If you’ve ever had fantasies of being tied up and told what to do, but you’re unsure how to actually do it, this guide on submissive sex is for you.
If you find yourself being extremely turned on when your partner is towering over you, demanding you pleasure them, you might be someone who is really into submissive sex but has never really realized it before.
Now, getting into this whole submissive-dominant kind of setup during sex can be intimidating, understandably. However, you don’t have to worry about diving straight into anything overly complex or intense. You can start by reading this article so you have an idea of how this whole submissive sex works. [Read: How to be a badass: 25 ways to be intimidating & desirable all at once]
What is Submissive Sex?
For those of you who have only heard this term muttered before by your partner or just happened across it in some erotic novel like Fifty Shades of Grey, but don’t actually know what this form of sex is, I’ll help you out.
When you have submissive sex, there is a dominant person and a submissive person. The dominant person has ALL the power. They make the rules. They take control. They make all the decisions.
The submissive person—you, in this case—gives up their power and free will for the duration of the sexual act or acts. The submissive does everything the dominant person tells them, and they do it without complaining—or else. [Read: Power struggles in a relationship: Signs & ways to overcome it]
How Many People Are Having Submissive Sex?
If you get hot and heavy with the idea of being strapped down, you’re not alone at all. It is estimated that 53% of the population in the United States have a preference for submissive/dominant sex.
This is not an uncommon feeling. There are many different reasons why you might be extremely aroused at the thought of being submissive. Just know that it’s completely normal, and there are tons of people out there who feel the same.
How to Have Submissive Sex
While it may seem easy to just let your partner tell you what to do, there’s a lot more to submissive sex than just that. If you’re really looking to take your sex life to the next level, these guidelines make submissive sex more fun and much safer.
1. Talk To Your Partner
First things first. To have submissive sex, tell your partner you are interested in it. This could go over several different ways. They could be confused, shocked, or even intrigued.
Just remember your sexual needs are just as important as theirs. Talking to them about having submissive sex is the first step towards actually engaging in it. [Read: How to open up about sex & get your partner to share their desires]
2. Decide Who is Submissive and Who is Dominant
The truth is, there are some people naturally more dominant and some naturally submissive. If you want to be the submissive, tell them.
This type of sex takes two different types of people to pull it off. If your partner just isn’t dominant in any form and you find they’re actually more submissive than you, having submissive sex won’t be easy, unless you want to be dominant.
3. Do Some Research
There is a TON of information on the internet about submissive sex. To learn the most about it and even get ideas for different acts you want to play out, do some research on it.
This should also be done together. When you research the different information together, you’ll really get an understanding of what each person wants out of it, and that makes sex much more enjoyable.
4. Agree on the Boundaries
There should be boundaries when having submissive sex. Because there are a lot of different ways to have submissive sex, you’ll want to set a clear boundary on what is too much to avoid awkwardness and even getting hurt.
One good way to do this is to just experiment with each other. Try some new stuff and tell them if you really like it, or if you’d rather not engage in that type of activity during your time being submissive. [Read: Boundaries in a relationship: 43 healthy dating rules you MUST set early on]
5. Discuss the Terms
Some people take their submissive sex relationship to an extreme level and even live their life with their partner being dominant in all factors of it. This is usually the rarest form of submission, but it does happen.
Discuss how long of a time you will be in your submissive mode. Will it ONLY be during sex, only while you’re in the house, or will you take it a step further and be submissive at all hours of the day?
6. Pick a Safe Word
Trust us, you’ll need it. Safe words are perfect to use during everyday submissive behavior, but they’re most important to use during sex. Even if you have boundaries set, there could be times when your significant other is doing something that hasn’t been covered yet.
Making sure you have a safe word available to use in these situations prevents you from being hurt or uncomfortable. Make sure it’s a simple word easily recognized by your partner.
7. Take Things Slow at First
Jumping right into a submissive relationship when you’ve never done it before can be tough. You’re not used to it and coming on too strong can have a negative impact on how you experience submissive sex.
Take things very slowly and try small submissive behavior out before getting into the Fifty Shades of Grey territory. It takes some time to learn what you like and what you should label as a boundary. [Read: 50 shades of dangerous sex: The right way to get risque]
8. Try Some Role Playing to Get Into the Mindset
When you’re first starting out, getting into the submissive mindset can be a little tough, especially when you’ve never tried it before. A good way to do this is by role-playing different acts that put you as submissive.
Great ones to try are boss/employee, professor/student, and even master/slave. Each of these places you into the mindset and even helps your partner become more dominant if they’re struggling with it too. [Read: Sexual role play: How to try it & the 35 best roleplay ideas for couples]
9. Keep an Open Line of Communication
Submissive sex gets a little complicated depending on how extreme things are taken. The submissive individual can end up feeling hurt emotionally if things are taken too far.
