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Lesbian Bed Death: What It is & How to Bring the Oomph Back in Bed

If you’re experiencing lesbian bed death, you might be worried that your relationship is about to end. Don’t panic! You can bring the spark back.

lesbian bed death

While lesbians aren’t the only ones who face a declining frequency of sex in long-term relationships, the term, lesbian bed death, was coined for a variety of reasons.

Lesbians tend to be satisfied with other expressions of love, like cuddling, kissing, and spending quality time together. So then, you might find that you have way less sex, or even stop having it all together. In that case, you’re struggling with lesbian bed death.

If you’ve fallen into a pattern where you don’t even realize how much time has passed since you last had sex, it’s not a massive cause for concern. It isn’t a sign that your relationship is flawed or that your partner doesn’t love or desire you. It’s simply that you’ve fallen into a rut that plagues both lesbian and heterosexual couples.

[Read: Lesbian love – What it’s really like to date a woman]

What is lesbian bed death?

The term sounds pretty drastic, but it’s got nothing to do with a real death. It basically means that, as we’ve already established, you may be having sex a little less than you really want to. It’s not just a week or two that’s passed, but to be struggling with lesbian bed death, it has to be a pretty decent amount of time. We’re talking about months here.

For sure, every couple, whether lesbian or not, can struggle with a low amount of sex. For some, it might not even be an issue. Maybe you’re not really that bothered about sex – some people just aren’t!

As long as your relationship has plenty of intimacy in other ways and you still feel as in love as you did before, you’re good to go. But, if one partner is wishing that the sex was a little more frequent, resentment can start to set in.

The concept of lesbian bed death is also around the fact that the longer you’re in a lesbian relationship, the less frequent sex becomes, due to a range of different issues. It could be stress, boredom, illness, a huge range of problems that can occur in life.

The good news? It’s fixable. [Read: Lesbian stereotypes – 15 common cliches we hear about all the time]

Why might sex start to dwindle in a lesbian relationship?

Lower frequency of sex in lesbian relationships doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. Sometimes everything else in the relationship is flourishing, and the only thing lacking is the frequency of sex.

A declining sex drive usually comes down to the fact that not all women have similar libidos, and some women simply have bigger sexual appetites than others.

When you throw hormone fluctuations, body image issues, and monthly periods into that mix, sexual appetites can vary drastically. Regardless of what the underlying issues are, there are a variety of ways you can improve your relationship and perform sex life CPR. [Read: How do lesbians have sex? All the truths about girl on girl sex]

How to overcome lesbian bed death and leave the rut behind

So, we know that lesbian bed death is categorized by the fact you haven’t had sex for a good while.

It’s also evident when neither of you really try to initiate sex and if you’re honest, you can’t really remember the last time you wanted to jump on your partner, or they can’t remember – maybe you’re desperate and don’t know how to bring it up.

Regardless of what the situation is, you can overcome lesbian bed death by being proactive.

It takes both of you to overcome this problem but you can breathe brand new life into your relationship and start jumping one another’s bones again like you did when you first met! [Read: It’s a girl thing – The 17 sexiest positions to make you feel and look like a pro]

1. Keep the communication flowing

Effective communication is essential for any healthy relationship to grow and flourish. A woman’s arousal usually begins in her mind.

So, by engaging in stimulating, fun conversation, you can keep the spark alive. Laugh often, and talk about what you love about each other regularly. Practice being more vocally appreciative of one another.

When women feel appreciated and special, they will also feel more open to being intimate. It’s also important to talk about any fantasies and sexual practices you’d like to try. This will help your partner feel included in your fantasies, instead of feeling like an outsider with separate sexual needs.

Communication helps the cohesiveness of your partnership and ensures that your bond remains as strong as it was in the beginning. [Read: 20 sexy text messages to start a naughty conversation]

2. Throw a little romance into the mix

Often, in relationships, partners will be very romantic at the beginning, and will slowly become less and less romantic as the relationship progresses.

Partners often feel the comfort and security of a growing relationship is a replacement for romance. Some women need to feel romanced in order to get in the mood, whereas others merely need a physical nudge.

Romantic gestures, like candlelight dinners, bubble baths for two, and surprise love notes are a great way to start infusing the romance into your relationship again. These things will help show your partner that you are still trying to win her over and show her that the romantic feelings have not dissipated.

For sure, it’s normal for romance to ebb and flow. When you’ve been together for a while, you might stop making an effort. That goes for both of you. But when you start to realize that lesbian bed death might be a problem, go back to basics.

Make her feel appreciated and sexy again. Maybe life has just got in the way and everything has become monotonous. It’s not a lost cause! [Read: Sexual arousal – 15 incredibly arousing ways to get and stay horny]

3. Foreplay it up around the clock!

Foreplay shouldn’t be overlooked when it comes to sex. It also shouldn’t only be used right before sex.

Initiating foreplay at any time of the day shows that you desire your partner. So, by the time you get to the right moment, you’ll need a little more than a nudge to light her proverbial fire.

How about sending sexts when she’s at work? She’ll be turned on by the time she gets home and you can start to fix the lesbian bed death issue that’s started to plague your relationship.

Of course, make sure she’s not busy when you send a sext. It can be more annoying than arousing in that case! [Read: How to foreplay – The key for the best sex of your life]

4. Bring the spontaneity back into your relationship

Being spontaneous and playful in your relationship with each other will help nurture excitement and closeness. Leaving little notes and giving gifts out of the blue will ensure that your partner always knows that she is special to you and on your mind.

