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Strap In and Kink Out: Your Guide to Having Submissive Sex

If you’ve ever had fantasies of being tied up and told what to do, but you’re unsure how to actually do it, this guide on submissive sex is for you.

submissive sex

If you find yourself being extremely turned on when your partner is towering over you, demanding you pleasure them, you might be someone who is really into submissive sex but has never really realized it before.

What is submissive sex?

For those of you who have only heard this term muttered before by your partner or just happened across it in some erotic novel like Fifty Shades of Grey, but don’t actually know what this form of sex is, I’ll help you out.

When you have submissive sex, there is a dominant person and a submissive person. The dominant person has ALL the power. They make the rules. They take control. They make all the decisions.

The submissive person—you, in this case—gives up their power and free will for the duration of the sexual act or acts. The submissive does everything the dominant person tells them, and they do it without complaining—or else.

How many people are having submissive sex?

If you get hot and heavy with the idea of being strapped down, you’re not alone at all. It is estimated that 5-10% of the population in the United States engage in submissive/dominant sex on a regular basis.

This is not an uncommon feeling. There are many different reasons why you might be extremely aroused at the thought of being submissive. Just know that it’s completely normal, and there are tons of people out there who feel the same.

How to have submissive sex

While it may seem easy to just let your partner tell you what to do, there’s a lot more to submissive sex than just that. If you’re really looking to take your sex life to the next level, these guidelines make submissive sex more fun and much safer.

#1 Talk to your partner. First thing’s first. In order to have submissive sex, tell your partner you are interested in it. This could go over a number of different ways. They could be confused, shocked, or even intrigued.

Just remember your sexual needs are just as important as theirs. Talking to them about having submissive sex is the first step towards actually engaging in it. [Read: 14 tips to get your partner to open up about sex]

#2 Decide who is submissive and who is dominant. The truth is, there are some people naturally more dominant and some naturally submissive. If you want to be the submissive, tell them.

This type of sex takes two different types people to pull it off. If your partner just isn’t dominant in any form and you find they’re actually more submissive than you, having submissive sex won’t be easy, unless you want to be dominant.

#3 Do some research. There is a TON of information on the internet about submissive sex. In order to learn the most about it and even get ideas for different acts you want to play out, do some research on it.

This should also be done together. When you research the different information together, you’ll really get an understanding of what each person wants out of it and that makes sex much more enjoyable.

#4 Agree on the boundaries. There should be boundaries when having submissive sex. Because there are a lot of different ways to have submissive sex, you’ll want to set a clear boundary on what is too much in order to avoid awkwardness and even getting hurt.

One good way to do this is to just experiment with each other. Try some new stuff and tell them if you really like it, or if you’d rather not engage in that type of activity during your time being submissive. [Read: Boundaries in dating: How far is too far?]

#5 Discuss the terms. Some people take their submissive sex relationship to an extreme level and even live their life with their partner being dominant in all factors of it. This is usually the rarest form of submission, but it does happen.

Discuss how long of a time you will be in your submissive mode. Will it ONLY be during sex, only while you’re in the house, or will you take it a step further and be submissive at all hours of the day?

#6 Pick a safe word. Trust me, you’ll need it. Safe words are perfect to use during every day submissive behavior, but they’re most important to use during sex. Even if you have boundaries set, there could be times where your significant other is doing something that hasn’t been covered yet.

Making sure you have a safe word available to use in these situations prevents you from being hurt or uncomfortable. Make sure it’s a simple word easily recognized by your partner.

#7 Take things slow at first. Jumping right into a submissive relationship when you’ve never done it before can be tough. You’re not used to it and coming on too strong can have a negative impact on how you experience submissive sex.

Take things very slowly and try small submissive behavior out before getting into the Fifty Shades of Grey territory. It takes some time to learn what you like and what you should label as a boundary. [Read: 50 shades of dangerous sex: The right way to get risque]

#8 Try some role playing to get into the mindset. When you’re first starting out, getting into the submissive mindset can be a little tough, especially when you’ve never tried it before. A good way to do this is by role-playing different acts that put you as submissive.

Great ones to try are boss/employee, professor/student, and even master/slave. Each of these places you into the mindset and even help your partner become more dominant if they’re struggling with it too. [Read: The sexual role playing guide for complete beginners]

#9 Keep an open line of communication. Submissive sex gets a little complicated depending on how extreme things are taken. The submissive individual can end up feeling hurt emotionally if things are taken too far.

Keeping an open line of communication with your partner makes things go much more smoothly. You’ll feel better about discussing what was offensive or insulting to you rather than keeping it all inside and feeling bummed out often.

#10 Experiment with a range of different submissive behaviors. Now that you’ve started your journey to submissive sex, you should experiment with different things. I’m not just talking about playing different roles. I’m talking about changing up your routine.

Try taking submission a step further, and do it more and more. Try different toys, whips, restraints, and even gags. You never know what you could end up loving. [Read: Naughty is nice: The couple’s guide to erotic spanking]

#11 Don’t be afraid to ask for more. If your partner is being timid and feels like they’re going to hurt you or they’re just not being as dominant as you’d like them to be, don’t be afraid to ask them for more.

Trust me, they want to make sure you’re being satisfied to the best of their ability and will change the way they’re doing something if it’s just not enough for you. [Read: Top 50 kinky sex ideas that are worth trying at least once in life]

#12 Stop the submissive sex if you decide you don’t actually like it. The truth is that the fantasy of submissive sex can be a lot more alluring than the reality of it. If you find you’re not enjoying it as much as you thought you would, just have a chat with your significant other. I’m sure they’ll understand, and you can revert back to your previous sex ways.

[Read: 15 dirty ways to have the sexiest rough sex ever]

Submissive sex can be confusing if you don’t know where to begin. This guide tells you exactly how to get started and become a person who indulges in submissive sex.

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Natasha Ivanovic
Natasha Ivanovic is an intimacy, dating, and relationship writer, and the creator and author of her short stories on TheLonelySerb. She completed her first degr...
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