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46 Secrets to Sexually Arouse a Woman Mentally But Not Make It Obvious

If you want to know how to sexually arouse a woman, it’s not really such a mystery. Read on to find out exactly what you need to do to please her.

how to arouse a woman

Many men think that to arouse a woman all you need to do is get some big muscles and ride a motorcycle. Now, we’re not saying that doesn’t work, but there’s way more to it. 

You guys don’t think it’s that easy… right? Unless you’re Brad Pitt or Ryan Gosling, you’ll have to put in a little more elbow grease than that. And that is why you need us to show you how to arouse a woman.

You’re probably rolling your eyes, thinking women are so much work. It’s not that they’re a lot of work, they just get aroused differently than men. All you need to do is know what turns women on and you’ll be well on your way to being a Casanova!

How long does it take to turn a woman on?

This is not an easy question to answer because all women and their bodies are different. However, some researchers took on the task of trying to figure it out.

According to a study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the average amount of time it takes the average straight woman to reach orgasm is 13 minutes and 46 seconds. 

One of the most interesting findings of the study is that penetrative sex is rarely the best way for a woman to orgasm. Only 31.4% of women could climax that way. The rest of the women needed some other form of sexual activity.

Also, some sexual positions were more effective than others. The one that made women orgasm the most was the woman-on-top position, where 42.2% of the women reported getting off. [Read: How to please a woman in bed and make her addicted to you]

How to know if a girl is turned on

While every woman is different, there are some signs that most women will exhibit when they are turned on.

First, she will get wet. This is a biological necessity; it allows the penis to enter the vagina much more easily by preventing friction. 

Next, watch her breathing. If she’s really turned on, her breathing will get faster, and she will “gasp” for air more than normal. [Read: 20 Desirable ways to make your woman feel wanted, sexy, and beautiful]

She also will start making more noises, such as moans or non-verbal sounds: “oooohhh,” “aaahhhh” and “mmmmm.” These sounds will also be accompanied by some unique facial expressions, which you won’t see when she’s not turned on. 

So, watch out for these signs and you’ll know when your moves are getting the job done!

Male vs. female arousal

Human beings can experience two types of arousal: mental and physical. Physical arousal comes from directly touching erogenous zones or the genitals. It can also happen indirectly, if a couple is dancing in a sexy way or cuddling together.

Mental arousal is the thought process of becoming aroused. In other words, thinking about sex or the potential of having it. [Read: 20 physical signs of female arousal to recognize a girl feeling horny]

One of the most important differences between men and women is that men’s two paths to arousal are connected – and can’t be separated. When he becomes physically aroused, then he also becomes mentally aroused, and vice versa. 

This is why men don’t need the same kind of warm-up time as women do. Their arousal is more like an ignition switch, that just jump-starts them right away.

However, for women, arousal is much more complex. Their arousal pathways are completely separate and work in a feedback-style system. [Read: Sexual arousal – 15 incredibly arousing ways to get and stay horny]

Women usually need to begin with mental arousal first. Then, if their partner gets past that, physical arousal can begin. That’s why it’s so important to learn how to arouse a woman, because it’s not nearly so easy to do as it is for a man.

Dos and don’ts for arousing a woman

If you want to know how to arouse a woman the right way, you need to know the basic dos and don’ts. Here are the things you need to remember.


1. Establish consent

This should be obvious, but unfortunately – for some men – it isn’t. You need to make sure she really wants to have sex or have a sexual experience with you.

Don’t just assume that she does just because you want it. And definitely don’t force anything on her. [Read: Horny women – 17 signs to recognize a girl who’s looking for a hookup]

2. Use your breath

Breathing can be sexy and should be used in the process of sexually arousing a woman. Gently blow on her neck, ears, thighs, or back. Not only does the breath feel good, but it’s also a real turn-on for women too.

3. Read the signs 

Some guys aren’t so good at picking up on subtle cues and signs in other people, and women in particular. So, watch her body language and expressions. Does she flinch when you touch her somewhere and pull away? Or does her face look like she’s enjoying herself? 

