We all know that breakups are the worst, even if you know that the relationship has run its course. If you share a home with that person, however, it’s an entirely different kind of horrible. It’s hard to know how to break up with someone you live with while maintaining your sanity and keeping it civil, but it can absolutely be done.
Keeping the peace during a breakup is possible
It makes for an interesting story, but not every breakup ends with all of your belongings broken and scattered after being tossed from the second-floor balcony. You don’t have to set fire to a pile of their clothes.
It’s not even necessary to simply change the locks and act like they don’t live there in the first place. [Read: 18 perfect breakup lines you can use for a mess-free breakup]
Breaking up with someone you live with can be peaceful… with some work.
It’s never going to be easy. It definitely won’t be a walk in the park. There might be tears and tension, but despite what you see on TV, it doesn’t have to be vicious or cutthroat.
The important thing is that you approach it in the right way.
How to break up with someone you live with
The chances that you’ll part ways with a smile and a hug are slim to none, but it can at least be civil. It’s easy to jump to negativity before anything else. You have to put forth the effort to act like mature adults and know that you just might be better off apart.
There are a million ways to go about this in the wrong way. Don’t do that. Use these tips if you want to know how to break up with someone you live with the right way. [Read: The first week after a breakup – the hardest parts & 15 steps to survive and heal]
1. Don’t pack up your belongings first
Packing up all of your stuff before talking to your significant other about breaking up is just wrong. You can’t just up and disappear.
Blindsiding someone like that and expecting them to be understanding about it isn’t realistic.
Not only will they be hurt about the breakup in general, but they’ll be even more hurt over the idea that you planned on moving everything out before they knew what was going on.
2. Don’t start an argument before the big talk
For some reason, people think that getting into a big argument with their significant other before breaking up with them makes it easier to do. [Read: How to end a long-term relationship like grown-up]
They think it’s a good way to transition into leaving them, but it’s really just horrible.
Your argument probably has nothing to do with why you’re leaving them, anyway. Furthermore, making someone really mad right before leaving them is just asking for trouble. They could start throwing things, and that will certainly not keep the peace.
3. Have a real breakup talk in person
You can’t break up with someone you live with over a text. What do you think would happen if you sent a breakup text while they’re at work and you’re hanging out at home watching a movie? They’re not going to take it calmly, that’s for sure.
You have to do something like that in person. It’s polite, keeps them from going crazy with your stuff, and is generally the most mature way to do it. [Read: 33 interesting words for lovers, breakups, and fights]
4. Make a plan
You might have a pretty solid living arrangement right now, but what happens after you break up? Keeping that arrangement is just not going to happen. One of you is going to have to go.
If it’s you, you need to have a plan. Are you staying or going? If you’re going, do you intend to get a new place right away, or will you need to find someone to temporarily stay with? Make exact and specific arrangements.
5. Be respectful of their stuff
The breakup may not always go as planned. You could go about it in the calmest and most collected way with the most respect, and they could still fly off the handle. [Read: Breakup advice – the best advice you need & the advice that harms you]
They might get mad, throw a fit, and decide to trash a piece of your furniture. They might even go after the home itself. Scorned lovers have been known to punch holes in walls.
It can be tempting to retaliate and destroy something they really like, but it’s best that you don’t. Be respectful of their stuff, and let them keep things you know they like more than you do.
6. Be mindful of their space
If they react by getting angry and walking away, don’t follow them around the house right after the breakup while trying to talk about who’s getting what.
They need space to think and figure out their next move. They’re probably taken off guard and don’t know what to think.
Even if they saw a breakup coming, they probably have a log of varying emotions to work through, so be respectful of their space. [Read: 23 reasons why good relationships end even if there are no red flags]
7. Let everyone cool off for a night or two
It might be tempting to talk about how to split up your shared possessions and figure out who keeps what right there and then, but it might not be the best idea to try to do that right after such a heavy conversation.
“I think we need to break up and one of us needs to move out, but I call dibs on the sofa,” likely isn’t the best starter sentence.
