Some people aren’t very in touch with their emotions, but some people take it to the extreme, and this results in emotional detachment disorder.
When you hear about emotional detachment, you probably picture it as a bad thing. You might think it’s the guy who won’t show his true feelings or the woman who has been burned in the past and refuses to make a commitment again.
But emotional detachment isn’t always a bad thing. There are times when separating yourself from your emotions is a good thing.
Many people can’t separate their emotions from situations. Taking the emotion out of things helps you make wiser choices, be more successful in the business place, and cut down on the drama in your life.
While most of the features that you read sing the evils of emotional detachment, there are times when it is a great tool.
What is emotional detachment disorder?
Emotional detachment disorder is a condition in which someone lacks emotional attachment. The emotionally detached person is resigned from emotions and distances themselves from having a human connection. [Read: Am I emotionally unavailable? 17 signs you are and how to fix it ASAP]
This condition can stem from a lack of empathy, which is the ability to put oneself in someone else’s shoes, see situations from their perspective, and share their emotional state.
Our ability to empathize with other people is at the foundation of forming strong bonds and long-lasting relationships.
What causes emotional detachment?
There is not one definitive cause of emotional detachment, but the general consensus is that it’s a condition that develops over time. Here are some plausible causes.
1. Medications
There are a lot of different medications that treat mental health conditions, such as stress and depression, that contain substances that alter the mental makeup and hormones in someone’s blood. [Read: Ways volunteer work can help heal depression]
Even certain supplements that are supposed to make people feel better might stunt someone’s emotions and cause numbness.
2. Mental health conditions
Many people have mental health conditions, such as depression or anxiety, that might cause them to shut off their emotions.
For example, when someone is depressed, that means they feel no good emotions and are overwhelmed with sadness. Because of this, it’s difficult for them to attach to anyone emotionally. [Read: Loving someone with depression – why it’s not your job to fix them]
3. Voluntary behavior as a coping mechanism
Our personalities are shaped by our upbringing and experiences. If someone grew up in a home with no empathy and/or they were abused, they might develop emotional detachment disorder as a coping mechanism.
In their minds, withdrawing from negativity is better than acknowledging it.
4. Traumatic experiences
Perhaps someone grew up in an abusive family and has had traumatic experiences. They might have witnessed a lot of violence, crime, or war-like conditions.
When that happens, people tend to grow thicker skin than the average person. [Read: Being raised by narcissists – 18 harmful ways it affects your life]
What are the symptoms of emotional detachment disorder?
You might not be sure if you or someone you know has emotional detachment disorder, so here are some of the symptoms to watch out for so that you can be sure.
1. Inability to feel emotions or feeling empty
Someone who is emotionally detached struggles to empathize with other people. They feel numb and disconnected from emotions that affect other people and don’t give much in terms of emotional responses.
2. Showing little or no empathy toward others
A person with emotional detachment disorder can come across as very harsh, rude, and unkind to other people. They don’t worry about what they say or how they say it. [Read: 24 signs of people who lack empathy]
If they are giving painful news or criticism, they don’t care if it hurts other people’s feelings. It goes beyond just being straightforward. They act that way because they are disconnected from their emotions.
3. Shuts out or ignores emotions
Everyone has had hard times in life, which produce negative emotions. But not everyone likes to discuss their emotional hardships. Emotionally distant people regularly shut out their feelings or try to ignore them.
When they do this, it can intensify their emotional detachment, which has negative long-term consequences.
When people don’t confront their difficult situations, it builds up, and some people become completely hardened. [Read: Psychopath vs. sociopath vs. narcissist – all the subtle differences to tell them apart]
4. Losing interest in enjoyable activities
When in a relationship, the emotional distance can increase, which results in very different behaviors. An emotionally detached person might lose the ability to have fun with life experiences, even if they have enjoyed them in the past. They act apathetic and listless.
5. Becoming less involved in relationships
Sometimes, emotional detachment can be related to a shift in priorities. A person might choose social commitments or work over personal responsibilities. Their interests lie outside of a relationship, and they neglect to nurture the ones that they have.
What does a relationship with emotional detachment disorder look like?
