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INTJ in a Relationship: 30 Traits, Their Good & Bad Sides & Must-Know Secrets

Being in an INTJ relationship can be difficult whether you’re with an INTJ person or you are an INTJ person. We’ve got the details to help you succeed!

INTJ in a Relationship

Relationships are a challenge no matter what. People are so different from person to person, and finding a personality that you can understand and that compliments yours is terribly hard. If you’re an INTJ or are in a relationship with an INTJ, it can be a little more challenging. [Read: 26 INTJ Personality Traits & Weaknesses to Know Them Better]

The INTJ person is like no other, and being in an INTJ relationship can be the best thing in the world if you know how to handle it, but it can be the worst thing if you don’t.

The Myers-Briggs 16 personality types

INTJ is one of the 16 personality types, according to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. This test was designed to figure out a person’s psychological preferences for how they make decisions and perceive the world. It is used to help people gain a better understanding of themselves and those around them.

Katharine Briggs and Isabel Briggs Myers are the mother-daughter force that created the MBTI. Their research and ideas are based on Carl Jung’s Psychological Types, but they offer plenty of their own ideas.

They began developing the test after years of research in 1942. Today, the MBTI is used across the world to help with career counseling, employee team building, and by anyone who just wants to communicate and understand a little bit better. [Read: Lack of communication in a relationship & why it signals the end]

Introverts vs. Extroverts

This primary factor in the MBTI preferences is whether you focus on your inner world or the outer world.

Introvert and extravert have slightly different meanings with Jung, Myers, and Briggs than how we casually use them today. When talking about introversion and extraversion, they’re referring to how you use your energy.

Most people think that introverts are shy and anti-social, and extroverts are outgoing and the life of the party. While that can be true, it’s more complex than that. [Read: Introverts vs. extroverts – which side are you on?]

Generally, introverts do like to be alone more than extroverts do, but that doesn’t mean that introverts can’t be outgoing and social. It also doesn’t mean that extroverts never like to be alone.

It’s about where you get your energy from and how you direct it. Do you feel energized or drained in a group of people? Do you tend to be more reflective or impulsive? Do you prefer to have a wide range of friends or just a few close friends?

What is an INTJ?

An INTJ personality is not very common and only makes up about two percent of the population.

With the MBTI, each personality type is given a four-letter code. Each letter represents a person’s preference in four different areas.

The I indicates introversion and that the INTJ prefers their inner world. [Read: Why introverts are much more than just shy and awkward]

N relates to how they prefer to process their information. N is the code letter for intuition, which means that the INTJ likes to be open to interpreting new information rather than focusing on the most basic meaning.

T means that they’re thinkers and like to make decisions based on logic.

J means that they prefer a more definitive structure and plan.

What do INTJs look for in the dating phase?

INTJs are fiercely independent and almost overwhelmingly intelligent.

This is a personality type that requires and thrives on independence and alone time. A clingy partner who doesn’t know how to give space will not fair well with them. An INTJ needs room to achieve their goals without frivolous interference.

They also need someone who can respect and appreciate their intelligence, even if they can’t match it. INTJs are notoriously curious and love discussing the new things they’re learning.

However, they don’t have a lot of patience for those who are slower to catch on. They crave stimulation and depth and will not do well with someone who lives in contentment and has no interest in expanding their mind.

The INTJ partner is relentlessly loyal, dependable, and honest, and they don’t expect anything less from their partner. They consider emotions and drama to be a complete waste of time. [Read: How to be emotionless – 16 ways to lose feelings & gain control]

Characteristics of an INTJ relationship

Whether you are an INTJ or dating one, there are some things about them that can affect relationships, both for better and for worse.

The more you understand something, the happier you are with your ability to handle it. Therefore, if you understand some of the more prominent characteristics of an INTJ person, you’ll know how to best adapt to their eccentricities.

1. They tend to be private

Because INTJs don’t share much about themselves, this could be an issue for the more extroverted types. INTJs are pretty calculated and don’t make a habit out of oversharing unnecessarily. [Read: The introvert’s fool-proof guide to dating an extrovert]

2. They can be perceived as a bookworm

INTJs are perceived this way because they are always searching for knowledge and deep understanding. They love to read, learn, and devour new information.

If you’re another personality type who doesn’t exactly care about reading, you might think that they’re trying to avoid you by not talking to you. But trust us, they’re not using reading as an escape. They’re just satiating their hunger to know more, and they legitimately can’t stop themselves!

3. They hate rules and limitations

INTJs are viciously open-minded, so they don’t often see the value in strict rules and regulations that don’t match their idea of logic.

This is generally in relation to fixed rules. The lack of flexibility can be an issue for an INTJ type because they believe that there’s always a gray area. [Read: How to be in a relationship – 61 rules & tips to get into one & start happy]

4. They are imaginative and curious

INTJs are highly intelligent. They’re either seeking to understand something or cooking up something new in their own minds. As you might imagine, that attention is going toward a book or their own thoughts, not always to another person.

5. They are decisive

As much as an INTJ might find flaws in certain rules, they are unflinchingly rigid and decisive.