You need to give them time to cool down, and you need some time, too.
See if you can stay at a friend’s house or at your parent’s house until the situation settles enough to have a civil and peaceful conversation. [Read: How to survive the first 168 hours after a break up]
8. Get help and support from friends and family
You can’t handle a breakup on your own.
And if you’re the one leaving, having to move all of your stuff out and find a new place to live is an entirely different battle.
You’ll need some support! Lean on your friends and family during this time. They can help you with your emotions and the move, of course, but they’re also a great buffer between you and your ex and can help to keep the peace. [Read: Healing steps to help a friend get over a breakup]
9. Stand your ground
As mentioned, it’s quite possible that your soon-to-be ex isn’t going to react well to the breakup.
They might engage in childish behavior and claim that since you’re the one breaking up with them, you can be the one to leave the home and every single thing in it.
If you feel like your ex is trying to rip you off or act really unfairly, you need to stand your ground.
This might seem like it could make matters worse, but it actually makes them respect you more and see that you’re serious about this situation. [Read: How to show respect in a relationship and love each other better]
10. Be fair
On the other hand, your partner may react in the exact opposite way. They might be numb and dumbfounded and blindly tell you to take whatever you want.
While this may be true in the moment, when they’ve recovered from the shock and their head is back in a good space, they’re going to be a little ticked that you actually took that antique bookshelf you know they love.
When you divvy up the furniture and belongings, make sure you’re being fair with what you actually take.
By all means, if you bought something with your own money that was particularly expensive, take it.
But say there’s a chair that was a shared expense or that was gifted to you. You know they love it. It’s their reading chair, and you only sit in it to tie your shoes. You can leave it. Just let them have it. [Read: The worst ways to break up with someone who loves you]
11. Be sensitive
A lot of people try to emotionally detach from the situation when they break up with someone because they’re afraid they might not be able to go through with it if they let their emotions in. This is an okay practice for some, but don’t do it if you have a tendency to lose your sensitivity.
The other person hurts, and you can’t be cruel or mean to them. If you try to remove yourself from the situation emotionally, you’re bound to come off cold and calloused.
Be kind and respectful, and you’ll have a much more peaceful breakup and an easy-going move-out.
12. Get everything out in one move
When you finally get your things packed and ready to go, do it all in one move. This limits the amount of contact you have with your ex, and it’s more likely to keep the peace. [Read: How to help your ex move on, get over you for good, and find peace]
If they keep seeing you come around a week later for a secondary load, it drudges up all those horrible feelings again and sets them off.
13. Don’t forget Netflix and other online accounts
You don’t just have to move physical things in a breakup when you live with someone. You’ve shared serious and nontangible stuff like streaming services.
Figure out what’s registered under whose e-mail address and whose account is being charged for each service. Make a list of what each person was responsible for.
If you took care of Netflix, but they set up and paid for Hulu and HBO, it looks like you’re going to need to get your own Hulu and HBO accounts.
At that point, you should both change your passwords and all your online account information for anything that you shared access to. [Read: What to do after you break up – 50 ways to detach yourself]
14. Pick a move-out date and stick with it
We understand that securing your own apartment to move out within a few days might be difficult, but you need to get out of there as soon as possible to minimize any tension.
To do this, pick a move-out date. Having a deadline will put you under more pressure to figure everything out and get your stuff out of there. If you don’t have a schedule and a plan, you may just let it drag on and on, possibly allowing yourself to be persuaded to stay by your ex.
If you’re trying to figure out how to break up with someone you live with, this is something you DO NOT want. [Read: Breakup rules for exes who are still living together]
15. Stick with your decision
Don’t be wishy-washy with your decision to break up and get out of there. Don’t have the breakup discussion and give them two days of space just to come back and tell them that maybe you don’t actually want to move out after all.
Don’t be the boy who cried wolf.