If you are wondering if your partner has emotional detachment disorder, here are some of the things you may be experiencing in your relationship. If you can relate to these signs, your partner might have this condition. [Read: What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable? 19 signs and fixes]
1. Withdrawn and doesn’t want to spend time with you
Most people want to spend quality time with their partners so that they can talk and enjoy each other’s company. If your partner is full of excuses when you suggest spending time together, they are emotionally detached.
2. Not interested in sex
If it feels like your sex life with your partner is almost nonexistent or if every time you try to initiate it, they get irritated or passive, then they are emotionally detached.
They might even turn the tables on you and make it seem like you’re the problem and the reason they are not interested in sex anymore. [Read: What does sex mean to a woman? What she feels and wants while having it]
3. Sabotages your relationship
Your partner might try to pick fights with you or do something to make you angry or upset at them. They do this in order to create further emotional distance from you.
In their mind, if you’re angry, they don’t have to talk to you or attempt to connect with you because they see that you’re the one with the issues. They use the anger they create to build a wall between the two of you because it’s the perfect excuse to detach.
4. Doesn’t want to talk about the future with you
If you bring up dreams or future plans that you have for the two of you, they seem to ignore them. At best, you’ll get a vague or indifferent response or even a complete refusal to discuss the future. [Read: Definition of love – the true meaning of love and what it should feel like]
These non-committal responses make you feel like they aren’t invested in your future together and that they no longer feel connected enough to you to even discuss any plans with you.
5. Doesn’t try to make you happy
Maybe your partner used to try to make you feel happy and loved by buying you gifts or rubbing your feet, but that has all come to an end. They don’t seem to care about your happiness, and they certainly don’t do anything to contribute to it.
Your partner makes no effort to do things that give you pleasure or show interest or love for you. In fact, you probably feel like you just have a roommate and not a romantic partner. [Read: Selfish people – 20 ways to spot and stop them from hurting you]
6. Almost never affectionate
Your partner never tries to hold your hand when you walk together, hug you, or cuddle with you.
If you try to hug or kiss them, they might pull away from you and tell you to stop. It feels as though your attempts to touch them annoy them and make them uncomfortable.
7. Gives the silent treatment
Whether they’re angry at you or simply don’t want to talk to you, there are many times when you sit in complete silence with them.
If they do speak, you might only get a one-word response or a grunt when you try to talk. [Read: Silent treatment abuse – how to take a stand and get back in control]
There is absolutely no effort to participate in any discussions with you, much less try to start one. It’s like they are simply refusing to communicate with you.
8. Shutting down when you try to work on the relationship
It’s glaringly obvious to you that your relationship isn’t going well. You want to try to work on improving the relationship, but when you try to talk to them about it, they don’t even bother.
They might pretend like everything is just fine, or they might just shut you down by refusing to talk about it. Either way, they are not at all interested in making your connection or your relationship better. [Read: How to fix a relationship that’s falling apart and rebuild it again]
9. No sharing of problems or concerns
If you can feel that something is bothering your partner and you ask them about it, they close down. They don’t share any of their worries or issues with you and keep it all to themselves.
They don’t want to feel vulnerable or authentic with you. Because of this, you feel like you’re strangers rather than romantic partners.
10. Not concerned with your strong emotions
Because you can’t get your partner’s attention, you might feel desperate. You might get angry or overly emotional because of your pain and rejection, or you might start crying when you’re with them. [Read: Why are women so emotional? 18 reasons they feel deeper than men]
This has no effect on your partner. They aren’t concerned, and they don’t feel bad for you. They are cold, uncaring, and hardened to what you are suffering through.
11. Apathy during a conflict
You have the desire to work through problems with your partner, but they feel totally apathetic about it. They don’t care about moving past your problems and repairing your emotional bond.
The worst thing about it is that they aren’t even angry or frustrated. They’re just completely indifferent and don’t care if things get resolved. [Read: How to resolve conflict – the 15 best ways to cut out the drama]
12. Puts their needs ahead of yours
They act very selfishly and only care about their own needs. It doesn’t matter if you are on a road trip and you’re hungry or if you need them to help clean the house instead of playing video games.