Keeping an open line of communication with your partner makes things go much more smoothly. You’ll feel better about discussing what was offensive or insulting to you rather than keeping it all inside and feeling bummed out often.
10. Experiment With a Range of Different Submissive Behaviors
Now that you’ve started your journey to submissive sex, you should experiment with different things. I’m not just talking about playing different roles. I’m talking about changing up your routine.
Try taking submission a step further, and do it more and more. Try different toys, whips, restraints, and even gags. You never know what you could end up loving. [Read: Spanking women: 23 sexy spanking secrets to spank a girl and arouse her]
11. Don’t Be Afraid to Ask For More
If your partner is being timid and feels like they’re going to hurt you or they’re just not being as dominant as you’d like them to be, don’t be afraid to ask them for more.
Trust us, they want to make sure you’re being satisfied to the best of their ability and will change the way they’re doing something if it’s just not enough for you. [Read: Top 50 kinky sex ideas that are worth trying at least once in life]
12. Understand Your Own Desires and Limits
Before engaging in submissive sex, it’s essential to reflect on what draws you to the experience. Think about what aspects excite you and what makes you hesitant. Knowing your own “hard” limits *non-negotiable boundaries* and “soft” limits *things you’re unsure about but open to discussing* is key to feeling comfortable and safe.
One helpful tool is a “Yes/No/Maybe” list, where you outline activities you’re enthusiastic about, those you want to avoid, and ones you might try depending on the situation. This exercise can clarify what you want out of the experience and ensure your needs are met.
It also opens up a clear, productive dialogue with your partner. By understanding your boundaries in advance, you’re setting yourself up for a more enjoyable and positive exploration of submissive dynamics. [Read: 42 secrets to communicate better in a relationship & ways to fix a lack of it]
13. Negotiate Your Dynamic
Submissive sex often involves a unique power dynamic, so discussing the terms beforehand is important. Decide if the dynamic will only take place during sex or extend beyond the bedroom into daily interactions.
Some people prefer keeping it within a specific timeframe, while others may enjoy fluid dynamics that change based on mood or mutual consent. Establishing these details ensures you’re on the same page and avoids potential misunderstandings.
Use this conversation to decide on any specific roles, behaviors, or rituals you want to incorporate into your play.
14. Set Expectations for Aftercare
Aftercare is an essential part of submissive sex, as it helps both partners process the physical and emotional intensity of the experience. Before engaging in any play, talk about what each of you might need afterward to feel comfortable and cared for.
Some people may want physical touch, like cuddling or a massage, while others might prefer verbal reassurance or time alone to recharge. Knowing what works for your partner ensures that both of you feel respected and supported. [Read: How to cuddle someone: A guide to snuggle up and feel the love]
Aftercare isn’t just for the submissive partner, dominants may also need time to unwind or talk through the session. Make aftercare a priority in your routine to reinforce trust and build a deeper connection.
15. Create a Comfortable Environment
Setting the right mood and environment for submissive sex is crucial for both partners to feel safe and at ease. Choose a private, distraction-free space where you can fully immerse yourself in the experience.
Consider how elements like dim lighting, soft music, or cozy bedding can create a relaxing atmosphere. A comfortable environment allows you to focus on the dynamic rather than external stressors or interruptions.
Make sure you have any tools or props you plan to use within easy reach. Taking the time to prepare your space shows care and consideration for your partner, which helps build trust. When the environment feels right, it’s easier to enjoy the experience fully.
16. Practice Reading Nonverbal Cues
During submissive sex, it’s important to pay attention to your partner’s nonverbal cues, as these can communicate feelings that words might not. Observe body language, breathing patterns, and facial expressions to understand how your partner is responding. [Read: Male body language: 48 subtle signs to instantly read a man’s thoughts]
If they seem tense or hesitant, it could mean they’re uncomfortable or unsure about something. On the other hand, relaxed movements and positive reactions signal enjoyment and comfort. Nonverbal communication is especially important when someone feels shy or nervous about speaking up. Make it a habit to check in and adjust as needed to ensure the experience stays consensual and enjoyable.
17. Try Incorporating Props and Toys
Using props and toys can enhance the experience of submissive sex and introduce variety into your dynamic. Start with beginner-friendly options like silk ties for light bondage, blindfolds to heighten sensory focus, or a vibrating toy for added pleasure.
If you’re interested in exploring more, consider items like collars, paddles, or leashes. Make sure any props you use are body-safe and easy to handle. Always talk about how each tool will be used and ensure both partners are comfortable with them.
