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Help! I’m a Straight Woman in Love with a Gay Man!

He’s charming, stylish, smart, and funny. He’s perfect in every way… except one. There’s no way he’ll fall for you, because he’s gay!

This dilemma is something so many women have had to deal with in their lives. Someone who gets you and your quirks, someone with whom you can watch a chick flick marathon, someone whose sense of style—not to mention impeccable hygiene—you admire, and someone you can go shopping with for hours without even a peep of complaint.

He’s loving, supportive, and way more sensitive than anyone you’ve ever met. He’s almost the perfect companion for life, the kind of husband you’d want to have… except there’s no sex, because there’s just no way he’d look at you in a sexual way.

What to do when you fall in love with a gay man

Here are eight things you can do when you’re at odds and falling in love with a gay guy.

#1 Is it really love? This is the first thing you should ask: are you really in love? Let’s face it: it’s easy to say or believe that you’re in love with someone—that new intern at work who gets you coffee in the morning, that hot guy in the apartment next door, the member of that new boy band, or even just a random guy who winked at you at the bar. It could just be a crush or infatuation, or maybe you just admire the way the cute guy at your favorite deli knows how to prepare your turkey sandwich just the way you like it.

So, if you think you’re in love with a gay guy because he’s into the same things you’re into, think again. If you haven’t spent enough time with the person to really get to know them, it’s highly unlikely that you’re in love. [Read: 19 sure signs you’re really in love]

#2 You’re into the same things—even partners. The great thing about gay guys is that they are easily relatable. You have the same things in common when it comes to your tastes in wardrobe choices, shoes, movies, books, design… and men.

And if you’re in love with a gay guy, you might want to consider the fact that he could be your competition, too, which can make things so much more complicated than they already are. Like a Greek tragedy or a love triangle out of a really sad novel, you fall in love with a guy, the guy is in love with another guy, and that other guy is in love with you. Whew!

#3 Intimacy issues. Unless he’s open to having sex with straight women, which may be possible *but unlikely for most gay guys*, you will have to spend your days with a trusty vibrator if you’re going to push through with a relationship with a gay guy.

Some gay men may not even have the appetite to kiss a woman, much less progress to intercourse with her. So, unless you are okay with being celibate or looking someplace else for your much-needed booty call, you’ll have to say “pass.”

#4 Commitment issues. Think about it. You may have, at some point in your life, an idea of how you would like your life to turn out. You may want to get married, have children and grandchildren, and you may want your children to have your eyes and your husband’s smile. This may not happen if you get into a relationship with a gay guy, even if he wants to be in a relationship with you, too.

First of all, he may not have the same future plans and priorities as you. Second, he may end up still wanting to hook up with other men. Third, he may not want to have a kid with you, or may have other things on his mind, aside from getting you your four kids. Finally, with gay marriages now being legalized in many parts of the globe, he may be more empowered to pursue a relationship or marriage with someone he is 100% attracted to.

#5 Maybe he just thinks of you as a friend. Gay men find women to be great companions because both can offer each other intimate friendship that they cannot find with other genders. This relationship is free from the complications of sexual tension and interest—at least from the gay man’s point of view.

Straight men friends can give mixed signals that can turn a friendship into a case of unrequited love, while gay guys offer a relationship that is simpler and free from complications—that is, until you fall in love with them.

#6 He will always desire to be with a man. If the man is already known to be gay, he is never going to be genuinely and ultimately available for a committed, long-lasting relationship with anyone other than a man. You may at first succeed at making him “fall” for you, or you may have an arrangement to be in a relationship with him, but sooner or later, he will want to be with a guy.

If you really love him, you should want him to be happy, and you should want to make yourself happy, too, since there will always be something that’s not right in your relationship. [Read: Is an open relationship the solution to being in love with a gay man?]

#7 Cut your losses and move on. Once you have analyzed the situation and taken note of the pros and cons, you will see that there is a massive chance your relationship will not work out, after all. The sooner you realize the situation, the sooner you can convince yourself to move on.

You must accept the truth before you end up investing your time and emotions in a dead-end relationship. You don’t want to dwell on something that you know will just leave you unhappy. So be realistic, cut your losses, and move on.

#8 Open yourself up to the possibility of dating available people. Sometimes, when you’re focused too much on the closed door, you miss your chance of seeing that there are many windows that are open–the windows of possibility. Do yourself a huge favor and stop mooning over someone who may never love you the way you want to be loved, or stop trying to start a relationship that you already know will never work out.

Focus your attention on improving yourself and opening yourself up to other people who may be around the corner–those who will love you and deserve the love you have to give. Who knows? Your Mr. Right may be waiting around for you to take your eyes off of his gay brother.

Although it’s true that falling in love is something you have no control over, there are forms of love that do not involve sex at all. Maybe your gay guy falls into this category, and you’re lucky to find someone who can fill a part of your life in that way.

However, you should know that you deserve someone who loves you in return. Falling in love with a person who cannot give it back is unhealthy. Staying stuck in that kind of relationship, whether with a gay guy or a straight one, will just let you down.

In the end, falling and staying in love with a gay man may just leave you feeling inadequate for not making him love you the way you love him. It may be hard at first, but you will be thankful for walking away when you finally find the love of your life.

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Tiffany Grace Reyes
Tiffany is a wordsmith who has played with words ever since her letter-to-the-editor was published nationally at the age of 9. Since then her writing has gone f...
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