Long-Time Girlfriend Refuses Sex? 41 Whys & Ways to Rekindle Her Passion

Was your girlfriend fiery in the sack, but now you feel her flame has fizzled? Here’s why your long-time girlfriend refuses to have sex and what you can do.

long-term girlfriend refuses to have sex

Did your sex life used to be an all-night rager between you and your girlfriend? Did it feel like torture if you had to go more than a day without getting down and dirty together? And now… now you can’t even remember what her naked body looks like. If this is the case, it can make it that much more difficult when your long-time girlfriend refuses to have sex.

Whatever the reason for her denying you sex, it’s a dangerous game when either partner in a relationship is uninterested in sexual intimacies—not only because it feels great, but because this is one of the most essential ways for couples to connect and strengthen their bond together.

If you’ve been with your partner for a long time now, and she’s suddenly not interested in having sex with you, it’s in your best interest as her man, and in the best interest of your relationship, to find out why.

[Read: 25 sexy text messages to initiate a dirty conversation with anyone]

Why She Won’t Have Sex With You

For those too shy to ask, here are a couple of solid reasons why your girl may not be feeling too frisky between the sheets these days.

1. She’s bored or not getting the type of sex she wants

As humans, we grow and change over time. What once satisfied her in the bedroom might not be what does it for her anymore. It might not be that she isn’t interested in sex, it may just be that she wants a different type.

Maybe she’s veered more towards oral, S&M, slow sex, rough sex, using toys, role-playing, or any host of other kinks that can be developed later in life.

Next time you’re going to be intimate, introduce something new into your bedroom routine and watch her be dazzled. [Read: How to be kinky – 42 steamy tips to explore sex outside of normal]

2. She’s not just tired—she’s exhausted

Just like you, your wife or girlfriend might just be exhausted. Has she been working extra hours? Busy taking care of the kids? Is she dealing with extra stress or a sick family member?

When bunched together, these things are not only stressful, they can be a real mood killer. It’s hard to do all the touching and moaning and all the other moves in the devil’s tango when you’re so tired that you feel it in your bones!

3. When was the last time you went down on her?

Hell, forget doing down on her. When’s the last time you engaged in even the most basic forms of foreplay: deep kissing, caressing her body, touching erogenous zones, licking her nipples, and all that good stuff? [Read: How to eat a girl out – 81 oral sex tips to eat pussy and tongue her to bliss tricks]

Sex when you’re a new couple is exhilarating, and you’re both doing your best to please each other in every way imaginable. Every touch is exciting: a new avenue to explore with your scintillating new lover.

But, as time goes on, you may be less inclined to work your magic, and more likely to roll over before bed, requesting a quickie. It’s not exactly romantic, and it isn’t likely to make her feel very sexy or desired.

4. She’s tired of faking it

It may just be that after many years of trying to orgasm during sex with you, your girlfriend is simply sick of trying, and sick of faking it.

Don’t feel bad if your girlfriend has been faking it. In the end… no, you haven’t been doing what she needs to get her off, but you can’t fix what you don’t know is wrong!

Your girlfriend should be upfront with you. If you suspect she’s been faking and that sexual frustration is the reason for her shooting you down, your best bet is to come out into the open and ask her if she is having real O’s, or just Oscar-worthy performances. [Read: 57 signs, whys, and ways to tell if she’s faking an orgasm or really coming]

Tell her you want to make her come hard, and that your next session is going to be all about her. After the initial embarrassment, she’ll be much more excited to jump into the sack with your promise of patience and tongue-tingling action.

5. She’s getting it from someone else

Unfortunately, we can’t ignore the worst-case scenario. If she’s not getting it from you, she very well may be getting it from someone else. Unlike men, who will keep sleeping with their partner and their mistress, women are more likely to form an emotional bond once they begin sleeping with a new partner.

If she’s sleeping with someone else, she will be less likely to sleep with you in that same period. If you suspect your girlfriend is cheating, you need to calmly ask her about it ASAP. Just because she’s feeling unfulfilled doesn’t mean you should get possible STDs as punishment! [Read: 71 reasons why women cheat in relationships and how to read her mind]

6. She is going through an emotional change due to…

– Menopause: Due to the loss of estrogen and out-of-whack hormones during menopause, your wife’s sex drive may have taken a complete nosedive.

The good news? Her low libido has nothing to do with you or your sex skills! The bad news? Menopause can’t be stopped or reversed after it starts.

