? Yeah, that’s because he’s not into women at all, or not only into women. [Read: The devil’s three-way: 10 ways to master the devil’s threesome]

19. His Internet history is foggy

Have you ended up on his internet history? Is it always cleared? That’s unusual, wouldn’t you say? Because as far as we know, people only clear their web browsing history when they don’t want people to see what they’ve been looking at.

So, if there are some weird sites he’s been on or if his history is completely blank, well, then we would be curious about that. However, if this is the only sign you’re noticing, it’s nothing to be concerned about; most guys watch porn online and hide their Internet history!

20. He has questionable sex toys

Listen, if you’re with him and you use sex toys together then that’s not a big deal. However, when you first met him, did he have any toys that were more for gay sex? Like dildos? This one can be tricky because man toys are not necessarily used strictly for straight or gay sex.

Women are usually the ones who bring their own dildos, so it’s odd if he has one already. Yeah, if he has his own dildo, we would question that. It could be one of the signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual. [Read: 15 common types of sex toys all singles and couples must know about]

21. Sexuality matters to him, big time

For people secure with their sexuality, it doesn’t matter who’s gay, bisexual, or straight. But if your boyfriend asks a lot of questions about other people’s sexuality, that’s a sign.

If he asks occasionally, not a big deal. But if it’s a frequent topic when you two are out with other people, it’s weird and could be one of the signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual.

22. He has a secretive social media life

You really don’t know what he’s doing online. Maybe you found out he has an account on a gay dating site. Well, that’s a pretty good sign he’s gay. Maybe he has a lot of different men on his social media, many of them mutual friends.

No one has copious amounts of men on their social media or joins a gay dating site just out of harmless curiosity. Again, you may be looking at one of the signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual at the very least. [Read: Social media and relationships – The good, the bad, and the ugly]

23. He had a past sexual experience with a man

So, you found out in his past he had a sexual encounter with another guy, of course, you think he’s gay. But, there are other forms of sexuality on the spectrum. He could be bisexual or maybe it was a one-off thing out of curiosity.

Whatever it was, only he knows, but it could be a sign you need to bear in mind if you can spot other signs to go along with it. [Read: 12 things you should never say when dating a bisexual]

24. He tells you

This is really the only way you know for sure where he stands with his sexuality. No matter how many of these signs you see, you never really know until he says it. Basically, how to tell if a guy is gay is only ever confirmed if it comes out of his mouth.

Even if you’re suspicious, here are some signs your guy may not be gay

Sometimes we allow our suspicions to rule our mind. Now, you’ve just read a whole list of signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual and that might have got your imagination flowing. But, it’s time to keep things in perspective.

Just because your boyfriend shows one or two of the signs above occasionally doesn’t mean you have anything to worry about necessarily. Yes, your suspicions may be well placed but perhaps they’re not. Maybe you’re overanalyzing. [Read: Men and the fear of homosexuality]

Here are a few common misconceptions that people often have about gay men. If you notice these, it doesn’t mean that your guy is gay or even bisexual.

1. He wears tight clothes and bold patterns

He’s probably just confident about his appearance.

2. He grooms himself

Just because a guy’s aware of cosmetics and tweezers doesn’t mean he’s gay.

3. He loves girlie things

He may just be fascinated by women. Or, maybe he was raised by several women and the influence has stuck. [Read: Feminine guys: 40 Signs of a man in touch with his softer side]

4. He doesn’t like sports

There are many guys who don’t give a damn about sports. It’s not necessarily one of the signs your boyfriend is gay or bisexual.

5. He’s a neat freak

Being a perfectionist or one who likes everything in order doesn’t make him a homosexual man. He may just be more refined and neater than the average guy.

What to do when you find out the man in your life is gay or bisexual

This may come as a surprise, especially if he seemed very physically attracted to you before. However, some guys don’t discover that they’re gay until after they’ve had a relationship with one or more females, or after a sexual experience with another male. Maybe he’s bisexual and is attracted to both men and women.

This realization probably didn’t happen for him overnight, either. It’s more likely that he figured this out at least several weeks before, but was struggling to find a way to tell you that wouldn’t break your heart. [Read: Broken heart syndrome – Can a heart actually break or is it drama?]

On the other hand, in a few cases, some guys may know they’re gay all along, but think that they can “turn themselves straight” by going out with a beautiful girl. Or, they’re very good at pretending to be into girls in order to fit into society, but eventually get tired of doing it.

Whatever the reason that you’re hearing this for the first time may be, there are a few things that you must not do after he makes his confession, no matter how upset you are, and there are some things that you should do, too.

