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Creative Insults: 40 Ways to Taunt Someone with Cleverness

You know the saying, “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all”? Well, forget that and check out these creative insults.

Creative Insults

If you think creative insults are a relatively modern invention, try visiting an ancient Roman ruin. You’ll be surprised at what some of the graffiti there has to say about Lucius’ poor mother.

Insults go way back. Most of these usually involve rude comments toward certain female relatives and anatomical parts of the insulted. As you see, little has changed with insults from back then, like our “Yo’ Momma” quips which are getting a little too old.

To stay ahead of the conflict-escalating banter, fire wittier, and more creative comebacks sure to bring on the hurt. Good thing the English language provides.

Warning: You should not use the words and phrases listed below in polite conversation. [Read: 10 ways to avoid being rude in any situation]

Why to use creative insults

I never want to encourage rudeness, pettiness, or disrespect, but sometimes a creative insult here or there is necessary. Whether it is for the sake of banter, a true argument, or jokes, being unique with your taunts raises the bar.

You don’t just want to put the other person down. You want to show your cleverness too. Instead of things like, “I’m rubber. You’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you,” try something with a bit more shock factor.

Go with sarcasm, go with things that are almost over the top, they are so ridiculous, or just be smart. Using creative insults is the best way to poke fun. Just try to keep these little jabs above the belt, if you know what I mean. [Read: How to deal with rude people]

Creative insults for insulting intelligence

Because dropping “stupid” or “idiot” is way too bland. Plus, that sort of insult doesn’t make you seem any more bright. Here are some longer versions of “you’re dumb” to call someone with perceived inferior mental capacity.

1. “You lack so much brain matter that you’d float on water.”

Not only does it rhyme, but it also means you’ve got an empty space somewhere between the ears enough to gain buoyancy.

2. “I’d insult you, but then I’ll have to explain it afterward, so never mind.”

A meta-insult is implying the insultee’s incapacity to understand insults.

3. “I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain it to you.”

This can be used in place of “We don’t accept resumes written in crayon.”

4. “In what way are your parents related to each other?”

Okay, making fun of incest might be a little juvenile, but it is clever.

5. “You know nothing. In fact, you know less than nothing because if you knew that you knew nothing, that would be something.”

Good luck getting them to understand this.

6. “I expected an intellectual conversation, but it seems there’s no one around to have that with.”

This creative insult is just stating a fact.

[Read: 12 types of humor and how it affects the people around you]

Insults for another person’s appearance

Probably the oldest inspiration for insults is to poke fun at the other person’s unfortunate physical appearance. But, the best time to use a creative insult for someone’s looks is when they aren’t actually unfortunate looking.

Make fun of things that won’t really hurt them but shock them or make them laugh. It is a much better way to insult someone than being cruel.

7. “Don’t ever wear a burlap sack on your head. People won’t be able to tell where the sack started and where your face ended.”

A regular insult to someone’s appearance would be telling them to wear a sack over their head. This goes even deeper.

8. “You won’t be able to get a dime as prostitute on a half-price day.”

This is harsh but is a creative insult nonetheless.

9. “Nice face. I bet you’d look good on the radio.”

This is a burn if I’ve ever heard one.

10. “What contraceptive do you use? Your face?”

Saying they are so ugly that their face prevents them from getting pregnant or impregnating someone is pure gold when it comes to creative insults.

11. “When God rained beauty all over his creations, you were probably holding an umbrella.”

This is just straight-up clever. Religious or not, this hits on your intelligence and their gnarly looks.

12. “Did you use a mud puddle for a mirror this morning?”

Ouch! This can be truly mean if they did put effort into their appearance today, but hey, you wanted some creative insults.

[Read: Smartass quotes: 48 smart and sarcastic lines that kick ass]

Creative insults when you hate somene

Sometimes keeping your insults PG-13 just isn’t a possibility. These are meant for people whose existence gives you the urge to commit homicide or at least get really creatively foul-mouthed.