Your partner doesn’t care about your feelings when making any decisions or taking any actions. They’re not worried about how their negative behavior will impact you or your relationship.
How to help a partner with emotional detachment disorder
It’s not easy to help a partner who has emotional attachment disorder unless they want to be helped. As the saying goes, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. [Read: 30 signs of a one-sided relationship and how to fix it before it ends]
With that said, there are some things you can try doing.
1. Do a self-reflection
This might not sound like a way to help your partner, but check yourself first. Are you emotionally unavailable, too? If so, could they be mirroring your behavior? Do you think you might be doing something to push them away and make them emotionally unavailable to you?
Maybe you are doing something to contribute to their emotional detachment. If you are, take ownership of it, and change your behavior to be more positive. [Read: How to improve yourself – 16 powerful secrets of self-improvement]
2. Talk to them
If you can honestly say that you’re not doing anything wrong in the relationship to cause your partner to withdraw, then try to start a conversation about their emotional detachment.
Ask them if they are aware that they are withdrawn. Maybe they aren’t. Try to help them acknowledge that they have a problem.
3. Create a space for change
Try to get them to agree to make small changes. Let them know that you don’t expect them to change overnight, but you will help encourage them to open up to you.
Remember, this is only effective if they acknowledge that they’re emotionally detached and want to change. [Read: Should I give up on him? 25 signs he won’t change or be a good fit]
Dos and don’ts of dealing with a person with emotional detachment disorder
It’s never easy to know how to act when you’re with a person who is emotionally detached, but here are some dos and don’ts to get you started.
Do
1. Recognize the signs
This is the first step. You have to know the signs of emotional detachment disorder before you can “diagnose” them with it. If you can relate to any or all of the above symptoms, you’ve already completed this first step.
2. See if your partner recognizes their own emotional detachment
For someone to work through their emotional unavailability, they have to acknowledge that it’s a problem. Has your partner recognized this aspect of themselves, or are they in denial? [Read: 48 painful yet subtle signs he’s not that into you, and it’s time to leave]
Talking to them and getting them to admit it isn’t easy, but it’s worth a try. Remember that you can’t fix the problem for them. You can only voice your observations and concerns because you can only control yourself – not them.
3. Know when it’s time to walk away
Even if you’ve been married to your partner for decades, there is no requirement to stay with an emotionally detached person.
Sure, it’s not easy to walk away, regardless of how long you have been in the relationship. But sometimes, you need to cut your losses and move on if the other person isn’t willing to try to make you happy. [Read: Should we break up? 35 signs it’s over and past the point of no return]
Don’ts
1. Don’t try to manage your partner’s feelings
If your partner shuts down because they’re upset or angry, don’t pressure them to talk about it or try to help them fix it.
It might be your instinct to do so, but it is not your responsibility to manage your partner’s emotional well-being and happiness. Just step back, and release the responsibility to them.
2. Don’t enable their behavior
Remember that your partner’s emotional detachment is probably not your fault, but it’s important to think about whether or not you are enabling it. [Read: Signs of codependency to know you lean on others too much]
If you lack boundaries and aren’t clear about what you need, want, and deserve, then maybe you are part of the problem. Figure out if you are enabling them to stay emotionally unavailable.
3. Don’t emotionally withdraw yourself
When you aren’t getting any emotions from your partner, it’s easy to mirror their behavior. It’s sort of like a “tit for tat” attitude.
It’s understandable that you would want to do that, but it won’t encourage your partner to open up to you. In fact, it might only make their behavior worse.
Does a relationship with emotional detachment disorder ever work?
Now that you know what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone who has emotional detachment disorder, you might be wondering whether or not it can ever work long-term. [Read: 20 signs you should break up and throw in the towel]
You can always stay with them, of course, but does that mean that the relationship “works?” No. You will probably not be happy unless they make some real changes.
Being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally detached makes you feel sad and confused, and it makes you wonder why your partner is so disconnected from you. You might not have any idea what else you can do to make things better.
You might even double down on your efforts to get their attention and win their affection so that you can feel close again.