They love planning and finding the best course of action through rigorous logical thinking and are known to be excellent when it comes to informed decision-making. [Read: Indecisive partners – why they can’t decide & 22 firm ways to deal with it]

6. They’re ambitious

INTJs are not only always seeking knowledge but also self-improvement. They’re interested in setting and achieving goal after goal.

Their standards for themselves are sky-high, so they’re practically unwilling to settle or let anything get in their way.

7. They like sharing their knowledge with other people

Because they’re so smart, deep, and always curious, they sometimes want to share that information with other people. That’s great if it’s something you’re interested in, but if not, it could be a snooze-fest. [Read: How to keep a conversation going with the opposite sex]

8. They like to master topics

It’s not enough for an INTJ to just read a short article about something and leave it at that. Once they get a thirst for something, they have to delve deep into it so they can understand it completely and become a master of the subject.

9. They like to execute plans

INTJs are planners. Spontaneity is based on emotion, and the INTJ type simply doesn’t work that way. They like to make decisions and plans based on concrete information.

Because of that and their determination, they’re great when it comes to long-term planning and sticking to schedules.

10. They don’t like gossip

Are you seeing a pattern here? INTJs are all about being deep, learning, and acquiring knowledge.

So why would they care that your friend’s boyfriend is cheating on her? It’s just irrelevant information to them. There isn’t anything to be gained. [Read: Motivational tips and tricks for introverts and shy people]

11. They are always questioning and re-evaluating things

They’re always over-analyzing and questioning. Their ability to examine the inner workings of the most trivial things can be astounding!

That’s perfect if you’re the same way, but maybe you don’t find it necessary to discuss at length the risk-reward profile of this movie vs. that movie.

12. They are clueless when it comes to romance

They have many talents, but romance and relationships aren’t necessarily one of them. Because they aren’t emotionally driven, they often don’t understand those who are. They don’t show affection in hotly romantic ways but with caretaking actions instead.[Read: 16 ways to show your appreciation for someone you love]

13. They tend to have high self-confidence

This probably stems from the fact that they are so intelligent. Being so smart can bring a sense of being better than other people.

They can come across as a tad arrogant or cocky, unfortunately. Really, they’re just sure of themselves and the things that they say because of how much thought they put into them.

14. They can be arrogant and judgmental

They don’t degrade people on purpose, but because they are so smart and knowledgeable, they might find it difficult to understand why other people aren’t.

They just don’t have much tolerance for trivial issues, emotional matters, or a lack of stimulating conversation, which can be perceived as dreadfully superior.

15. They might have unorthodox ideas

INTJs think outside of the box. They’re highly analytical and intensely interested in new possibilities, outcomes, and ways of thinking. For an INTJ, most things are just problems and puzzles that are waiting to be solved. [Read: 84 intellectually deep conversation starters & topics to bond with anyone]

INTJ relationship strengths

There are so many positive ways that the INTJ personality type can serve a relationship. Some of the perks can even heavily outweigh the fact that romance isn’t a priority!

1. They take their relationships very seriously

INTJs are incredibly dedicated. Fortunately, their dedication doesn’t stop with their thirst to gain more knowledge, it carries over to their relationships. They want all areas of their life to be successful, so they have a tendency to treat their relationships as another success to be achieved.

2. Good listeners

Because of how they drink in information and their love for solving problems, they’re great listeners. They’re extremely thoughtful and take care to process what’s being said to them before giving advice. [Read: 19 ways to be a much better listener in a relationship & read their mind]

The fact that they are such forward thinkers with a knack for solving problems means that their advice is always top-notch.

3. Always curious to know more about their partners

Learning doesn’t start and stop with books for those with the INTJ personality type. It expands to all areas, including their partner. They love to discover new things about people, especially those whom they are close to.

They have an excellent memory bank and can be very attentive partners because of the information they keep.

4. Supportive

An INTJ partner isn’t only into their own success and self-improvement. They’re fully on board with supporting your successes and self-improvement. [Read: 17 signs of a supportive partner who encourages you & your goals]

INTJs might not be the most emotionally attentive, but they definitely excel when it comes to encouraging their partner’s pursuits.

5. Honest and loyal

INTJs are hardened when it comes to honesty and loyalty. There is literally no other way to have a relationship, according to them.

Because of how straightforward and blunt they can be, they consider anything else to be a waste of time.

6. Self-confident and capable

The INTJ personality type has very few qualms when it comes to their own confidence and capabilities. They’ve spent significant amounts of time polishing their intelligence, so they’re sure of themselves in a lot of ways that most simply aren’t. [Read: How to be confident – 28 life hacks to transform your future forever]

They are strategic and almost scientific in how they approach nearly everything, which means that, within their power, they accomplish anything they seek to accomplish.

INTJ relationship weaknesses

With INTJs being as rigid as they are, there are certainly some potential flaws in terms of being in a relationship with one. However, if you are aware of the INTJs shortcomings beforehand, you can prepare yourself to better understand them.

