It’s quite incredible, with the access that all of us have to information regarding sexual behavior, whether through the internet or other sources, that men keep making the same mistakes in the bedroom. Ask any number of women for their opinions on the worst things guys can do in bed, and it will be the same issues that arise again and again based, unfortunately, upon past experience.
It seems that many guys still favor the advice of friends and their own, poorly tuned, intuitive sense, rather than the advice of experts and the very people they are attempting to please.
Is seduction really like rocket science?
Not really. There’s no excuse for guys to get it as wrong as they often tend to, and it’s always really simple, silly and eminently avoidable things that account for the majority of their sexual blunders. Often, it’s a lot to do with unawareness and an inability to approach sex empathetically, but this can be trained into them and, if not, then they can at least be taught what definitely not to do.
So if you’re one of those guys who thinks he may have a little more to learn about how to please a woman, then read on to tackle our hit list of top bedroom gaffes. Women, if you have one of those men, then you might just want to “accidentally” leave this page open on your laptop!
#1 Poor hygiene. Such a ridiculous thing to get caught out on. The three rules of sexual hygiene are bathe, bathe and bathe some more. Men stink, it’s a fact, and they have to work four times harder than women to keep dirt and odor away.
However, nothing is more guaranteed to give a woman the creeps than some insidious putrid stench emanating from the deeper recesses of her lover’s nook and crannies, and the extra work to keep fresh and clean is absolutely crucial.
During sex, any smells already present, even if only faint, will be amplified tenfold by the sexual chemistry going on in the man’s body, and will become swiftly obvious. Good sex is clean sex, even when it’s dirty!
#2 Fumbling. Some guys are more familiar with the inner workings of a car or boiler unit than they are with a woman’s more intimate parts. They struggle with such fundamentals as breasts and buttocks, and if you mention the clitoris or g-spot, you are likely to be met with either a glazed, doleful expression or a nervous twitch and a sudden need to flee.
When these guys are let loose on a women’s body, it’s like watching a warthog try to ballet dance or a chimpanzee conduct a symphony orchestra – an absolute car crash. Again though, there is no excuse and plenty of guidance is available right here to help the lost and needy find their way from C to G. [Read: 18 sex tips to blow her mind in bed]
#3 Quick Draw McGraw. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am! Some guys have shot their bolt before the woman has even had time to untie her ponytail, let alone take any enjoyment in the proceedings. There are those who can’t prevent this due to some issue or condition that they need help with, and there is a lot of help available, just ask your doctor.
However, there are as many men who shoot early because sex is, to put it quite bluntly, something that they don’t believe is for mutual pleasure. These guys are unlikely to change such time-hardened inclinations, and no amount of cajoling or retraining is likely to produce any satisfying results for the woman involved. [Read: Quick tips on how to last longer in bed]
#4 Wolf balls. Things are steaming up, light foreplay and petting has been instigated, and she pulls her lover’s shorts slowly down his thighs. She is pleased to witness his erect member spring into view from its constraints beneath the cotton, anticipating the fun she is going to have with it later, but is less impressed when further removal of the said garment reveals what appears to be a pair of hibernating Siberian hamsters!
Men are always going on about women shaving their nether regions, but so often fail to extend the courtesy themselves. Choking on a mouthful of fur is no woman’s idea of a good time and failing to trim in advance is definitely one of the worst things a guy can do in the bedroom.
#5 Glue eye. Some guys have had more exposure to porn than to real women, and seem to think that there is no difference between the two. Hence, when the time comes to ejaculate they suddenly feel the need to perform a classic porn move, and swiftly rearrange themselves in order to “come” into contact with the woman’s face.
Firstly, it’s worth pointing out that jumping at a woman’s face with an erect penis is more likely to terrify her than turn her on. Secondly, contact between eye and semen is very uncomfortable, even quite painful. Ending a good sex session with terror and pain isn’t normally classed as a good night out and definitely makes it onto the list of the things a man shouldn’t aim for in the bedroom. [Read: 10 popular moves from porn guys love but women absolutely hate!]
#6 Sorry, I slipped. The oldest and worst excuse in the book. Some guys, rather the talking through the possibility of anal sex with their girlfriends in a caring and investigative manner, decide to take the whole thing into their own hands without discussion. This usually involves having sex doggy style, and at some point during the proceedings, accidentally slipping it into the wrong orifice.
Nobody believes this excuse. Anal sex is something that should be warmed up to, if the woman is willing to try it in the first place, that is. Suddenly plunging in is painful, potentially harmful and right at the top of the list for the worst thing a guy can do in bed. [Read: The curious guy’s guide to first time anal sex]
#7 Routine. Almost as bad as the guy who doesn’t know his way around a woman’s body, is the guy who thinks he does. He’s the one who’s read the textbooks, taken the advice and created his routine to make sure that he gets round all the vital points.
You know the type ladies – two minutes kissing, one minute on the left nipple, one minute on the right nipple, two minutes on the neck, repeat on the nipples and so forth. Lovemaking should be a responsive process, and the engineer’s approach to sexual exploration will leave nobody looking forward to the main event. [Read: 10 ways to make married sex feel like a one night stand]
#8 Farting. Unbelievable that this has to be pointed out, but farting is a no-no. And yet loads of guys, even on the first or second time of making love to someone, seem to think it’s okay – funny even. Well, NEWSFLASH! It isn’t okay. It isn’t funny. And you should definitely avoid it!
#9 Going to sleep. The ultimate insult. Whether rolling over and snoozing before proceedings begin or, even worse, during the event, this is one of the worst things anyone of any gender can do to another in bed. If the relationship continues afterwards, well, the offender is a very lucky man indeed.
#10 Ex tales. Comparing a sexual partner to an ex, even if favorably, during the sexual act is utterly unacceptable by any standards, and yet some guys actually do this. Nobody’s sure why they do – maybe they think they’re being helpful. But comments to the effect of “Alison used to do it a bit harder than that” are likely to attract a response from the hostility spectrum ranging from a chilling look of disdain right through to severe arterial bleeding.
[Read: 9 signs your sex life is taking a nosedive]
If you’re one of those guys guilty of the above behaviors, or a woman whose partner is, then maybe now is a good time to start reassessing your sexual relationship, and kick those bedroom blunders into touch.
Liked what you just read? Follow us on Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest and we promise, we’ll be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life.
LOVEPANKY IN YOUR INBOX
Get the very best of LovePanky straight to your inbox!