– She’s on birth control: Has your partner recently started taking a new form of birth control?

Ironically, the same pill being taken to prevent pregnancy is the same culprit for removing some of the testosterone found in women’s bodies responsible for giving them all of those happy, lusty feelings.

7. She’s experiencing side effects from medication

Speaking of pills, there are certain medications, especially antidepressants or medications for chronic conditions, that can have side effects that include reduced sexual desire.

If your long-term girlfriend refuses to have sex and is on medication, this could be a contributing factor. It’s important to approach this delicately and possibly consult with a healthcare provider for alternatives or solutions.

8. She’s battling self-esteem and body image issues

Often, a woman’s willingness to engage in sexual activities is closely tied to her self-esteem and body image. If your long-term girlfriend is experiencing low self-esteem or dissatisfaction with her appearance, it can lead to her refusing to have sex.

For instance, after hearing negative comments about her body or comparing herself to unrealistic beauty standards, she might feel less desirable. Encouraging body positivity and showing genuine appreciation for her appearance can sometimes help to alleviate her insecurities and rev up her libido.

[Read: Naughty ways to get over a sexual dry spell with your partner]

9. She’s feeling the strain of a power imbalance in your relationship

In some relationships, there can be a real power imbalance that can lead to one person feeling ‘in charge’ and the other person being used, ignored, and taken for granted.

You might not think that your relationship struggles with this, but your girlfriend might see your relationship that way. If so, it can make her feel less sexually inclined.

Power imbalances can arise when one person is controlling or makes all the decisions, from choosing dinner spots to managing finances. This dominance can inadvertently spill over into the bedroom, making the less dominant partner refuse to have sex.

10. She’s dealing with a history of trauma or abuse

Traumatic experiences and past abuse can profoundly affect a lot of things, including a person’s sexual desire.

If your long-term girlfriend has a history of trauma or abuse, she might find it difficult to be vulnerable in a sexual sense. [Read: Emotional baggage – what it is, types, causes, and 27 steps to put it down]

11. There’s a lack of emotional connection or too many unresolved conflicts

Emotional disconnect or ongoing conflicts in a relationship can, and will, cause your long-term girlfriend to refuse to have sex.

If there are unresolved issues, whether they’re minor irritations or significant disagreements, they can create an undercurrent of tension.

If you two are constantly bickering about finances or family matters, it’s going to create an emotional barrier for both of you, which isn’t good for setting the mood. [Read: How to resolve conflict – the 20 best ways to cut out the drama]

12. She’s struggling with a fear of intimacy or vulnerability

Sometimes, the issue is a deep-seated fear of intimacy or vulnerability, which can stem from past relationships or personal insecurities. This fear can make the idea of sexual intimacy daunting, as it requires a level of vulnerability that she just might not be ready for.

If your long-term girlfriend hasn’t healed the scars of past heartbreaks or betrayals, it can be hard for her to let her guard down. [Read: Intimacy issues – what it looks like, 39 signs, causes, and tips to date with it]

13. She’s affected by lifestyle and habitual factors

Daily habits and lifestyle choices can also play a significant role in your girlfriend’s low desire for sex. Things like excessive alcohol consumption, smoking, or lack of exercise can lead to a decreased libido.

14. She’s tired of the monotonous routine

Through no one’s fault, long-term relationships often fall into a routine, which can sometimes lead to a sense of monotony, even in sexual encounters.

If every day feels the same, and there’s a lack of novelty or excitement, this can dampen sexual desire. [Read: 37 secrets to have more sex as a couple and how often is totally normal]

15. She needs emotional reassurance and affection

In many cases, a woman’s sexual desire is closely linked to her need for emotional reassurance and non-sexual affection. If your long-term girlfriend feels like the relationship lacks emotional warmth, tenderness, and genuine affection, she might not want sex.

For instance, if the only physical touch she receives is of a sexual nature, without the balance of comforting hugs, gentle kisses, or cuddling, she might feel like sex is just, well, sex, and not a special way to boost your emotional connection to each other.

Navigating the Conversation

Navigating sensitive conversations, especially when it involves topics like why your long-term girlfriend refuses to have sex, requires a delicate balance of empathy, understanding, and tact.

It’s crucial to approach this in a way that doesn’t come across as pushy or self-centered but rather as genuinely concerned and supportive.

