15 Subtle Signs of a Controlling Boyfriend Most Girls Don’t Notice

15 Subtle Signs of a Controlling Boyfriend

You may think your boyfriend loves you a lot. But is it love or is it his way of controlling you? Check these subtle signs of a controlling boyfriend.

Does your boyfriend care about you?

Is he protective of you and helpful with decisions all the time?

Is he deeply in love with you?

Does he help you live a better life?

Or is he just controlling you?

There’s a thin line between a loving boyfriend and a controlling boyfriend.

And almost always, you’ll never really know the difference.

Signs of a controlling boyfriend

Now all of us try to control our partners subtly, especially when we feel like they’re drifting or moving in a different direction.

But unknowingly, this subtle urge to help our partner lead a better life could turn into a dangerous obsession for all the wrong reasons.

You may think your boyfriend loves you, but when you really think about it, you may realize that you’re being controlled by an unintentional deceptive schemer.

Types of controlling boyfriends

There are two types of controlling boyfriends.

There’s the violent physically abusive boyfriend, and then there’s the caring, sensitive boyfriend who controls you emotionally.

It’s easy to pinpoint a physically abusive controlling boyfriend. If he’s ever raised his hand on you for the smallest of reasons or uses force to tell you what to do, it’s obvious he belongs to this type. He may love you a lot, but his urge to dominate your life could end up hurting you forever. [Read: 17 big signs of a jealous and possessive boyfriend]

On the other hand, there’s the emotionally controlling boyfriend who never dominates over you, but still finds a way to cut out your legs from under you.

You may never know you’re dating an emotionally controlling boyfriend until it’s too late. But use these tips here to find out the hidden signs of a controlling boyfriend.

Signs of an emotionally controlling boyfriend

An emotionally controlling boyfriend is a scary guy. He falls deeply in love with you and treats you like a princess all the time. And all along, he makes himself seem helpless and weak without you. Eventually, you’ll find yourself feeling more protective about him, and will start to fall more in love with him.

And somewhere along the way, you’ll begin to see a few of these signs of a controlling boyfriend. If you do notice these signs and it bothers you, put a stop to his behavior. And walk out of the relationship if he doesn’t change. [Read: 16 signs it’s clearly time to end the relationship and move on!]

You have to remember that emotionally controlling boyfriends aren’t bad guys. They’re just insecure and possessive. And they just forget where to draw the line when it comes to trying to control you.

And at the end of the day, it’s in your own hands to fall for his ploy or change him for the better.

The 15 secret signs that matter

Watch out for these 15 subtle signs, and if you do find your boyfriend’s behavior bordering on any of these signs, tell him about it and ask him to change.

#1 He puts you down

He puts you down when you do something by yourself and makes it look like you can’t do anything without his help. He picks flaws in anything you do, and helps you do a better job. He disrespects you and anything you do, and makes it seem like you need him to become a better person. This will eventually make you lose your own confidence, and wait for his reassurance and help each time you try something new.

#2 He doesn’t like it when you go out with your friends

Does he say your friends are a bad influence or does he think one of your guy friends are hitting on you? He starts to choose your friends and tells you whom to hang out with. Eventually you’d find yourself losing touch with most of your friends. [Read: Are guy best friends trouble?]

#3 He’s insecure and doubts you

He plays mind games and tries to trap you with tricky, unnecessary questions. He tries confusing you into giving him contradictory answers which makes you feel like you are the bad person in the relationship.

#4 He wants to know everything about you

He hates secrets. He tells you all his passwords and secrets, and expects you to do the same, be it your email, twitter or facebook account. He wants to know every single detail of your daily life, and when he finds out that you haven’t told him a few things, he acts pained and hurt.

#5 He stalks you

He wants you to keep in touch with him very often, and he wants to be informed about everything you’re doing even if you’re just stepping out of office for a coffee break with your friends.

#6 He doesn’t like it when you have fun without him

This is rather simple and easy to see. If you go out with your own friends for a night out, he sulks or acts grumpy for a while and makes up another excuse about why he’s pissed off. Sometimes, he may even blame you for his mood and use an excuse like “you didn’t call me enough” or “you ignored me”.

#7 He cripples you

He looks for any excuse to prove a point. If something offends or bothers him, he’ll wait for a perfect excuse to bring that conversation up and prove his point. If your friend gets into a car crash, he may gloat about it and make it a point to tell you why he doesn’t like you travelling with that guy. He loves saying “I told you so” and makes you feel lost without his guidance in life.

#8 He’s jealous

This can seem cute at first, but over time, his jealousy could turn into an obsession that borders on insanity. [Read: How to make him not-so-jealous?]

#9 You can’t do anything important without him

When you achieve something without his help, he treats it like it’s no big deal. He behaves like your promotions and personal achievements are not big milestones in your life. On the other hand, he’ll consider you leaving your friends for him a bigger achievement that can help the relationship.

#10 He’s never at fault

But you always are. Even if he meets with an accident on the way to work, he blames it on someone else or the big fight both of you had that morning. But if you make a mistake, he’ll make sure he constantly reminds you about the incident over and over again.

#11 He has different principles for you and him

He doesn’t like it when you hang out with a few of your friends. But when he meets his own friends, even the ones you dislike, he makes it seem like you’re the one misunderstanding his friends. He creates his own rules for himself, and imposes different rules on you. [Read: 22 big early warning signs of a bad boyfriend]

#12 He takes decisions in your life

He may seem like a chivalrous knight who’s always there to help you make up your mind, but very soon you’d see that he’d actually be the one manipulating you and making all the decisions for you. And even if you do make a decision yourself, he picks flaws in it and shows you how wrong you are even if you know you’re right.

#13 He breaks down when you take a stand

This is a sick trait of an emotionally controlling boyfriend, but it’s one that’ll always show up when you take a stand. Whenever you take a stand or refuse to listen to him, he may argue with you. But when he can’t get it his way, he may break down and cry about how you don’t understand him anymore. What happens eventually is that you’d end up giving in for his happiness. [Read: 21 signs of emotional abuse you may be overlooking]

#14 You lose your freedom

You find yourself asking for his permission to do anything. You assume he’s the best thing that’s happened in your life. All of a sudden, you’re convinced that he’s your personal god and the one who’s always right.

#15 You no longer know what you want

Your whole life revolves around him. He makes you believe that he’s the one who can make you happy and no one else. And surprisingly, you’d start believing it too. His happiness becomes yours, his wants are your wants, and his likes become your likes. Your whole world will start to revolve around him, and nothing else.

Every lover has a controlling streak within them, but there’s the thin red line that makes all the difference. [Read: 18 signs to know if your man’s overprotective and dominating]

A relationship shouldn’t change who you are, especially when you’re already a happy person. You should be the only one who can change who you are.

[Read: 25 traits and qualities that make a really good boyfriend]

You can change your controlling boyfriend if you want to. Just watch out for these 15 subtle signs of a controlling boyfriend and put an end to it as soon as it crops up. If you don’t, you may end up losing yourself instead!

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Jessica Dawson
Jessica Dawson
Jessica Dawson is guilty of using way more emojis than are necessary, and is a lover of all things British. And when she isn’t working on mastering a fake Bri...
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210 thoughts on “15 Subtle Signs of a Controlling Boyfriend Most Girls Don’t Notice”

  1. Katelyn says:

    i think my boyfriend is controlling. I don’t know what to do.

  2. M.S.C.G. says:

    I never realized completely how controlling my boyfriend actually is till I read this. Every single sign from 1-15 had me completely boggled. Every single one was true for me. I love him to death, he’s the one im going to marry, but..how do i gain the strength to stop this? To endure this for a lifetime? I feel so pressured and constricted its making me insane. I always tell myself oh at least he’s not cheating on me..but it’s time i need to face the fact that his controlling is a serious problem. I just can’t do it alone. What do i do?

  3. Becky says:

    I just broke up with my controlling boyfriend. I didn’t read this until after and it has solidified my decision in doing so. I broke up with him before and the crying and begging brought me back. My ex was every single one of these things. I finally realized i needed to do it when i was at work the other night. I had been thinking of breaking up with him and all the stress that i had would be gone, but then thought no it was just me. Well i work at a tanning salon and while i was talking to one of my regulars we started talking about our relationships i was listening to myself and it just hit me that i was in a controlling relationship. I broke up with him and i now see all the manipulation. I couldn’t have done it without the support of my mom and bestfriend. To all you ladies out there that think you don’t have anyone without your boyfriend it IS NOT TRUE. Start looking at the little things now that you know the signs focus on them. If you aren’t happy, get out, because i know there has to be someone else that is not controling. It will be tough and if he is controlling he will do everything to get you back and say everything that he knows will hurt you. Do NOT listen…walk away figure yourself out…you deserve it.

  4. jenna says:

    well what if he is the only thing that makes you smile or be happy

  5. Jane Milano says:

    @jenna – you clearly have problems you need to resolve with yourself if a manipulative and/or controlling man “…makes you smile or [feel] happy.”

  6. Monica says:

    my bf has every single one of these signs. i need help to get out

  7. Deejay says:

    I want to break up with my controlling boyfriend. He always picks out my flaws even when I do nothing wrong, and then makes them into huge arguments. In every argument we have, I’m in the wrong. Even if he is wrong, he twists it so it’s my fault.

    Then we make up and acts like it never happened. He says I’m beautiful and perfect and his princess. And because I need him, I let him stay, and let the cycle continue.

    He constantly reminds me how much money he’s spent on me, and make me feel awful if I deny him anything, especially something sexual.

    I have chronic nightmares and last time I have a fit in bed, while I was staying at his place, instead of cuddling me or anything, he held my nose shut. When I woke up, he just rolled over. I felt awful and went back to sleep crying and shaking, and he didn’t move.

    He has over 140 images and videos of me naked, and I’m terrified that he’ll post them online. As a 16 year old girl, that could cost me future employment.


  8. The guy I intend to go out with is so secretive to the extent that he never mentions or tells me about his life except his likes and dislikes. He does not even call me on my phone no matter the number of days I wait.

    Though it’s barely 2 weeks since we started, he wants me to be submissive to him in terms of sex and romance. I’m confused! Do you think he loves me? I want to know whats going on in his mind, I am scared.

  9. Alexis says:

    I feel that I am in a controlling relationship… I also feel like I have done things to not make my boyfriend trust me. He also has not been the best to me in the trust department. The 15 things come very close to my relationship. I can’t say how many times I have heard u will never find someone better then me. Or he brings up the past between us and my past. I feel emotionally drained. It’s so hard bc when we are good we Are so happy and good but when we aren’t i feel like my world is falling apart. I need some help

  10. tina says:

    Although the father of my child has never put his hands on me, he still fits the description of an insecure controlling man. I was tired of it and so many times I had taken him back. Everything I did was always ‘not good enough’. I was there for him through everything and then the ONE time I was feeling low and needed someone to talk to, he starts an argument for NO reason!

    I told him I’m done because I’m not gonna continue to be with someone like that.

  11. Florence says:

    He causes drama and blames me for responding… This is the second time he has asked me to refrain from talking to him about a certain topic… he can behave poorly, get drunk, act outrageous and I have to be the supportive girl… and then he wants to control words… it’s scary…

  12. Katie says:

    Every single one of these is true for my relationship. For the past few weeks my boyfriend has been belittling every dream that I have. I just got offered a great job and he spent an hour telling me how it’s just going to be a flop, then at the end of the conversation he said “I can’t wait to say I told you so!” … I have a dream car picked out and all he can do is tell me how silly I am for wanting this car… These types of arguments keep coming up on a daily basis.

    His mom is very controlling and I am starting to realize that he is turning into her. I don’t know what to do because we have been best friends for 10 years, dated for only 1 year, and it’s already going under. We have always gotten along great until now… Help!

  13. sadie says:

    Iv been with my boyfriend for 8 month now. I thought he was a bit controlling at first but wasn’t sure if it was just me, but when I read this I realise he is all of them signs! He doesn’t want me seeing my friends, a few have even falling out with me over him. I don’t really know what to do, I really do love him I just wish he would give me some space he just wants to be with me all the time, he doesn’t want me away from him. Any time friends ask me to go somewhere or meet up with them, he will row with me for the whole night over it. My friends don’t even like me any more. He really is a good guy just needs to cop on and see that i need my own space but I just don’t know what way to go about it ! its making me really upset all the time! 🙁 Help!!

  14. S says:

    I have been free of him for 7 years now. To all of you: do NOT think just DO! I broke up with him after a year of his lies, laziness- only wanted to play video games didn’t want to go to college to do anything with his life, and controlling games. It was like I was his little puppet doll and he was the puppet master pulling the strings. He wanted to see me constantly-every single day. I needed room to breathe. I knew that if I stayed with him I would’ve never been happy. I probably never would have even went to college mustless have a Bachelor’s degree and teaching certificate. You need to get out NOW!

  15. Anonymous says:

    If you are in a relationship like this, and you want to have kids (or may want to), then GET OUT NOW. For their sake if not yours (although that is another awesome reason, but I wanted to throw this perspective out there).

    This article describes my father. He moved my mum and I to an isolated place after I was born, and while he continued to live his life however he pleased, but neither my mum nor I were afforded the same “privilege” (I’m now 31 and have only just started coming to terms with the fact this isn’t normal). If he wanted to go out, he went out. If my mum wanted to go out, she was having an affair with her friend’s husband. She stopped going out. If he wanted to change career, he did it no matter what. If my mum wanted a job, she was selfish. She only started part-time work when I was about to leave “home”. If he wanted anything, he bought it, drowning the family in debt in the process, ending eventually in bankruptcy. If my mum wanted anything, it was a waste of money. If anyone put a foot wrong, he was so hard done to and several times threatened suicide. If we spoke up about his controlling ways getting us down, we didn’t have the luxury of being depressed. And he fed us all this crap that it was the 3 of us against the world (when the world was never against us in the first place, although I grew up believing it was). If anyone had a problem, he would manipulate us by pretending to care, then offer advice that ONLY he could provide, and berate us if we wanted to go a different way. My poor mother is still being controlled by this man, and set aside everything in her life that she wanted for his sake. She always said it was because a family should be together no matter what (even this emotional abuse) when I begged her as a child to divorce him. So, rant over, just think about the example you’re setting for your kids if you want any, I still let people walk all over me because of what this man taught me about my place in the world. I’m only just coming to terms with this stuff now and learning to change my responses.

    If you bring a kid into this scenario, you will screw them up by not leaving. And if you don’t want kids, imagine the advice you’d give a friend in this situation then work out what you need to do.

  16. kate says:

    This is to anyone unsure of what to do…..I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 8 months. All of the above signs were present. He eventually ended up raping me. I have since been able to come to terms with what happened and am dating a wonderful man! Please understand….you can’t change boys with this behavior. It will only get worse!! Emotional abuse turns into physical abuse and rage!! Please reach out to family, friends, church leaders or support groups! What your living is not happiness!!

  17. mary says:

    All of the 15 traits applies to my boyfriend!! It was cool at first because I have always been independent and never had anyone control me but then mostly without a steady boyfriend. So when he came along I thought it was cool like, okay, every woman should be submissive kind of, but it’s so so draining me out! I am one man’s lady and have no plans to cheat even without him in my life but he doesn’t trust me so I try so hard to prove it, I can’t hang out with my friend, he makes me take pictures of me even in a movie theater for proof that am really there! Etc.

    It gets so embarrassing but I keep doing it just to make him happy, yet after all this, he still finds a fault! And we end up having issues, he really is a caring man and shows love but this part of him is exhausted me! I don’t know what to do!

  18. Chloe says:

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now. About a year ago, he became extremely controlling. Most of the things in this list. We fight every single day.

    He doesn’t let me go out with my friends. Even if it’s a girl’s night, then he has to come with me. He swears at me, tells me to ‘go f*** myself’. I know I’m in a bad relationship, I know it. And I want out. But it’s so incredibly hard. Especially when you’ve been together for so long, and talk about marriage. He says he will always want to marry me. But I dont think I can take being married to this kind of man at all. Everytime I tell him he’s controlling me, he freaks out and makes me feel like the bad guy who’s mean.

    I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck in this unhappiness. Sure there’s happy moments which are quite nice, and I always think of that when I think about breaking up. And i know there will be other people who can treat me better. But it’s so hard to think about that. I’m stuck in here for a while more longer that’s for sure.

  19. Millie says:

    I was married to a guy from a different religion. He made my life hell at first he was my Prince, then after time he became jealouse, controlling and manipulative he accuse me of sleeping with all the men I worked with and he even asked me if our child was his! I had been nothing but faithful. I’m now 27 and still having trouble adjusting to single life. I’m not too far off 30 and I don’t want to grow old alone although its good being single. I have my eye on this guy but I’m getting confused signals.

  20. cadine says:

    Iv been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years.although he cheated on me for the first 2 years. Even the whoile way through my pregnancy. Yet I stayed with him because I was so desperate for him to love me. I used 2 have loads of friends male and female now I have hardly anyone. If he even catches me looking in the direction of another male it means I want them. Yet I have never wanted anyone but him. I tried 2 do everything he wanted me to to make him happy but all that did was make me unhappy. I’m sick of feeling trapped and now I want my life back. I feel like for 3 years iv lost myself. I was so confident and outgoing but he changed me. Iv come 2 realise if a person can’t accept me for who I am then they don’t deserve 2 be in my life. I’d hate for y son 2 turn out like his dad that’s why I have 2 put a stop 2 this now before its to late.

  21. Julie says:

    To all of you, get out. I too have had 2 relationships with men like this. They treat you like a princess at first and then when you make the commitment they will turn into a different person. Yes it will be good for maybe a week but they will allways find fault in you. You will never make them happy, ever. I have cried myself sick, but know I couldnt live like that anymore. It is not you, it is them. If they are emotionly abusing you they are also verbally abusing you. You do not deserve to be yelled at or put down for anything! It hurts but you will get over it in time and feel good again. Trust me I have been there.Get out!!!!!!!

  22. Robyn says:

    I’ve never realized this but I’m emotionally controlling 🙁 I need help! How do I fix this? I don’t want to be doing this to my bf but it feels like he needs my guidance and if he doesn’t have me, I know he will make the wrong decisions. Ohhh, I’m gong to practice not to care as much.

  23. Stacey says:

    I broke up with my boyfriend after reading this and it feels like I can breathe for the first time

  24. An idiot. says:

    Exactly my partner, it’s leaving them that the hard part because they stalk.

  25. Becky says:

    this blew my mind, Its been about a week or so that ive broken up with my boyfriend . He was both of those! I pressed charges on him , I wasn’t sure if what I did was right but after reading this .. Man! I’m glad I made the right choice.. !