Doing your best to bring spontaneity into your relationship will also keep the fires burning in the bedroom, and inspire both of you to try new things.

Life can be pretty boring sometimes and a spot of something new is all it needs to inject new life. The same goes for your love life. Sex can become boring, even if you’re having it regularly.

If you always do the same things when you do have sex, that could be why you’ve fallen foul of lesbian bed death. You’re both bored! Mix things up and surprise one another – that may be all you need. [Read: 18 ways to become more spontaneous in life]

5. Keep a certain amount of mystery

Maintaining a certain level of mystery in your relationship helps keep things alive and fresh. When your partner knows all there is to know, there is always the chance of growing bored.

Maintaining some mystery and throwing a curveball here and there will make sure the relationship never goes stale. Take up a new hobby or change your hairstyle, for example, to show your partner that you aren’t predictable or stagnant.

The same goes for your efforts to steam up your sex life. Don’t give it all away – keep surprising her with new things and she’ll always be on her toes. Of course, you both need to put the effort in here – you can’t do it alone. [Read: The top 50 kinky sex ideas worth trying at least once in your lifetime]

6. Maintain your self-esteem

Feeling bad about yourself isn’t the best way to feel sexy and turned on. Your partner may love you the way you are, but if you are constantly bashing your appearance or not allowing your partner to see you naked, you might be causing her attempts to come to a screeching halt. [Read: 10 signs of low self-esteem and 5 ways to increase it]

She may even end up feeling rejected and not want to initiate after being turned down. Take care of your body and appearance; although you are in love, that doesn’t mean your partner wouldn’t like to see you dress up once in a while.

When you work on your confidence, amazing things happen. It doesn’t just affect your sex life, but everything beyond it. Your partner will see that you’re making a real effort and it’ll be such a turn-on for her. [Read: How to spice up your sex life in 30 super sexy ways]

7. Keep the intimacy alive in other ways

Intimacy is an important aspect of any relationship. Without regular displays of intimacy and affection, such as kissing, holding hands, cuddling, and quiet time together, the interest in sex will be lacking altogether.

Intimacy in all of its forms is essential for arousal and helps stoke the fire of sexual desire.

Many people falsely believe that intimacy is just about sex. It’s not. It’s about being open with one another and showing your affection. You don’t have to be naked and getting it on to do that.

However, lesbian bed death can be an issue because you both become satisfied with other forms of intimacy only. The idea is that you need a blend of both sexual and non-sexual intimacy. That’s a good balance that will ensure you never have this deathly feeling again! [Read: 13 weird, unique ways to build intimacy with your partner]

8. Get away from it all

Some well-deserved one-on-one time can help reignite the passionate feelings that brought the two of you together in the first place—even if it’s just to a hotel in a tourist trap.

It gets you out of your usual atmosphere and feeds your fantasies. You know what they say – a change is as good as a rest! This special time spent together can truly refresh your relationship and enhance your sexual bond. [Read: 10 things a sex vacation can do for your sex life]

9. Remember to also spend time alone

While this might seem counterproductive, absence truly does make the heart grow fonder. Spending time alone will help strengthen feelings of admiration and love for each other.

When you spend too much time together, you are never quite alone with your thoughts, and don’t have time to miss the other person.

That doesn’t mean you need to go completely the other way and never spend time together. It’s about finding a balance between the two that works well. [Read: How to give space in a relationship and feel closer without drifting apart]

10. Start spicing things up to steer away from lesbian bed death

When it comes down to the nitty-gritty, there are a variety of ways you can bring lesbian bed death crashing down. Introduce toys into your sex life, or take a trip to the sex store. Talk to each other about your fantasies and work to make them a reality.

Role-playing, trying on different outfits, watching porn together, and acting out certain fantasy scenarios can all do wonders for bringing the excitement back into your sex life.

Making the effort to turn your partner on regularly, and aiming to fulfill their sexual desires, will only create a longer and stronger relationship. [Read: 14 sexy ways to get your partner to open up and sex and start getting excited again]

To overcome lesbian bed death, you both need to put in the effort

All of these tips to overcome lesbian bed death are very well and good, but they’re not going to work if it’s just one partner putting in the effort. To overcome this stale sensation in your relationship, you both need to be on the same page.

Sit down and have an honest talk about the situation. You could mention that you’ve heard about lesbian bed death and after thinking about your situation, you think that it’s what you’re struggling with as a couple.

Then, you can explore the problem together and work out a way to overcome it. Don’t use blame language when talking to your partner and basically make them feel like it’s their fault that you’re not having as much sex as you’d like. You’ve both allowed it to get to this stage, after all.

When you work together, there will be no doubt that you can overcome your dry patch and things will start moving in the opposite direction very quickly indeed.

[Read: All the reasons why lesbian porn is way, way hotter than straight porn for almost all women]

A fading sex life can affect any relationship, but it’s not always an indication of an unhappy relationship. However, when one or both partners’ sexual needs are left unmet, it can lead to trouble in paradise and the infamous lesbian bed death. And these tips help nurture an active and regular sex life, while taking your relationship to new levels of intimacy.

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Preeti Tewari Serai
Preeti Serai
Preeti, the founder of LovePanky, is an eternal optimist and believer in the beauty of love and life. With an exhaustive experience in love, relationships, and ...