This could backfire, however, and your partner could withdraw even more. It may be because they feel guilty, overwhelmed, or confused. [Read: How to leave a toxic relationship 24 steps to end it and find happiness]
The best thing you can do is to ask your partner to go to couples therapy with you. That way, you can express your concerns about your partner’s emotional detachment in a safe environment, and your partner can explore the reasons they are the way they are.
However, if your partner is not willing to go to counseling, the quality of the relationship will never get better.
How to treat emotional detachment disorder
The difficult part of treating emotional detachment disorder is to get someone to admit that they have a problem with their emotions.
A lot of people who are detached from emotions are also detached from themselves. [Read: Avoidant attachment style – the types, 32 symptoms, and how to love a person with it]
A person must acknowledge that they have emotional detachment disorder before they can be treated, but once they do realize that they need help, here are some things that can be done to help them.
1. Writing in a journal
Writing in a journal allows someone to get all of their thoughts and emotions out onto paper for their eyes only.
One of the reasons someone could be emotionally detached is that they’re afraid to express their emotions because they fear the negative consequences.
Writing it down gives them an outlet for their feelings without being judged. [Read: Alone time – why you need it, how it helps, and how to make the most of it]
2. Avoid self-medicating with substances
Sometimes when people feel numb, they want to feel something, so they might turn to alcohol or drugs to feel better.
However, this only makes the condition worse. That’s why it’s important to avoid self-medicating with substances and deal with it while you’re sober.
3. Seek support
A person with emotional detachment disorder might not have any idea how to express emotions, so they need help from other people. [Read: Reasons couple’s therapy isn’t working for you]
Whether it’s a trusted friend, family member, or even a trained professional, most people need to be taught how to connect with their emotions. Seeking support is vital for treating this condition.
When to seek help from a healthcare provider
Many people experience problems with mental health, but not everyone seeks help from a healthcare provider. In general, the time to seek help is when emotional and mental challenges start to interfere with your life on a regular basis.
If someone has problems with any of the following, it’s time to see a healthcare professional. [Read: Are you self-isolating with a narcissist and need help coping?]
– Withdrawing and avoiding social situations
– Poor performance at school or work
– Problems with authorities
– Physical ailments that are vague or mysterious
– Substance abuse
– Angry outbursts
– Suicidal thoughts
– Excessive anxiety and fear
– Changes in eating habits
– Changes in sleeping habits
– Consistent bad moods that won’t go away
All of the above situations are serious, so it’s important to make sure that someone with emotional detachment disorder has the support they need to make their lives better.
[Read: Signs you need relationship help and where to find assistance]
Ten situations when emotional detachment is healthy
As we’ve discussed, people with emotional detachment disorder can completely disengage from the people around them. That isn’t a good thing.
However, there are other people who are emotional and might benefit from emotional detachment.
Emotional detachment is all about degrees. If you need to learn how to be more emotionally detached, here are some situations when you should try to do just that. [Read: How to set boundaries in a relationship – 19 rules for healthy love]
1. A relationship that keeps going round and round
We have all been in certain relationships where you continue to go round and round about the same issues. The likelihood is that one of you looks at the situation from an analytic point of view and one from an emotional point of view.
You can’t make people feel emotions, but you can teach yourself to detach from your own emotions.
You would be surprised at how quickly you can let things go in relationships when you stop putting so much emotion behind everything. [Read: Why am I so emotional? Answers from science that you won’t expect]
2. In business
The business place is for business. Part of the reason that women get a bad rap in the business world is that some of us have a harder time putting our emotions aside than others.
Being emotionally detached means not taking things personally, taking constructive criticism without hearing negativity, and not putting emotional intentions behind situations that likely have nothing to do with anything besides the bottom line.
We all know you don’t cry in the boardroom, but if you wait until you walk out to cry, it’s time to try emotionally detaching yourself from the situation. [Read: Do you feel emotionally drained? 15 reasons and cures]
If someone doesn’t like your idea, it isn’t about you. If someone gets picked over you, it has nothing to do with who you are.
It is much easier to rationalize things and not feel defeated, emotionally hurt, or like someone stepped on your feelings if you separate the situation from emotion.