  26. justaboutfedup says:

    My situation is different. Mine, does this:

    1. We see eachother when he feels like it only. If I want to see him, he tells me “maybe” we will see eachother before the weekend and he doesn’t call me til late in the day. When I do this he gets upset with me.
    He sets different rules.

    2. We only go where he wants to go, when and he only wants to take his truck only. When asked he said he doesn’t like car and won’t ride in one, only in his truck.

    3. Some of his family comes in town and he writes me off, suddenly he wants to not see me and he makes it clear that they don’t like me cause I’m black. So what he does is he puts me on hold. All the way he says I’m his all and everything and wants to be with me and marry me and I’m his soul mate but I’m quickly put aside for other people who don’t respect me.

    4. He expects me to have everything in my life in order and his is still a complete mess.
    He is still tied to his wife in some ways and wants me totally untied to my husband (we both are separated) us not being the reason, we were separated from our spouses before we met. He once said “I’m glad that you are low maintanance cause I’m low budget” as way of saying he will not spend much money on me, yet his wife (who left him) he willingly gives his money to including retirement without even a fight in court.

    5. He refuses to have actual intercourse with me cause he is afriad to get me pregnant (even us protection). However he expect me to give him oral pleasure and hanky panky when ever he wants and that be enough for him because he has trouble getting it up. He feels he doesn’t haft to fix his problem with getting an erection cause he is refusing to having intercourse with me and just want to get off another way.

    It is one big mind game from him.
    Hanky panky but no real sex,
    dates but only where he wants go and when
    My life should be how he say and his can be any way
    He can get smart with me and ignore me if I don’t just obey
    but if I ignore him and walk away I’m crazy and ungrateful.
    On our date, he forces me to hear about his heartache about his (soon to be x wife) he is separated from.

    I broke it off with him once for this reason and when I tried to just be friends with him
    he was nice to me for a week and then went back to his same ways.
    Now it has only been two weeks since we been back together and I’m already about to break it off with him again and for good.

    He also makes it clear that the way he was with the older women his age was different
    and I suspect that he did not menipulate them or try to control them.

    He is 62 and I’m 36. He says the age difference don’t matter to him but I think he is trying to menipulate me because of my age.

  27. Daedalus says:

    I’m in the other side. I’ve had a LDR and I never noticed how controlling I was. Basically, she is a very focused person. Some months ago she got a new, better job, and got very, very busy. I was resentful that I wasn’t gettng the same attention as before. It all exploded when, one week ago, I bought a ticket to visit her, and she said that she could not be with me that week, and the next one. I missed her so much, the last time I saw her was two months ago, I couldn’t understand how she couldn’t take some time for me on a couple weekends! Then I broke up with her, saying horrible things about how only me cared about the relationship, and etc. I am regretful, and asked her for a reconciliation (another sign, the attack-apologize one :/), and now I’m waiting for a reply. I love her so much, and I’m so afraid to lose her, but now I’m also afraid that I’ll do that again and hurt her again 🙁

  28. Anonymous says:

    I’ve read all the signs and I am in a emotional controlling relationship. I’ve told him he is controlling but he either makes excuses or deny’s it. I know its an unhealthy relationship but i try to blind myself by it but I’m reminded by things he does which i hate. We have been together for about 9yrs and have been engaged for about 8yrs and we have 2 children together which makes it worse on standing up for myself. Everytime marriage is brought up we both make excuses of not getting married yet, but to be honest if we truly wanted to get married I think we would have done it a long time ago. He is the type that will pick a fight and bring up something from the passed or make up something that I supposedly said but nvr did. I hate when we do fight he tells me I’m useless and says how he does everything and i do nothing which is untrue. I feel like i can’t breathe when he is around me. He tells me how he doesn’t trust me but i think its always been that way. He makes me do everything with him even if i don’t want to. Everytime I want to do something for myself, 1 sec hes supportive and then the next he’s so negative and it brings me down. I am mentally and emotionally shot. Im so tired of pretending im happy. Im so tired of walking on eggshells everyday wondering if he’s happy or not and if he’s mad at me. I deserve better and i know i could do better but so scared of how he will react. I stay for the kids but im not happy and i cant even function as a person let alone as a parent for them and its effecting me horribly. I don’t know what to do, or even how to break it that im not inlove with him anymore and that im done and want out. Maybe some1 here could give some advise, because I feel so lost and stuck. 🙁

  29. Erica says:

    I just sighed a years lease with my boyfriend
    That I’ve been with for almost a year we got into
    A really big fight this afternoon and a started to
    Pack up my things to leave he kept throwingmy clothes
    Everywhere telling me that I wasn’t going
    Anywhere and can we talk about this
    He started to brake downs in tears and saying
    I can’t breath I can’t breath please done leave me
    I feel like I have became him and I have no life
    And no future I don’t talk to any of friends bc of him
    He thinks I’ve cheated he goes through my Facebook
    And gets mad when I put a lock on my phone
    And has to know what it is we go everywhere together
    I don’t get a brake he takes me car he always wants to drive
    Sense the 2day we meent he hasn’t gave me a brake
    Where ever I go he goes a so on and so forth
    I meen he even freaked out when I want on a vacation
    To key west to see family he called me every
    10 15 20 mins asking me what I was doing and when
    I was coming home he said he was throwing up blood
    And couldn’t eat with out me
    This kid is crazy and I don’t know
    What to do I have never had a boyfriend do this to me before
    I need out but I’m scared to leave and I just sighed this lease do I
    Brake it and run away from this when he is at work
    If I leave he won’t let me
    Someine answer this please
    And hea been saying he loves me the first 2 weeks
    We were together he started saying ily

  30. awake says:

    ugh! I have been back and forth with this guy 5 months and always had a gut feeling not to trust him. But… he is fun (when things are going his way), handsome, childlike, sensitive guy… However, I do everything for him when he comes over. I pick up after him, buy food & drinks, you name it. When I come over, I have to drive him everywhere and he may or may not pay for the bill. He gives me that subtle look as I if I should pay. He is always looking in the mirror, buying for himself clothes, weed, drinks, food, etc. He is obsessed with his looks. He calls me white girl, hillbilly, fish face, and monkey. After reading this article and one on Gold Diggers, I come to the conclusion that he is a Subtle Controller out for my money. The sex is always a race. If I get off then, I am lucky. He said if I lose weight then he can explore more with me sexually. He wanted me to buy him a car but he will make payments, he wants to put our money together, and he wants to start a business together. Meanwhile he never takes me out on the wkend, comes over when its 1 am, and wants to just sleep. He keeps hinting on the things I should buy to make “our” lives better. He hangs over friends (chicks )house everyday but tells me i am sneaking off to meet guys on the side. I dumped him last week (again) and have been stressing over the thought if i made the right decision or not…. after reading EVERYONE’s comments here online. I decided I can move on.. f-k him!!!!

  31. cassandra says:

    i think my boyfirend is controlling… but i dk… i do love him but i am unhappy… i feel like a seed that is begging to be plantd and grow into a big tree….but every 1 passes me by never planting the lil seed 🙁

  32. Sue says:

    I am definitely in emotionally abusive relationship. I went on holiday on my own and my bf called me pissed off because i didnt speak to him for 2 hours. I was out with my friends and he completely ruined the night for me. Now hes gone away on a stag do and i went out for a meal with my sister and her boyfriend. He called me when i was out and got pissed off because i was out with them. He then said he asked me if anyone else was there with us and i said no, but he said day later that i didnt reply so i must be lying, he said he doesnt trust me although i never gave him a reason. I am not the type to cheat yet he is always flirting and texting other women. He says no one will tell him who he can or cant speak to, yet everytime i go out, he makes me look like i am doing something wrong. I dont go out anymore, i have no friends, my family doesnt like him, yet when i do everything for him, i am the best girlfriend in the world. I dont know what to do. He wasnt like this for the first year but now hes changed. He checked my phone, he checks up on me. Yet if i ask questions or want to say i dont like this, he says what am i hiding or to shut up when i try talk to him. He says i am argumentative yet i hate falling out like this with him. He has no reason not to trust me or tell me who i can go out with. Its like i cant do anything without him being mad with me. 🙁 but when we are happy, its great, he treats me really nice, just when things like this happen, im confused. Shall i get out? I do love him tho.

  33. Sad Girl says:

    I have an emotionally controlling boyfriend.
    Yesterday I pleaded for him to stop being controlling and he agreed, he promised and said he was sorry. I know things will go back to the way they were, I just know it. I promised I would break up with him if he continued his controlling ways. Girls, if you have been dating your partners for not too long, leave immediately, cause when you start to really fall in love with them, it is so hard to let them go…

  34. Tim says:

    Ladies don’t base your relationship off of this. This is a opinion based article. Every partner dose these 1-15 in a relationship. You set your boundaries. My ex-gf said I was ” controlling” because of this site. She said it was because everytime she got off work or went out with friends I would ask about it. That’s not controlling, that’s being involved in a relationship. I would ask ” how was your day, oh that’s interesting tell me more”. A controlling guy tells you who to hang out with and how to act/ dress. It’s as simple as that. This article is garbaged!

  35. just One chick says:

    Chloe– ur story sounds so familiar. I have 4 sisters and have pretty much seen it all. In my experience..the guy or girl dont just become controlling after a year and a half. What I mean is are you sure something didnt happen to start the behavior? Is it possible he cheated on you? This seems to be common: like a person realizes how easy it is to cheat and turn it around as expressions of dis-trust or dishonesty from their partner. Usually ends up being one of ur friends that it happened with, which in turn makes him not want u to be around them alone cuz they might tell u or they turn the dis-trust onto ur friends & u! Like if her friend would sleep with me why wouldnt u do it or she might encourage u. Its weird I know but happens. Also if he didnt cheat… Maybe he is having some confidence issues and its easier for us to take it out on the people we love. Im not taking up for ur guy. However, if it did start so late in the relationship maybe theres something else going on. If its not the cheating then it may be worth a try to salvage. Ask him to go to therapy, if he agrees then go with him. If he bails therapy then u bail. Also if he is acting this way its possible that he feels stuck too, and he may be sub-conciously trying to sabatage. If the bad out wieghs they good then get out.

  36. just One chick says:

    HEY TIM….
    DONT SAY EVERYONE DOES THIS. Everyone does NOT do all 15 of these. We all do have a controlling streak in a sense, but that is like guidelines of what is and is not acceptable in a relationship. Just like vows in a marriage. Its when it gets rediculous that its bad
    behavior/ controlling A-hole behavior. Girls do it to.
    Guys just tend to walk away easier when a girl cracks
    the wip! It sounds to me like ur girl had 1 foot out the door from go. She was in the wrong going out every night with friends and turning it around on u; however, that doesnt mean that these 15 points arent valid here. So for u to say what these girls feel is wrong, well thats not right and you are invalidating them and their feelings. Most of the stories these girls are sharing point to being in a controlling relationship, which means they already have a man invalidating them, their choices, and their feelings! They dont need u doing it to. Maybe ur girl did u wrong that doesnt make all girls wrong. Their guys are still doing them wrong, would u like them to blame u as a man for that as well. This article is actually quite point on. It missed a few points like financial control and family control, but it makes sense in every other aspect. Notice it says “always and often” on most points- not “one time.” Now these guys are using these manipulators so often that it becomes undeniable! The friends and family of the controlled person sees these things early on in most cases. They try to point it out without distroying their bond but it gets difficult. There comes a point when the family and friends will get irritated at their loved one because they stay or keep going back. Often she tells her boyfriend what they say to get a reaction. Then he feels like hes been attacked and makes her choose. He says stuff like “ur family is trying to turn u against me” “ur not goimg to love me bc of them” and guilts her into cutting ties. Then the cycle of abuse gets worse until the controlled flips or kids are brought into the home and the abuse/control is pointed to them as well.

    So Tim- let me ask u is this the kind of thing u want on ur concious? And im sorry if ur girlfriend used this as an excuse to dip out, but she must have felt she needed a reason, so have u asked urself that. What have I done to make her feel like she needed a documented reason to leave? Im not saying u are one of these guys cuz I dont know u, but I can guarentee that everyone of the guys mentioned in the comments would come on her and say its bull**** as well, and Im sure they would say I didnt do that, I was just interested, and

  37. Kim says:

    I want to get out of this relationship in the most peaceful way possible. Lately I wake up with soo much regret for getting involved with, even meeting him. I seriously rue the day this grown boy came into my life. 6 years and all he does is drag his feet when it comes to marriage. I’m realizing that he must not want to marry me if we keep going thru this and I am not getting any younger. He has done so many awful things to me and I told him the only way I could let it go was if he showed me that I was the one by giving me something that he never gave any other woman, and that’s marriage in my opinion. After all that we have been through, he still doesn’t think I’m worthy and I’m tired of trying to make him see that I’m worthy. I wish he would just disappear out of my life.

  38. Tim says:

    I just ended a five year relationship with a guy I was very much in love with, haven’t gone to work in a week, sat in the same chair dealing with anxiety, crying and begging God for a reason for 4-6 hours of each of those days, just STEADY. And then I read this article, which I came across by accident, mind you.

    Where there was confusion, agony, and fear of being alone, I suddenly feel comfort, pity, and relief. I don’t know what God has in store for my future, but I’m glad I found this literature. We were supposed to be married in July and it really couldn’t have come at a better time. Thanks!! 🙂

  39. rox says:

    most of these points reflect my boyfriends behaviour. Im so drained. I always feel torn between my friends and his. I rarely spend the ammount of time with my friends as i do with my boyfriend because ‘he hasnt seen me in a day’.. or he misses me, or he has a surprize for me.
    I dont go out really anymore with trhe girls ether because its so much hassle. He would text me every 5 mins and if i had a slight delay in texting back he wud get odd and my night out would be ruined because he wud start a fight or even before i go out hed find someway to make me feel bad. I never have any problems when he wants to do stuff or go out with his friends so i never really understood why he had these problems with me? I dont want to loose him at all because i do love him so much, but i dont want to say this to him ether because im scared of his reaction.
    My friends are going away on a girls weekend soon and he has made a point of saying he wouldnt want to go away with the lads on a lads trip because he dosnt need to. or that he would prefer to do something with me. Im so sad all the time. I feel so boxed in, iv tried talking to one of my friends about it but she just made a joke of it so i dont know what to do.

  40. Temperance says:

    I’ve been in many emotionally controlling relationships, and have been controlling as well. I never had anyone to teach me about relationships and my parents were awful role models. About six months ago I officially ended it with my controlling fianc

  41. Hopeless says:

    @temperence thank you for your tremendous advice. I’ve even copied and pasted it to my computer to reread during times when I am feeling weak. I am struggling right now. My relationship has ruined my life. I have even kept him a secret from my best friend who hates him for the way that he treats me. I hate “sneaking” around all the time … Feeling guilty for going out with my friends… Walking on eggshells … Always wondering if he is going to be hurting himsel or how he is feeling, what to expect from his mood etc. I just want to have freedom and not have this person controlling me. I want to be in a mutually respectful relationship. I realize now I need to be single for a long, long time and get a lot of help once I have the courage and strength to leave. What are the first steps in leaving?

  42. guy says:

    Hi. I think I am one of the scary emotionally controlling bf that’s being talked about. I came to this article while I was searching for ‘m I being creepy bf’. I have all the traits mentioned here ( except 10,11,12) and wondering how true my gf will find this to be. She has already dumped me once and I made her come back because it was hard for me to let go!!! For all the ladies who have emotionally controlling bf, u should take up a stance that is genuinely consistent with your needs,show him this article, he probably knows all about it but reading this will open his eyes. You must know its the insecurities that drive this behaviour.ofcourse you shouldn’t put up with this guy but if you love him,even as a friend, help him out on this I am sure he’ll be more than willing to listen if put forth in a manner where he doesn’t have to put his defences up.
    I sometimes make gfs life hell, and in turn mine..and since I am more emotional than her.. it hair me harder than to her. Its creepy I know.. so my question is what do I do.. is there some other article that can hell me sort out the complexities of relationships..of what not to do? Thanks

  43. Joel says:

    My sister is with someone just like this. Okay ladys as a guy please listen to me, if your partner is anything like this leave him ASAP. He is a moron and you can do a million times better, leave that control freak and take back your life.:)

  44. martina says:

    I have been in a horrible relationship for 18 months by bf is always saying things like u smell like a whore or why are you wearing that to show your tits off. Even when i was pregnant it was a fight for me to do anything. I havent went out with friends or family in well over a year. He calls all my friends whores and sluts including my sister. he believes that because of ones behaviour i will do the same. If i try to go anywhere he tells me he is leaving or he wont watch our son so offcourse then i have to stay home. my family hates him he fights with me because he doesnt want our son near my family but i told him to bad i will allow it. I tell him he is controlling but he always denys it he gets mad and tells me im a bitch and mean nothing to him. He tells me if i leave him he will not want anything to do with our son and he will sign over his parental rights. Its just disgusting the way he is with me and the things he says. My life has to change there must be a way some days im so upset i just dont no what to do im not allowed to do anything and its sick cause i find myself asking if its ok for something i am a 29 yr old women i shldnt have to ask my bf wow fml

  45. SuckAlolo says:

    This lady is stupid please don’t listen to what she is saying at least get a mans perspective whether it is your father brother uncle cousin or friend