4. Groom yourself

Women like a man who’s nicely groomed from head to toe. So, make sure you shower, shave, brush your teeth, put some cologne on, and trim the hair in your genital area. If you don’t do these things, it will be a turn-off for her, and not a turn-on. [Read: Physical attraction – 20 hot secrets to look way more desirable instantly]


1. Assume you know what she likes

Every woman is different. Just because your last girlfriend liked being fingered doesn’t mean every girl does. You need to ask her what she likes so you can tailor your sexual moves to her liking – not to yours or your assumptions.

2. Use penetration to arouse her

Yes, women like penetrative sex. But it feels much better for guys than it does for most women. So, just because it turns you on, don’t assume that’s how you turn her on.

Focus on all of her erogenous zones, and don’t just jump straight into sex without foreplay.

3. Use dry hands to finger her

If she’s not already aroused, then she won’t be wet yet; if you try to arouse her using your fingers, they might not go in if she’s still dry. You might need to use your saliva to make your fingers wet, or even some lube. [Read: 13 perfectly good lube substitutes that are just as slippery as the real thing]

General guidelines for how to arouse a woman 

Unfortunately, men are only just learning more about women, since society only just became more open about the subject of sex. Thankfully, we’re no longer in the nineteenth century. 

Now you’re able to freely learn about sexuality and how to sexually arouse a woman both mentally and physically. The truth is there is a difference between men and women; by knowing the difference, you’ll be one step ahead of the game.

And isn’t the whole point of this to be a better lover? So, let’s learn about the ways to sexually arouse a woman mentally. It’s time to unravel the mystery.

1. Understand women are different

But we’re also not that different. Of course, we can become visually aroused when we see an attractive man, for example. But, when it comes to women, in general, we’re all different. [Read: The common reasons why a woman fake an orgasm]

Sexual arousal depends greatly on people’s individual styles. Some women need more physical touch, whilst others are more aroused by emotional foreplay.

2. Turn on her mind

Most women become aroused by a trigger. That trigger could be a romantic moment or a kiss, that develops into arousal.

So, focus on sexually arousing her mentally first, because most women will not initiate sex out of thin air. It’s not that women are less sexual; it’s just that we function a bit differently. [Read: What do girls like in guys? Desirable traits and turn-offs women hate]

3. Take your time

If you want to know how to sexually arouse a woman mentally, take your time. You probably want to push through the steps, but take a step back and go slowly.

To sexually arouse a woman, it’s going to take time. For guys, touching a breast or just kissing is enough to get turned on within seconds. But for women, it’s a different story. Women want to be seduced. [Read: 15 non-sexual moves that really arouse women, anytime, anywhere]

4. Never assume you know what she likes

If you want to turn her on, don’t act like you know what she likes. If she drops signals about how she likes being touched or kissed, the worst thing you can do is ignore her hints. 

She’s showing you the signs for you to follow, not for you to ignore them and just do what you think she’s into.

5. Create an experience

If you want to mentally arouse a woman, create an experience that will arouse her. Maybe it’s a romantic setting or a deep conversation you have together.

As we said, women are turned on by triggers. Create a trigger that she will respond to positively. [Read: How to excite a girl mentally and make her horny]

6. Relate to her

It’s about having a connection. If you want to mentally arouse a woman, you need to relate to her. Intimacy is always better when there’s a connection between two people. 

Sure, there are times when being intimate with a complete stranger is arousing, but most of the time, women are looking for a connection. 

7. Eye contact

Do you know what’s not sexually arousing? When a guy doesn’t look at you. It’s weird. It makes red flags pop up in our heads. It doesn’t make us think of good things. [Read: Eye f**king – How to master the art of intense sexual eye contact]

So, if you don’t want to be labeled a creep, make some eye contact. Good eye contact establishes trust and helps people bond with one another. 

8. Develop a rapport

Even a girl you just met for a one-night stand has some rapport with you. If you only want to share a sexual experience together, you should have some rapport. You don’t need to know her middle name or what breed of dog she has, but you do need to get to know her a little bit. 

