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How to Know if You’re a Lesbian: 17 Signs It’s Not Just Curiosity

Figuring out your sexuality takes time. This isn’t something you should rush. Wondering how to know if you’re a lesbian? These tips may help.

how to know if you're a lesbian

Sexuality is a journey, so it may take some time for you to figure out your sexual preferences. It’s your life, so take your time. You may try to figure out how to know if you’re a lesbian, or a bisexual, especially when you’re unsure about how you feel towards someone or a particular gender.

If this is the case, you might be thinking about how you feel towards other women and if you feel anything sexual for men as well. If this is your journey, it’s time you knew the biggest signs that you’re more likely to be a lesbian.

[Read: Things you must know – What is it really like to have a first-time lesbian experience?]

Sexuality is a personal subject

Some people never truly work out their sexuality. However, you could argue that those people are missing out on living a true and authentic life. The problem is that this subject is never really that easy to face, let alone actually work out for yourself.

Your sexuality is a key part of who you are.

It is personal to you and nobody can tell you what your sexuality is, other than yourself. You may be feeling confused and unsure, but that’s just a sign that you need to take your time a little more and take the pressure off yourself.

You don’t have to rush to put a label on yourself; some people never put a label on themselves and they feel perfectly fine with it. As long as you’re living a life that’s true for you, that’s really all that matters.

However, there’s no denying that understanding your sexuality will give you the freedom to start exploring life in a way that suits you best. [Read: 20 sexually enlightening movies all about sexuality]

How to know if you’re a lesbian

Ten years ago, you were either straight or gay. Those were our options for sexuality. But now, there’s an entire spectrum of sexuality that people identify with.

You can be gay, straight, pansexual, asexual, the list goes on and on. Though it’s great that there are more definitions of sexuality, this can also make it a little overwhelming when trying to see where you fit.

[Read: The list of sexualities and what you need to know about each orientation]

But, as we said before, you should know that you don’t need to label yourself. If you’re not sure what your sexual preferences are, that’s okay. No one tells you that you must decide and announce it to everyone. Who said sexuality was easy?

The points below will help you to work out whether you may be a lesbian. However, know that nodding along to a few points won’t give you a final answer – you can only know that when you feel it in your heart.

Hopefully, if an answer is what you’re looking for, this will help you start on your quest.

1. You’ve questioned your sexuality

Now, if you’ve questioned your sexuality, then there’s a higher chance that you’re not straight.

If you’re asking yourself whether you’re a lesbian or bisexual, it’s a pretty solid sign that you’re not heterosexual. If you’re straight, you wouldn’t be asking yourself these questions. [Read: The subtle clues that point out if someone is gay]

2. You find yourself attracted to women

Now, you may be thinking, yeah, but that means I could also be bisexual as well. Well, here’s another question, are you attracted to men as well?

If you’re sexually attracted to both men and women, then you’re more likely bisexual. However, if you have sexual feelings towards women and do not have those feelings for men, well, then you may be a lesbian.

The confusion comes when you add in the fact that it’s perfectly normal from time to time to feel attraction for a woman even if you’re straight. It’s not always sexual, sometimes it could be that you admire her and the feelings become confused as something else.

The best advice is to take this as a potential sign, but to look for others to give you more evidence [Read: How to understand if you’re a lesbian or a bisexual]

3. Your sexual fantasies are about women

Again, this doesn’t mean necessarily you’re a lesbian. It could also mean you’re bisexual, but if you only fantasize about women, that may be a pretty good sign you’re a lesbian.

You can be straight and fantasize about women. However, if women dominate your thoughts, you could be a lesbian. [Read: What it means to have a lesbian fantasy as a straight woman]

4. You feel more comfortable with the lesbian community

Maybe you’ve been to a lesbian bar and felt more at home and welcomed than at a straight bar. There’s just something about the atmosphere and vibe that makes you feel included, almost as if you fit there.

If you’re a lesbian, you’ll probably love the culture and community. [Read: The main types of lesbians & why it’s important to tell them apart]

5. You can appreciate men but you’re not sexually attracted to them

We can all appreciate the appearance of someone who looks good. Of course, you can see an attractive man and find him to be good looking.

But, you don’t have any sexual feelings or urges when you see him. If you don’t find yourself sexually attracted to any gender other than women, then you may be a lesbian.

6. You check out women

When you’re sitting at a cafe or walking down the street, you’re not checking out men. You’re checking out women. If you’re staring at the butt of another woman or checking out their cleavage and thinking about what it would be like to have your hands all over her, well, you may be a lesbian.

If you don’t do the same thing when you look at a man. Well, yes, you’re probably a lesbian.

7. Rom-coms aren’t the same

When you’re watching a rom-com, you’re not interested in the happy ending with the guy. You’re watching it hoping that she has a moment with another woman and decides that being with a guy isn’t what she wants. You’re hoping that she hooks up with her best female friend instead.