1. Emotionally clueless

As mentioned, INTJs are not fueled by emotion. [Read: Emotional dependency & 20 signs you’re overly dependent on someone]

They frequently miss out on social and emotional cues because those things are not as objective as facts. As much as they love solving problems, they think that emotionally charged things are messy, which doesn’t bode well with their organized structure. Personal issues aren’t often logical, so they don’t know what to do with them.

2. Need clear explanations for everything

INTJ people are concise and like for everything in their lives to be that way. They don’t enjoy things that are fluffed or open-ended, and they don’t understand it when you say that you don’t know why you did something.

They like to have as much information as possible about any given thing. If they can’t have that, they at least need to have enough information on which to base their own opinions and draw their own conclusions.

3. Very private and reserved

It’s hard to get an INTJ to open up. They’re known for being a little more closed off and introverted, and they really don’t care to divulge a lot of information about themselves to people they aren’t close to.

A lot of this is due to their introversion and high standards. They don’t enjoy collecting friends, so they just don’t see the point in being open with a lot of people. It’s just another thing that’s a waste of time. [Read: How to get to know someone – 18 ways to open up & make true friends]

4. Need a lot of time alone

Introverts, in general, thrive on their time alone. It energizes and recharges them.

INTJs are in special need of their time alone because they need that time to process information, think, and form ideas.

An INTJ comes across several small problems every day, and each one needs solving. Their time alone gives them the reflection that they need. Smothering them will not do either of you any favors.

Secrets about INTJ relationships

The INTJ is an elusive personality type. They’re hard to understand, but the secret to having a successful relationship with an INTJ person is being able to know their subtle nuances. If you know certain things about INTJ relationships, it’ll make it much easier for you to manage one.

1. They’re methodically loyal

INTJs don’t pussyfoot around. When they’re serious, they’re serious.

It often takes a lot for the INTJ to find someone whom they deem worthy enough to even consider a relationship with, so they have a tendency to hold on tight if you can prove to be as honest and loyal as they are. [Read: How to build trust in a relationship & learn to be loyal and loving]

2. They show love by helping your reach your goals

What they lack in emotional support is definitely made up in other areas. INTJs love to see the people they care about succeed. Helping you better yourself and reach your goals is how they show love.

3. They “think” their feelings

We know by now that INTJs are thinkers. They’re far more into thinking than feeling, and it shows. Their immediate “emotional” reaction is to ask questions. This is because they need that information to figure out how they feel because feelings are just another puzzle. Analyzing is their emotional response.

4. You need to be a lot blunter

INTJs say what they mean, and they need you to do the very same. They aren’t great at emotional readings, so you’ll be way better off if you’re direct. [Read: Blunt person – what it means & why having a blunt friend is a real blessing!]

Did they upset you? Tell them how and why. Are you angry? Say so.

5. When they argue, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re upset

Because an INTJ person is constantly craving new information and ideas, they love a good debate. Arguing is just another way for them to learn! They get to test new ideas and rework things in their own minds.

INTJs best match for romantic relationships

The INTJ person obviously needs someone with an intellectual capacity that complements theirs. Because of their love for debating and new ideas, they don’t need a virtual replica of themselves. Slightly different ideologies will be beneficial. [Read: 26 different types of relationships to predict your romantic life & future]

Their best matches will be someone with similar values. Their partner needs to have integrity and be as loyal as can be. Someone with a closely related way of life will be organized, content to learn, and direct.

As far as other MBTI personality types, there are a few that would be excellent matches for an INTJ person.

A fellow INTJ type would pair perfectly as long as there are a few differences subtle enough to allow for the occasional spirited discussion.

An ENTJ type of personality would also do well as long as they could find ways to respect each other’s opposite inner-outer world focuses. [Read: Relationship compatibility – what it is, 40 signs you have it, & ways to improve it]

The ISTJ person has three of the core preferences in common, but they aren’t as open to new concepts and ideas.

They prefer to stick with straight facts rather than interpretations, which could definitely contribute to the right amount of challenge for the INTJ partner.

An INTP person is another who shares three of the core preferences. The biggest difference is that the INTP personality type is more prone to spontaneity and emotional charges. These differences will be enough to simply keep each partner on their toes and help keep each other grounded.

What makes an INTJ leave a relationship?

As you might expect, INTJs put so much thought into leaving a relationship.

For one, their complete devotion and the energy put into a relationship were not accomplished without intense thinking. They don’t just dive into relationships for the fun of it, so it has to be a serious situation for them to leave it. [Read: 42 red flags & signs it’s time to end your relationship & move on for good]

First and foremost, dishonesty is an absolute dealbreaker. They value honesty and straightforwardness, so losing the ability to trust you could make them walk away in a heartbeat.

INTJs are strategic and logical, even in their relationships. If a relationship doesn’t make sense to them, they see it as a waste of time to continue it.

Being in a relationship either as an INTJ person or with an INTJ person can certainly present its own set of challenges! However, the more you and your partner can understand each other, the happier you’ll be!

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Carol Morgan LP
Dr. Carol Morgan
Dr. Carol Morgan has a Ph.D. in communication and is a professor at Wright State University where she loves corrupting young minds. As a relationship and succes...