15 Lesbian Dating Tips for the Newly Out Lez

lesbian dating tips

“How do I date girls?” If you’re fresh out of the closet, this may be one of your first questions. Here are some of the best lesbian dating tips to use.

Everywhere you look, there are always rules about boy-girl dating. Magazines and websites don’t run out of that sort of stuff. However, once you step into the choo-choo train to go to the land of queer, there aren’t any tour guides to help ease you out of the closet and into girl-on-girl dating. But we have the perfect lesbian dating tips to help you out.

It can be a little intimidating at first, it feels like you’re in a whole new territory dominated by veteran lesbians who seem to easily get all the girls.

While it’s hard enough to come out of the closet and be gay in this cold, hetero world, there will be one person *or two* who will gladly and oh-so-lovingly welcome you into their arms. Just follow these lesbian dating tips from finding girls to finally being in the sack with one, and save yourself a handful of rookie mistakes.

15 lesbian dating tips that make all the difference

Before you date, you first have to find a lesbian date. Get a clue from these tips.

#1 Have a lesbian wingwoman. While lesbians aren’t like gay men who advertise themselves all over the internet, that doesn’t mean lesbians are hard to find. They are out there, and you will find them when you know where to look.

The first thing you need is someone to help you seek out like-minded girls—a lesbian wingwoman. Perhaps you have a lesbian officemate or classmate, or you happen to see one in the bar or coffee shop you always go to. Don’t be afraid to talk to them and ask for help. [Read: How to stop obsessing about that one perfect date]

#2 Go out of your comfort zone. If you’re frequenting the same bars and parks you go to and have a hard time finding a lesbian date, then it clearly means you’re just running around in circles.

If you want to meet new people, be prepared to go out of your comfort zone. Go to different bars, even a gay bar. There you won’t go wrong. And you won’t feel so embarrassed or chastised for approaching another woman.

#3 Online dating is your best friend. Now, this is a no-brainer. These days, there are tons of social media sites dedicated to the lesbian community. As a newly out lesbian, this is no time to be prim and smug. If you really find it hard to find a date in real life, try out Tinder and other apps. You’ll be surprised to find out a vast community out there who likes you or the things that you like too. [Read: 12 things you do online that make you look pathetic]

So now that you have found someone to date, here’s what you should know before the big night.

#4 Be really single. So coming out of the closet may be totally confusing. And you may even have to tie some loose ends with your past relationships. Once you decide to date a lesbian *or another lesbian* for the first time, be sure to be really single. This is actually a universal rule. It’s just plain decency and simple courtesy to the person you’re going out with—unless you want trouble.

#5 Take your time. Things may feel new and intimidating after you came out, but this doesn’t mean you have to rush into dating, into sex, or into some form of commitment. It takes time to get to know your new self *what you really like* as well as to get to know the person you chose to date.

Remember not to rush getting into a relationship this early as it’s still best to take your time and even weigh your dating options. [Read: 20 speedy signs your relationship is moving too fast]

#6 Who asks who? Once you have found someone you like to go out with, and chances are they like to date you too, it’s now a matter of who asks who. While there are no definite rules on who initiates the date, you can easily get a clue. If you have a Butch-Femme setup, it’s often the butch that makes the first move. Still, the option to get out of the box and dare to be the first to ask is always a refreshing change.

#7 What to wear? One of the best things about being part of the LGBT community is you can’t be afraid to be yourself. In fact, it is encouraged. The women who you’d want to date will be drawn to your authenticity. So when it comes to lesbian dating, don’t be afraid to go as yourself. Just because you’re a lesbian doesn’t mean you’re expected to look a certain way. That’s totally not the case. [Read: 18 empowering reasons to love being a lesbian]

#8 Plan a creative date. As with any date, make yours memorable. Your date will find it extremely endearing that you’ve taken extra care to make your date special and unforgettable. Take your date somewhere she’s never been before.

Or if you know she’s into poetry, take her to that spoken word bar you’ve been dying to go to as well. If she’s a foodie, try to wow her by learning to cook a recipe and preparing a romantic dinner at your place. [Read: First date moves that will guarantee a second date]

#9 Make sure it’s private. You wouldn’t want to take her to places where there will be friends or acquaintances whom you may bump into and disrupt your time together. Take her somewhere private enough so that the two of you can talk and really get to know each other.

#10 Mind your manners. Another golden rule when it comes to dating anyone in any gender is this: don’t be rude. Show up on time, be nice to her and to the wait staff in the restaurant. Show her your best side—the best version of yourself—and you can expect a second date. And even if you don’t intend to date her again, at least have manners for your own sake. [Read: 15 big lesbian myths you probably still believe]

#11 Listen well. Women, no matter what their preferences are, appreciate a good conversation. And a good conversation will not happen if you don’t know how to listen. Be attentive and learn to listen actively too.

This means remembering what your date said and be thoughtful enough to go by the things she said, like the type of music she likes or that she has food allergies. Your date definitely appreciates this.

#12 No TMIs. Just because you’re comfortable with your date doesn’t mean you have to mouth off everything that has happened to you since childhood and what made you come out of the closet, etc. Well, guess what—not everyone wants to hear about all your sob stories, so be careful about the kind of information you’re giving out, especially on the first date. Keep your conversations light and don’t forget to inject some humor too.

#13 Who pays the bill? It’s all too simple for a man-woman date. However, lesbian dating can be more complicated when the restaurant bill comes. Who should grab the check as it sits on the table like some hot potato? A general rule of thumb is this: whoever asked for the date must pay for it. It was the asker’s idea after all. However, offering to pay for your share *and preparing to really pay, no hard feelings* is just fair.

#14 Go for it, sister. Unlike man-woman dates, having sex on the first date doesn’t result in slut-shaming in the lesbian world. As long as you’re comfortable with each other and there’s chemistry, then you should go for it.

Still, rule #5 still stands. Guard your heart, but do whatever feels right so you won’t wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweat, regretting why you didn’t do it. [Read: Why there’s nothing wrong with having sex on the first date]

#15 Decide where to crash. Now if you indeed have decided to sleep together, take some things into consideration. Whose place is closer? Whose place is nicer and more private? Do you trust her enough to invite her into your place? Always remember to play it safe wherever you decide to spend the night together.

[Read: What is it really like to have a lesbian experience?]

So now that you have gotten the lesbian dating questions out of the way, it’s up to you on how you want to proceed. Whatever you decide on, don’t be afraid to make mistakes as a newly out lez. Learn from these and enjoy the ride.

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Tiffany Reyes
Tiffany Grace Reyes
Tiffany is a wordsmith who has played with words ever since her letter-to-the-editor was published nationally at the age of 9. Since then her writing has gone f...
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