  46. Chris says:

    My boyfriend does all of these things and more. Not that I needed to look it up, I think I have always known I have been in a controlling relationship but have had a really hard time leaving and every time I do he ends up pulling me back in. It’s a vicious cycle that I can’t seem to permanently break away from. We have been together off and on for almost 6 years and were engaged for 2 of those years. We would have been married 2 years ago but thankfully, 6 months prior, I cancelled it and moved out following an arguement over my plans to shop for bridesmaids dresses on the same day he wanted me to go with him to his grandmother’s. The fight got ugly and escalated so I packed all my stuff and moved out, deciding it was over, although it didn’t take long for him to make me feel bad and beg for forgiveness and we eventually got back together. From day one he lead me to believe he was this perfect man, the guy I had been looking for all my life and I felt so lucky that I had him all to myself. Before we moved in together I remember being really happy, going out with my friends and enjoying life. Shortly after moving in, that all changed dramatically and I felt like I had sacrified everything to be a part of his life, while he had sacrificed nothing. Suddenly, the arguements began whenever I wanted to go out with my friends and while I was out he would call and text me the entire time, starting a huge fight that would always eventually ruin my night. This happened frequently and I would often end up leaving early, causing my friends to get mad at me and they began to dislike him. Eventually I stopped going out together because it became more of a hassle than it was fun and I didn’t want to fight. I don’t even talk to my old friends anymore. Luckily the one friend who has stuck by me is my best friend, which he has told me that he doesn’t like when I go out with her because I don’t “behave myself”. I feel like I have to get his permission to go anywhere and the relationship now feels more like parent/child than that of a boyfriend. We fight over this repeatedly. I also have to have my cell phone on me at all times and god forbid I miss his call because I couldn’t get to it quickly enough. He will immediately call back, repeately until I answer. When I finally answer I have to explain what I was doing, why it took me so long to answer and where I am. No matter what my response, I am accused of lying, he starts swearing at me and name calling. I caught on that he purchased spyware for my cell phone that allows him to completely monitor all my cell phone activity, allowing him access to all of my text messages, call log, internet activity and pictures, and to listen to my calls. I discovered it, I deleted it and confronted him about it only for him to turn around and buy a more expensive and discreet one that can not easily be removed without hard re-setting the phone. Whenever he thinks I am lying he checks it and of course never finds anything, apologizes and pretends nothing happened. After all of our arguements he always acts like nothing happened. At times I have caught him sitting down the street from my house to see if I leave the house with other guys. He calls me so many times a day I feel like I spend the majority of my free time with the phone stuck to my ear. Every time I try to hang up with him, he will think of something else to talk about and when I finally get off the phone he will call me back 5-10 minutes later. The only time I get a break is when I am with him or when he is working. If I go out while he is working I get attitude and he expects me to immediately stop whatever it is that I am doing and come hang out with him as soon as he is done, even if I am with my family. If, in his opinion, it takes me too long to do something or get somewhere, it’s an arguement. I find myself constantly explaining everything I do and every move I make, every text message that I receive and every telephone conversation I have is questioned. He has managed to get into a fight with every one of my friends, male or female, so they won’t want to call or bother with me anymore. I constantly feel smothered, like a prisoner and I really don’t think I can tolerate it much longer. I unsuccessfully tried to break up with him so many times but he doesn’t get it and continues to call and text me constantly, and show up wherever I am until I break down and take him back just so I can have some peace and won’t have to deal with the fighting and constant phone calls. I have tried changing my phone number but he will show up at my work or come to my house. He always wants to “talk”. I was always under the impression that I was a strong, independent woman, but he has proven otherwise and find myself giving into him so I don’t have to deal with it. His mother is the exact same way, doing the same things to both him and his brother. He says he can’t stand her but, ironically, acts just like her and as time goes on I see that he is turning into his mother. Whenever I call this to his attention he denies it, often bringing up something unrelevant that I may have done, that happened years ago, in order to justify his behavior. I am constantly walking on eggshells because of his temper, starting fights when I don’t say or do things the way he thinks I should or if I say or do something he doesn’t like. He makes threats and holds things over my head when things don’t go his way. I often find myself thinking about my life before him and wishing that I had never met him. I know this relationship is not healthy and I have to get out of it but we have also been together for a long time and despite the way he treats me, I do love him. I had to if I have put up with this for so long. I have watched most of my friends get married and have children and deep down I know if I stay with him I won’t ever have any of those things. I refuse to have children with someone like this or to bring a child into this type of environment. I need to find the strength to not only break it off for good but to ignore his persistent, empty apologies that often make me feel guilty and keep me coming back. People will always have an opinion when they are on the outside looking in and it’s often easier for them to pass judgement and comment on what he/she would do if it were them, but no one really knows how they would handle any particular situation until they are stuck right in the middle of it.

  47. Kittykat says:

    my boyfriend is emotionally controlling. we’ve only been together for four month but he already wants me to listen to everything he says and acts all hurt when i dont listen. i love him alot but sometimes i need my own space and i need the freedom to do my own things. i dont know what to do with him. i know he loves me more than i love him but it seems all too soon in just four months. i really am lost in this relationship

  48. anonymouss says:

    I feel that my boyfriend has just about all of these signs! He does nothing but belittle me and im getting very fed up. He is very insecure and he always gets mad whenever i go see one of my girlfriends, even when hes at work!! I feel like i have no freedom and as if i need his permission to do something. He needs to know everything i do. When i dont answer his texts fast enough, he thinks im doing something behind his back! I love him to death, weve been dating nearly 2 years. But im only 18, hes 20. I have yet to know what to do with my life and im not sure if this is the kind of relationship i want. He took my virginity.. I thought he was the love of my life, i still think he is, but i dont like the way things are going. Ive had talks with him about how he makes me feel but it just doesnt seem to be doing much good. Id love to be able to talk to someone in the same position as me!

  49. Kafka says:

    Look ladies, I’m a man and I found myself cringing as I read this. In my last relationship, I was guilty of most of those signs! I just never thought about it and now that I do, it makes me hate myself. If only I had understood how controlling I was… She didn’t deserve any of that and I really did everything with the best intentions. I just never figured out how bad it was.

    Please, if you see those signs in your boyfriend, talk to him, ask him to read this and try to reason with him. He may be not aware of what he’s doing, just like I wasn’t. We’re not monsters, we can change and we really want the best for our significant other. Sometimes that blinds us into doing stupid things.

  50. Shauna says:

    I wish I would have found this while I was dating my controlling boyfriend. I at first thought it was cute that he wanted to spend all of his time with me, that he was jealous blah blah blah but he got more and more crazy as the years went on. I couldn’t hang out with my friends, he completely excluded himself from his friends which made it look like it was my fault, if I went and did things with my family, he felt like he needed to be included, he would constantly put me down, it just got completely out of hand, and then when I finally woke up and realized what he was doing to me I would try to break up with him which just pushed him to treaten to kill himself, and I really thought we would do it so I would always go back to him. I finally got the courage to take my chances and break it off with him even though he still kept threating to kill himself….I have never been happier with my decision and guess what..he’s still alive and probably terrorizing some other poor girl.

  51. Guy Again says:

    I too am one of the guilty guys being referred to here. I just left my girlfriend’s apartment after a long fight that left me crying on her floor holding her telling her that I couldn’t live without her, etc.

    Now, first of all – I hate that this is who I am. It was never my intention to act like this. However, all these points in this article accurately describe my actions. I think the insecurities are definitely the biggest thing for me – I was in a terrible past relationship and became very insecure because of it (cheated on, manipulated myself, etc.). It’s not even that I want “control” – it’s just that I want her to come to me first – actually want my opinion on things, and trust my opinion. It hurts when she doesn’t and I know this is wrong. I really am seeking out help to change my way of thinking about all of this.

    When we first started dating 10 months ago, everything was amazing. I think back to why it was so amazing and I think a lot of that is due to the fact that I didn’t control her. She was exactly who she is as a person and we loved being together.

    I simply care for this girl so much. I love her to death. I want so many good things for her life that it drives me crazy when I see her not doing everything to help herself. I definitely am way too honest about how I feel about these things because she takes it as if she can’t do anything right. I hate that I come across that way but this article definitely puts some perspective into it for me. Maybe I just need to learn how to bite my tongue and maybe I also need to just listen and comfort her for once.

    If anything can be taken from what I have to say – just please realize that not all guys intend to do this at all and just talking to them will help. It did for me tonight. There is no denying some of these things – I really really want to change myself. I am a nice guy and care so much about this girl. I can’t mess it up.

  52. Selena says:

    This make me want to cry.
    I know I love my boyfriend but he ALWAYS makes me feel guilty & if i tell him he’s controlling…. He turns it back on me. I’m confused…

  53. Jovin says:

    My ex was everyone of these & then some. Idk what made him change. His dad is head of some dept. of UNLV& his mom up high in CCSD. youd think hes should be an okay guy with a decent family background. but I found out later in the relationship (after I got pregnant, luckily I had a miscarriage or my & the baby’s life would’ve been horrible) that he had mental problems. He NEVER told me & his excuse was “everybody knows, I thought you’d figure it out by now”. Not to mention while I was preg he got mad at me cuz I wanted to watch some ppl dance at a very low key fam party, he ran outside & started kicking and punching stuff. He has a huge history of violence & mental problems where he used to take pills to keep him stable but stopped. Not to mention when I got preg & told him he immediately broke up with me & said I should get a abortion, he later tried to bribe me. I had so much stress from him, work, school (can’t be preg in myajor due to X-ray) that I lost the baby. But I look back now & realize it happened cuz god was saving me from him. I didn’t even mention he’s a pothead who smoke weed and spice everyday sometimes 3x. But the pothead probs only came at end of relationship.
    Looking back now I wish I had left him & NEVER took him back!!! He was my very 1st bf so I never really knew what red flag signs were. Now I’m moving out of state to have a NEW start in my life. <3 best wishes to u all. Get out of relationship at first sign of violence.

  54. Kaitlin says:

    This made me feel a lot better about my recent breakup. My ex had a lot of these signs and I’m glad that now I can move on and make sure I don’t put up with this behavior from someone else. Thank you for posting this!

  55. Jo says:

    What made me sad is that realizing that I was many of these things with my ex-boyfriend. It wasn’t until about a year after we broke up that I could admit to myself that I was the controlling and insecure one. It ‘s hard to admit but it can be the girl too who does these things.

  56. Sunday says:

    @kafka- Wow! You hit it spot on! ‘Love her to death.” Because, guess what ladies? That is exactly what can happen if we fall ‘victim’ to controlling men. I speak from experience, as a survivor. All of the comments above resonate. I lost myself the first year in. I was with this man for 30 years. I have a child with him, and my divorce was final just last week. He will never let go.

    All of your stories raise enormous red flags.

    Martina- please! Let him deny paternity. You’ll be luckier than those of us, like me and my daughter, who have been abused, and yet he fights for my child just to hurt us both, without really wanting her. I won full custody. I was lucky. But he’s still making our lives a misery.

    These warning signs are good ones for new relationships. For those of you asking “what should I do?” RUN!! For those of you whose men say they’ll kill themselves if you leave? Tell them to call the crisis line. All Abuse Centers have a set of questions to determine an abusive situation… One major red flag is the “I’ll kill myself if…”

    I can tell you for certain that these subtle control tactics escalate over time into full on abuse, it’s not that you are weak, you’ve been worn down. Best to run before you get so caught up in it all that you one day wear the black eye badge of “abuse survivor”, and feel the fear that your daughter may be comfortable enough with the pattern she’s seen her whole life to follow in your footsteps.

    As for these men, When they are good, they are very very good.. And when they are bad they are horrible. It’s confusing, especially when you get together young.

    To the person who posted “he looks in the mirror all the time”, check out posts on Malignant Narcissists.” It is so difficult to live with one, and very hard to break off a relationship with a person who is one. But you can do it… And please do it before you get married and have to divorce this person. Because it is a battle like no other.

    Just sayin’ … All of you here know something is amiss in your relationships. Please please know… It will not get better no matter how much you give. In fact, the more you give, the worse it gets. And, it does escalate … It’s not your fault. You’ll be lucky to walk out with only emotional scars ..,oh, and one more thing… I wouldn’t trade my daughter for the world… My ex made her with me… I’m grateful for that… Still, please do not have babies with these men. It is so hard on the kids.

    Blessings and strength to you all.?,

  57. Jade says:

    The toxic controlling relationship I was in is finally OVER! At least I hope it is… He changed his number after a year of toxic games and controlling behaviour. All I have done is cried and worried about myself because I have known all along that he wasn’t good for me. When I met him I saw a few “red flags” but I didn’t think anything of it until one of my girlfriends at the time told me to “run”. My family and friends don’t like him at all because of all of the stuff he has put me threw. I read the 15 signs of a controlling boyfriend and I started crying because he is all of those 🙁 I really hope that he deleted my number because he knows that i am not strong enough to stop talking to him. It’s almost like he has a power over me? He has a girlfriend but he would call me and want to see me whenever it was convenient for him. I hate myself for being used but I can’t help who I fall in love with I guess… I hope that I am strong enough to never speak to him again. He has done nothing but hurt me and I know that I am a great girl and I deserve better! He is very insecure and I think that it makes him feel good by controlling and manipulating girls.. I know that karma will do it’s thing when the right time comes..

  58. Maggie says:

    My fianc

  59. Jackie says:

    Reading this just confirmed what I thought about my boyfriend.. he always criticizes me everyday about everything I do. I’m “stupid” or “annoying” if I don’t agree with him.. even if I’m right with the facts right in front of us, he will still say i’m wrong and that he is right, its crazy. He doesn’t directly tell me I can’t spend time with my friends but he will act a certain way if I do, like he will ignore me or have an attitude when I talk to him if I hungout with them earlier. He doesn’t like to spend time with my family and acts like its a huge annoying deal if we go to my parents house. He says he doesn’t like to leave the house or go into public with me because im dumb and annoying. He tells me im beautiful and pretty and that makes me think its the only thing he likes about me.. he never compliments me as a person. He made me delete all my social networks, he doesn’t have any either but i dont understand why he wants us cut off from the world.. he says “why are you so interested in everyone else’s life?” We fight almost everyday over the dumbest things and the only time he apologizes is when I don’t talk to him for a few days. Its a never ending cycle, but I love him and we have good moments. But I feel trapped, we have been together so long and I don’t know anything else. All I know is this can’t be right.

  60. Sad Girl Update says:

    Well he hasn’t changed. I don’t even know if I love him anymore. I have cried, pleaded for him to stop like 50 times but he hasn’t stopped abusing me. We’ve been together for a very long time and just teens. I cant leave I just can’t. When he isn’t a controlling, abusive monster he is the most amazing person. He loves me so much. But when he makes me promise him a million things over and over, accuses me of cheating and when he controls what I watch it kills my brain. I end up self harming. Today he fucked me up that now I’m not sure if I love him. If your partner says that they will stop and they sound sincere and genuine DO NOT BELIEVE THEM, THEY WILL RETURN TO THEIR WAYS I HAVE EXPERIENCE! I HAVE WITNESSED IT. I PROMISE YOU THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE UNLESS THEY WANT TO THEMSELVES. T

  61. Sad Girl Update says:

    I don’t know what to do anymore 🙁 I have anxiety disorder and pretty sure my depression has come back and I’m just so alone. Why does he destroy my mind? Why? 🙁 I can’t take it anymore. I’m so so alone. I’m trapped and there will never be an escape. I’m dead. I’m nothing.

  62. Niki says:

    Been there, after 3 and half years finally broke free, the first sign of controlling run for the hills, these kind of people will never change and will only bring you down, even now nearly a year and half later that relationship still effects me, these kind of people want you to be dependent on them for everything and along the way u lose urself , the month i started seeing a guy that exhibited the same controlling traits of my ex, lets say i told him to get on his bike a week later

  63. Niki says:

    sad girl hunni, u really need to talk to someone a family member or a close friend, i went through the exact same thing as u did, talking to someone really does help, as they can stand back and see things for what they really are, i think u need to at least try and take a break from this controlling bf of urs, no one is ever alone even tho u may feel u are, people like this want u too feel that they are the only person in ur life, i think you would do urself a big favour by getting away from him as soon as u do u will realise how poorly u were treated and that u can live without him same goes to u jackie so sorry for what u are going through, these people extremely insecure that need councelling and therepy to find out where their behaviour stems from cos there is always a trigger to these things, they will not change unless u do something about or otherwise ur go round in circles feeling abused, run down, alone, afraid and worthless when u shouldnt feel any of those with ur partner, help urselfs, theres light at the end of the tunnel but u need to fight to get there, good luck to u all

  64. Erica says:

    I think my boyfriend might be controlling… He’s so moody it makes me feel insane! He’s always hanging out with his friends but when I hang out with mine (even if they’re female) he texts me constantly and gets really upset if I don’t respond because I’m “being distant” (of course if he doesn’t respond for and hour or more its okay). Sometimes his expectations are so unrealistic. Ugh I don’t know what to do. I love him. And we’re doing well its amazing, but when he gets into these moods of his I can’t stand it.

  65. josh says:

    Great article,
    whats the solution though ?
    how do you change your boyfriend if he is insecure……..is’ nt that just doing what he does due to him being insecure?im confused

    the insecure boyfriend

  66. Lisa says:

    I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for just over 2 years, he shows pretty much all the signs mentioned and its scary. He started this behavior about a year ago but it was very subtle until he moved towns. The distance has put a toll on the relationship and his behavior has made it harder. He hates it when i go out with friends even during he day! I know he doesn’t like my friends and thinks they are changing me, but ever since he’s been away i’ve been able to be myself and have a life of my own. Now that i’ll be going to uni, i won’t be able to depend on him and that will only make matters worse cause he wants me on lock down. He storms of when we have fights and blames them all on me and tells me i should be listening to him. He even pulls out the ‘i’m older than you card’ so that makes him better minded than me. Its ok if he goes out with his friends but if i don’t ask him he goes crazy, sometimes i lie just cause i want to avoid the fights, i want us to be honest with each other but he doesn’t trust me anymore just because i recently started drinking. Just cause he wants to stop, i should do the same. He gave me a lecture as though i’m a child! I’m 19 and he’s 23, i’m not the same needy girlfriend from high school. He’s only in my life because i want him, not because i need him. I deserve to be treated far better than this. My only problem is how do i get out of it??? I know he will do anything to change my mind!

  67. Cait says:

    My boyfriend is controlling, he wasnt like this when we first met. He now gets angry when i tell him that im going for lunch with my sister in law or with my friends. It is hurting me, I use to be a happy person around him and the worst thing is that i live with him. He talks to me in a rude tone to me.