The more you know each other – or feel that you know each other – the more comfortable you will both feel. [Read: The guide on how to respect women that every man should read]

9. It’s all about foreplay

Yes. Foreplay is everything. This is the biggest part of intimacy, yet men often jump past this step. But this step is crucial, and you cannot skip it. 

Foreplay is when a woman becomes sexually aroused, and is a warm-up for intimacy. She needs that time.

10. Make her feel sexy

If you want to sexually arouse a woman, turn on her mind. You want to help her relax and make her feel comfortable around you. [Read: How to touch a girl on a date and make her desire you]

One way to do that is by making her feel sexy and letting her know that you think she’s sexy. Give her subtle compliments and react to her cues.

11. Use all of her erogenous zones

Everyone has erogenous zones. Of course, some zones are more sensitive than others depending on the person. 

So, explore a woman’s erogenous zones to find what really turns her on. Small caresses, touches, or kisses on her lower back, neck, or earlobes can really intensify the experience for her. [Read: 25 sex questions to ask a girl and leave her instantly wet]

12. Harness sexual energy

If there’s sexual energy in the air, harness it. If everything is going well and she’s giving you strong hints that she wants you, then you need to harness that sexual energy and increase the sexual tension between you. While you increase the tension, continue with foreplay, and watch the frustration grow. 

13. Don’t rush into sex

Here’s the thing about arousal for women – take it slow. If you rush through foreplay, you won’t mentally arouse her. 

Of course, if she’s ripping your clothes off, then that’s something different. But if she’s going slow, follow her pace. She’ll let you know when she’s ready to move on. [Read: 14 clues to know when a girl is feeling horny and aroused]

14. Don’t force it

If she’s not feeling the mood and not responding positively to your advances, then don’t push it. Of course, you’re feeling horny and you’re aroused by her, but it must be a two-way street. 

You cannot force sexual arousal to happen on her end. She either feels it or not. And if she doesn’t, back off.

15. Tap into your feelings

Women are emotional – *so are men, but they’re less likely to admit it*! What you need to do is tap into what makes her the most aroused. [Read: How to get a girl really horny and wet just by casually sitting next to her]

A lot of women feel aroused when they feel truly desired by a guy. For other women, it’ll be the need to feel safe. So, you need to use your words and body in a way that gives her those feelings.

16. Get out of your head

If you’re not in the moment, we know. Oh, we know. We can actually see it in your eyes. So, either be in the moment, or just don’t do it! It’s not going to be pleasurable for her if you’re busy thinking about your ex or the exam you have tomorrow. [Read: How to get a girl really wet and horny just by sitting next to her]

17. Ask her what she likes

If you don’t ask, you don’t know. Right? So, just ask. Some women aren’t so forthcoming when telling you they don’t like how you’re doing something. If you ask, she’ll guide you and show you what she likes. It’s just so much more effective.

18. Use your hands

When in bed, please guys, use your hands. You have two of them, so you can get a lot done. There’s nothing worse than a guy who kisses you and keeps his hands to himself.

No! Grab us, squeeze us — we want to feel wanted. Show us you crave us.

19. Tease her

We like being teased. Not bullied, okay? Teased. There’s a difference. Joke around with us, flirt a bit, that’s all a part of teasing. Don’t worry, we’ll do it back to you. This helps build chemistry and sexual tension. [Read: How to tease a girl sexually and leave her thinking of you all day]

20. Random PDA

No, we don’t want you slobbering all over us on the bus. However, a kiss now and then or putting your hand on our waist are gestures that show you’re into us. Some women like more PDA while others don’t. Gauge it yourself.

21. Be you

If you want to be successful in arousing a woman, be yourself. You can do all of these tips, but just make sure you do them in your style. You don’t want a woman to be interested in some fake personality you’re using as a front. It’s not going to work.

22. Don’t throw yourself at her

We want to see if the guy is interested in us, but we don’t want a guy that shows up at our door in tears, sobbing about his undying love for us.