1. Be supportive

Recognize that telling you he’s gay or bisexual has been difficult for your boyfriend, and fight any urges to fly into a rage. You may feel like you’ve wasted tons of time in a useless relationship, but nothing’s useless if you’re able to learn something from it. [Read: 17 signs of a supportive partner who encourages you and your goals]

Although you won’t appreciate this situation now, it’s the kind of experience that will help you grow as a person.

Plus, even though you certainly wouldn’t consider this one of them, you’ve likely had a lot of good times together as a couple, along with the usual bit of bad.

Under no circumstances should you try to make your boyfriend feel guilty for any time wasted, as he’s as much a victim here as you are. After all, he either didn’t realize that he wasn’t attracted to/not only women, or felt, for some reason, that it was necessary to force himself to be.

Being gay is something that he can’t change, regardless of whether you approve. [Read: How to be more empathetic and 16 steps to make anyone feel understood]

2. Don’t blame yourself

While you mustn’t lash out and blame him for putting you in this situation, you shouldn’t blame yourself, either. No matter how much weight you lost, how many birthday surprises you dreamed up, or how many romantic dinners you cooked for him, he’d still be gay or bisexual.

His sexual orientation is all about him, and has nothing to do with what you did or didn’t do.

If you’re straight, it wouldn’t matter how much another woman tried to woo you – you still wouldn’t be interested, right? You must accept that the same goes for him in relation to you. Stop focusing on what you could have done differently to “save” the relationship. [Read: How to stop feeling guilty and finally start living for you]

3. Talk to friends and family

A breakup is always a difficult thing to go through, especially if it happens in this way, but the support of your friends and family will help you a great deal as you heal. If you and your former lover happen to share a lot of the same friends, and he doesn’t want them to know that he’s gay yet, confide in friends who don’t know him. As for mutual friends, be vague for a little while.

He can’t expect you to keep this a secret forever, though. Once you’ve given him a few weeks to adjust to his new status, feel free to provide those you’re both close to with more detail on the split. If he starts going out with other men, people he knows are going to find out about his true preferences anyway.

4. Don’t offer to set him up with men

Due to not knowing what else to say, or wanting to keep yourself in this guy’s good graces, you may be tempted to try to set him up with other men. However, setting up a soon-to-be ex, no matter what gender they’re now into, is not the same as setting up a female pal. [Read: 33 steps to stop thinking about someone you like but can’t have]

Any matchmaking you attempt to do will just end up being awkward and embarrassing for the two of you. Moreover, if you realize that you’re not ready to see him date a guy after introductions have been made, you may feel tempted to sabotage a budding relationship, which wouldn’t be fair to him.

5. Don’t try to change his mind

During the state of shock you’ll initially feel after he spills his secret, you may think that he’s just going through a temporary phase, and that you can “convince” him *in other words, beg and plead with him* to tell you it was all a joke.

Unfortunately, chances of that working out are low. If he went through the trouble of confessing this information to you, he’s likely certain that it’s true. Whatever you do, don’t agree to or offer to keep up a charade of a relationship for social reasons.

Your happiness is worth more than that, and you will never find your real soulmate if you keep on pretending that it’s him. [Read: Justifying your life choices – Should you worry about it?]

6. Don’t cut him out of your life completely

If you’re angry or sad, or just feel plain uncomfortable around your now ex-boyfriend, take some time away from him to process your feelings, but don’t cut the lines of communication forever.

Even though he’s discovered that he’d prefer not to be intimate with women, or not only women, you two must have been compatible in some ways if you were able to stay together for so long.

Therefore, you should try to maintain at least a casual connection. If he’s not responding to your occasional friendly calls or messages, and doesn’t seem to care about preserving ties, keep trying every so often – he’s likely embarrassed about what went down, and may come around. [Read: Should I block my ex? 17 signs to help you decide what’s best for you]

It’s better to know than to continue wasting your time

While your significant other admitting that he’s gay or bisexual may seem like the end of the world, it really isn’t. You may feel quite dumbfounded for a while, as if your whole world has gone topsy-turvy, and if you see him with a guy romantically, it’s likely going to hurt a bit. Don’t worry though, these feelings will pass.

In a few months, as with all breakups, you’ll get over the sting and will be able to look back fondly at the good times, as opposed to dwelling on the bitter end. Eventually, you’ll be thankful that he let you go, since you can now find someone who will adore every last bit of you.

[Read: A guide on effective communication in a relationship]

If you’ve been wondering about how to tell if a guy is gay, use these signs and see if you can strike off more than a handful. If so, there’s a good chance he’s either gay or bisexual.

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Ethan-Kent
Ethan Kent
Ethan Kent lives a semi-nomadic life traveling the world. And in between his pursuits of the elusive ah-ha moments, he loves exploring the minds of men and wome...
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