Once you’ve made a decision, stick with it. Not only would it confuse your partner, but it would put them through the pain over and over again and make them really mad, all but guaranteeing a NOT-so-peaceful breakup. Don’t risk it.
16. Be absolutely sure
Are you just going through a rough patch? If you think that the issues within the relationship can be worked on and you have the desire to do that and continue the relationship, have a talk with your partner about how you’re feeling. [Read: 20 relationship problems that push a couple apart or bring them closer]
If you’re just having some fixable issues and you love this person, you should really think about whether or not you just want to jump ship.
Put a lot of time and thought into what you really want to do. This isn’t something that should be taken lightly, and you need to be absolutely positive that you’re prepared to end the relationship. One of the worst things you can do is do it and take it back a couple of days later.
17. Hear them out
Your partner is probably going to have a lot to say and several questions to ask.
Be respectful of their feelings. They might feel confused, broken, devastated, angry, and a number of other things. You need to show empathy toward their reaction, whatever it may be. [Read: How to show empathy & learn to understand someone else’s feelings]
Give them time to speak their piece and ask any questions. Make sure that you answer their questions respectfully without trying to turn the breakup into a brawl.
However, don’t be afraid to end the conversation if you feel that it’s becoming aggressive or redundant. They might beg you to reconsider, make false promises, or employ a number of other tactics.
18. Discuss how you’ll part ways
You’re living together, but you know now that you can’t continue to do so. What’s going to happen? You should have a detailed discussion to decide who is going where.
Did you purchase or rent the place together? If that’s the case, it might be a little weird to figure out who’s leaving. The popular rule is that if you’re the one that’s wanting to break up, you should be the one to leave.
There’s a possibility that they might want to leave because staying in the home that you shared would be too painful. [Read: How long does it take someone to get over a breakup?]
On the other hand, if one of you already lived there and the other moved in, that person should likely be the one to leave.
It’s a tricky ground to tread on, but you have to figure it out.
19. Have a detailed financial plan
Finances are sticky and deep. Depending on how serious your relationship is and how long you’ve been together, you could have a ton of things to discuss.
Do you share a checking or savings account? Credit cards? Was there a major purchase that you split that you’d like to buy them out of so you can keep it? What about health insurance? Are they the beneficiary of your life insurance policy?
Consider auto loans and any other debts. All of these things need to be discussed and updated. [Read: How to talk about money with your partner without fighting about it]
20. Set new boundaries
Navigating a breakup is a rollercoaster. You’re both experiencing a lot of different emotions at the same time, and the likelihood that you’ll want to crawl back into what’s comfortable is pretty high.
There will undoubtedly be times when it seems like the perfect idea to crawl back into bed together, so you’ve got to set some boundaries for your new form of relationship so that the waters stay unmuddied and no one gets confused.
Decide how and if you’ll communicate when all is said and done. And stick to the lines you draw.
How to move on after your ex moves out
When you’re really removed from your comfort zone is when you’ll start to feel the most feelings. Everything that you’re used to is gone, and your whole world feels different.
First and foremost, take time to sit with your breakup and adjust to the fact that it’s happened. Don’t be afraid to let yourself grieve what you’ve lost.
You can be angry, sad, confused, or numb. It’s important that you don’t ignore your feelings without facing them. [Read: 36 healing steps to get over heartbreak & deal with the pain]
But after you’ve given yourself enough time to feel your emotions, as hard as it may be, you have to pick yourself up and move on with your life. That doesn’t mean that the pain won’t necessarily still be there, but you’ll have to find ways to busy yourself so that you don’t wallow in your heartbreak.
Fill your time with things that are good for you. Spend time with friends and family. Practice a little extra self-care. Maybe even pick up a new hobby or an old one that you had let go of.
Try to avoid letting yourself wallow by using your time productively.
If you find that you have a particularly tough time letting it go, seek help by way of counseling. Therapists are a great way to learn new coping skills.
Learning how to break up with someone you live with can seem like an overwhelming and daunting task. Follow these tips to make sure that you do it in the best way possible to keep it civil.