Women like a little masculinity. So, show us you’re interested, but take it down a couple of notches. [Read: 11 sexiest hot spots to kiss a woman and turn her on]

23. Fulfil the fantasy

All women have a fantasy of a perfect night with a man they’re sexually attracted to. So, feel free to dim the lights, light some candles, cook a delicious dinner *or get your mom to cook it for you the day before*. My point is, let her live that fantasy, and her panties will be soaked.

24. Get a little facial hair going

If you can’t grow a beard, it’s not the end of the world. However, women tend to like men who have a little stubble going on. 

Now, don’t get freaked out at the whole “parenting” thing, but women like men with beards because they’re perceived as better fathers. You can still grow the beard without having to have a kid, though! [Read: How to get a girl to have sex with you – The most important steps that won’t fail you]

25. Display confidence

Even if you are inexperienced or really nervous, you should try to act confident. Women find a confident man sexy. As the saying goes, “fake it ‘til you make it.” If she thinks you’re fumbling your way through, she will be turned off.

Unlikely erogenous zones to arouse a woman

Getting your girl tantalized with your touch is about to get a bit more complicated. We’re here to share some secret erogenous zones that are often overlooked. 

Sure, her mouth, lips, and nipples make her all hot and bothered, but there are a few more spots that might make her go weak in the knees. [Read: What turns women on and arouses them: 15 secrets unleashed]

Gentlemen, get ready to learn how and where to touch your girl to arouse her and drive her wild. Check out these hot spots she wants you to touch.

1. Scalp

It’s obvious why we all love a head massage, right? The scalp is covered with nerve endings, which is why it’s an extremely sensitive area. 

Touching it releases oxytocin—the trust hormone that brings couples closer together. It also increases blood flow, flooding her body with serotonin and dopamine, and provides a sense of relaxation while enhancing sexual pleasure. [Read: 20 things you can do to get a woman in the mood for sex]

Scalp massages are great when her hair is completely dry. That way, you can trace your fingernails over her skin. Move toward the base of her head, where it meets the neck. 

Then move your fingers to the part behind her ears with an upward, forward motion. This action is extremely sensual, pampering, soothing, and seductive. What’s great about massaging her scalp is you can do it in public, to prepare her for private escapades to follow.

2. Ears

Women love having their ears sucked, licked, and kissed. Having warm air blown into her ears is what many enjoy the most. Women’s ears have over 120 acupressure points, so caressing her ears can be super stimulating.

Gently touching this area sends sexual energy throughout her body. Not to mention whispering sexy, dirty things while you’re there — she will go crazy! [Read: How to talk dirty to a girl and whisper all the right things]

Licking her ears can powerfully stimulate your girl, but make sure you’re approaching them with care. Don’t start with the ears; first, take good care of her lips and neck, and then start blowing warm air into her ears whilst telling her what you’re planning to do next.

3. Shoulders

Another area that’s super-sensitive is her shoulders. The skin around the neck and shoulders is thin, making this whole area one super erogenous zone. 

Your girl will love the tingly sensation she gets when you touch her here. A soft nibble, a caring and sweeping touch, a kiss, or a light tongue swirl is enough to get things going.

And don’t forget the collarbone area, as well as the area at the end of her jawline — give them a fly-by on the way down. [Read: 28 sensual and romantic secrets for a passionate and sexy kiss]

4. Wrists

This might come as a surprise to you, but yes, women love having their wrists nibbled and nuzzled. The inside of the wrists is covered with a fine layer of skin that makes this area extremely sensitive.

Start by lightly grazing the inside of her wrists with your fingers and tongue, and then gently nibble on the inside. Women find this area pleasurable when showered with kisses and nibbles. 

Do you know what’s the best thing about this zone? Chances are, the guys she’s been with before didn’t bother with this erogenous spot, so she will wonder what good she has done in this world to deserve a lover like you! [Read: How to make a girl want you and think of you sexually]

5. Side of the torso

Yes, it does sound like a ticklish scenario, but massaging her belly *especially the side of her torso* can be a passionate, erotic experience for her. 

The lower part of her stomach is extremely sensitive because it’s close to the genitals, but the side of her torso is also full of nerve endings — which is also the reason most people are ticklish when touched here.

