At some point, you might find yourself dating a widower. This person will have baggage and emotional needs, but you can navigate it with sensitivity.
Many complex emotions come with dating a widower. On any given day they can be angry, sad, guilt-ridden, or have an enormous amount of relationship anxiety. Sometimes not allowing themselves to become comfortable, you typically have no idea the things that lie underneath their smile.
No matter what age you lose your significant other, if your spouse leaves you before you leave this earth, there is always a feeling that something is amiss. You forever miss the love of your life.
I remember coming home the day my husband died. At just 34, we had four small children, and the youngest was only 12 months old. I don’t know what was worse, the anticipation on the way home of having the talk with them, or the look on their faces, especially my 12-year-old, who had just lost his best friend.
When you become a widower, it chases away all you thought life was going to be. It robs you of the security you have that things will be all right.
It also strips you of the feeling of permanence or self-identification. For ten years I had been sure of who I was, then all at once, I hadn’t a clue. [Read: Why we need to breakdown the stigma of mental illness]
Can a widower fall in love again, and how long should they wait?
Yes, a widower can fall in love again, but it takes time. How much time? There is no set rule. This varies from person to person, and some people who lose their spouse never feel able to date again.
For some people, it can be just months, for others, years.
The only advice to give here is to never push a widower to start dating until they’re totally ready. When that time comes, they still might not be totally sure. They’re likely to feel guilty for moving on.
All you can do is wait it out and be supportive. [Read: 37 rules to be a good partner in a relationship and better your love life]
The signs a widower is ready to date
Pushing a widower to start dating again never ends well. They need to come to the realization that they’re ready on their own. However, there are some signs that they’re on their way.
1. They no longer completely live in the past.
2. They cherish their memories with their spouse, but they don’t consume them.
3. They pursue you on a regular and consistent basis.
4. They start to see a future beyond the walls they’ve built around them. [Read: How to take care of yourself emotionally and avoid falling apart]
Why is dating a widower so hard?
Not only is being a widower difficult but dating one can be very frustrating. It requires a lot of patience and understanding.
1. They likely have abandonment issues
Just like a child who has been maltreated or left, a widower often has abandonment issues clouding their ability to reason through the complexity of a relationship. Never wanting to feel the sting of losing someone or something again, they react quickly and push people away. [Read: Abandonment issues – what it is, causes, types, 34 signs, and how it hurts you]
2. They are likely to be needy or clingy
When you are not around, they have a tendency to get anxious, which can come across as needy or clingy. Until you lose someone who you rely on to get you through life, you can’t possibly comprehend how scary it is to put yourself in that position again.
If they fall for you, they will be terrified that you will be gone too. If you are ten minutes late, it is just ten minutes to you, but to someone who is immersed in fear and anxiety, their head has already pictured you lying dead in a ditch somewhere. Gone forever. [Read: How to stop being needy – why people get clingy and 32 ways to fix it]
3. They have a tendency to overreact
When you go through tremendously stressful times, your body releases a chemical called adrenaline. Responsible for the fight or flight response, it is that feeling you get that makes you need to react. You literally feel like you are going to jump out of your skin.
A widower likely has been through the gamut of intense situations, especially in the case of prolonged illness, which exhausts the adrenal gland, making it constantly produce adrenaline at the slightest hint of being upset.
That makes them quick to react with anger, fear, or anxiety. In a new relationship, it can be very overwhelming and leave the other person wondering where so much unwarranted emotion stems from. [Read: Intimacy issues – what it looks like, 39 signs, causes, and tips to date with it]
4. Anger
A widower is angry. If they lost someone they love, they can’t be angry at the person who left them, nor can they be angry for all the things they have had to watch or go through. That leaves them with a whole boatload of anger and nowhere to place it.
Like a cup spilling over, you may become the recipient of it, and it is very hard to reign it in once it is let out.
Widowers learn to keep things in because it makes other people uncomfortable when they want to discuss their feelings. So, when they do finally let their emotions out, it is very confusing and often misunderstood. [Read: 23 secrets and real-life problems that make a relationship stronger]
5. They idolize their lost love
When someone is gone from your life, and you have no choice but to let them go you have nothing left but good memories to get you through. You don’t remember how they left their socks on the floor, or how they drank too much.