13. “You are the poster child for the importance of keeping abortion legal.”

This is super harsh. You may want to step away after blurting this out just in case they get violent.

14. “Your birth certificate is a letter of apology from a condom manufacturer.”

HAHA!

15. “I’d call you a cunt, but you lack warmth and depth.”

I’m not a fan of this word, but using it sure does get the point across, doesn’t it?

16. “The best part of you ran down your mother’s leg.”

This takes creative insults to a whole new gross level.

17. “There are a million words in the English language, and there’s no such way to combine them to describe how much I want to beat you with a chair.”

This is a little barbaric, but hey, if that’s how you really feel…

18. “Your asshole must be so jealous of your mouth from all the shit it’s been spewing.”

Another visual we may not need, but if you really hate this person, go for it.

[Read: 13 grownup ways to deal with mean people]

Insults from pop culture

If you can’t make up your own, it won’t hurt to borrow from fiction. TV and movies are chock full of creative insults. They are just asking you to quote them.

19. “You’re an inanimate, f*cking object!” – In Bruges (2008)

20. “You’re just the afterbirth, Eli, slithered out on your mother’s filth. They should have put you in a glass jar on a mantelpiece.” – There Will Be Blood (2007)

21. “Even if I were blind, desperate, starved and begging for it on a desert island, you’d be the last thing I’d f*ck ever.” – Scarface (1983)

22. “You’re somewhere between a cockroach and that white stuff that accumulates at the corner of your mouth when you’re really thirsty. But, in your case, I’ll make an exception.” – Con-Air (1997)

23. “You know what, Mom, you know what I’m going to get you next Christmas? A big wooden cross, so every time you feel unappreciated for all your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it.” – The Ref (1994)

24. “You’re a cunt. You’re a cunt now, you’ve always been a cunt, and the only thing that’s gonna change is you’re gonna become an even bigger cunt. Maybe have some more cunt kids.” – In Bruges (2008)

25. “Jesus Christ, see you… You’re a f*cking omnishambles. That’s what you are. You’re like that coffee machine, you know: from bean to cup, you f*ck up.” – Malcolm Tucker, The Thick of It

[Read: How to recognize mean people and deal with them]

26. “He’s absolutely useless. He’s as useless as a marzipan dildo.” – In the Loop (2009)

27. “I’d love to stop and chat to you, but I’d rather have Type 2 diabetes.” – In the Loop (2009)

28. “The guy is an epic f*ck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him.” – Malcolm Tucker, The Thick of It

29. “You’re about as funny as a blind toddler in a f*cking minefield.” – In the Loop (2009)

30. “Your brain, for example–is so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn’t be enough to cover a small water biscuit.” – Blackadder

31. “The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since departed, hasn’t he, Perce?” – Blackadder

32. “It’s so dirty, it would be unacceptable to a dung beetle who had lost interest in its career and really let itself go.” – Blackadder

[Read: 101 awesomely good comebacks for every occasion]

33. “Now, the sort of person we’re looking for is an aggressive lout with the intelligence of a four-year-old and the sexual sophistication of a donkey.” – Blackadder

34. “Hey, where’d you get those clothes, the toilet store?” – Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

35. “Well, you look like a bag of d***s” – Bad Moms (2016)

36. “If staying here means working within 10 yards of you, frankly, I’d rather have a job wiping Saddam Hussein’s arse.” – Bridget Jones’s Diary (2001)

37. “You’re a virgin and you can’t drive.” – Clueless (1995)

38. “You are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity.” – Toy Story (1995)

39. “What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. May God have mercy on your soul.” – Billy Madison (1995)

40. “That’s what I thought. You’re a gutless turd.” – The Breakfast Club (1985)

[Read: Backhanded compliment: How to react kindly or give back in kind]

Creative insults can be funny and, at times, worthy of admiration. Of course, as long as the insult isn’t for you. Use it wisely.

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