8. Your friends tells you

If your friends are telling you that you’re more of a man than a woman or if they’re asking you about your sexuality, then maybe it’s a good sign that you’re not straight.

Your friends aren’t saying this as a joke. They’re telling you this because they feel it. They’re feeling that you’re not completely straight.

Now, this doesn’t mean you’re a lesbian, but you could be bisexual. This is a good pointer when trying to work out how to know if you’re a lesbian. [Read: Definition of queer: What does the Q in LGBTQ really mean?]

9. You kissed a girl and you liked it

Maybe you’ve had the chance to lock lips with another woman. For you, the feeling didn’t leave you. You’ve probably kissed men before, but with a woman, it felt completely different.

This doesn’t mean you’re a lesbian, but you could be bisexual. If you’re sexually aroused when kissing a woman, you’re not straight.

10. You’ve fallen in love with a woman

She could be your best friend or a woman you met at a bar, but the point is, you met her and you’ve fallen in love. Let’s say, the relationship ended and now, how are you feeling?

If you’ve had one relationship with a woman, it shows you that you’re into women. However, if you continue dating women and prefer them over any other gender, maybe you are a lesbian. [Read: 15 lesbian dating tips for the newly out lez]

11. You don’t hang out with men that often

If most of your friends are women and the guys in your life are gay, well, you may be a lesbian. You surround yourself with women for support and friendship. All of your closest friends are lesbians. And if the men are hanging out with you, they’re not straight. [Read: The signs that tell you if you are gay]

12. When you date men, you think of women

You may be on a date with a guy, however, you’re not thinking about him. You have your eyes on the woman at the table over.

If you can’t wait to talk to your best friend or see the girl you met at the bar over a date with a man, maybe you need to check if you’re actually into guys.

13. You enjoy flirting with women

Women are generally more complimentary and touchy-feely towards each other, even if they’re straight. But do you enjoy their touch a lot more than a man’s?

Do you enjoy flirting with women or making eye contact with them at a bar? If a woman’s touch excites you more than a man’s, chances are, you may be a lesbian, or at the very least, bisexual. [Read: Is she lesbian? 20 signs your BFF is a bit too close for comfort]

14. Threesomes excite you

If you’re in a relationship with a straight man, and find yourself confused about your sexuality, you need to think of your favorite kind of fantasies? Do you fantasize about a threesome, particularly with another woman?

Do you get more aroused imagining a woman in bed with you? If your favorite sexual fantasy as a “straight” woman is a threesome or getting in bed with another woman, chances are, you’re clearly bisexual, or perhaps even a lesbian.

15. You’ve tried fitting in, but you can’t

You’ve dated men, and you think you’re happy. The sex is good and everything seems fine. BUT you can’t seem to stop feeling like something is off in your sexual life.

You date men because you think being heterosexual is the “right” thing to be. You tick all the “straight” boxes because someone told you when you were younger that being lesbian meant you need to behave and look different from other women. *total crap, you should know!* Secretly, you know only women excite you and stimulate your sexual mind, and you choose to keep this a secret from everyone in your life.

16. You flirt online with women

You’ve tried flirting with women online, on social media, or in chatrooms, either as a woman yourself or under the guise of a man just to see what it feels like. And sometimes, the sexual high it gives you is incomparable to anything you experienced sexually with a man.

17. You’re fascinated by female porn

You’ve watch porn *just like everyone else, so don’t be ashamed!* and your eyes constantly wander towards lesbian porn.

At first, it was curiosity, but you’ve soon realized that heterosexual male-female porn just doesn’t arouse you as much as lesbian porn does. In all probability, even if you do watch heterosexual porn, your eyes only focus on the female and you barely glance at the male involved in the act. [Read: A straight girl’s view on the seduction of lesbian porn]

Now what should you do?

You don’t have to do anything at all if you don’t want to. Maybe these signs have given you the answer you’re looking for.

Perhaps they’ve given you something to think about and you’re still trying to learn how to know if you’re a lesbian. It could be that you’re still not sure. [Read: What is pansexual? To full guide to everything you must know]

The point is that understanding your sexuality is a journey. If you’re sure about it now, then the next step is up to you.

You can go forth and start exploring your new world, or you can wait a while and find your feet first. There is no right or wrong answer here. The only negative thing to do in this situation is to bury your head in the sand and refuse to explore the possibility just because you’re worried about the outcome. [Read: The best apps for lesbians to find love]

For many people, identifying their sexuality sets them free. It allows them to finally feel like the pieces have clicked into place. Nobody can tell you that you’re right or wrong. The only person who knows is you.

[Read: Am I a lesbian? 20 sure signs to know instantly before you ask around]

Sexuality can be tricky. If you’re not sure how to know if you’re a lesbian or not, don’t panic. There are so many different sexual preferences out there for you to identify with.

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Preeti Tewari Serai
Preeti Serai
Preeti, the founder of LovePanky, is an eternal optimist and believer in the beauty of love and life. With an exhaustive experience in love, relationships, and ...