When you have a selfish boyfriend, you start feeling like you’re a slave to their needs. Everything you do is to make them happy and to cater to their needs. What about your needs?
Just because they’re selfish doesn’t mean you need to break up with them or start an argument. Instead of blowing up, there are a couple of different ways to handle your selfish boyfriend and bring them back to planet earth. [Read: How to spot selfish people and keep them from hurting you]
No one really likes selfish people – especially when they are their partners and lovers. But people like this actually feel quite inadequate. This feeling can run so deep that might become ashamed of themselves.
So, in an attempt to cover up the shame inside, they become sort of numb inside. This causes the unselfish partner to want to keep on giving to the selfish one. They think this will help “wake up” the selfish partner and they will change. And they might temporarily, but it doesn’t last.
When a selfish person gives to someone else in an unselfish way, then they feel out of control or threatened. The reason they feel this way is because they fear that the cause of their shame will be discovered.
Because they are afraid of this, they hold on to their love tightly so they don’t feel like they are spiraling out of control. [Read: Selfless love – 18 traits that sets it apart from selfish love]
Finally, selfish people feel like love is conditional and limited. They think that if they give up some love, then they start to feel disconnected from their partner. Sure, this sounds counterintuitive. But selfish people aren’t even connected to themselves, so it’s hard for them to give to other people since they can’t even give to themselves.
If you are wondering whether or not your boyfriend is really selfish, here are the signs to look for.
When you try to tell him what you need and want in the relationship, he dismisses it and doesn’t pay attention. He might even pretend to care, but then nothing changes.
A lot of guys just have the mentality of “wham bam, thank you, ma’am.” In other words, sex is just a vehicle for them to feel good and orgasm. And that’s what a selfish boyfriend does. He doesn’t care about your sexual pleasure. [Read: Head pusher – why some selfish guys do this and how to handle them]
He will be bossy and tell you what you can and can’t do. He might prevent you from hanging out with his friends or tell you to cook him a meal to his liking.
A selfish boyfriend will criticize you too. He might call you fat or lazy. And he might even call you names. If he never compliments you and only has bad things to say, then it’s likely that he doesn’t care about you.
There are many forms of abuse. Most people think it’s only physical, but it’s not. There is emotional, mental, and verbal abuse too. So, if he’s not treating you right and abusing you, then your boyfriend is definitely selfish. [Read: Am I in an abusive relationship? 17 sure signs!]
Another form of selfishness is being emotionally withdrawn. Maybe he never says he loves you and appreciates you and he never holds your hand or cuddles with you. He cannot connect to you emotionally – or deliberately decides not to.
When you try to talk to him and have a conversation, he probably hardly even responds. He might be watching TV or just simply not answering you when you talk. You feel ignored and not heard by him.
He might play video games 24/7 or goes out with his friends all of the time. You might beg him to go to your cousin’s wedding, but he chooses not to. If he is only doing what he wants and not what you want, then he is selfish. [Read: Selfish people – 20 ways to spot and stop them from hurting you]
Relationships are all about compromise. Maybe you are tired of cooking and cleaning all the time and ask him to do his share. He won’t do it. He refuses to compromise on anything.
If your boyfriend is the last person you would call if your car broke down, then you have a problem. He is unreliable and unpredictable because he doesn’t care about your needs, he only cares about his own.
Sadly, a lot of selfish boyfriends are unaware of their behaviors. That might sound ridiculous, but it’s true. He either doesn’t know how negatively you are affected by his selfishness, or he just doesn’t care if he does know. [Read: Selfishness in relationships – 15 tips to do the right thing]
Love isn’t always wine and roses. Sometimes it’s messy and you have a lot of ups and downs. But you should have a lot more ups than downs.
Love is also about compromise and sometimes even putting another person’s needs before your own. True love isn’t one-sided, it’s a two-way street. But if it’s not, then that’s why love hurts sometimes – because someone is selfish.
Some people may argue with this, but generally speaking, it’s difficult for a selfish person to feel true love. That’s because love is more about giving than taking. Sure, they can love to a certain degree. But they aren’t as capable of deep love as someone who is more selfless. [Read: Why narcissists ignore you, your texts, and do the selfish things they do]
For love to be successful, both people have to love themselves first. Then, they can give their love away to their partners. It because natural and reciprocal. So, when there is a lack of self-love and selfishness, love isn’t as strong as it could be.
We all look for love when we get into a relationship. We all want that one person that’s going to be with us through thick and thin—not to mention to cuddle with at night. But love isn’t enough. Yes, that’s a depressing thing to hear but it’s true. Love simply isn’t enough, it’s a good base though.