During foreplay, lightly stroke her sides, but don’t fully touch her yet. Focus on building sexual tension while slowly and firmly trailing your fingers and tongue along her side. 

Soft kissing and light touching work like a charm here, because these gentle, playful moves evoke the slow, sexy burn of arousal. [Read: The beginners’ guide to tantric massages and examples to make sex last for hours!]

6. The back

Ahh, her sexy back. Start by kissing her neck, then move your lips down to her lower back. The back, though rich in nerve endings, is an often overlooked female erogenous zone.

Massaging her back will set the mood for a passionate night. While massaging, lick and kiss; she will love this. Run your tongue up and down her spine, and don’t forget to explore the lower back area.

7. The mons pubis

You might be unfamiliar with this word, but you’re undoubtedly familiar with the area —though chances are you might ignore it during foreplay. The mons pubis is the area right above the genitals, where pubic hair grows. [Read: What girls find attractive – 49 traits that make you irresistible]

A lot of men go directly to the vagina, since they don’t know that caressing the mons is extremely pleasurable and exciting.

Spend a few minutes tracing your fingers and tongue around this area, then tease her by getting close to her favorite spot. 

She will start getting fidgety, and even though you will want to start eating her out so badly, don’t go near her vagina yet. Let her jump you, because the right amount of pressure on the mons will immediately be transmitted to her clitoris. [Read: The secret tips and tricks to give her oral like a pro]

8. Buttocks

Yes, it’s true: women like it when you play with their behind, and many like it rough! They like squeezing and mild spanking. Wide hips and buttocks have been long considered signs of fertility in ancient cultures, so let’s show them some love, shall we?

Begin by fondling and caressing her buttocks and then start squeezing them. Since this area is denser, she will enjoy heavier pressure here. 

Pat, grab, knead, or give a gentle smack and watch her writhe. Grab handfuls while you’re kissing her or spank her buttocks — even the “good” girls tend to love sensual punishment.

9. Her hottest *and most obvious* spots

Although not so secret, we just can’t talk about erogenous zones without mentioning the hottest of all.

So, let’s start talking about the clitoris – the place where the most magic happens. It’s at the top of the vulva, where the inner labia join at their upper ends. 

Be gentle with her little friend; soft licks while rubbing circles around the clitoris with your thumb is more than enough to make her scream. [Read: How to finger a girl and make her squirt in no time]

The U spot

The U spot is the term given to the opening of the urethra. This area is super sensitive since it’s surrounded by erectile tissue that fills with blood once she’s sexually aroused. You can stimulate this spot with your finger, your tongue, or your member. 

Start by rubbing the area horizontally or vertically with your well-lubricated finger or tongue — but please, be gentle. Then rub it with the tip of your penis, and tease her a bit before penetrating her.

The G spot

The G spot is the most famous internal erogenous spot. This mysterious spot is located 2-3 inches (5-8cm) inside her vagina on the upper wall, and it feels a bit bumpier or spongier than the rest of the vagina. 

There are different sex toys designed specifically for massaging the G spot, as well as positions you can try that will hit her favorite spot almost every time, such as legs over shoulders, doggy style, and cowgirl. [Read: 21 delicate moves to finger a girl, make a girl squirm and squirt with pleasure]

The A spot

Finally, we have the A spot, or the “I’m-gonna-squirt” spot. It’s an area filled with sensitive tissue located at the inner end of the vaginal tube. When stimulated just right, it causes a woman to squirt. 

Place both your index and middle finger in her vagina and try to reach the deepest point just above the cervix. Once you touch a spongy area, apply pressure and move the fingers in an in-and-out motion. This way, you’re stimulating both the G spot and A spot simultaneously.

10. Her mind

That’s right, the mind is a powerful erogenous zone for every human being. It’s the area where sexual desire starts. And let’s not forget: the brain commands our orgasms. So, the best way to turn her on is via her brain. [Read: How to talk dirty to a girl – with examples]

Whisper your sexual fantasies to her in a soft, sexy tone, and she’ll be on top of you in no time. What style does she prefer, romantic or nasty? 