  68. Monika says:

    I am in a relationship for 3.5 years. I am the controlling person! I know that. Unfortunately I am a very impulsive and sensitive person, so it is very hard for me to keep calm for the first minutes when something upset me. I am like a bomb, when something doesn’t go my way. Then I run away or otherwise I would not stop blaming the other person…my boyfriend. Long walk and staying alone helps me calm down. It might takes me 30 minutes or a few hours to calm down. I used to break and damage things around me when the things didn’t go my way. Mostly my boyfriend’s stuff or goods from him. Most of the fights I end up with breaking up our relationship, but that last only for maximum one day. We love each other too much, so that is what keeps us together. I am 37 years old an he is going to be 26. I am trying to be not his mother, but I have more experiences and I am not so calm watching him, when he makes “mistakes” through his life. We are both from Europe and we met in Australia and have been here till now. I am more responsible person and I worry too much about things. Sometimes I want to make just sure we will not do nothing bad, what could kick us from this country, which we love very much. The stress about the visa and learning new life and rules from this country sometimes makes things worst. But living here and not to be controlled by my family is for me also like a healing process.
    I “broke up” with my boyfriend maybe 200 times! Because I don’t like this, then that, he is not always doing things my way. At the begging of our relationship I controlled him more and he let me. I even thought he likes it, that made me to control him more and telling him what to do with his life or in his life. He is a very happy and positive person. He loves himself very much. I am sometimes positive, but many times negative… especially about our relationship. I don’t trust him always, I am insecure and worry he will damp me and find other girl. I am a very jealous person ( I wasn’t all the time). I turned to a very terrible girlfriend. Of course he is not perfect and has some bad habits or he is also not always perfect behaving partner. After 1,5 year relationship went our relationship down and he broke up with me. We both knew it was only what we could do, otherwise it would kill us to continue in that relationship. He didn’t wanted to break up with me really, but he had to do it. I was down and cried a lot. I knew I did horrible things to him. Soon we started to see each other and even have sexual life, but he didn’t let me be really his girlfriend. He loved me, but he was scared to go really back with me again. I knew I need it to change and that I need help. We did talk about this also during our relationship, but only our break up helped me…I am thanks full him for that. It separated our life a bit and we could start to breath. He enjoyed his life with his friends and met me on a regular bases. I tried to put myself back and get better mentally. I went to see horse therapy, I read a lot positive books to help me improve my personality. It was long one year where I was trying improve and get back my boyfriend. I fight for me and our relationship. It wasn’t easy at all. When my boyfriend realized I have changed a lot, then he let it me be closer to his heart. We are back now and we both know I am not totally healed..that this might takes years. I don’t damage thing any more, but I needed to put somewhere my anger. So I posted often some terrible stuff on my or my boyfriends Facebook. I changed my status there so often…but I and my boyfriend know I can learn to stop posting our private life on Facebook as well as I learned to stop breaking my his stuff. He is not letting me what I wish with his life. That’s upset me a lot, when he is not always doing things as I wish. But that’s is good. I need to learn accept, that my boyfriend and people have many times different view on different situations. I need to learn to stop chasing him and calling him 20-50 times when he is with his friends. Yes, he did change some habits and I see he is trying to safe and work out our relationship. He has stopped do some really some things what upset me. But not everything. I wanted a lot from his and I have a very high expectations on him and our relationship. I know I need to do a lot of compromise too and let him live his life also his way…if I want to keep him in my life. Many times during our relationship I am surprised he is still with me. Many times I said to myself I don’t deserve him and he should find better girl with whom he would get better, happier and healthier life. I tried to push him away from me. I also though if I am unhappy with him sometimes and he is not 100% the partner I imagine or our relationship is not 100% like I imagine, then I should’t be with him. He is not going to change 100% to that what I wish. But is there a person who would be 100% as I wish..Is there a relationship where would go everything 100% as I wish? Probably no. We need to learn to live together and to grow together. Yes, I want to change some of my personality. Not all, because I thing on the other hand I am also wonderful person. But so insecure, that my mind is jumping up and down. I would love to learn stop controlling my partner and rather to learn to control my anger and behaviour. We know with my boyfriend, that it is possible and needs to take step by step, that not all is possible to change in one day. I have a period when I am getting better and then period when I am again terrible. I only know that I can’t stop improving..that I will need to keep helping myself for maybe for the rest of my life..or till I change my attitude for good. When I stop reading positive books or researching and gaining some valuable material, than I am back where I was. Of course I need to learn also not to be tough to myself and not to try be perfect, because I am just a human person. But many times my boyfriend say I am unhappy, because I am making myself unhappy, that I am creating problems, where they are not. That I am making dramas where it is not necessary. And I know he is sometimes right. I really would love change. And I am so thanks full, that my boyfriend is still with me. Sometimes I don’t know why. But he always say…”Because I love you”. I am so thank full for his love and great full he didn’t leave me. I want to stop hurting him and hurting myself. I want make us happy. There is not possible I will always like what he does or who he meets or how he acts, but I love him…and I don’t want to loose him. He did a lot of stuff for me, he has changed a lot of stuff in his life because of me. But he doesn’t deserve to loose control of his own life, to loose his friend and freedom. Yes, I don’t own him and I act many times like I do. I need to learn to let him do his own things without me as well. I am glad he doesn’t let me to take the total power of his life. Thank’s God!

  69. Ginger says:

    It’s so sad, I’m 46 yrs old and in my 3rd LTR. Every man I’ve been with has most of these qualities. The man I’m seeing now is the least controlling man I’ve ever loved, but he’s still on the list.

    He puts me down, then tells me not to tell people what he says because they might get the wrong idea about him – they might think he belittles me. (!)

    He doesn’t like any of my friends, he never wants me to go out with anyone but him. He doesn’t bug me when I’m out, he ignores me. He lectures me about going out drinking and risking a DUI, he tells me not to trust anyone but him.

    He wants to know my every thought and feeling, but I’m not allowed to know anything about him. When I ask him “personal” questions, he gets angry and either shouts at me to let it go or he leaves. Or he gives one of his famous “non-answers” as I call them. Words with no meaning.

    He plays mind games – one of them is that he tries to control everything I do, but when I really need HIM, his presence, his touch, his sympathy – he’s nowhere to be found. He LOVES saying I told you so. He’s right all. the. time. Even when he’s wrong he will never admit it.

    He makes me feel like a bar whore because I go to happy hour 2 or 3 times a month with my co workers. I go right after work, around 4:30 and I’m always home no later than 8. He lectures me about how bad it looks when a woman hangs out in a bar “all the time”. But he goes to strip clubs with his brothers and his buddies – a lot. More than any man I’ve ever known. I’d say he’s at a strip club at least 2-3 times a month, and a regular bar another 2-3 times a month. He knows I HATE it that he sits and looks at naked women, but he says it means nothing and I shouldn’t be so irrational and jealous.

    He picks apart every decision I make. I bought a new car for the first time in my life and he complained about it for MONTHS. Everywhere we went, he’d point out another car and say, “That’s what I would rather see you driving” or “It would have made more sense for you to buy something like that”…I bought my car with MY money. I pay the insurance and the car payment with MY money. I love my car. He lectures me about decisions I make on my own, long after there’s anything that can be done to change it. “You should have done it this way”. Like this article says, sometimes I feel lost, he makes me feel like I can’t make any decisions on my own.

    And the truly ironic part is that when we first started going out, he claimed that he was looking for an independent woman, a woman who supports herself and doesn’t need a man to take care of her. Lies. So many men today realize that women don’t really need them anymore, we’ve learned to take care of ourselves. That makes men very insecure, then they try to dominate and control us and make us feel worthless because they don’t know how else to hold on to us.

    Ladies, please please take my advice. I know what I’m talking about. If you start going out with a guy and you see ANY of these signs – RUN. It may seem hard at first, but the sooner you get away from him the better. The longer you stay with him the harder it’ll be to break up with him. Please ladies, don’t end up like me!

    If I do exactly what he tells me to, the way he tells me to, he’s tender and loving and just the best man any woman could want.

  70. Blah says:

    I hate to break it to you all, but this is how all boyfriends are and you are just living a fantasy to think that you can have a guy like you see on your little TV shows. Don’t forget to look at yourselves when reading these “signs.” I think you will find that you are controlling as well.

  71. Kayla says:

    I love my boyfriend so much, but he is controlling (he fits all 15). For instance, he gets jealous over past relationships I was in, and wants to know every single detail, I have told him, and he will use my past against me saying “I did not have sex when I was in love and I am trashy.” He twists words, and makes me feel like I am the one who is disgusting… I don’t know what to do, I’m glad that other people have the same issues going on and I am not alone…

  72. Ashley says:

    I met my boyfriend four months ago in Mexico, I am 19 & he is 25, & he is divorced. I had never met someone like him, he has traveled to so many places, he has like this way of thinking that no one I had ever met has, he thinks alot about just growing and growing as a person, being better, & traveling, trying out new stuff, he can’t stay at home without doing anything, he is the total opposite of lazy or boring, he knows about construction, mechanic stuff, everything. He’s like a little box of gold. Anyway this amazed me so much, he just wiped me off my feet. We started dating about a week after meeting eachother, I said yes because I just couldn’t believe I had found someone like him, I just looked up to him, so unlike my old relationships, I accepted right away. & he asked me to be his girlfriend because he said he had felt something the moment he saw me, something he had never felt before ever. But I already had told him I was moving soon to the United States, he said he had plans of moving back too & that it wouldnt take long for us to be together again when I left. (He used to live in the us as well, back when he was stable & traveled, but due to a legal problem he moved to Mexico & lost everything) Anyway, I’m really going to try to make this as short as possible: when I met him he told me he wasnt a jelous guy, he has this way of getting stuff into my head, like I used to be so religious & in no time he convinced me that Jesus doesn’t exist. Now I dont believe in Jesus. Also he would tell me dont do this, dont do that, its embarrasing, a classy girl doesnt do that, but you know, obviously not like that, but in a sneaky kind of way, & I never said one word, I just listened to him, since he’s always told me that he used to be in this upper level & that he’s so mature. Like he always tells me he tells me stuff for my own good, thats he’s never gonna hurt me nor make me take a bad decision. 2 months after dating I came to the united states, while being in Mexico he had started to check my cellphone, even though I never gave him reasons to not trust me. But when I moved here, it all got worse, he has asked me for my facebook password, he wants to know everything I do, he’ll ask me those “tricky” questions, he will say “you look cute today” even though he cant see me! He says if we wanted to, he would pay someone to spy on me, we text all day, & skype at night, we talk on the phone. But we fight so much, because of his jelousy. I admit, I made a mistake about 3 weeks after coming here, he caught me on Omeggle.com. If no one knows what that is, it’s a site where you can use your webcam & random people all over the world use it, a lot of gross stuff is in there, but honestly I only used it 3 times, because of friends doing it, & I was curious, but i NEVER NEVER even did the minimum wrong thing on that site, but for him it was like the end of the world. & ever since that, he says he lost trust in me. He already prohibited me seing this old girlfriend I told him I used to have when I lived here, I deleted all of my friends from facebook & left myself with only 99, he asks me who every person I add is, & if I dont have a REAl TRUE reason to add any male person he gets mad. He has pretty much all of those signs above, & he always excuses himself saying it’s because I made him like that, that he’s never been like that, & because of the distance it’s gotten worse, he tells me my friends are bad influence & I’m never going to be a better person if I stay there, he says I’ll never find a person with his way of thinking. But since the first month I’ve been here, he told me to move back, move back with him since he doesnt know when he can move to the US with me. & I can’t leave my family, Ive only know him 4 months, I’m 19, I’ve never been away from my family. He says we fight because of the distance, & that if I dont move eventually we’ll break up. & he’s always saying he’s right because he’s had way more experience than me, & that I’m just too innocent. He says my family will always be my family, but he, well I could lose him. And I really dont want to move, but he’s pressuring me so much. I dont know what I should do. If you ask me if I love him, these months have made me love him less, he’s just too controlling, but then I think of when he says the great life he could give me, that he would take me to Paris & all of these places, I feel I’ll never find someone like him. Help, & thank you so much for reading!

  73. CommenTerri says:

    I am a little concerned that the direction of this article leads young women to believe that they can change an emotionally controlling man. Why not just encourage them to find a man of better substance, who is more deserving of their attention? If life has taught me anything, its that making men over is a fantasy best left to the movies. C’Mon Ladies! Hold out for an emotionally well rounded man instead of a fixer-upper!
    The fact of the matter is that a man of this type can do irreparable damage to your self-esteem and drive away everyone else who cares about you. Does that sound like love to you?

  74. Confused says:

    so what if your boyfriends says “most girlfriends would do this….” ex: I couldn’t let my boyfriend spend the night at my house because my parents said no but he spends each night back in the previous months and I couldn’t let him spend one night here and he said he got kicked put the house again but he’s in the house because I heard his grandma and he’s 18 and I’m 17. So my question is this emotionally abusive because he said that most girlfriends would’ve been devastated that their boyfriends are in the street. My parents had him spend more than a week at my house because he got kicked out. Am I at fault? Am I an awful girlfriend.

  75. Confused says:

    Another thing is that he had another kid by his ex which used to be my friend. he is nice treats me like a princess but then expects something in return. he doesn’t like my mom because she tells him he can’t stay over. so he calls her violent names and he says that I am caught up in my parents lies. that he still loves me even though im weak and can’t stand up for him.

  76. haley says:

    so me and my sister were on the phone with my boyfriend the other night and he was with his uncle..and they were doing something.then we started talking..and me an my sister said something..then he was like “Thats how you train them girls.” i was just like hang up the freakin phone.! cause ik i dont have 2 take crap like that i took time out of my day 2 talk 2 him..i dont have 2 talk 2 him if i dont wanna..i just cant believe he said that though..hes soo sweet an caring..and then that happened and now im having second thoughts..

  77. Girl says:

    I’m in a relationship with my boyfriend more than 2.5 years. I’m 19 and he’s 24. But in the last year I moved away to another country which has been a nightmare to me. We fight every single day because of his jealousy. I feel he loves to find wrong things about me. He checks my facebook account every hour, he gets upset when I chat with someone, or let me just say he doesn’t allow me to chat with anyone, even if it’s with my cousin. He demands me to tell him every update of my life. He always thinks I’m lying and he believes anyone except me, He says that because he loves me so much, he can’t help himself of being so jealous but I believe that it’s just his way of convincing me. My only way through him is by crying, even if I’m faking it. He forgets everything the moment I start to cry, then he becomes so lovely and nice for about couple of weeks, then the same movie starts to play. Well at least I found my way through him

  78. Putdowns. Mean. Hurtful. Please share your thoughts! says:

    Hello. I just recently broke up with my bf.. He was a sneaky emotion controlling bf. if I did something little that what clumsy he would instantly put me down and say your stupid your downsydrom (which I’m not) when in my eyes it’s not nessacury to put someone straight down like that. I wasn’t allowed to go out with my sister because he thought she was a bad influence and when I say he didn’t let me he would turn around and say because I’m not letting him go out with hes mates. It’s all my fault. When he was the first one to say it. I even said ok. Let’s change it & we can both go to town separate. But he’s response was its to late now. You ruined it for me now.. So it’s all my fault. He will say something like you dont deserve a kiss because you made me angry you dont deserve to be bought food or anything and its my fault because i made the argument aparnlty. I cant believe he treats me like that? I mean im not hes pet!!…… And When he’s nice and in a good mood he would tell me how beauitful I am and a angel and he’s one and only. Then when we argue it’s I’m stupid a whore a slut..he thinks I don’t understand things and says “let me put it simple for you because your just stupid” which hurts. He says that im social restarded that i cant even make friends that im a loser also says the typical you won’t find anyone who will put up with you. Your just a pretty face. You were a slut in the past (as in I’m just going to go back to that” my low self estem went down I pulled back my whole personality because I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone guys or be around guys because he didn’t like guys hitting on me without him there.. What a excuse right??. Iv been with him for 9months now and it’s only gotten like this the last few months. He ignores me and plays he’s games at night while I’m laying in bed waiting for him I fall asleep alone.. He says he trusts me he says I’m the love of he’s life. But look how he treats me! That is not love! I walked out of he’s house on Sunday because I was alone in he’s room while he was down stairs with mates ignored me the whole day (the only day we get together because we work) Im not putting up with it I need to be strong and leave him and this article helped so much!! Right now we both stil have in a relationship on Facebook but he hasn’t contacted me back from the breakup messages I sent him (whats new he never contacts me first) he doesn’t reply he ignores me when he’s angry. Hes words when we breakup is ( go if you want) im not going to chase you because youl be back once you realise you wont find anyone better) after writing all this down iv realised hes such a control freak asshole!! I am going to delete and block him out of my life!! Please if anyone has a simillar story a boyfriend that puts you down for no reason!!.. feel free to comment il like to hear if anyone else has gone through this! Thank you for reading

  79. WoW says:

    I like how ever blames the male. Females can be just as controlling as men. (I know this by actually experience.)

  80. Jake says:

    I don’t really need to trap you in your oxymorons here… You say in the very beginning that you should change these behavioris in him, and yet you end it with saying that no one should have to change for anyone. Perhaps you shouldn’t be viewing these individuals as assholes so much as victims of past cruelty at the hands of women? I am kind of an emotional manipulator. I am not a hardcore one, cause I don’t apply to a lot of these. Yes I have jealousy, even though I know I can trust my woman completely. It’s born from a life full of betrayals and abandonment because of women. Yes I need to know where she is and where she is going, but I don’t expect her to ask for permission. She can go where she wants, I just wanna know. Mainly cause I’m constantly afraid something will happen to make me lose her… Like car accident or something. (and not because I think anyone is a bad driver. the concept of accident is something that happens accidentally so I don’t judge anyone’s driving on it. I just know anything can happen and I’ve never been happier so I’m worried something will happen to it) anyways, the point I am here is because I’m trying to alter myself so that I don’t lose her… I’m trying to change because I’m needy and clingy and I kinda smother just because I feel perpetually insecure. I’m finding it hard to follow some of these articles cause I don’t know where generalizations stop and personal special cases begin. How do I know how my girl feels when she doesn’t like talking about things she is scared of, bothered by, or thinking about? She is a relatively closed person, and very loving. I know she loves me. I just want to make sure I’m not driving my feelings in too hard… So ya, just figured I’d point out that tad bit of hypocrasy, cause I find it unhelpful to women when you’re telling them “don’t change for the guy, but it’s fine to change the guy.” That’s double standards at its finest.

  81. lillybee says:

    another problem is that there are too many men out there with emotional issues. Is it nurture / nature or both?

  82. Sally says:

    My ex was just like this plus he was physically abusive, I left his arse 4 years ago and it was one of my better decisions in life.

    My current partner while nowhere near as bad as my ex can a bit controlling in regards to decision making, he must be “in charge” all the time and I allowed if for a while and now we’re in just over $1000 in debt because he neglected to pay the bills that he assumed the right to be charge of in the first place and I’ve had to take a stand, these bills are now being paid by both of us.

  83. Andrea says:

    I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 yrs now…He is so controlling he tells me I can’t answer the phone when “his” friends call,but the maddening part is his friends are my friends. We hang out together go out to eat and chill. Recently he has said his friends are not my friends,and I’m hurt by this. Also he won’t let me go out with my friends without him. He constantly is putting me down,and making me feel bad about myself. This does not feel like love it feels like control. I have told him he doesn’t control me…but things are not getting better. I need advice about how to break up with him. We live together,and he is on the lease …the only way to get him out of here is to get a restraining order,but I don’t want to do that please someone give me advice.