Doing this lets you experiment without feeling overwhelmed. Props can be a great way to explore submission more deeply while keeping things playful and exciting. [Read: 42 happy & naughty ways to keep a relationship exciting, fun & fresh]
18. Stay Grounded in Reality
While submissive sex can involve imaginative role-playing and power dynamics, it’s important to remember that these are consensual roles, not reflections of your real-life relationship. Outside the bedroom, you and your partner should maintain mutual respect and equality.
It’s important to not create misunderstandings about your roles in daily life. Checking in with each other regularly also helps reinforce this boundary between play and reality.
Real-world values like respect, trust, and open communication are essential to keeping the experience healthy and fulfilling. It allows you to enjoy the fantasy without compromising your relationship dynamics.
19. Balance Playfulness with Seriousness
Exploring submissive sex can feel intimidating at first, but it’s okay to approach it with a sense of playfulness. If something feels awkward or doesn’t go as planned, laugh it off and move forward. Trying new dynamics often comes with a learning curve, so don’t put too much pressure on yourself or your partner to get everything perfect. [Read: Painfully embarrassing things that happen during sex]
At the same time, take the necessary steps to ensure safety and consent, as these are non-negotiable. The key is to find a balance between fun and responsibility. When both partners feel supported and at ease, trust grows naturally, and the experience becomes more enjoyable. Playfulness and seriousness don’t have to be opposites—they can complement each other beautifully.
20. Stop the Submissive Sex If You Decide You Don’t Actually Like It
The truth is that the fantasy of submissive sex can be a lot more alluring than the reality of it. If you find you’re not enjoying it as much as you thought you would, just have a chat with your significant other. Wer’e sure they’ll understand, and you can revert back to your previous sex ways. [Read: How to have rough sex & dirty moves to have the sexiest time ever]
Submissive Sex Activities to Explore
If you and your partner —and remember, this is always a shared decision— feel ready to explore submissive sex, there are plenty of activities to try that can deepen intimacy and build trust.
It’s a good idea to start with beginner-friendly options and work your way up. Each activity offers a unique way to experiment with dynamics and sensations, so feel free to choose what feels exciting and comfortable for you both. Here are some ideas to get you started:
1. Sensory Deprivation
Sensory deprivation is one of the easiest ways to explore submissive sex while keeping things simple. By using a blindfold or earplugs, the submissive partner’s senses are limited, which can heighten touch, sound, and other sensations.
For example, wearing a blindfold removes the ability to see, so every touch or kiss feels more intense and surprising. Earplugs can make the submissive partner focus only on physical sensations, removing the distraction of sounds.
You can combine both for an even deeper experience. This activity works well for couples looking to add suspense and excitement to their sessions. [Read: Blindfold sex: Sexy tips & positions to mute one sense and explore sex]
2. Light Bondage
Light bondage is a great way to introduce restraint and control in submissive sex without going overboard. Using soft, beginner-friendly tools like scarves, ties, or velcro cuffs can help create a sense of being “held down” without feeling unsafe or restricted.
You might tie your partner’s wrists loosely to the bedpost or use handcuffs to restrict their movement slightly. Bondage adds a layer of trust, as the submissive partner is temporarily surrendering control.
Always make sure the restraints aren’t too tight and that you have scissors or quick-release tools nearby. Light bondage can range from playful to sensual, depending on how you approach it.
3. Guided Control Activities
Guided control activities allow the dominant partner to take charge while the submissive partner follows their lead. This can be as simple as giving verbal commands like, “Hold still,” “Kneel,” or “Look at me.”
The dynamic is about relinquishing control to your partner in a safe, consensual way. You can also guide your partner into different positions, giving them clear instructions on how to move or stay still. [Read: 30 day sex challenge – 30 sex positions for 30 days]
This activity is versatile and doesn’t require any props, making it a great option for couples who want to ease into the mental and emotional aspects of submissive sex. Open communication is key here—be clear about what feels good and when to stop.
4. Power Dynamics Role-Play Scenarios
Role-playing is a fun and creative way to explore submissive sex by stepping into different personas or scenarios. Some couples enjoy classic dynamics like “boss and employee” or “teacher and student,” while others might prefer less structured roles.
The submissive partner might take on a role where they follow specific rules or “serve” the dominant partner, creating a playful yet consensual exchange of power. Discuss the boundaries of the role-play beforehand, including any specific lines, behaviors, or phrases that excite you both.
Role-playing allows you to explore fantasies and dynamics in a safe, controlled environment, adding a fresh layer of excitement to your intimacy.
