The penis is such a mysterious, magnificent thing. While it can have a boner, it doesn’t really have any bone in it. And while people can say some guys think with their dicks, their dicks often seem to really have a mind of their own.
This elongated lump of skin, muscle, veins, and blood have, throughout time, given pleasure to all of mankind. Depending on how it fits in the underpants, the penis can boast a lot of shapes and sizes.
If you’re a lady who has seen your share of schlong, you’ll know that there’s more to a penis type than just left, right and center. Each has a different look, feel, and—yes—behavior. They have different ways of pleasing you, too. Some can take you by surprise, while some can leave you taken aback *and not in a good way*.
13 types of penises you may come across in bed
The next time you are out with a guy and crawl into bed with him, come armed with the knowledge of these types of penises so you can be prepared. You don’t want to be caught off-guard with his pants down, right? *Well, unless it’s really THAT gorgeous…*
#1 The Grower. We all know this as one of the two most-prominent classifications of the penis. This is the more discreet type, because you never know just how long and big it can go, unless you go all the way with the guy. At first it might seem small, but rub it just a little and it grows 2 to 3 times its flaccid size. Magic!
#2 The Shower. “What? That’s it?” There are those dicks that seem mighty impressive and imposing even while in pants. You may have stolen below-the-belt glances at that seemingly well-endowed officemate, but come Christmas party, you both get raunchy back in his place, and you find out that’s all there is to it. The shower types are really showy, but when they get hard, the initial size and length isn’t any different. [Read: Why so many women get penis envy!]
#3 The Banana. Well, the name is a giveaway. This kind of monkey pole is shaped and bent just like a banana. They may be dangling straight out when flaccid, but when they get hard, they bend down. This may make it appear small, but try it out for size; you might be surprised by how perfectly it rubs against your clitoris, and even your G-spot, with every thrust. Be careful doing the doggy, though. You may end up walking weird afterwards.
#4 The Thor. This penis isn’t all big and ripped like the comic book hero. We called this penis type Thor because it’s shaped like a hammer. The head is big and the shaft is small, like a mushroom *we’ll go with the name “hammer” because it sounds sexier, and there’s a mushroom penis we’ll tackle later*. This dick is perfect for touching the entirety of your vaginal walls—and, with shallow thrusts, your G-spot.
#5 The Shroom. The mushroom manhood looks much like The Thor, but with more, shall we say, exaggerated features. It is typically smaller in size, and the head is more rounded, like an umbrella or a mushroom cap. To get the most of this old chap, you’d better opt for doggy to allow for deeper thrusting, while making the base gratifyingly rub against your clitoris.
#6 The “C.” Simply put, this cock is shaped like a “C.” This is a penis that bends to the right when erect. This slight distortion is due to a disease called Peyronie’s Disease, which is caused by a plaque forming along the length of the penis. This C-bend can also be caused by accidents or trauma to the penis. While sex for the C penis can be painful, spooning and saddling can be highly satisfying. Fortunately, the vagina can keep the dick straight once inside. [Read: 11 health related reasons why sex can be really painful for men]
#7 The “S.” Weirder and less common than the “C,” is the “S” penis. This is a seemingly slithering purple monster, because it bends to one side and the other in an “S” shape. Despite its distorted shape, don’t write off this schlong as a freak of nature, because it may just make you a freak in bed. Depending on him and how he can make the most of his package, you can achieve “O” due to the tingling effect this shape brings.
#8 The Chode. Wider than it is long, it is the Danny DeVito of penises. But don’t be turned off by this stump just yet. Though it can be very wide and typically stands at 4 to 5 inches, it can be very pleasurable, as it will satisfactorily fill every nook and cranny of your vagina. With deep thrusts, you can achieve maximum climax with this little fellow. Just be sure to have enough lubrication. [Read: 8 best sex positions for men with tiny penises]
#9 The Pencil. This love rod is, indeed, as straight as a rod. It appears straight and slim like a pencil. Its head is also almost the same width as the shaft, making it look very sleek and elongated. While this can be long, “wide” ladies won’t get much of that delish friction they need to get off. It can also poke your cervix, making sex painful. Woman on top and spooning are good positions, but be careful when doing anal—you might just end up with a stick up your ass.
#10 The Carrot. The Carrot is perhaps the most desirable penis for women. It is slim in the end and gradually becomes thick at the base. The head is smaller and the shaft is bigger, forming a soft triangular shape that gives gradual pleasure to any woman in any position. Penetration is easy and sleek, but as the stiffy goes in deeper, the “ooh la la” sensations increase. [Read: The 30 day sex challenge – 30 fun sex positions for 30 nights of fun]
#11 The Angry Wrestler. This penis seems angry when erect, because it has veins popping out all over it. It looks veiny, but a sexier way to put it is “angry.” So this angry old chap can turn you on as you take in the veins lining up its length. There’s something primal and raw about this member, and you may even feel a slight, yet surprisingly awesome-feeling, throbbing of the veins inside you, giving you a subtle vibrating effect.
#12 The Old One. This old chap looks…really old. This is because it seems to be buried in a droopy robe of foreskin, making you wonder if it’s erect or flaccid, big or small. As enigmatic as this withering rod may seem, it can be difficult to find pleasure, even when the Old One is inside you.
#13 The Woolly Mammoth. If you remember Mr. Snuffleupagus on Sesame Street, then you know what we’re talking about. This type of penis should actually be an ancient relic of penises past, with hygiene and grooming standards significantly more prominent today than the days of the caveman. This shaggy shag stick can be quite puzzling—and pungent—as you don’t know where the penis ends and the balls begin.
[Read: What do women really think about a penis?]
Penises are wonderful. They’re fun to play with, they please us, tease us, and they get the deed done. They’re also a yummy, toe-curling reminder that women can make guys do anything. However, despite the variety, there’s more to sexual satisfaction than a well-endowed pecker. Guys—and girls—should know well how to make the most of what they’ve got to get the most pleasure out of a penis.
[Read: Big Vs. Small and why bigger isn’t always better for you]
So there you have it. We’ve given you the low-down on the down-below of our beloved men. We’ve found out that not all wangs are created equal. But one thing is for sure: weiner beauty is in the eye of the beholder—and the owner.
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