  84. Sad Girl Update says:

    Well he hasn’t changed so guess what? I am starting to abuse him really bad! And it feels damn good to control him and verbally abuse him. For all those times he made me feel like shit I am making him feel 100x worse! It feels soo fkn good! I feel so fked up for abusing him but all this depression and anxiety has built up so I just had that need to let it out! It feels damn good! I put him down, swear at him, tell him he is no man, control what he watches, who he talks to, which music he listens to, just like how he does to me! He needs to learn not to hurt me anymore! And he is changing, still he abuses/controls me but by me doing it back he understands that what he is doing is actually HURTFUL. It feel so good to not have HEAVY DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY ANYMORE. I will forever have them but me being a bitch to him is making it better! I can fkn breathe again! I feel so fkn happy.

  85. Sad Girl Update says:

    If you are in love with ur abusive shithole of a partner and can’t let go… then do what I am doing! ABUSE THEM BACK, MAKE THEM FEEL WORTHLESS, LIKE SHIT, PUT THEM DOWN AND CONTROL EVERY LITTLE THING THEY DO. THEY FKN DESERVE IT!

  86. Eric says:

    From the insecure guy: advice on how to not be insecure would be helpful.
    If you want an origin, I’d likely say that I come from a line (father, grandfather) who are insecure and apt at making their children insecure. I need to break the chain.

  87. Ellomore says:

    Please tell us how to get out cause I have ran out of ideas? Ang one can help me please im missable and my kids are suffering because of it thanx guys.

  88. Justin says:

    Yay i just found out that i am a controlling guy…………. When you find out that your girlfriend is talking to another guy in a dirty manner she feels bad and does it again. So ya i guess it makes me a controlling guy for catching her and it makes me a controlling guy that i prevent her from seeing this guy that she had sexual feelings for. Girls seriously a little guys prospective Do not say i love you and i want to be with you for the rest of my life if you are attracted to another guy. Because then it turns us in to the 15 steps….

  89. Jess says:

    But what I you both possess these attributes?

    Reading through this list, I thought of either him or myself when things seemed a bit too familiar. Double negative? Two wrongs making a right? Help!

  90. Chelsea says:

    I just got out of a controlling relationship. He treated me like a princess at first. When problems started happening it was “all my fault” and “I’m the one who needed to change.” After being together for a year it progressively got worse. He could do whatever he wanted, whenever, and I was totally fine with it. He wouldn’t let me talk to my closest friends, including girls, and a gay friend I have. But, he’d have his girl “friends” stay over at his house. At times it felt like he hung out with them more than me. He’d question me constantly and tell me I should’ve done things differently. It was a bunch of double standards. I never did anything to make him not trust me. I felt I could never talk to him about anything. He acknowledged he was jealous but blamed me for it, saying I handled his jealousy wrong, and completely denied being controlling, saying “I chose to stop talking to my friends.” Even though I kind of did, I felt I didn’t have much of a choice. He also held grudges, even for the smallest, stupidest things. There’s no changing someone like this. I do love him, more than anything. It is hard and I do miss things about him, but it’s a lot less stressful. I know I’ll be happier in the end and I wish I put a stop to it months ago when I started noticing it. No matter what you say or do it’s “always your fault.” Get out of the relationship as soon as you notice it. It doesn’t get better.

  91. paula says:

    I am with one of these controlling boyfriends too difference is he took on my 2 children and I feel asif I owe him now he’s been so good to me he smokes weed and recently he’s started smoking daily we row all the time he hasn’t hit me but he puts his fist to my face or he grabs me by the throat he’s dragged me out the room by my hair once in front my son it is scary but now I’m having his child I was on the pill anyway I feel like I won’t be able to do it on my own but yeah rows he will ttwist even if he starts them he won’t let me go out saying if I do he will lock the door and not let me in when he goes out he will lock the doors this is all when kids aren’t here as their at their dads he also has a secret over me that whenever we row he threatens to tell people and that would be it not friends nothing he calls them sluts and says I will slut about if go out with them I don’t know what to do either but leaving isn’t a option and he knows he controls me because tonight he turned round and said I own you.. Its one rule for them another for us if I go out I get bitched at told I ignore him etc but he gets to go out when he can x

  92. b says:

    Ive been in a bad relationship for over 8yrs and I can’t seem to break free he has punched me choked me kicked me bit me and has even thrown me out of a moving car he calls me whore slut bitch skank dirty he breaks my things even totaled one of my trucks I dont allow him to live in my house or use my vehicles anymore I want to move on but always constantly looking over my shoulder the distance ive have put between is good just he is so unpredictable

  93. c says:

    All I need to know is- what are you supposed to do in this situation? It may seem like the obvious answer is to break up, but everyone knows how hard it is to do that when you’re still so in love and you can’t help it. How do you get past this? Can you turn the tables on them?

  94. Bill says:

    My girlfriend thinks this is me, and I’ve told her I agree. Everytime we work things out after an argument and we are getting along again it’s like we’re back in love all over it’s awesome, but then she will hide something from me eg; drugs or money or she will lie to my face about something. All these signs to me are about trust. They don’t just apply for men but for women too, I trust my girlfriend , and I love her, but because I’ve been let down by her so many times it’s hard to get back on my feet again, if you know what I mean. I love her and I have faith it can work, I never want either of us to split, but of we do I’m sure we would remain friends even though we’re both crazy ha

  95. confused says:

    I think I need help. I have been with this guy for almost 2 yrs now
    1. it was perfect initially. But with time, he was become over protective. When i ask y he changed, he says that its bcoz i love u more now. he says he wants to marry me. the idea of marrying him scares me.
    2. I think i have changed myself a lot bcoz of him. he is a male chauvinist to some extent and i m a feminist (atleast i like to think i am).
    3. he wants me to ask him everytime i go out, everytime i step out of my home. he wants to see all the places i go to alone to “judge whether they r safe enough for me or not”.
    3. He expects me no to go to parties. And if i do, it just ends up in huge fights.
    4. He expects me to take his calls whenever he calls even if i am with my friends. But the same doe snot apply to him bcoz apparently his friends are better than mine.
    5. He wants me to take his permission for everything- even something as stupid as opening a blog.
    6. I am not in contact with any guy bcoz he doesnt like it.
    7. When i changed my number he didnt want any guy to have it.
    8. everytime i try to talk to him about this, or try to break up with him, he says something emotional and being the emotional fool that i am, I end up going back to him.
    I really need help. I love him a lot. Should i continue in this relationship?

  96. Becky says:

    If you are in a relationship with a controlling boyfriend or girlfriend, please get out now. You cannot change them. In my experience, talking to them about it doesn’t help since they often think they are perfect and you are crazy for thinking that they are controlling. They perceive their behavior as caring. They think they are looking out for your best interest and you should do what they say because of it.

    How do you get out? Tell them firmly that you want to break up and that you no longer have feelings for them. If they ask for a reason, then tell them that they are way too controlling and jealous. To take some of the sting out of that comment, say that you know they probably mean well, but the fact is you are not happy with the situation and that it is not fair to them if you stay in a relationship when you don’t love them anymore. Say that you two are just not compatible and that it’s best if you two go your separate ways.

    Before breaking up, tell your friends and family where you are going to be and what you are going to do in case anything happens. I would bring a tough-looking man with you as backup if you are dealing with a violent soon-to-be ex. Alternatively, you could break up with him in a public place (preferably near a police or fire station).

  97. Sarah Smith says:

    I am actually going through this right now. My boyfriend controls everything I do and he’s always so “right” so today I put a stop to it. It was extremely hard I’m upset but I did what was best for me. I’m young (16) and I could really see and Future with him and then my sister had a talk with me about losing my friends over a guy, knowing I haven’t seen my friends in months because my boyfriend didn’t like it. I tried to talk to him about me going out and hang out with my friends while he was with his friends and it is always a big ordeal so I walked away from this relationship. It’s hard but if they aren’t changing then why stay in a relationship with out him trusting you? A relationship is based off trust and if there is none then you don’t have a good relationship

  98. Kiara says:

    Im going through this right now. :'(
    He forces me to do whateve HE wants me to do. He doesnt trust me and stops me from
    Talking to any guy. Even If i accidently talk to some guy for some reason then he’d get madddd and he’d over react and make me feel quilty and low.
    But he really loves me & i love him ALOT too.
    What do i do? :'(

  99. Sad Girl Update says:

    I broke up with him about a month ago. We tried being friends but it didn’t work. He still controlled me, abused me… I finally had the courage to tell him yesterday that we need to part ways as he was still controlling me. All this abuse made me fall out of love with him. That was the only reason I was able to break up with him. I miss him. I care for him. But the love isn’t there. The relationship was dead months ago. Please, before falling deeply in love, please break up. You will end up like me, 2 years of mental torture. Please. Let go.

    I feel as if 2 years of my life has been wasted. It’s so hard to move on. I’m only 16. I hope to never fall in love again.

    Good luck everyone. Make the right decision.

  100. sam says:

    I’ve been in a LDR with my bf for a year. We live a few hundred miles away and see each other every weekend. I’m thankful I found this site. My bf has almost all of these signs. I didn’t even realize he was controlling. I’m not even sure he knows. It’s so subtle. When we first got together he treated me like a princess and for the most part still does. The first 6 months were great and then I noticed a change in myself. I went from being carefree and happy to insecure and having severe anxiety.

    He is very loving and kind to me but some of the things he does really bother me. For instance I started to notice that when we are in the grocery store and I offer to go a few aisles to get a few things on the list he says no wait for me. I used to love that we cooked together until he started telling me how to put the ingredients in. He will literally make most of the food. Don’t get me wrong, I like that he cooks but I feel like I’m not doing it right and frankly it’s getting irritating. He likes to suggest how suggest everything from what color coat I should buy to the proper way to bleach my teeth. It’s like he is just trying to be helpful and I didn’t realize I was being controlled. I’m starting the feel like a child.

    Anytime we have a fight he says he cant do this again. To me it’s a veiled threat he will break up with me and causes me not to trust him or our relationship. We had an argument last weekend and he punched a wall in the garage and threw a glass against the wall. I’ve been sick to my stomach for a few days and reading this article and the comments make me feel like I’m not crazy.

    I now realize that I have lost myself. I’m not the same person I was a year ago and I want me back. I’m going to start spending quality time with my daughter and friends.

  101. Kiara says:

    I really need help with this one. Please help 🙁

  102. Elena says:

    @Kiara.. Hey I totally understand what you mean.. I’ve been there. but like I said earlier, he’ll not like it if you change. Has he stopped talking to girls after he started dating you? I bet he hasn’t. I bet he doesn’t do anything he asks you to do. If you really love him, DON’T CHANGE!! I am filled with regrets myself. He says he did all that to make me more confident.. but honestly, it’s working the other way around. now suddenly he is ok if I talk to other boys.. He even told me once, that if i slept with some other guy to be happy, he is fine with it. this guy used to hate it when I talked to my colleagues (we used to work together). It feels so terrible when he says all that.. Yea he still cares but I don’t think he loves me anymore.. Someone who loves you won’t have problems with everything you do. I realised there is no way to keep him happy cos he’ll complain.. trying hard to stay strong now. 🙁

  103. Miss Sue says:

    To M.S.C.G., I have one too. My solution might not work for you though. I have told my BF that we are not moving in or getting married until he stops treating me like a poodle. I have also gotten to the point that I tell him “I’m going go to do X because I want to. Are you coming with or staying here? ” It has been ruffling feathers but it goes both ways, we should both be happy. If he makes me cry I have a rule he is unaware of that I don’t talk to him for 2 days at least.
    I put a filter on his emails so that they bypass my Inbox and go straight to their own folder. I only check that folder when I have the energy to deal with him or if everything has been quiet lately.
    I put an extremely quiet ring tone to his number on my phone so I can easily ignore the frequent phone calls & focus on work. In the beginning he asked why I was suddenly missing so many of his calls and told him I was in meetings or in the bathroom or that I forgot the phone (sometimes those are true).
    He has been getting better. these measures have made our relationship move backward a bit however, it’s better then giving up & always wondering what if I have tried… if he wants to be part of my life then he should treat me as good as I treat him. We do get along extremely well most of the time.
    Note: He does not have access to any of my finances and if he wants to contribute to my lifestyle he gives me the money which I can put in my bank or whatever. I work very hard to stay independent because of the controlling attitude that flares up. He throws any & all tedious expenses and gifts in my face when he’s angry. It’s sad.

  104. Nikkki says:

    I need help and fast! Iv been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years and it’s killing me. He constantly calls me a fat slut etc because he knows it upsets me. He forces me to have types of sex I don’t want to and is never bothered about how it feels to me (even if I bleed etc) I’m 27 and feel totally lost. I love him to pieces but I don’t understand why he gets do angry. He claims he hasn’t hit me because he reckons hes never punched me which he has. He doesn’t beat me up or anything but foes it hard enough to stun me and make me cry. He does this after a arguement if I stand up for myself or I annoy him to much. I go out of my way for him but it’s still not enough and I try to talk to him about it but he ignores me . I’m so confused and don’t know what to do and I can’t talk to anyone! Most of the time he’s lovely even though he is tight with money and beans me a gold digger but some times he acts crazy! WHAT DO I DO?

  105. Concerned Mama says:

    This is my 18 yr olds booyfriend to a tee…. Im scared for her and now he’s turning her against her friends and family, including me and her father 🙁 What can I do? besides showing her this article, thats #1….

  106. Laura Hutchinson says:

    My boyfriend is every one of these things (apart from stalking me, I think!) However he does not believe he’s controlling in the slightest. If I ever try to talk to him about ANY of these issues he cleverly manages to twist what I say, & the point I’m trying to make gets completely lost & he manages to steer the conversation in his favour. I’m utterly sick of being in a relationship where I can’t be myself, or make myself heard. To everyone else he seems like a great guy but underneath he can be truly horrible. We’ve been together 5 years & own a house together. We’ve talked about getting married etc but I don’t know if I can face a lifetime of his controlling nature. I really do love him, & I’m not doubting whether he loved me, but I’m so tired of him putting me down (not that he realises he’s doing it) & making me feel like I’m treading on eggshells around him. I’ve never met someone so demanding & no-one has made me cry as much as he has, but of course I can’t cry infront of him as he thinks I’m ‘weak’, so I cry alone. I know I’ve rambled in this post but I feel trapped & so unhappy, I just cannot bear him anymore.

  107. Married Man says:

    Some of this sounds like my Wife!

  108. Megan says:

    Wow, far too many of these are true for my situation. I love him dearly but I am reaching a point where I can see why they say love isn’t enough. It isn’t enough, not if you are miserable and he has all the control. What is there to be done? You are miserable if you stay but you have bright moments and there is hope for the future. If you leave it would be to admit defeat to turn your back on hope and break your heart to never be a part of his life again. There is no choice that does not come without immense pain. 🙁

  109. Kiara says:

    @Elena : aw thats sad :(<3
    And yes he DID stop me from talking to girls as well. Because he feels that i dont need to talk to anyone else but him. And its not that he talks to everyone and stops ME from taking to others. He also got out of all his friends' contact and has stoppped talking to anyone..be it guys or girls!
    But thats way he CHOSE to do, i did not tell him to stop all that. But in my case, he forced me to stop being in contact with friends and all. Thats not right 🙁
    Its true that i lovee him alot and we just need each other, BUT EVERYONE NEEEDS FRIENDSSSS RIGHT?:( what should i do?

  110. Isabel says:

    I just broke up with my boyfriend, I honestly thought he was going to be the one I was going to marry, but not until after I broke it off did I realize how much he wanted to control me. He had made it seem like decisions I was making were horrible and that I was not going to go anywhere in life and that if he were to marry me I would bring him down. He basically told me he was not going to support me no matter what which made me mad because I supported no matter what even if I did not agree, he is a 27 yr old man that after graduating college at 24 decided to stay at a retail store because he was afraid of pursuing an actual career and now that he has money to actually move out to an apartment comfortably says he does not want to do that because it will set him back. He is just a big baby pushing his insecurities on to me and make me seem like the bad person. Oh yeah and I remember the one thing I asked him was why does he never take any of my advice when I always take his and I have changed so much for him why cant he do the same for me, his answer was you’re right I have never taken any of your advice, but its because I am too old to change. What a douche he just used it all as an excuse to be single and do what he wanted im never listening to guy ever again when he says im the one he wants to marry and that I am perfect for him and never trust a guy that cries when you try to break up with him, they’re just alligator tears. im glad I read this article makes me feel better about my decision. 😀

  111. Katalinda says:

    I need help so much I love my boyfriend so much I been going out with him for a 1 yes & 3 months but I can’t make my own decisions without him breaking down crying say you don’t care about my opinions why are you doin this is stupid it’s ugly blah Kabbalah all this stuff & I want I hang out with my friends without him callin or texting my every 10 minutes! But I need help with is when he says that I don’t care about his opinions I say I take them in consideration but he says yeah but it’s like you don’t care about me. SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE <3

  112. Brian says:

    I don’t agree with this. It’s so general and presumptuous. I care about my girlfriend, so yeah I’m gonna ask her to do things that I feel she should do. If I didn’t care, then I wouldn’t care what she did. No one is perfect just the way they are, so they should be willing to change to better themselves(especially for the love of their life) or even just to make their partner happy. If a girl feels as though I’m trying to “change” her because I want what’s best for her, then maybe she needs to be single. If I can’t express my feelings to my girlfriend, without her feeling like I’m trying to “control” her, then I don’t want her as a girlfriend anymore. I hope people don’t actually believe this.

  113. Brian says:

    Sure, if the person really is trying to control your every move then take the necessary steps, but if it’s just that someone cares about you and wants what’s best for you then don’t blow it out of proportion. Girls, if you want to do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it, then please be single! You can’t just do whatever you want and not answer to anyone while in a relationship! This goes applies to guys also. Please think about my comments before assuming your boyfriend is “controlling.”

  114. Quite normal unless excessive says:

    Well, a disclaimer should be put up that controlling should be considered only when at least 10 of these behaviours are exhibited.

    Anything less is normal and what girls normally find attractive (cos it demonstrates a backbone in these guys when it comes to what they want)

    In a relationship, many of these things occur because of genuine emotions in terms of fidelity and communication.

    When a guy cares about his girl, he knows when she has screwed up before, and whether or not she has changed. She doesn’t always know how other guys think and tend to view them rather innocently sometimes, and this is potentially dangerous.

    A girl may think she’s having fun flirting and doing silly things most times. Until shit hits the fan.