A relationship, of course, involves connection but it also consists of compromising—a lot of it. When a lot of girls get into a relationship, they think it is about them being worshiped by their boyfriends and having him do everything for them, etc. [Read: Why millennials suck – how the selfish “me” generation was created]
But it’s not that. See, that would be the image of a selfish girlfriend. Okay, everyone has sometimes when they are selfish…it’s normal. But if you have a selfish boyfriend, well, that’s not helping the relationship out. It can be done, trust us!
Yes, he’s selfish but here’s the thing, you’re allowing the behavior. You knew they were selfish pretty early on into the relationship, you had to have seen the signs. And you probably thought that it wasn’t a big deal or that you just want to make them happy, so you let it slide.
But now you’re here and tired of their behavior. See, you didn’t create a boundary nor did you express your feelings. [Read: How to set boundaries and have more control over your life]
Okay, so they’re selfish, but you’re feeding it. It’s time that you spent some much-needed attention on yourself. You need to break the vicious cycle you’re in. So, instead of putting his needs first, put yourself first. Spend time doing things that you like, making time for yourself and only yourself. Their needs shouldn’t be a priority over yours. [Read: How to not be run over in your relationship]
You thought that this was just going to go away? Not likely unless you change. It’s time for you to start speaking up, expressing how his behavior makes you feel.
No need to yell or cry, you don’t want to argue about this, you want to improve the situation. Sit down together and talk about what’s going on. Talk about your feelings and make sure to use “I” statements.
You telling him to shape up or leave isn’t going to do anything. You cannot give an ultimatum to someone who doesn’t understand what’s going on. Firstly, express the things they do which are selfish in nature. Then, emphasize the positive things that will come if he changes, showing how the relationship will become better. [Read: Ultimatums in a relationship and how to use them right]
Outside of your relationship, he could be very giving and selfless which is why you’re so confused as to why he’s like this. But he’s had a life before you and one that probably had some previous trauma in it. This doesn’t mean he gets a free pass, this simply means you’ll be able to identify the cause and then use that as a way to change their behavior.
When we’re with a selfish partner, we have a tendency to forget ourselves and our own values. You know you don’t deserve to be treated this way, but it’s shoved way inside of you. So, it’s time to reconnect with your own values.
You need to see that you don’t need to be with a selfish person in an intimate relationship and that you’re better than this. Bring the power back into your hands. [Read: 34 Life-changing steps to fall in love with yourself all over again]
Listen, he may not be able to completely get rid of his selfish behavior, especially if their behavior is unintentional, it will take him time to become aware. So, become aware of what behavior you can tolerate and what you cannot.
There are some things that you should compromise with, so figure out what they are. Naturally, there are some things that aren’t a deal-breaker, whereas other things are simply too hurtful.
If you’re hitting the peak of his selfish behavior then take a time-out. Yup, you read right. Just take a break from there. This doesn’t mean you need to call it a break or break-up with them, this just means you’re talking a couple of days for yourself.
During this time, think about yourself and what you need in a partner and your future. Though, do make sure they understand what you’re doing and why, or else it could upset them. [Read: What to do when you’re feeling unsure about your relationship]
You’ve had some time to think about your needs, so, what are they? This means you need to know the components of a relationship that matter to you. So, when you need something from your partner, for example, you’ve had a bad day and you need them to listen to you, make sure you’re very clear.
You don’t have to be rude, simply ask them if they’re able to listen to you. They’ll most likely be able to focus and dedicate that time to you.
Selfishness isn’t easy to recognize in yourself nor is it easy to change. So, even though he says he wants to change, you’re going to have to constantly remind him of his behavior. Think of it like training a puppy or kitty.
This takes numerous and numerous times of showing them where to pee until they finally start to get it. Sorry for the animal comparison *not sorry*.
At the end of the day, if you want to see your selfish boyfriend become someone more considerate, this means he has to want to change. If you’re pushing him to do it and he’s restraining or half-assing it, it’ll never change. This is when you break up with him. Maybe then he’ll wake up. [Read: 22 early warning signs of a bad boyfriend]
Selfishness isn’t something that someone is going to get over in a day. Of course, if they want to change, they’ll work on it and try to reduce their selfish tendencies, however, don’t expect their behavior to completely flip 180.
If anything, they’ll still be selfish. So, now you have a new question to ask yourself, do you want this person as a partner?
[Read: These unassuming signs point to the fact that you are dating a jerk]
So, you know how to handle a selfish boyfriend now, right? But just because you know what to do doesn’t mean that’s enough. It’s time you put words into action!
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