You remember all the wonderful things they did, all the good times you had together, and how no one else can ever be as fantastic as they were.
It isn’t reality, but it is a way the brain works through the sadness. Having a limited capacity for memories, we refuse to make them murky with the insignificant day-to-day things that used to bug us. All those things we disliked are suddenly the things we miss most, making the dead spouse “perfect.”
For the person who dates the widower, it can be hard always to feel like you aren’t measuring up. You are, there is no comparison. Just remember you are there, loving them. [Read: Easy ways to stop comparing your new guy to your ex]
6. Dealing with the in-laws
One of the hardest parts about losing my husband was not only losing him. I felt like I lost everything. From that moment on, I wasn’t a wife anymore. I was just me. That meant redefining who I was, who my family was, and what I was going to do going forward.
When someone dies, things have a tendency to fall apart, and the ugly comes out.
That can leave complex issues in the wake, like a mother-in-law who thinks they are dating too quickly or didn’t do enough to help out. The ex-in-laws may treat you coldly, or not like you entirely because they feel like you are taking their child’s place.
Try not to take it personally—it has nothing to do with you. They would not like anyone because it just reminds them that their daughter/son is gone. [Read: Family orientated – the meaning and what it means to be this person]
7. Guilt
When you promise to love someone until the day you die, the promise doesn’t end when they are gone. It is still a promise. The person left here on earth is conflicted about where their heart should lie.
A widower feels guilty when they date someone else because they feel as if they are disrespecting their ex’s memory. They feel guilty that they are the one left behind.
There is something guilt-provoking about being the survivor. I often wonder why I was the one who survived. Why was it him and not me? There are also times when the pain is so great you wish that it had been you instead of them.
Guilt is a very difficult thing to have follow you around until you find a way to forgive yourself or move on. You might have to play a very patient game of waiting for the widower in your life to forgive themselves and let go of their guilt. [Read: Guilt complex – what it is, why we feel it, and the signs and ways to get over it]
8. Children
If there are children involved, it can be like a family unit bleeding in unison. When you walk into the situation, it is not just about dealing with the loss of the parent; the children are experiencing loss in a different, but no less hurtful, way.
They may see you as the enemy taking their parent’s place, trying to replace them, or even taking away the attention they so desperately need from the surviving parent.
Often emotional, confused, and sometimes overwhelmed, it takes a very special person to parent a child who lost their parent. You have to have some really strong shoulders and a whole lot of patience and love to give. [Read: Dating as a single parent – 52 must-knows to date a single mom or dad]
9. Mood swings
Even those of us who hide it well, break sometimes. When you are in the throes of grief, you don’t think, you just do. As time begins to pass, it is like a cloud lifts, which is both good and bad.
Like exhaling, there are days when you have a rush of all those emotions you pushed away, a flood of memories hits you out of the blue, or something happens to catapult you right back into your grief.
They come out of nowhere, and the people in your life are completely unaware of what you are thinking. It is very sad to lose someone you love and some days you can chase away the demons. Then there are some days that get the best of you.
Dating a widower means trying to understand the days when they just need a little extra care and protection. [Read: Dating someone with depression – 23 signs and truths you must know]
10. Suppressing memories makes you feel lonely
Often, widowers feel lonely long after they have found someone else. They always feel like someone or something is missing. Not many people in their life allow them to talk about the way things used to be.
If you mention your dead spouse there is a hush around the room. People shift in their chairs, and you get the impression from people you are making them uncomfortable, so you stop.
It is almost like you aren’t supposed to remember the years you were with them—they are supposed to die too. That leaves you feeling like you lost years of your life, the good times and the bad. It also makes you feel a loss that you can’t talk through. [Read: How to deal with loneliness – small changes to bring you back to life]
If you have a space filled with someone who is no longer there and can’t talk about them to set the memory free, no one can take the spot because it is being held onto. Just like a seat in the movie theater, if you don’t allow them to let go of the seat, you can’t ever get your way next to them.