    It’s fun. Until shit hits the fan.

    Guys who have experienced shit hitting the fan tend to try to ‘prevent’ that from happening.

    Naturally, stopping those things may take the fun outa most other things.

    If you experience these behaviours cos of those reason, then they are reasonable.

    If the reason is retarded, then the dood is retarded, and yes, go ahead and leave.

  115. Michelle says:

    WOW!!!! That’s my ex partner every word of it word for word!!! I was in that for 8 years, I feel emotionally drained………….cant think straight like I have him on my brain constantly picking at me telling me all my flaws. I cant even think straight i’ve forgotten how to smile and laugh because he isn’t here telling me when I can or not. I knew something was seriously up, cause I feel like im nothing without him, worthless, useless unloved and unwanted by everyone, not good enough. I cant trust anyone, im lost 🙁

  116. ashley says:

    I have been living with this situation for so long. I feel trapped -.- and it is so annoying. If I am asleep and I do not answer I get over 50 calls and many texts until I wake up…. But ofcourse it is my fault, I let it get this.. by always “feeling bad for him, oh but he loves me so much ” …. smothered.

  117. Niki says:

    I have been in a very bad domestic relationship before for ten years and manages to leave two years ago I’m in a new relationship now but he confuses me I don’t know if I’m looking for a fault or there actually is one. He has changes over time he callse thick and stupid all the time he never goes out now and now I feel I cart if I do go some where he thinks I’m lieing. He has only told me he loves me a few times he doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve I know that but I feel I’m begging him all the time to say it is this man controlling or possessive

  118. Thomas says:

    Hi my name is Thomas, and I feel like I am most of these but not to the all the extremes mentioned. I know I am a emotionally controlling boyfriend but I have changed so it is possible. Thing is shes changing, and has changed a lot from who she was when I first met her. She was broken… her uncle and grampa passed away the year i met her, and I helped to get her to stop cutting her self, and quit trying to commit suicide. Everytime she tried she failed thank god… She didnt have many friends, none really close ones, she found out they were all fake and was insecure about herself, We have been together for 2.5 years now, and love eachother very much. So our problem is we fight a lot, argue w.e. She never tells me everything I want to know like she answers questions i have partially or not at all. Or lets say we’re going to hangout, and ill ask when and where, and shell say timmies.. and im stuck wondering ok what time? But its with everything. She’s started working at a fast food place, her first real job, and has been there for 6months almost. She is friends with all the people there now, and really good friends with mostly everyone. This was new to me, since I pretty much lost my friends to her ina way. So for a long time 1 year or so it was always us together, we only hang out on sundays n sometimes =during the week, not like other people where theyre with their partner nearly 247. So she got these friends, and including guys which at first was like woah but i changed stopped being jealous, And shes been changing more and more which wehave fights about. For example When we first met after 2 months i said hi instead of heyy, she told me she thought i was mad because hi through text makes her think the person is angry so every since then we’ve always said heyy <3 (i know stupid to other people but w.e aha) And yesterday after messaging her heyy<3 she said hi<3 …. and i asked if she was mad or angry n she said no, and some how it ended up in an arguement about the reason for why she said that, and its just so stupid but i can't help but feel angry anymore. We are rarely happy anymore, and im leaving for a couple months, and possibly going to be gone for 3-4 years from the same province as her but have visits in between. I hate texting but thats all we can really do since shes too busy, and her parents don't allow her on the phone for longer than 15mins….. also im 18 shes 17. Jeeezus i write a lot. Please help

  119. Dawn says:

    Well I just read this and it has perfectly described my relationship of a year I know he can be an awesome person and I hope showing him this will open his eyes and he can fix these issues for our relationship or get mad and leave so I don’t have to deal with the INSANITY anymore I also have a young child and I don’t want her to see mommy get hurt by mean boys anymore…

  120. Wakeup says:

    You guys need to WAKE up this is NOT controlling, are you kidding me? I’m a girl and I would go nuts if my guy went out and didn’t tell me ! Anyone would! Ugh these articals are so dumb!

  121. Karen says:

    What I have learned through time is do not change yourself to much for any man you are not married to. I dropped out of college to help the boyfreind I lived with run his business, as there was not time for me to do both. I also had my own business to run so I could pay my own expenses. At the end of 6 years our relationship ended. The marriage we talked about never happened. My college degree never happened. Luckily I had continued my career dring the 6 years with him so I still had a way to support myself. Even though the entire 6 years with him he complained my continuing to keep my own career was a problem for our relationship and that I should stop work, just work for his business only. If I had done that, he would have left me penniless and homeless in the end. And yes, they cry and act heartbroken, make you think it’s all your fault for any problems in the realtionship, and want you to drop your freinds and relatives they do not approve of.

  122. Feeling Anxious says:

    Tika, leave him!! Nobody deserves that.
    I have a difficult situation!! my boyfriend’s been controlling but has changed a lot and we really love each other and see each other almost every day. I’ve almost left him before and he’s promised that he’ll treat me so good. I love him so much i could cry. I’m just afraid that he might be bad for me even though he doesn’t mean it and doesn’t want anything but good for me. He still sometimes seems like he’s mad at me but when i ask about it, he says he’s not mad. But he still loooks at me like i’ve done something wrong. Sometimes i’m feeling really happy and when i look at him he just looks so negative that it kills my mood. Last night when he came over i didn’t really wanna kiss him because we’d had a fight earlier but i’d wanted his company and to see how he is so i invited him to my place. I hugged him when he came in and I was nice to him and later he looked at me like he hated me again. I told him that I can’t take it and he went to bed and said “babe I’m feelin a bit sad can you come here and comfort me?” and I knew he was just trying to control me wheter he knows it or not so I said no I’m watcing a movie. Then he said later on that it’s my fault he was lookin at me mad cause I’d been cold towards him when he came in.
    It’s so hard knowing what to do. I’m so in love with him but I don’t wanna lose myself or become someone I don’t like. He also doesn’t seem to be taking control over his own life. I’ve told him before that I want there to be other good things in his life than just me. He has a few friends, a job that stresses him too much and he lives on his own. After work he just plays videogames most of the time. He’s handsome and nice but I know he is insecure and that’s something only he can change but I don’t think he realizes that (even though I’ve told him so many times)
    He also complains a lot about things that he can’t change like laws and he complains about politics and he says it’s debating… I’ve told him that it’s not nice to listen to that every week (most of the time it’s the same things he complains about) and he’s almost stopped it completely. He has after that complained about some laws of a country we’re going to visit and how if you rent a car, cops can just pull you over and we’d have to give them some cash and i said “you don’t have to worry about that we don’t need to rent a car anyways it’s cool i’ve been there” he just got mad at me for not being nice. And the place is for tourists and he’s just never really travelled and made the whole place sound like a shitty place. I’m so tired of this because i’m a very positive person but I do think this telationship has changed me and it’s a bit harder for me now to love myself completely. In the beginning he was mean to me sometimes and i didn’t leave him right away I just made him stop it. He has become much better but i don’t know if it’s enough. He does want to change he just doesn’t take as much responsibility of it as i would like. Do you think I should leave him? I do also feel sorry for him sometimes. And he has told me I’m the most beautiful girl in the worls and he loves me with all of his heart I don’t know what to do what do you think??? He also calles me with cute but not respectful names that are really how you would talk to a baby and I’ve told him to stopt it but he won’t stop itt… Now I’m just feeling like dumping him

  123. Jessica says:

    This sounds like my boyfriend. It’s like every argument we have is my fault. And I try to do things for him like cook and he’s like “aw babe you don’t know how cook I’ll help.” And I get mad and telling him he’s making feel bad and he says “but I just wanted to cook together”. So I’ll let him cook on his own, but when I want to cook its “let’s do it together” I’m currently in an argument now about his attitude and it escalated into something bigger and it’s my fault! I’m the one who’s a total mess while he’s the one treating me like crap. Saying he’s “doing this on purpose because he’s mad” I’m so tired of crying these past few days that I’m seriously thinking of calling it quits.

  124. Henry says:

    This article was obviously written by a woman. Truth is, men can do what we like. That’s how we roll but women need to follow more strict rules which they don’t always do…

    Basically, men should be a little bit controlling to show the women how to get through life

  125. jade says:

    I feel even more depress because im being controlled, i cant go anywhere besides go to work and go home. I keep getting hit by him for no reason. i need help.

  126. Valdyr says:

    I have read a lot of articles on this site, and I realised that my situation is even worse than I thought (which was pretty bad to begin with). Judging by the quality of the articles, I presume you have psychologists or some kind of specialists to write them. Is there any way I could chat with one of your specialists ? It would help me a lot, I need advices, I am at a huge crossroad in my life, and I don’t know what to do. I am not a teenager, I am 28, so don’t think that I’m just a kid who cries over nothing. I’m not a weak person (at least didn’t used to be, last time I recognised myself in the mirror), and my story is not just the every-day common drama. I feel a big turning point coming up my way, I have to change something, I just don’t know which way to go. Because every way involves certain big loses, traded for some gains,concerning my principles, my way of life and my soul. I just don’t want to hate myself in the end and I don’t want to cause suffering to innocents. And I would dare to also target to that bonus called “happiness”, but that’s a whole other story. I would like, if you could help me, to chat with the one of the peoples that write your articles. They are doing a great job. Thank you in advance.

  127. Me says:

    After three years of feeling like I was worthles, feeling like I had no social life because if I went out or even did something different than the norm I would be shouted at, sworn at and accused of making him feel ill I finally said enough was enough the other week.
    All my friends would tell me he was manipulating me and I would say no he loves me he wouldn’t hurt me and I ignored them. When I finally walked away all my friends were so relieved saying they were just waiting for me to realise myself what he was doing.
    Yes it hurts like crazy to love some one but know that they can’t respect you that much if they are doing this to you, it hurts knowing there is nothing I can do to change it around and that I feel like i’ve lost my best friend but then he made me his best friend and I didn’t speak to my friends for so long because of him.
    I feel a mix of emotions, anger that he did this to me and anger because I allowed it to happen and sadness because he became my world and now i’ve got to create a new one which is frightening. He tried to manipulate me last nightwhen he text me and when he realised it wasn’t going to work he said “well that didn’t work” and the next text was him saying he was going to be ill. I have ignored it because I know i’m not the only one there for him there is his family and I think I would only be hurting myself by doing so. This article has just made me realise that everything I felt was happening was actually happening, I wasn’t just making it up. I wont ever allow a man to manipulate me ever again like this and I hope this article will make women beome empowered

  128. Savanna Baker says:

    My boyfriend has every one of these signs. I love him to death and I find myself not wanting to be without him. I just know BC of these we won’t make it, I’ve already lot friends for him. I out him first and maybe that’s a bad thing.

  129. Lorraine says:

    I’m so confused. My boyfriend is definitely emotionally controlling. It’s hard because everything I do is wrong in his eyes. I want to make him happy, proud of me. But I don’t want to change who I am. I often wonder how we can both be happy at the same time, I can’t believe that only one of us can be happy at a time. Plus, it’s not like I don’t want what’s best for him. I keep pushing him get a better career but he just keeps pushing it off to the side and saying he will, he will. Time keeps passing by, and nothing is changing. He is a very jealous boyfriend, who wants my undivided attention, he doesn’t even like the fact that I give attention to my dog when he was around, or even when he’s not. If I pet my dog, kiss, feed, or walk my dog it displeases him and he gets upset at me. If I don’t go and see him he gets upset. I always have to go to him, every now and then he comes to me but it is too much effort for him, and he always made excuses like he couldn’t catch the bus soon enough to pick up his little sisters from school. But if he really wanted to see me, wouldn’t he figure it out? It shouldn’t be my job to always come to him. He expects me to always know what he wants, and when he wants
    it. What he doesn’t understand is that I’m not a mind reader. I can’t know everything, and even if you keep telling me something I’m still going to think about his emotions. Is he too tired to go out? I wonder why he finds it bad that I ask if he wants to go out, he expects me to COMMAND that we are going out, not to ask. But in my eyes that’s completely the wrong way to go about things. I love him but I don’t know if I should stay with him because I wonder if our life will be a happy one. But I’m so concerned that without me he will hurt himself and his family and not go anywhere in his life. I feel hurt by him all the time because he’s always commenting on how I dress, saying I show too much skin or my shirts are too low cut(which my shirts are decent) or when I bend over everyone can see everything, which I barely ever bend over and when I do I’m not facing anyone but HIM. I don’t feel like I’ll ever be good enough for him in his eyes, but I know that I’m fine how I am. I’m not some broken down whore that needs to be remodeled. He doesn’t like it when I don’t tell him things right away, he gets upset. He gets upset at everything, and I mean everything… what should I do?

  130. Sean says:

    Here’s a tip to any guys reading this, or any girls that are going through this,
    I myself have done each and everyone of these things to the girl I’m deeply in love with, I know most of your boyfriends won’t see no matter how much you mention it or try to talk to them about it. You need to build yourselfs up strong girls and put them on literal last chance. It’s been done to me and now I’m tearing myself up about how bad I was, I feel sick and disgusted by myself, but it also made me realise that I need to change, I no longer want to be that monster I was before because I don’t want to hurt the one I love,
    Make them feel the pain of not having you there and the pain of what they have done to you…..
    If you know in your hearts that you love them then give them the chance but if any signs of any controlling again, just go.

    From personal experience, I know more than ever that I want to change and that I want thigs to be different, so if there are any guys reading this,
    Sort it out,

  131. GOOD ADVICE says:

    Hey Gurls,
    Im feeling your pain. The thing is that YOU MUST go with your GUT FEELING! Your confused but there has got to be a reason why your feeling like this! LISTEN TO IT!! This comes with RESPECTING YOURSELF. My EX had ALL of these signs. But I couldnt except that because I was so caught up on him, his friends, his world and mine entertwined. He did EVERYTHING A GIRL WOULD WANT! Plan special outings and birthdays for me, buy me extravagant and thoughtful gifts. He also was my 1st. He, in my eyes, was perfect. EXCEPT for this control his need for control. He NEVER made scence and ALWAYS yalked in CIRCLES to confuse me!!! I FREAKIN had EX GFs WARN me about this behavior and I still didnt want to listen!!! and my own FAMILY had told me he was this kind of guy too! I tried to brake up with him before explaining the control freak situation but it had no long term effect on him and he wheaseled his way back! I KNEW IN MY HEART THIS WAS SO WRONG butI just couldnt find the strenght until Spring Break when he just copped an attitude cuz I didnt satisfy his “NEEDS”.. I avoided him for a few days and relized that I DONT HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING HE SAYS! and I DONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH HIS B.S. EITHER!! So just recently broke up with HIM of 2 years.Its only been a week and Im not going to lie. Ive cried and felt terrible that I would NEVER see him again. But I would feel WORSE if I stayed. lost, hopeless and trapped, belittled and friendless. IF you stay… EXPECT this FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. If you leave,yah youll cry, be deprssed and miss him/her BUT! This mourning will NOT LAST FOREVER! YOU WILL HEAL:) and start to feel whole again. No one deserves to be treated like this. (the sad thing is that they were probably once treated this way and learned it from someone they knew or know.)
    I still care for him and I hope he relizes what hes doing and that this is the reason that all his relationship fails and get some help before he puts this on some other poor girl.
    And GURLs. If your still with your controlling man and for some reason still want to stay, my advice to you is TEACH THE GUYS THE WAY YOU SHOULD BE TREATED. If he starts with that controlling behavior, NIP IT IN THE BUD! TELL HIM WHATS UP! if he still does it… he doesnt respect you and NEVER will..
    And to those girls who are thinking about breaking up… Just take some time away (like a day or so so he cant put his imput) and really think about HOW YOU FEEL

  132. A says:

    I just want to let anyone who is reading this right now that I can relate. No one on this page is alone in the situation. You have no idea how many times I’ve heard “You need to leave him NOW.” It’s harder then it seems when you’ve been with this person for over a year. I know I need to leave him.. he does every single one of the signs. I’m sick of this sh*t and I’m done. The thing is I just don’t know how to get myself to actually leave…

  133. ashly says:

    Im in the same situations. My boyfirend does almost all of the above. Besides the stalking part. We dont live together right now. Im actually staying with my grandmother while I continue college until i get a job. But every single time i leave his house he throws a fit. and starts arguements with me. I cant even see family without him throwing a fit. My sister invited me to go hiking and when he asked me to come to his house i said i couldnt im spending the day with my sister. He throws a fit and acts depresed. I do care about him but he makes it so hard to have a normal life. Everytime I leave his house he causes arguments and brings up my past and thows it in my face. And i dont have the best past but still. He acts like I have to be attatched to his hip. He gets pissy if i dont envite him to do things. Then he goes on and on and on about how maybe we should break up then guilt trips me and makes it my fault. I dont know what to do. I know his mother recently passed away and i understand that. But he wont get help, he’s constantly talking about how his life is shit and he doesnt want to be here. He constantly demands and makes things into my fault, im failying my classes because of him. I dont know what to do anymore. its constantly draining.

  134. Jess says:

    My friend is in a controlling relationship. What can I do to help her see this? She has a child with him and another child from a previous relationship. He makes ALL decisions about their child and they argue if she allows her child to do anything, such as see biological father, grandparents, etc. He’s an expert on everything, she knows nothing. She isn’t allowed any time to herself to spend with friends, coworkers, family. He decides what they eat. They rarely ever go anywhere. He is always on her about money, she doesn’t make enough. She has made comments about a few things, but doesn’t seem to see the BIG picture – that he controls everything in her life. I try to be a good listener and never say anything negative, but feel like I’m loosing a friend that I’ve felt was like a sister. The longer they are together, the worse it has gotten. Her parents & sisters have the same concerns but none of us know how to approach the situation. Help!

  135. Lala says:

    Comment getting out is so difficult. Last night I went out with my friends,my boyfriend knew who I was with and where I was.when I told him I arrived home safely,he says he wonders if I am really at home and I lost it. He wants to marry me,and I want the same,but it is terrifying.I try to live up to his expectations but it is never enough.he doesn’t like my friends,if I miss his calls he gets mad,he always thinks I am cheating.I feel lost,but I love him dearly,I tried breaking up but everytime he becomes loving and caring that we end up not breaking up

  136. Joe says:

    So the other night I pull the chair out for my GF at dinner like I’ve done for months. She bit my head off in front of the whole restuarant and yelled at me saying how did I know where she wanted to sit? This is very unusual, I asked what made her upset with this and she said it just reminded her of her ex husbands controlling behavior. Then she said that her and I are both controlling and need to work on it. I started doing research and came across several good articles on the subject here.