5. Erotic Rituals to Build Anticipation
Creating erotic rituals is a way to build anticipation and deepen the submissive dynamic. This might involve tasks or routines that the submissive partner completes before or during the session, like undressing for their partner, preparing the room, or waiting in a specific position. [Read: Master-slave relationship: 23 rules, how it works & ideas to play your part]
For instance, you could ask your partner to sit still and wait for instructions while you prepare to engage in play. These rituals create a sense of anticipation and heightened focus, which can enhance the experience for both partners.
The key is to keep it fun, respectful, and within the agreed-upon boundaries. This kind of activity reinforces the dynamic without feeling overly complicated.
Myths and Misconceptions About Submissive Sex
Since submissive sex isn’t something that everyone openly talks about, there are plenty of misunderstandings and assumptions surrounding it. Many of these misconceptions can lead to unnecessary stigma or unrealistic expectations, which is why it’s important to clear them up.
Submissive sex, when consensual and safe, can be a rewarding experience that has nothing to do with the negative stereotypes often associated with it. Here are some of the most common myths and why they aren’t true:
1. Submission Means Weakness or Inferiority
One of the most widespread misconceptions about submissive sex is that being submissive makes someone weak, inferior, or passive. In reality, submission is a consensual choice and requires a lot of strength, trust, and self-awareness. [Read: Weak & strong men: What it means & 56 signs of a weak man in a relationship]
Submissive individuals often set the terms of the experience by defining their boundaries and limits in advance. Their willingness to surrender control during a session comes from a place of empowerment, not weakness. They actively communicate their needs, which makes them equal participants in the dynamic.
2. All Submissive Acts Involve Pain or Extreme Dominance
Many people mistakenly believe that submissive sex always involves painful acts or harsh dominance. While some couples may enjoy elements of BDSM that include physical intensity, submissive dynamics are incredibly diverse. Submission can be gentle, emotional, or purely psychological, depending on the preferences of the individuals involved.
Activities like sensory deprivation, light bondage, or guided control don’t involve pain but still allow for a submissive experience. Not everyone exploring submissive sex wants to include physical discipline or extreme scenarios, and that’s perfectly fine. [Read: BDSM: What it is, 54 sexy tips, tricks & BSDM ideas to try it for the first time]
3. Submissive Roles Are Gender-Specific
Another misconception is that submissive roles are tied to specific genders, with women stereotypically being submissive and men being dominant. In truth, submissive sex is about personality, preferences, and dynamics rather than gender.
People of all genders and preferences can enjoy being submissive or dominant, and the roles can vary within the same relationship. Many men find fulfillment in submissive roles, just as many women take on dominant ones. It’s entirely up to the individuals involved to decide what feels right for them.
4. Submissive Individuals Don’t Have Control Over the Experience
One of the most damaging myths is the idea that submissive individuals give up all control during submissive sex. In reality, submission is always rooted in consent, and the submissive partner has just as much say in the dynamic as the dominant one.
Submissive individuals often set boundaries and limits before any session begins, and they can stop or modify the experience at any time. Safe words and regular check-ins ensure that their comfort and safety remain a priority throughout the encounter.
This dynamic is based on mutual respect and trust, meaning the submissive partner always retains control over their experience. [Read: How to show respect in a relationship and love each other better]
5. All Dominant Partners Are Sadists
Another common misconception about submissive sex is that dominant partners must be sadists who enjoy inflicting pain. While some individuals may include consensual sadomasochistic play in their dynamics, this is not a requirement for being a dominant partner.
Dominance is about taking control in a way that aligns with both partners’ boundaries and desires. For some, this might involve giving commands, setting rules, or guiding the submissive partner through emotional or psychological submission without any physical pain involved.
Dominant partners can be gentle, caring, and highly attuned to the needs of their submissive partners. In fact, a good dominant prioritizes their partner’s comfort and safety above all else.
Reducing dominance to sadism oversimplifies the complexity and care that often go into creating a healthy, consensual power exchange dynamic.
It’s Definitely Worth Exploring
Submissive sex can be a fun and exciting experience for couples and is definitely worth exploring if it sparks your interest. It’s an opportunity to connect with your partner on a deeper level, build trust, and try something new that might bring you closer together.
For some, it can even be a life-changing way to redefine intimacy and discover desires they didn’t know they had. Whether you’re experimenting with light submission or diving into a more structured dynamic, it’s important to have communication, consent, and mutual enjoyment.
[Read: Freaky sex: How it works, 48 signs & positions to be a wild freak in bed!]
Submissive sex can be confusing if you don’t know where to begin. This guide tells you exactly how to get started and become a person who indulges in submissive sex.
