Needing a helping hand isn’t a bad thing until it becomes the only thing you want or give. It’s time you found out the answer to am I codependent or not.
If you’ve been called needy or clingy in past relationships, this has probably sparked your attention. If you ask yourself, am I codependent or not, it’s about time you found out.
Am I codependent? 14 warning signs to heed
When I first watched the movie Twilight, I was totally into the idea of having a needy and controlling partner. The fact Robert Pattinson was attractive certainly helped push that narrative. You start to think that’s what a healthy relationship was all about.
I thought love was about being codependent on your partner to the point where you can’t function without them. Of course, as I found out *the hard way*, that’s not what relationships are about.
We don’t like to think of independence as something positive in a relationship. It sounds too distant, but it’s a sign that you and your partner are both healthy individuals. Yes, you can be with your partner, but you’re still you. Just because you’re with someone doesn’t mean you can’t make decisions based on your own feelings and emotions.
By knowing the answer to am I codependent, you can take action to stop it.
#1 You don’t make any decisions. It’s normal to be indecisive, but around your partner, you never make any decisions. You double-check with them on everything; things that don’t need double-checking. The fact that you can’t go with your own instincts shows codependency. [Read: 18 critical signs of an unhealthy relationship]
#2 You have excuses for your partner’s behavior. Listen, there are times where we make excuses for our partner based on embarrassment, etc. We’re only human at the end of the day. But if you constantly make excuses for their behavior, and never let them take responsibility, the boundaries have blurred.
#3 You’re number two in your relationship. Whether single or taken, you should always come first. How can you be a good partner if you don’t see yourself as someone important? If you come number two after your partner, you’ve become someone who’s only goal is to please their partner. This is a sign of someone who’s codependent. [Read: How to cope with one-sided love relationships]
#4 You don’t think about how you feel. You’re always willing to say ‘yes’ to your partner when it comes to almost anything. But, you never stop to think about how you feel and if it’s something you want to do. Instead, you prefer your partner is constantly pleased while you put your feelings to the side.
#5 You give more than you get. In the relationship, you give your partner 110% of yourself. But, this isn’t usually matched. If anything, you’re continuously giving your partner more and more without them meeting you halfway. Codependent people will always give more in a relationship than their partner in fear of rejection. [Read: How to pull back when you’re giving too much in love]
#6 You’re dating a project. You’re not dating someone who’s well-rounded and balanced – that would be too easy and boring. Instead, you date a project; someone who comes with a lot of baggage and needs endless attention and support. Codependent people attach themselves to those with problems in hopes of “fixing” them.
#7 Your relationships are all like this. When it comes to your relationships, this isn’t something new for you. Most of your relationships have been like this, and they’ve all ended the same way. It’s hard to change old habits, that’s for sure, but this is something to cut out. [Read: How to quit attracting unhealthy relationships]
#8 You’ve lost your interests. When you’re in a relationship, it’s normal to have your own hobbies and interests that don’t involve your partner. But you’ve lost most of the things that bring you happiness outside of the relationship. Codependent people give up the things they enjoy for their partners.
#9 You fear abandonment. Most of us are fear abandonment, but not all of us get to the point of codependency from the fear of being abandoned. If you find yourself doing things for your partner because you don’t want them to leave you, this is a solid sign of a deeper issue.
#10 You don’t feel understood or accepted by others. When you’re around people, you often see yourself as being different from the rest. You want to be included so badly, and for the most part, you are, but you see yourself living outside of people’s lives. This is based purely on a self-esteem issue that can probably be traced to childhood.
#11 You can’t pinpoint the root problem. You’ve noticed your codependent behavior, but you can’t seem to pinpoint the reason why. You’re not looking deep enough. Of course, go to a therapist and find the real root cause, because, most likely, it’s deeply rooted in you.
#12 You take on your partner’s struggles. When your partner goes through something difficult, you go overboard. Supporting them is fine, but you go a step further and take their pain as your own. You want to carry it for them. You feel responsible for other people’s feelings when you’re not.
#13 They manipulate you during arguments. When you have a disagreement, your partner doesn’t fight fair. Healthy relationships argue but should be resolved through communication and discussion. But if you’re codependent, your partner will use this against you. [Read: 10 relationship hang-ups and how to deal with them]
#14 You don’t feel right. Despite your love for your partner, you know something is off in your relationship. You walk on eggshells in fear of being dumped, and deep down you know this isn’t what you want. If you notice these issues in your relationship, it’s the first step of your awareness of your codependency.