    I can in all honesty say I’m the opposite of this article. While she has in recent months became much more in line with the signs listed above. She told he that she had issues with jealousy and control, which are becoming increasing apparent. It’s very confusing, I give her all the space to spend time with friends, I don’t call or text her constantly. I’ve always respected her privacy. If she has issues with work or life I ask her quality questions and at the end she either says she feels better or I let her ask my advice before I give it.

    Maybe there is something else going on that doesn’t directly involve me. Her ex husband recently remarried and she started breaking dates, been less communicative, and very critical. I recently got a promotion and text her as soon as I heard. The only thing she said was, oh good…via a text, and never mentioned it again. We went to dinner the other night and I was litterally 3 min late and she interogated me for 10min on who I was with. Its like she said I’m controlling just so I would look it up and see her exact behavior.

  137. feefee says:

    All these signs do exist in my so called long distance complicated relationship with this messed up situation boyfriend. There are times where I miss hear his questions then all of a sudden he breaks down and accuse me of being stupid and not listening then to make it worst he threatens me with words. To the point where I just shut it off! I hung up on him, left him without anymore words to defend myself,. I tried to defend myself but he keeps telling me to “shut up” because “he is the one talking now, and I have no say in what I should be talking of” etc. I given him a lot of chances, and my friends fear of my safety if I choose to be with him forever. He gets jealous easily and holds grudges over silly matters. ALWAYS belittles me, makes me feel less than I deserve. I didn’t understand. I was in denial that I thought this was real love, but he showed it in such a hurtful way of making me feel like shit.

    OUT OF 13/15 HE is a controlling boyfriend a freak with a sociopath or inferiority complex.
    I broke up more than once to get him to stop. but when i fall back its the same shitty cycle. he will tell me “U dont love me anymore?”
    SELFISH. I loved him. But to the point where he bitches, makes me feel angry, sad all the time, disrespects me. That is not love that I’ve been told, being calling a bitch and stupid because I made one small mistake. I denied his marriage proposal. I fear I will get beat up if I marry him.

    To all women! Listen to your gut, once you feel that its not safe LEAVE. never listen to your heart, the heart is an organ that does not speak. Your mind plays a different role. Think twice before staying with one.

  138. jazzy fae says:

    I have a controlling and abusive boyfriend hes so jealous he tells me he thinks I want to have sex with my 5 yearold son im scared I have no where to go he hits me wenhes mad breaks my phne so I cantcall for help weni try to leave he locks me out the house im very close to my littleboy cuz he has adhd so im very over protective with him I dnt leave him with any one I dnt go out I dnt drink smoke wed nothing im 24 finished college he doesn’t want me to work weni did hewould go by my job or call non stop to make sure I was there im scred I just wanted to tell u ladies if ur wit a crazy man getout while u can I cant I tried n hes found me made me loose my aptmaents wit problems im ore scared for my son I hope everyday that he dies so icanget out this but I have faith god will help me. he gets mad if I dnt have sex with him I hate being with him wuts crazy is my son makes me so happy I cant kill my self like I wanted to no I have to raise him I love him so much n plz for the people that say lock him up I tried he told the police I hit hit him n I was trespassing they wanted to lock me up im sure one day ill find my way out I no iwill but this time I will go far away.

  139. Allie says:

    I think my boyfriend has started showing signs of being controlling – or maybe i’ve just noticed them :/ The other night when he had been drinking he admitted to trying to control everyday situations with people, for example by suggesting subtle hints throughout the day to someone so at the end he will have got his own way. He has also mentioned in the past he likes to analyze people and predict their movements before they happen..

    I started to think about our relationship and realized a few things which made me a bit worried. If we meet up, it will always be on his terms not mine. He makes all the decisions. Now i don’t like asking to meet up or make plans anymore because i’m certain he’ll say no and ‘reject’ me, making plans himself- and i’m not the most secure person :/

    He complains about always spending money on me & i feel awful… i never ask him too. He’s asked me to change things about myself in the past (personality wise) then when i got upset he would apologize and say he didn’t mean it, I’m fine the way i am etc.

    If he has a problem with something its unlikely he will mention it until a week or so after and i’ll feel guilty for not knowing how he felt & that he had felt like this for a while. I feel like i can depend on him – but have started to feel like i need him to be confident and relaxed around others. He also acts v sensitive and if in an argument he will insist he loves me more than i love him and he doesn’t feel like i care. This makes me feel very guilty. Of course I love and care about him, but i’m worried I’m able to be myself when i’m with him. I want to be confident and make my own decisions.

    I now feel he is constantly judging me and my movements and trying to control them..I don’t know if i’m overreacting – this is my first relationship. Any ideas on what i should do? We are both 20 and at uni. Should i mention these to him? I’m worried if i do he’ll deny it and make me feel guilty for suggesting it.

  140. Reggie says:

    Ok it’s nice what you wrote. I don’t know if you an hypocrite or not but I have some questions. And please answer all the question.

    Did you ask your self why your boyfriend was controlling?

    Did you try to understand your boyfriend?

    Did you ever found out why he was trying to help you out with your work and if he didn’t help what would have think your mind?

    Why if the boyfriend don’t get jealous when you chill with your friends?

    How will you feel if your boyfriend hug a girl that like him?

    Why, If a girl chill with their friend it’s ok but when your boyfriend chill with their friend it’s a problem?

    Why, When a girl flirt with their friend (boy) it’s ok but when a guy flirt with a girl it not ok?

    Think the guy is not controlling and mind his business and give the girl freedom but one day he see his girlfriend sleeping with her friend? How will he feel? Can he trust another girl again?

    Does a boyfriend have a right to give his girlfriend an opinion?

    What’s the difference between “caring” and “controlling”?

    If a girl have a boyfriend, Should the girl give her number to an stranger?

    What if some guy flirt with a girl who has boyfriend. Should the girl hide she have a boyfriend and continue flirting or she tell the guy she have a boyfriend and only will talk to him as a friend?

  141. Emily says:

    Omg, my bf ticks off every sign on that list…I am starting to feel like I am in a miserable relationship…yet i still love him 🙁

  142. Sukanya says:

    All these 15 signs are exactly happening in my relationship!!!!!! but i love him so much like to the core.. i’ve come to a stage of losing myself for him.. i don’t wanna lose him at any cost.. what should i do?????? 🙁 help me!!!! 🙁

  143. Sad says:

    Although not all the boxes are ticked. I do tick some…Im a guy. and i love my girlfriend of 5 years and mother of my child but i feel like im smothering her.
    I know she didnt mean to sleep with my brother but.. i just cant seem to drop it.
    and also it is the ‘Letting her go out clubbing’ one….which leads to number 3…the tricking questions (investigating) and then theres the jealousy one.
    I acknowledge my problems….. but in reading this…maybe i should leave her before I get worse. Feels like if I truly love her I should set her free 🙁 even reading that in my head makes me sad….but if its what needs to be done for her to smile then maybe it needs to be. 🙁

  144. alex210sa says:

    #1. He doesn

  145. Scooter says:

    I have given my all to this man and nothing I do is ever right. I feel I’m not me anymore. Anything that happens between us he finds a way to blame me. I have never did anything for him not to trust me but he has done many questionable things that make me not trust me. I love this man god knows I do but I’m so unhappy. He makes me feel like a failure, he constantly tells me I don’t make him happy. I recently went to one of my “girl” friends house for about 4 hours and to come home to him telling me he doesn’t want this relationship anymore and that I need to move. I have no money saved right now, at first he said you have a month to get out, he leaves for a few hours just to come wake me up and say you have a week, by the morning he says I want you gone today. I have children that he say he love them like his own but what man puts a woman and her kids out. I just want to know will I ever find someone who will do right by me, I have no family I can turn to right now the way I feel, I just keep letting my kids down, I really feel they would be better if I’m not around, I really feel like killing myself would be a better option for everyone.

  146. jo j says:

    My boyfriend is controlling me emotionally he doesn’t want me to spend time with my family he doesn’t want me to do things without him i am so sick of him…i don’t know how to escape he has all my passwords….

  147. ann says:

    I’ve survived two controlling relationships and have studied the subject in a lot of depth. Although there is some good advice in this article, there is one part that deeply concerns me. That is the statement that you can change an abusive, controlling or manipulative person. This is the illusion that kept me hooked into my first abusive relationship for eight years, fortunately I had learnt enough to end the second manipulative relationship a lot earlier but not before a lot of damage had been done. You cannot change someone else, period! Change and growth is a personal choice that takes time and commitment and comes from within. I would strongly encourage both the author and other readers to do as much research as they can on this point. By all means be supportive of a person’s genuine efforts to grow or change their behaviour patterns, but be prepared to accept that this must go alongside professional help from a qualified therapist who specialises in domestic violence and controlling relationships. For further info please read “Why Does He Do that?” by Lundy Bancroft as a fantastic starting point to breaking the cycle of abuse. I cant emphasise this enough as this myth that you can change the person can literally amount to a life or death descision. *It also makes the controlling persons partner responsible for the abusive behaviour and responsible for whether the abusive partner changes that behaviour or not, thereby keeping the enmeshment and giving the abuser more excuses for not taking personal responsibility for their own behaviour!* Be extremely careful what advice you give. To anyone looking to end an abusive or controlling relationship, please seek professional help from a domestic violence service/helline. They will help you to assess the risk to yourself and any children and will help you put a workable safety plan in place, they are not there to judge and can help even if you just need someone to talk things through with and work out what you want to do.

  148. Margaret says:

    My bf wants me to let him know either by phone or leaving a note letting him know where i’m going when i leave home.If i don’t,when i return,he has an attitude and won’t talk to me.I feel that this is control.If he trusted me,it would not bother him and he would not make such a big deal of it.Whenever he leaves,he will say he’s going to the store or whatever but i just feel like he’s only telling me because he wants me to do the same.

  149. Muffin says:

    I always find myself asking my boyfriend permission to do anything in my life. He treats me like a child, and whenever I try to address him on the matter of him being controlling, he just says he has trust issues, mind you I have never done anything untrustworthy to him, which eventually escalates in to a fight, where in the end I am the horrible person. I haven’t seen my mother in over a year because of him, Or any of my other family members since he does not like them for one reason or another. If I do anything he considered out of line, he flips his lid. The worst I do is sleep in due to depression that is honestly caused by my relationship. However, even that to him is an unspeakable sin, which causes very stressful arguments. I barely leave my house, and I only have one friend, who I am not allowed to see without his permission. Any time I want to do anything, I must ask, and if he says no it is end of story. I feel trapped, suffocated and exhausted. I am also completely stressed out, anxious and depressed due to his controlling behavior. He always finds some fault in me. We only do what he wants to do, and any money I make from work, I have to give to him. I am not even allowed to buy myself new clothes, but if he wants something he gets it. I haven’t had new clothes in over three years. I do love him, but the stress is really getting to me. I don’t even feel like a person anymore. I feel like a possession. I have to stay to the same routine… Cook, clean, watch him play videogames, then sleep when he says sleep, and wake up when he says wake up. If I do get to see my one friend, he texts me nonstop, or calls, and if I don’t notice he messages or calls he flips out on me and leaves angry voicemails cussing me out even sometimes. I know that there is no changing him, but I am too afraid to escape. I moved states away from home for him, I know no one here, and am completely alone. A lot of the times he makes me hate myself. He also knows all of my passwords to my phone and online accounts, yet I do not know his phone password even. He blatantly says he won’t marry me, or have children with me. Yet I still cling to him and love him. I really need to do some deep thinking after reading this.

  150. diana says:

    I’m scared this is happening to me, I love him so much, but the signs are becoming too clear… I don’t know how to be. I have tried to work with him but he keeps hitting himself every argument we have and I hate seeing him like that, but I feel so emotionally drained..

  151. Kim says:

    What if your the controlling girlfriend? What do I do?

  152. Mandie says:

    My husband is showing signs 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 13, but he didn’t start showing them until after we were married. What do I do?

  153. None says:

    Anyone else see the irony in these two last sentances?

    “You should be the only one who can change who you are.”

    “You can change your controlling boyfriend if you want to.”

  154. Valerie says:

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 3 and a half years. I met him in my first year of highschool. He was very nice and funny. After a few months of dating he started getting mad at me for no reason. He would get mad if I hung out with friends who were guys. I never would cheat on him but he had extreme jealousy. I had a really good friend who came to my birthday party and my boyfriend told him if he ever talked to me again he’d kill him. That friend doesn’t talk to me anymore. Now I don’t talk to any guys. Anyways, sophomore year all my friends liked to party and my boyfriend wouldn’t let me. My best friend found out how controlling he was and tol me to dump him. I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to let go. my friends stopped wanting to hang out with me. So I was pretty depressed that year. Finally a year later I got my friends back. I decided not to tell them anything about my relationship scared i would lose them again. My boyfriend is super funny and so sweet when we hang out but as soon as I hang out with my friends he gets mad. Anyways junior year he got a job for my dad. We worked together. We obviously closer since we would work with each other but a few times he pushed me into sharp corners and walls when he got mad at me. He would pinch me and tug on my hair. He has never hit me though. He has a hot temper and whenever i try breaking up with him he snapchats me pictures of guns at his house an tells me he will kill himself. I am so inlove with with and we made so many great memories and he can be so kind and sweet but lately I’m realizing that I don’t deserve getting treated this way. This fall I’m going to college and he is moving to the same city and is getting a job. Last night I went to a concert with my friends and he broke up with me. And then he sent me many texts calling me a slut and accused me of cheating and how I’m a lying cunt and a stupid bitch and how all my friends are sluts when we didn’t even do anything…he gets mad if I don’t text him right away .. I can go on. A gay guy at a party said hi to me and my boyfriend gave him a dirty look and called him a faggot. I just feel like I have no freedom. So today I tried breaking it off with him and he told me he will find me and I’ll be sorry. He knows where I work since he used to work there. He knows where I love and can easily break in. He keeps telling me he will kill himself and me. I am terrified of him. One time when he was drunk he choked me. He always says he is sorry and how he will change. I gave him so many chances and he won’t change. I love him and part of me doesn’t want to let go but I know he won’t change. He will only be happy if I isolate my self from everyone and not have any friends. He won’t let me do anything without him. I’m scared but don’t want to call the cops because our cops aren’t that great and I don’t want to make matters worse. Right now I am trying to break up with him but I am scared. I haven’t told anyone what he has said to me. Help.

  155. None says:

    I’ve dumped my boyfriend recently I then stupidly got back with him because I felt so lost and that I couldn’t live without him but people have tried to warn me so I said for now can we just be friends, I feel really horrible for mucking him about and I don’t know what to do he’s currently living with me so I told him I wanted space but every chance he gets he tries to come and see me and I got feed up with it, he called me princess and beautiful everyday and even though we have broken up he still does, when I went to see my friend at the door just for a little chat and a catch up he felt he has to come and stand behind me, now I’ve broken up with him, he says that he loves me and what will I think or do if I saw him with another girl but the thing is I feel jealous about that, he also keeps reminding me that I promised I would always love him and that id never let him go, my family and friends don’t really like him and feels that I can do better they have also tried to persuade me to go off of him which I think might have worked and I know that there are other who like me who are better looking but to be honest I’m more bothered about personality, I really don’t know what to do anymore, am I being immature? Please I would love to hear someone else opinion

  156. Michelle says:

    My boyfriend started out so sweet and has now turned so controlliing I’m always depressed and so scared to leave. He puts me down all the time. He has a very bad temper and I’m so scared to leave I dnt know what he will do. I have no friends left as he wanted me to spend all my time with him and made me feel so quilty I agreed. I’ve lost all contact with all my friends. I can’t even look at my phone without him over my shoulder. I’m so scared of him I’ve seen him drunk and very violent. Everyday I wake up hoping he’s in a good mood. He sends me nasty messages when I dnt answer my phone or he sees me on fb. I never having anytime to myself I’m always miserable but so scared of him

  157. Della says:

    OMG! I’m seeing myself in those signs. As I’ve read the posts above me, I feel so guilty and I just realized what my boyfriend feels. I love my boyfriend of course but sometimes I just can’t handle my depression that I do the controlling. I felt so sad reading the people’s experiences and all I can say is that you should love yourself first. If he loves you then I think you don’t deserve to get hurt.

  158. Katie says:

    My boyfriend controlled me, I even know that he used SpyToMobile app, and I didn`t know about his cheating, but once I saw the letter from this app in his E-mail. They made it invisible on my phone. I was very angry

  159. Gabriel says:

    Do you know what’s weird. The Christian God posses 11 out of the 15 signs.

  160. Eden says:

    This should just be renamed “15 Signs of a Controlling Partner” – these are all true of abusive relationships, regardless of gender.

  161. Shy says:

    I’ve been In an emotionally controlling relationship for 5 years I don’t know how I was able to put up with it for this long. I have a child with this man. I am so ready to leave but I’m not financially stable yet and I have no family to help me. So I’m trying to do all of this myself . My plan is to save up a lot of money and just leave no sign no warning or anything. I’m tired of him and his family they are all emotionally controlling me and do not want lot see me do good I can’t be around this negativity any longer or I’ll explode. All I do is work and sit in the house I lost all of my friends and family because of him. They don’t want to be bothered with me until I leave him.

  162. Kel says:

    ive been reading all these posts and I see my life so much in these – I have been with my partner for 5 1/2 years and he suffers depression. I have allowed him to make me lose contact with all my friends, I hardly see my family. I used to be such a bright bubbly person, I raised my son on my own for 10 years so an really surprised at myself how I have let life to become so unhappy. i’ve used the excuse that its his depression, but its not its his controlling nature. I have finally made my mind up that he needs to leave as I need to make my life better. I don’t want my son to grow up thinking this is how you treat your partner. ive put up with violence insults and have never done anything to deserve anything. thank you all for writing down your own experiences, it really does make you realise its not you its them.

  163. Servelan says:

    I was married for 19 years to a controlling, manipulative, mean man; the sum total of what he did was emotional abuse. If you find this article, read the comments and you will see the different ways that controllers/emotional abusers hurt; you may find yourself in some of them. My only route out was to divorce my ex, and I know it’s hard to do; it took me months to get the courage to file, and I was terrified he’d hit me, but you have to do what’s best for you, even if it means you will be adrift for a while. Emotional abusers (and most of these controllers are) do not stop, do not change, and will not listen to your pleas.