Here’s a list of the most important tips to help you open up this conversation effectively:

1. Choose the right moment

Timing is everything. Avoid bringing up the topic right before or after a potential sexual encounter or when you know that she’s had a stressful day.

Instead, choose a relaxed, private setting where both of you feel comfortable and undistracted. This ensures that you’re both in the right mindset to actively listen and express yourself calmly and concisely.

2. Express your feelings without blame

Start the conversation by expressing your feelings using “I” statements, like “I’ve noticed we haven’t been intimate lately, and I’m feeling a bit disconnected.”

This approach is less likely to make her feel defensive compared to pointing fingers or making accusations. [Read: Relationship arguments – 38 tips and ways to fight fair and grow closer in love]

3. Show genuine curiosity

Approach the conversation with a genuine desire to understand her perspective. Ask open-ended questions like, “How have you been feeling about our intimate life?” This shows that you value her feelings and experiences, and it’ll help her to open up to the conversation.

4. Listen actively and empathetically

When she speaks, listen actively. Show that you’re engaged by nodding, maintaining eye contact, and not interrupting.

This demonstrates that you truly care about her thoughts and feelings, encouraging her to speak her mind. [Read: 19 ways to be a much better listener in a relationship and read their mind]

5. Validate her feelings

Whatever your long-term girlfriend’s reasons may be for refusing to have sex, acknowledge and validate them. Saying something like, “I understand why you might feel that way” can go a long way in making her feel heard and respected.

6. Avoid making assumptions

Don’t jump to conclusions about why she doesn’t want sex. If she’s hesitant to open up, encourage her gently without pressuring her for an immediate response. Remember, understanding someone often requires patience.

7. Discuss emotional intimacy

Talk about the role of emotional intimacy in your relationship. You could say, “I feel that strengthening our emotional connection could bring us closer in other ways too.”

This suggests that you’re interested in more than just physical intimacy, which might be the reassurance she needs to hear. [Read: Sexual intimacy – the meaning, 20 signs you’re losing it, and secrets to grow it]

8. Reaffirm your commitment

Let her know that your concern stems from your commitment to the relationship. Reassure her that you’re there for her, both emotionally and physically, and that may be what she needs to build trust.

9. Set the mood

Instead of going for the conversation right before bed, why not set the mood by indulging in a relaxing weekend together?

Get a babysitter, order takeout, and take the weekend off. Use this time to go out for a couples’ massage or exchange them at home, complete with a long bubble bath, some wine, and the right mood music. That might warm her up to be open about what’s holding her back.

10. Offer to seek help together

If the conversation suggests deeper issues, propose the idea of seeking professional help together. This shows that you’re willing to work on the relationship as a team.

Plus, a professional will have the right tools and techniques to help you two navigate these tricky waters together. [Read: Relationship counseling – how it works, 24 signs, and ways it can help couples]

11. Follow up and keep communicating

Finally, don’t let this be a one-time conversation. Check-in with her regularly about how she’s feeling. Ongoing communication is key to a healthy, understanding relationship.

Exploring Other Forms of Intimacy

When your long-term girlfriend refuses to have sex, it doesn’t spell the end of intimacy in your relationship.

Numerous other forms of intimacy can strengthen your bond and enhance your connection. These alternative forms of intimacy can be deeply fulfilling and help maintain a strong, healthy relationship, even during times when sexual intimacy may be lacking.

Here are the most important forms of intimacy to consider when sexual intimacy is lacking:

1. Emotional intimacy

Engaging in deep, meaningful conversations is a powerful way to build emotional intimacy. Share your hopes, fears, and dreams with each other.

This kind of vulnerability fosters a deep emotional connection that is crucial for a healthy relationship and can leave you feeling just as connected as you do after sex.

2. Physical non-sexual intimacy

Physical touch that isn’t sexual, like holding hands, hugging, or non-sexual kissing, is incredibly important. This type of touch releases oxytocin, often called the ‘love hormone,’ which enhances a sense of connection and trust.

3. Shared experiences and hobbies

Participating in activities or hobbies that you both enjoy can strengthen your bond. Whether it’s cooking, hiking, or attending concerts, shared experiences create lasting memories and deepen your connection. [Read: 65 couples activities and fun things to do that’ll make you feel closer than ever]

4. Intellectual intimacy

Engaging in intellectual discussions or debates can be its own form of intimacy. Discussing books, movies, or current events allows you to connect on an intellectual level and appreciate each other’s minds.