Tell her exactly what she wants to hear. When her mind gets excited, her body follows suit. Remember: seduction is an art form, and it’s usually practiced in the imagination.

What is arousal disorder? 

If you have tried everything you can to arouse your woman but it just isn’t working, it could be female sexual arousal disorder. Unfortunately, it’s fairly common. About 40 percent of women experience some sort of sexual dysfunction in their life. [Read: 14 amazing types of female orgasms all girls can experience in bed]

Arousal disorder is when someone has trouble getting sexually stimulated, or when their body just doesn’t respond to sexual stimulation. It is also linked to other female sexual problems such as pain during intercourse, inability to orgasm, and lack of sexual desire.

For some women, it can come and go. Some have it all the time, but some only experience it occasionally.

Diagnosis of arousal disorder

Here are some signs and symptoms to look out for.

a. Decreased sexual excitement or pleasure during sex

b. Reduced arousal from internal or external sexual cues

c. Lack of genital or non-genital sensation during sex

d. Decreased sexual desire

e. Few thoughts related to sex

f. Less initiation of sexual activity

You are probably wondering how this is diagnosed. Well, sometimes it’s difficult for doctors to diagnose it, since many times the causes are attributed to a combination of underlying conditions. Also, some women may feel uncomfortable talking to their doctor about their sex life. [Read: How to increase sex drive in women – The best libido boosting methods]

Most doctors will start by simply asking questions about a woman’s mental and sexual health. They will probably do a pelvic examination too, so they can rule out any physical causes such as nerve damage or infection. Finally, a complete blood count test can be done to look at the woman’s overall health.

If the doctor finds that the woman’s arousal disorder isn’t related to any physical causes, then they might refer her to a sexual psychotherapist to try to work through her psychological and emotional issues regarding sex. 

Treatment of arousal disorder

After diagnosis, the focus should be on treatment. [Read: Important female PSA – How to increase female libido quickly]

Depending on what the underlying cause is, most women are treated with medication, therapy, or a combination of both. Some medication-related treatments include hormone therapy or changing some other medication dosage, such as an anti-depressant.

Working with a sex therapist can also address any psychological and emotional issues related to the disorder. Even if there are no underlying mental health conditions, a therapist can help the woman figure out what sexually stimulates her and any barriers that might be getting in her way.

If a woman is in a committed relationship, then the therapist also might focus on how to build trust and intimacy with her partner. For women, these factors can play a big role in their sexual arousal or lack thereof. [Read: The biggest benefits of exercise on your mind, body, and libido]

The therapist can also assign “homework” such as fantasy training or masturbation. They can also help with some tools to talk through and communicate about sexual issues.

Other factors affecting arousal

Now you know that female arousal is complex, but there are also some other factors that could be affecting it in a negative way.

1. Hormonal shifts

As women age, their hormone levels decline. That’s why it’s more difficult for women to get pregnant after age 35. And as the decades go by, perimenopause and menopause can definitely affect not only sex drive but arousal as well. [Read: Why are girls so moody? 17 reasons and ways to help her deal with them]

2. Thyroid disorders

You wouldn’t think that your thyroid would be related to sexual arousal, but it can be.

The thyroid has many functions throughout the body, and if it’s not functioning properly, it can lead people to be overly fatigued, among other things. These will impact sexual arousal.

3. Mental health disorders

If a woman has a mental health disorder such as depression or something even more serious, that can take a toll on sexual arousal. Simply being depressed makes you “not in the mood” for anything in life, especially sex.

4. Diabetes

When someone has diabetes, this can result in hormonal changes or reduced blood flow to the genitals, Women who have diabetes have increased rates of vaginal inflammation and infection, too. Both of these can make sex painful and cause incontinence during sex.

[Read: Foreplay done right – The art of really turning her on]

Now that you know how to arouse a woman, you have no excuse. Go out and put these words into practice. Don’t give up – it may a couple of failed attempts to figure out what works for you and what doesn’t.

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Vinod Srinivas Serai
Vin Serai
Vin Serai is the founder of LovePanky.com, and has delved deep into the working of love and relationships for almost two decades. Having dipped his feet in almo...