  164. Tina says:

    I dated a controlling abusive extremely jealous man for about five years..on an off. We broke up a zillion times during those five years. I guess I was hoping for a miracle that he would see who he truly is and get the help he so desperately needed…never happened. I am away for good and look back and cringe that I wasted that many years with him. Don’t kid yourself …they will never ever change and become healthy to be in any relationship…it’s like a mental illness. Unless they do rigorous therapy and take meds there is zero hope that things will get better…this advice was given to me from a therapist who treats issues of controlling abusive jealous men…it’s rare for them to come across anyone who gets better. Walking away and finding a healthy..mentally..man to date is a no brainer and not that difficult to find one, I did, still have to forgive myself for being so naive and gullible to stay with my ex for so long. Life is short, have fun, and don’t settle for garbage.

  165. Key says:

    I feel like I’m one of these guys mentioned, and it hurts so bad to know this was my behavior towards my girlfriend. I only wish I would have found this article sooner and it would have hit me then like it does now. Big time wake up call. How do we get help when you’re the controlling partner in a relationship and you want to change?

  166. John says:

    I may be a controlling boyfriend because I’m reading this and thinking “I do that!”, but I don’t want to be. My girlfriend is too important for me to behave like this. How can I get better?

  167. jess says:

    Hi….I’m 19 years old I’ve been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 7months. I started dating him by my 2nd semester of junior year. I mean it was nice being with me I felt good about myself, I thought I was going somewhere with my future (not with him) but with college. Then problems started, he started to hit me, leave Bruce’s on me call me a slut or a hoe or sometimes call me stupid. As a senior in highschool I wasn’t allowed to go to my senior events or hangout with friends in my last year. He didn’t want me to talk to guys, even though he knew some. He would say I had bad friends that he could not believe why I was close to them. He makes me cry and makes me feel like I’m a loser and just so stupid. I’m not saying he’s a total bad guy….he’s smart, funny and very lovable and sometimes I don’t want him being mad all the time cuz then…idk what to do? I’ve been weak for a while I’m truamatized so much u can’t even imagine. He’s Mr popular and I remember we had this event in our school, where we can get married fake certificates and all. Well we got married and once the girl said “do u take him to be ur husband” I was shy and I took a little long, then once we left off the stage , he told me I embarrassed him in front of everyone. I’ve ditched school every time we had an argument cuz it wouldn’t end fast, because he would just want me to be happy like nothing and how ? How can I if a min ago he called me stupid and a hoe? As the year went by, we had prom…..I can’t even remember good things about my own prom….all except that before the night we argued and argued and decided to go to prom all late…I was beat on the way to prom with my gown….we got to prom late I was unhappy. I wanted to cry but he wouldn’t let me, saying I would ruin my makeup… He just wanted to look good infront of ppl. My prom…wasn’t what I expected. As graduation came closer, my grades went down to C’s and D’s …I still had a chance to graduate. But all those times I’ve missed….made it all bad…I didn’t get accepted to a college. The day of graduation , I went to his first (we went to the same school but different academys) and he was so fustraded and all, he got all mad at me…a few days before he had hit me and thrown me to the grown so I still had those Bruce’s….and I was suppose to wear a dress for his graduation. So I went to his graduation and took pictures like that….with Bruce’s…! Ppl looked at me all bad….even his mom questioned and I had to say it was my brothers. I was his photographer and he took pictures with his classmates guys….and girls. I didn’t have a problem with that , I can be jealous but I understand that guys have girls as friends and girls have guys as friends as well. When it was my graduation…. Again I was crying I was gonna march out of his life and graduate free I guess…but I couldn’t. My family came….and I put all my attention on him cuz I was so scared that later he would tell me something. Taking pictures with friends I took it with girls only……and he noticed what I did. But didn’t get the hint that i dont know I was trying to do the right thing ?
    I only have like 6 pictures in total of my graduation….. I’ve lost many of my friends and I have 3 girls close to me…but I still rarely talk to them. I haven’t attended community college cuz I felt so down and stupid….he’s in a university studying to be an engineer so you can say he did well. But I didn’t….its like I’m a wife that stays home. He doesntblike seeing my family at all , but he likes me going to his house at 8am to see him but he can’t do that for me. Right now I’m planning to walk always cuz I can’t take it anymore and I learned the hard way…..I love this boy to death I’ll do anything for him and all…he was the only one I had with issues I gone through…but now I feel like I’m being pulled away….I don’t even know my own self anymore I’m just so confused. And idk what I’m about to do will be right……all I know is no girl should go through this, argue all u want but don’t destroy each other.

  168. Bethany says:

    this is definitely my boyfriend he always plays mind games and tells me he will commit suicide if i leave him which makes me feel trapped does anyone know any ideas that could help

  169. Chyan says:

    Okay, So I think my boyfriend is Obsessed with me, he doesn’t want me to hang out with any of my friends, always wants me with him, even to work the same hours (yes we work at the same job) I can’t talk to male coworkers, but he talke to the female ones, I have to call when I wake up or before I go to bed, tell him where I’m at, who Im with, he tells my bestfriends that he can’t lose me& I’m all he has, says I have a bad attitude, & gets very very angry when I put my foot down &, I love him dearly, but he needs to get help, when I tell him he needs help, he gets very sensitive, He always thinks I’m cheating, I did 3 times but that was an accident, besides thats hes very secretive him self, he wants to move in together already were only 19 & been together 5 months he doesn’t even want me to transfer to a far away college he wants me all the time, I can’t even smoke anymore or do absolutely anything. Writing this makes me realize It might be time to leave. Well at least tak a break. But is that even safe knowing he knows where I live & We work together, any time I try to leave I get guilt triped, someone save me 🙁

  170. Alex says:

    My boyfriend definitely has a lot of these signs.
    He’s the emotionally controlling type.
    But a lot of his insecurities are because I cheated on him. The signs like not looking me going out with friends, not looking that I have guy friends (guys I’ve known since school strictly platonic), etc… were there before I cheated, just not as bad.

    How can I fix things without him always throwing the fact that I made a mistake in my face and using that as an excuse to not trust me??
    Recently he was going through my facebook messages and seen that a (recent) guy friend had made a sexual comment to me which I clearly declined, but was still mad at me for “making serial innuendo jokes that triggered it” even though they were clearly jokes…
    But he pretty much much tore me down as if I had cheated on him.
    How do I deal with this?
    We love each other very much and most of the time we get along perfectly. We’ve actually been told that we are so cute it’s disgusting lolz. It’s very true.
    I just wish that I knew how to deal with his insecurities better. I’m a very emotional person so I don’t deal with lading out at me very well.

  171. anna says:

    My bf is emotionally controlling he is doing it again. Its like I am on a rollercoaster but I can’t seem to get off. I am ill right now I live an hour away am moving heaven and earth to be with him. He told me he never wanted me for xmas so I stayed now he wants me and is playing victim. And he keeps bringing up marriage something he knows I am not ready for. This last time he did not like my answer and he is about to end it or playing games with me. I am moving next year and he is just doing this dance with me where he tells me I have trouble leaving. He has never even been to see me. How can he understand me when he tells me I blame him for just sharing how I feel. I am not well have been in the er I can’t cope. We had problems mainly his flirting but he just tells me that this relationship is wearing thing because I can’t leave. But I am its madness to me. Any advice please, I need strength because I still love him.

  172. April says:

    Telling women that they can change a controlling guy if they just try hard enough is wrong. I spent almost 20 years in an emotionally abusive relationship. By the end of it, I was nearly suicidal. I tried several times to put a stop to his behavior, but he would always backslide into his natural pattern. You can’t change other people (especially those who have no desire to change, you can only change yourself. If you’re in an abusive relationship, walk away and save yourself all that pain and trauma. You deserve better.

  173. jalvd10 says:

    I’m a guy and I need some advice. I never realized I was all this things to my girlfriend. She has told me at some point I’m all those things in that list. I never thought my self as a manipulator or controlling however I’m paying attention to this because I want to change the behavior I have towards her. She tells she feel she has to be submissive to me in order to keep peace. And also she says I make my self then victim and try to turn things around. I get really frustrated because those are never my intentions and I don’t know how to stop or change

  174. Jacob says:

    I think tht I’m one of the emotionally controlling boyfriends,
    But like I care for my girlfriend and I love her very much. An I know she cares an loves me to. But I think she is getting tired of how much I bother her. Like I mean I bomb her phone sometimes an I turn to tell her I’m sorry an I mean it but I don’t think she belives me an I this think she wants to end it an Idk I just want to fix things..

  175. Steve says:

    Many of these “warning signs/red flags” are actually signs that she/he loves and cares about you and is willing to lay down his/her life for you and wants to provide and protect you. Some guys/girls want a stronger emotional connection than others, for example, password sharing, Facebook account combining, some like it, some don’t. In an ideal relationship one should care for their partner’s happiness more than their own and that necessarily involves sacrificing personal liberties – not from force or compulsion but from love and anxious concern for the welfare of the partner. That said, some people can be abusive and it’s important to assess how comfortable you feel and if this person really comes nearest to your personal pinnacle of perfection. If so, stay, if not, move on, you are not a tree. 🙂

  176. omeiil says:

    You know what the messed up thing is about this entire article? Instead of trying to balance out and fix things between you and the guy you love the most it’s trying to force you to leave him and date multiple other guys who are naturally the same way as your first boyfriend; ,because that is how males were naturally programmed to be; Sites like this, the owners, programmers, blog/article writers are no gods or miracle workers so think twice ,before taking their advice on all the negative things wrong with your boyfriends, they know nothing about the positive, good in all those wonderful guys. This website nor anybody outside your relationship can fix all of your relationship problems by turning you all into whores or making your boyfriends out to be evil bad guys and whoring yourself out to multiple other guys, possibly getting your self hurt again. My girlfriend lied to me and cheated on me when I would have done anything for her, she gave up on me and told me she wouldn’t date again for a long time when CA/Hayward/Britnee Marie had left me for another guy who she had been talking to behind my back and eventually grew attached to, no longer needing me for emotional or sexual support when she had someone closer. She started messing around with this other guy, no longer thinking about me or needing me, she treated me like the lowest form of life on Earth how selfish can a female be to do something like that to someone who loves her very much? She told me I became a different person, and the guy she loved and met in the beginning died a long time ago and he wasn’t coming back, Do you know what it’s like for someone you love to tell you, you are dead; that’s just as bad as them killing you with a loaded shotgun or rifle; I ain’t dead I am right here, I still got emotions and feelings, and she just stepped on them and hurt me!!!. Her words were like witch-craft or magic, every time she would throw negative things at me they would occur and happen; it was like she put a curse or spell on me or something. I never meant for any of these things to happen; I am not a bad person…

  177. Ilac says:

    I’m so relieved and happy to find that although my boyfriend and i had a few dents in our relationship, none of these things apply to him!

  178. karen says:

    I opened this article as it rang a very distant bell in my new relationship. But I can’t believe there are so many negative people out there. Obviously the reins might get tighter as the relationship develops deeper, but this is cos the other partner Realises how much they love and need their partner, and fear of losing them comes upon them. IRational I know, but hey, The human programming Is a highly emotional one.

    I know that we all have issues, we’re Not perfect, but there is a solution to fine tuning ones relationship. We look to the Creator when issues rear up, and take his guidance to live our relationships out properly,without excessive emotionally negative behaviour. Think of what the creator would approve of and want us to do, and you’lol find your answer in maintaining your relationship as best as possible. He wants us to honour and respect him first, ourselves second, and our partner third, for how can we love, honour and respect our partner properly, if we don’t learn from our creator, and treat ourselves right, thus putting the boundaries where it should be in the first place?

  179. karen says:

    Me again, I would like to let it be known that, yes, there are rules about letting each other know where we’re going, what we’re doing, and who with. This is the norm in any relationship. It’s called respect. I guess I’m the lucky one who’s man isn’t insulting, sulky, or obsessively nosy. In fact he is a sweetheart, one of the good guys. I think the little niggle in my head which caused me to initially open this article, was that I’ve been single for a long time, and not used to be “slightly owned”. My ex husband didn’t care enough about what I did with my life, having spent 22 years with him, thus I had a lot of freedom, but still in a very long mentally abusive relationship from his side, hence my recent single dom.

    Women, you are “owned” in your relationships, and you also have “part ownership” of him, that’s the way it should be, (two shall become one), but don’t let it interfere with who you are as an individual, and do not accept any kind of abuse, that’s not what God wants for us. Stand up for who GOD has created you to be, strong, independent, beautiful, but also loving, considerate, compromising, and forgiving when just.

    Me,myself and I, am just learning how to be that after being single, but now with a partner, finding myself again as one of two, after thinking being single was who I was supposed to be.

    It’s difficult, but rewarding. we are complicated beings, accept that, fine tune your negative traits, and also embrace being with a partner, but don’t settle for someone all wrong for you at the right time, or someone right for you at the wrong time in your life.

    Thank you to all the ladies who shared their hearts on this thread, I empathise with you, hoping you can come right. And to all the men on this thread, you aren’t a bad egg, you just have to balance your extent of caring, to make relationships work the way they’re supposed to.


  180. kat smith says:

    I have realized my boyfriend is a clinger class 5. I can’t get rid of him. He drives my cars and refuses to take care of anything for himself. The law says even though he is not on my lease I can’t just throw him out. I am screwed and stuck with this loser forever.

  181. Ryan elizabeth says:

    I just had the worst day. My bf and I were fighting and I ran upstairs to be alone. He will never let me have my space and cool down. He punched a wall and broke his wrist and all the way to the hospital and 6 hours and we head home he’s still saying it’s my fault. ????

  182. MARIA says:

    hmmm, i never knew how controlling my boyfriend is until i read this. infact all the characteristics of a controlling boyfriend, he has all. i dont just know how to start….to be honest im tired and need help or ill walk out of the relationship.

  183. John says:

    Honestly, a lot of these “warning signs” are just characteristic of someone who’s not controlling, but possessive. This is a poor example of controlling. Trust is the most important aspect in a relationship. These “signs” just show a boyfriend/girlfriend who doesn’t trust the other.

  184. Merrimon says:

    It’s quite sexist to assume these are uniquely men things. Women are just as capable of being controlling and possessive.

  185. Merrimon says:

    These traits are equally valid for controlling and possessive girlfriends too. These traits are not sex specific, there are plenty of women who possess these traits.

  186. karen's mom says:

    You just sound like a washed up old hag

  187. Teresa Rudolph says:

    But He IS God, not just someone trying to PLAY God. And God does give us free will. He won’t strike us down if we turn away from Him.

  188. megantron93 says:

    I read this article every time I have to remind myself of all the reasons I had to leave my ex-boyfriend. And to all the people who say this is just how guys are or this is just how trust works in a relationship, no it isn’t. I have been in other relationships where it was so much easier. My ex always pulled the crying card on me and it would make me feel like the worst person in the world even when I had actually done nothing wrong, except for hanging out with my friends.

  189. Enufizenuf says:

    Oh god- this is complete hell. This is not gender specific. At first the jealousy was flattering after almost 20 years of getting my school crush and it has completely transformed my dream into a nightmare. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody. The contradictory questions that set you up to always look like you are lying. I cannot wait to get away. I feel awful for anyone else in controlling relationships. I think another sign is the way they treat other people- mother. If they treat them like shit and that person is a good person- huge red flag.

  190. Jillian says:

    I know your post is a couple of years old and you may never even see this, but I’d like to message and just ask how you’re doing now? Did you manage to get out of this relationship? It sounds like you’re describing my relationship with my ex-boyfriend exactly. I broke up with him a couple weeks ago and I feel kind of lost. But he was exactly like your boyfriend. He made me give him my money, he told me when to sleep, everything we did was something he wanted to do, he called me names. But I clung to him, like you mentioned how you did with your boyfriend. He was my entire life, and I have no idea how I FINALLY got the strength to end it for real, but I did. If you managed to get away from your boyfriend, congratulations to you. I know how difficult it is.

  191. MyLovelyNose says:

    You picked her. Something about that person appealed to you–ALL of her went with it. Maybe your fetish is for high drama and to be victimized again.

  192. MyLovelyNose says:

    Listen to how she describes your BEHAVIOR and change the BEHAVIOR. I’m so sick of people saying, “But my intentions were good! How can you be upset with my INTENTIONS?”

    If you follow the reasoning of “consider my intentions when you object to my behavior,” then “I know I beat you up, but my intentions were good” is the logical outcome.

    I know a woman who is constantly pestering me. If we take a road trip, she cannot allow silence, so she’ll ask a banal question like, “Do you like trains?” just to keep air in the bellows of conversation. If she offers me coffee and I say, “No thanks,” she follows by offering every beverage imaginable, until I’m ready to scream, “NO! I DON’T want any Diet Pepsi! I don’t want juice! LEAVE ME ALONE!” She’s like her dog, always jumping up on you and not listening to the word OFF.

    “But I just want to make you happy . . . “

  193. Shani says:

    Oh my gosh… I just got off of an hour long phone call with my parents about my boyfriend of five months and my step-father said that he sounds like he’s controlling me emotionally and to get out now. I just googled, found this article, and he ticks every one of these boxes…

    I thought I was just nit-picking or just finding ways to argue with him but I’ve only JUST come to the realisation that this is what he’s doing. I don’t know whether to just leave him or give him some more time to change… I don’t know. I’m so conflicted.

  194. NoName says:

    This sounds like my best guy friend. I’ve told him I don’t want a relationship, just being friends. He understands that, but still behaves a lot like the things mentioned in this list.

  195. Cocoa says:

    I disagree “You have to remember that emotionally controlling boyfriends aren

  196. Cocoa says:

    You say men are programmed one way, then go on to admit “But I’m not like that”. These signs can go both ways. Either gender can be abusive. You know what’s dangerous? Giving genitalia a free pass to abuse people because “genetics”. Your ex girlfriend just “programmed” to treat you like shit?

    There are shitty people in this world, and none of them deserve a free pass for treating decent people like shit for no apparent reason.

  197. NO says:

    This broke me a little inside.
    It’s been three months I got out of there, and only today did I realize what it had done to me.
    Suddenly, I felt an urge above everything else to call the person that used to be my best friend.
    She picked up the phone and I burst into tears.
    To whoever may read this, don’t let whoever you are with tear you down.
    You deserve better.

  198. Stella Kirk says:

    Great read! I’m going through this right now. And definitely feel I’ve lost myself. I used to be a very strong independent woman. I’ve left it too late… now I don’t know what I can do because there is no reasoning on his side … emotional abuse has left me so week, depressed and with an eating disorder -due to being told how fat and ugly I am, he told it it was constructive criticism and should do something about it, I did, but it went to far. I need to find strength…

  199. Amaya Dorid says:


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