When dating a widower, let them talk about their ex and try not to make them feel as if they aren’t supposed to have a “before you.” [Read: 19 ways to be a much better listener in your relationship]
11. They have a different perspective on life
When I was in the car with my son the other day, he said, “Mom, when my friends ask their mom if someone can sleep over, or drive them somewhere, they always have to plead. When I ask you, you always say yes.” You’ll find that when you date a widower, you’re with a person who doesn’t take life too seriously.
We’ve seen how bad things can be, watched someone we love die, and know the secret to life is that it is way, way too short to sweat the small things.
If they seem to be careless with money, need to experience things, want more of your time, and desire to be with you all the time, realize it isn’t them being needy. It is just that they know the reality is that any time you spend with someone may be your last time.
We don’t take much for granted and try to cherish every moment with someone that we can. Things just mean more, cut deeper, and stay closer to our hearts because we have a different perspective than most.
[Read: The hurdles to happiness: How to make a second marriage work]
12. They sometimes refuse to talk about their grief
Nobody wants to keep going over and over something that hurts. While it’s important to talk about your feelings from time to time, you might find that the person you’re dating simply doesn’t want to talk about the grief they’ve been through. You have to accept that and not push them.
When they’re ready, or even if they’re ready, they’ll open up. They just don’t want to pile all the memories and emotions onto you. They might be scared that you’ll run away, fearful of what you’ve taken on, or they just don’t want you to feel burdened in some way.
Whatever the reason, just know that the fact they’ve decided to try dating again is a huge step forward. Don’t push them to talk about something that’s too difficult right now. [Read: Communication techniques to finally get them to open up to you]
13. You sometimes remind them of their dead spouse
We’ve already mentioned that they idolize their lost love, but don’t be surprised if you sometimes do something or say something which reminds them of the person they’ve lost. When this happens, they might go into themselves a little, but give them the time they need to come back out.
Think back to someone you’ve lost in life, be it a friend or a grandparent. You hear something on the radio or you smell a particular scent and you’re right back there with them. That’s exactly how it is for your new partner.
You might say something completely random and you have no idea that it’s something their spouse used to say. They might suddenly go quiet or disappear from the room. It’s not your fault, so don’t feel bad about it. You had no idea. [Read: Old love letters and memories – Keep or throw them?]
14. They tend to think they’re cheating on their late spouse
Along with the guilt, many widowers feel like they’re somehow cheating on their late spouse when they start to date again. This may fade over time, but it probably won’t go away completely.
It can make you feel like you’re causing them unnecessary pain and anguish and it’s upsetting for you because you know that you’re not doing anything wrong. Unfortunately, it’s just one of the things you may have to deal with when dating a widower. The good news is that over time, this should fade into the background. [Read: What is considered cheating? The painful types and ways to set boundaries]
15. Your relationship may be a rebound
This is harsh and painful but possibly true in some cases. Although not all, so don’t automatically jump to conclusions.
It’s possible that your partner is so desperate to feel some kind of normality that they’ve jumped into a relationship before they’re ready. In that case, the relationship simply won’t work out.
This is more likely to be true if they’ve not given themselves much time to grieve. However, if it’s been quite a while since their spouse passed, it’s less likely to be a rebound relationship and more likely to be them trying to move on with their life. [Read: Rebound relationship – What it is, 43 signs you’re in it, and the must-know rules]
Tips for dating a widower
As you can see, dating a widower comes with a new set of challenges that can be too much for some to handle. However, remember that this person has been through the worst that life can throw at someone.
That means you need to bear in mind a few points if you want to help them move forward with their love life and hopefully cement a long-lasting relationship with you.
1. Assess the circumstances
How long has it been since they lost their spouse? And how do they seem in themselves?
Before jumping into a relationship with someone who is widowed, you need to look at the situation carefully and decide for yourself whether it’s a realistic option or whether they need more time. Of course, in the end, they’re the ones who decide that, but it doesn’t hurt to see all sides. [Read: Toxic relationship – What it is, 107 signs, causes, and types of love that hurt you]
2. Watch for red flags
If there is anything that seems concerning to you, don’t ignore it. While you have to be sensitive to their needs and understand how they’re feeling as much as you can, you also have to look after your own heart too.
3. Communicate your relationship needs and goals
Have as much extra understanding as you can, but also treat this as you would any other relationship you were about to enter into. Sit down and talk about what you need and want from a relationship.