3. When on social media
There are so many unnecessary fights that stem from social media. Social media is an emotional haven for hurt.
When you’re on social media sites, try to detach yourself emotionally, or you’ll spend a whole lot of time getting your feelings hurt over nothing. [Read: Social media and relationships – the good, the bad, and the ugly]
The way we feel about someone or the way we think someone feels about us often interjects into a situation where there are no emotions. We literally put a whole lot of feeling into something that isn’t there.
If you see something that upsets you on Snapchat, separate yourself from it. Remember that if you choose not to let something hurt you, it can’t. The only one who allows the hurt to penetrate is you, so don’t allow it. [Read: How social media can make you feel really insecure]
4. Through text messages
How many times have you read something in a text message that led to feeling unintended emotions? Even though that is why emojis came about, you still can’t read what emotions are behind a few strings of words, so stop trying.
Take messages, texts, or instant messages exactly as they are written and without any emotion. Don’t input your own feelings. You just create drama for yourself that doesn’t need to be there.
5. You know something is temporary
Don’t you sometimes wish that you could be more like surgeons or social workers?
The key is that they emotionally detach themselves from the world around them when needed. If you know that something is only temporary, try not to form an emotional attachment.
It’s easier said than done, but why get all wrapped up in something that you have no control over? Once it’s done, you’ll just be left with a whole bunch of residual feelings and emotions with nowhere to deposit them.
Look at every temporary situation as just that – temporary. Figure out what and how you can help. When you can’t help anymore, leave it behind. [Read: Emotional exhaustion – how to rein in and refill your emotional tank]
6. When dealing with less emotional people
There is nothing worse than trying to have a reasonable conversation with someone who is either more or less emotional than you. It is like speaking two different languages.
If you know that your partner comes from an emotionally detached point of view, try to put yourself in their shoes and take the emotion out.
A resolution is much more easily reached if you take the emotion out and figure out what is really behind the situation. [Read: Emotional stability – factors that control life’s highs and lows]
7. Arguing with family members
There’s nothing more emotionally provoking than family. Growing up with them, being as close as you are, and having past experiences that you can’t shake is difficult to move past. To get along in family matters, it’s best to try to detach yourself from situations with them emotionally.
Try to put family matters in non-emotional terms, and they aren’t as complex anymore. [Read: The black sheep of the family – 22 signs you’re going against the herd]
8. In competitive situations
No one ever won a marathon by stopping to help someone who fell over. If you’re in a competitive atmosphere, try emotional detachment. It isn’t that you can’t have empathy for those whom you leave in your wake.
Competition is all about winning – not about being good to everyone else or being emotionally attached. Leave your emotions at the starting line. Once you cross back over, pick them up again.
9. To protect yourself
We all have that person in our lives who can take us down with just one or two phrases.
If you deal with someone who uses your emotions against you through things like emotional blackmail or narcissism, it’s imperative for your survival that you emotionally detach yourself from them. [Read: Secret signs of narcissism most people overlook]
If someone hurts you by using your emotional nature, it’s time to cut them off and detach.
10. When being emotional is only hurting you
When someone wears their heart on their sleeve, do you know what that leads to?
People push you away because you are too needy, make stupid mistakes out of fear, or push people away because you are emotionally too attached and fearful of getting hurt. [Read: 18 emotions you shouldn’t feel in a healthy relationship]
If you have friends who can’t handle the intensity in your wake, or you just can’t seem to make a relationship work, then start detaching yourself to save yourself.
It isn’t your responsibility to make everyone happy. It also isn’t your responsibility to feel everything for everyone, so just let it go. [Read: Emotional manipulation and ways people mess with your mind]
Final thoughts
Although emotional detachment can be a huge source of problems for individuals and couples, there are times when a little emotional detachment is not only a good thing but a necessary one for highly emotional people to survive.
But if you have to detach yourself from your overwhelming emotions purposely, then you don’t have emotional detachment disorder. In fact, you might have the opposite problem.
[Read: Signs your fierce feelings are unhealthy]
Now that you know all about emotional detachment disorder, it’s time to take some positive steps to make improvements for yourself or your partner. When you do, you will both be happier.