5. Creative intimacy

Engaging in creative activities together, like painting, writing, or making music, can be a deeply intimate experience that allows you to express yourselves in new ways and appreciate each other’s creativity.

6. Spiritual intimacy

Sharing your spiritual beliefs and practices can be a deeply intimate experience. Whether it’s meditation, prayer, or discussing philosophical questions, spiritual intimacy can bring a profound sense of connection. [Read: How to have spiritual sex and experience sexual pleasure beyond orgasms]

7. Acts of service

Doing something thoughtful for your partner, like preparing their favorite meal or helping them with a project, can be a form of intimacy that tangibly shows love and care.

8. Playful intimacy

Engaging in playful activities, like board games, sports, or joking around, adds a light-hearted and fun element to your relationship. It helps keep the relationship fresh and exciting. [Read: Playful banter – what it is, how to do it, and secrets to keep the flirty talk going]

9. Adventurous intimacy

Trying new things together, like traveling to an unknown destination or even taking a dance class, can be exhilarating and strengthen your bond. It’s about stepping out of your comfort zone, together.

10. Financial intimacy

Openly discussing and managing financial matters together is an intimate part of any long-term relationship. It involves trust and working together towards common goals and can strengthen your future and the bond between you.

When to Consult Experts

In a relationship, there are times when you need external help, especially when dealing with sensitive issues like when your long-term girlfriend refuses to have sex.

Knowing when to seek the help of experts can be crucial for the health and longevity of your relationship.

Here are five situations where consulting experts might be the best course of action, explained with psychological and scientific basis:

1. Sex therapists and counselors

If you find that communication about sexual issues leads to repeated arguments or unresolved tension, it might be time to consult a sex therapist or counselor.

These professionals are trained to address sexual dysfunctions and relational issues in a non-judgmental setting.

Therapy can offer new perspectives, communication strategies, and practical solutions. It’s a space where both partners can feel heard and work towards mutual understanding and improvement. [Read: 42 secrets to communicate better in a relationship and ways to fix a lack of it]

2. Medical consultation for physical health issues

When physical health issues might be affecting your girlfriend’s libido or sexual function, a medical consultation is essential.

Conditions like hormonal imbalances, chronic pain, or other medical issues can significantly impact sexual desire and performance. A healthcare provider can diagnose and treat these conditions, which can, in turn, improve the sexual aspect of your relationship.

3. Psychological therapy for individual issues

If your girlfriend is struggling with personal issues like depression, anxiety, or past trauma, individual psychological therapy can be beneficial. These mental health issues can profoundly affect sexual desire and intimacy. [Read: Dating someone with depression – 23 signs and truths you must know]

A psychologist or psychiatrist can provide therapy and, if necessary, medication to help manage these conditions, potentially improving both her well-being and the sexual dynamics of your relationship.

4. Couples therapy for relationship issues

Sometimes, the root of sexual dysfunction lies in the broader dynamics of the relationship. Couples therapy can help address underlying conflicts, communication problems, or emotional disconnects.

By improving the overall health of the relationship, couples often find that their sexual relationship also improves.

5. Sex education and relationship workshops

If either of you have a lack of sexual knowledge or experience, attending sex education workshops or relationship seminars can be beneficial.

These educational settings can provide both of you with a better understanding of sexual health, techniques, and emotional connection, fostering a more satisfying sexual relationship.

It’s Challenging, But Not Impossible!

Navigating the twists and turns when your long-term girlfriend refuses to have sex can feel like trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube in the dark—challenging, but not impossible!

Remember, a drought in the land of love doesn’t have to lead to a relationship desert. Keeping the lines of communication open is like having the ultimate relationship Swiss Army knife—it’s got just the tool for almost every problem.

So, talk it out, laugh it out, and if need be, seek out expert advice. With understanding, patience, and a bit of humor, you’ll soon find yourself not just solving puzzles but also rekindling the sparks.

And before you know it, those regular romps and the magic of oxytocin will be back, making your relationship feel like a well-oiled love machine.

[Read: Too much sex? 15 signs to know if your sex life is well-balanced]

After all, every relationship has its ups and downs, but with the right approach, even when your long-term girlfriend refuses to have sex, you’re just a heartfelt conversation away from turning those downs back into ups.

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Vinod Srinivas Serai
Vin Serai
Vin Serai is the founder of LovePanky.com, and has delved deep into the working of love and relationships for almost two decades. Having dipped his feet in almo...