Of course, don’t jump into this conversation on the second date, but choose the right time to talk about what you want. If the two of you aren’t in alignment, you need to think again. [Read: 42 secrets to communicate better in a relationship and ways to fix a lack of it]
4. Don’t let yourself be a consolation prize
Your partner has lost someone very close to them but that doesn’t mean you should always feel like you’re second best. If that’s the case, this isn’t the relationship for you.
You don’t deserve to be anyone’s consolation prize and if they’re treating you that way, it’s possible that they’re just not ready to move on yet.
5. Tread carefully when it comes to children
If your new partner has children, you’ll need to move very slowly indeed. You don’t want the children to feel like you’ve jumped in there and you’re trying to replace their late parent.
Let your partner take the lead here and decide when is the right time to introduce you to them. Don’t push—remember, they know best. [Read: Naughty ways to keep the romance alive when you have kids]
6. Be understanding, patient, and supportive
It goes without saying that you should be extremely patient with your new partner. They’re navigating completely new waters while trying to deal with the overwhelming pain of losing someone they love. It doesn’t matter how much time has passed, it will still be raw.
Show as much support as you can and try to understand them as much as possible. Of course, if this situation has never happened to you, you’re going to struggle to totally understand them, but do your best to open your mind and heart, and to show empathy at all times. [Read: 17 signs of a supportive partner who encourages you and your goals]
7. Don’t rush the relationship
It’s normal to want to know where something is going and whether it’s serious. However, when you’re dating a widower, you need to slow things right down to a snail’s pace.
The fact they’re with you needs to be enough for now. Just take the time to get to know one another and enjoy the early part of the relationship.
If you rush, you’re just going to scare them off and make them think they’re just not ready. However, if you slow things down and let them lead, showing understanding at every turn, you have a better chance of this relationship turning into something special. [Read: Rushed relationship – 25 signs and fixes to slow down and save your love]
8. Respect their grief during special occasions
Some days just bring it all back home to you more than others. Birthdays, anniversaries, the day they died—these are all special occasions that will be marked in your partner’s mind. So, if they seem quieter or upset on a particular day, understand that they’re going through the pain all over again to some degree.
Be understanding and give them the space they need. In fact, it’s best to ask them what they need from you. They might want you to be around, they might want to be alone. Just do whatever they need. [Read: How not to cry – 47 fastest ways to stop those mad or sad tears]
9. Respect your partner’s choice to keep their late spouse’s belongings
What you have to remember is that this isn’t some ex that your partner can’t get over. There was no choice in their breakup—they lost them so suddenly that it felt like a piece of their heart was taken forever. So, if they want to keep certain belongings as a reminder of their relationship, respect that and don’t question it.
It will be hard for you—you want to have a fresh start with your partner and for them to focus entirely on the two of you. And they will, in time. However, you have to recognize that their late spouse will always be a part of your lives.
If your partner wants to talk and reminisce, by all means, let them and ask questions to keep the conversation going as long as they seem comfortable. However, don’t delve into the past without warning, and don’t push too much.
Read your partner’s body language and if they seem uncomfortable or they’re just not opening up, accept that and change the subject.
They may not be ready to talk, or they simply might not want to share that information with you. Either way, don’t push. [Read: How to have a difficult conversation without losing your nerve]
11. Know that they will always love their spouse
And rightly so.
Dating a widower can be hard, but love will conquer all
When someone loses the person they thought they were going to spend the rest of their lives with, it changes them forever. It also changes their view of love and gives them the impression that nothing lasts forever.
If you fall for someone who has been through this heartbreaking experience, know that you’re going to need to tread carefully and give them plenty of time and space. However, that doesn’t mean that you should ever accept second place in their lives either.
Dating a widower is, without a doubt, a challenging situation. But if you’re both sure that you want to give it a try, there is every chance of success. It might take time to get there, but simply focus on enjoying the journey, rather than rushing to the end destination.
[Read: How to make a relationship last – 25 rules of love you can’t ignore]
Dating a widower is not going to be an easy road, but if you can find a way to give them security, and make their new life real and fulfilling, you can find your happily ever after.
