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The Non-Asian Guy’s Guide to Dating an Asian Girl

When you want to be with an Asian girl, but you don’t want to feel like you’re worlds apart, here’s a guide for how you can successfully go about it. By Eli Walton

The Non-Asian Guy's Guide to Dating an Asian Girl

Asian women get a lot of attention from guys, and a lot of it is unwanted. You’d be amazed at how creepy and un-self aware a lot of men are when they try to flirt with an Asian girl. Things they’d never think of saying or insinuating when talking with any other woman will spill out of them when they approach an Asian.

It’s not totally clear why this is. Maybe their feminine beauty is too enchanting, and guys just can’t help themselves. Or more likely it’s the typical depiction of Asian women in movies as submissive and always horny. Either way, it can work to your advantage. Avoid the mistakes all the other clowns make, and you’ll leave a great first impression.

How to date an Asian girl

There is a huge difference between dating an Asian woman if you happen to live in Asia, and dating one whose family immigrated to the West. This article is mainly about Asian girls who didn’t grow up in Asia, but much of the advice will hold true for Asian women anywhere. No matter where she lives or where she grew up, the single most important thing is to….

1. Treat her like a person, not an Asian

Everybody wants to be treated as an individual, and to be appreciated for what makes them unique, not for whatever group they are a part of. If you try flirting with a woman by telling her how much you love Chinese women, think about how that will sound to her. Instead of liking her for her personality, her style, her sense of humor or any of the other million things that make her unique, you are telling her you like her because of the random accident of birth.

As a rule, during the first couple of hours you spend talking with a woman, completely avoid the words “Asia” and “Asian.” Of course there may be perfectly appropriate ways to use those words, but if you’re worried that your judgment will be clouded, then err on the side of caution and don’t use them. This will keep your attention focused on her as an individual, not as an Asian.

2. Guessing game

One of the more comically inept things guys do right off the bat when approaching an Asian woman is to try and guess where she’s from or what her heritage is. Some guys will even try a greeting in whichever Asian language they happen to know a few words in. The usual result is they say hello in Mandarin Chinese to a woman of Korean descent, who was born and raised in Fresno, California.

Obviously, where she or her family are from is an important part of her life story. There is certainly a time and place to inquire about it, but within minutes of meeting her is just not the time. Be a good listener, be genuinely interested in what she has to say, and she’ll most likely reveal it to you on her own. [Read: 20 ways to perfect your first date conversation]

3. Culture lover

There is certainly nothing wrong with being interested in a foreign culture. A lot of guys who have a thing for Asian girls tend to also be into Japanese culture. From Japanimation, to the code of the Samurai, they know a lot about it. If this sounds like you, great! It really is a truly fascinating culture. Just don’t tell her about how much you love Hayao Miyazaki films when you’ve just met her. She’s met guys like you before, and the “I love your culture” move will immediately trigger her creepy-Asian-fetish-guy firewall.

Once again, it’s okay if you’re into an Asian culture. But revealing that fact right away is weird. You wouldn’t do that if you were talking to a non-Asian woman. Approach her as you would any other person, without specifically drawing attention to the fact that she’s Asian, and let it go from there. The fact that you know Medieval Japanese history is actually pretty interesting, but only if you let that fact come up naturally. It’s just not an okay conversation starter.

4. Diagnosis: yellow fever

Some guys are only attracted to Asian women – something people usually call “yellow fever.” Our brains are wired how they’re wired, and if you have a case of it, there’s not much you can do about. Just don’t, under any circumstances, tell her about your yellow fever. You might like big breasts, but when you approach the well-endowed woman at the bar, you don’t tell her that’s why you’re into her.

As you get to know someone better, your dating history should come up slowly. After a few dates you can mention that your past girlfriends have also been Asian. This will raise a red flag for her, but if you’re not creepy about it, she will understand. Tell her you’re physically attracted to Asian women, but stress that you’re on your third date with her because you like her personality and you’re having fun with her and that you’re not just into her for the color of her skin. Asian women are leery of guys with yellow fever, but if you tell her in the right way, she’ll understand. [Read: 10 FYIs for dating someone from another culture

5. Easy does it

One of the more pernicious myths about Asian women is that they’re easy. Western soldiers returning from wars in Asia brought home stories of beautiful women whom any guy can sleep with, though they were, of course, prostitutes. Movies further prop this up with their depictions of Asian women. And a huge genre of Asian porn portrays all Asian women as living sex dolls.

If anything, the opposite is true. Even for girls who grew up in Western countries, they were still likely raised with a more conservative sexual mindset from their parents or grandparents. Asian countries are also much more conservative. Your buddy who bragged about all the girls he shagged in Thailand… Yeah, he probably paid for it, despite what he said.

If you want to date an Asian woman, get it out of your head now that she will be easy. You’re going to have to work for it just like you would with any other woman. So bring your wit and your charm, stay in shape, dress well, and be a gentleman. False assumptions based on a myth will get you nowhere. [Read: 13 rules of etiquette for the modern gentleman]

6. Forget the stereotypes

A lot of people assume Asian women are submissive and servile. Those who pine for the days when women cooked, cleaned, raised the children, and otherwise kept out of sight, often think an Asian woman will be just what they’re looking for. This is, quite frankly, stupid. If that’s really what you want, then a woman who actually grew up in Asia might come close, but even then there’s more to it than meets the eye. And just like in the West, more and more women in Asia are becoming equals with men, attaining higher levels of education than men, and running governments and large corporations.

If you’re dating a woman of Asian descent who grew up in your country, then guess what? She’s going to be like the other women in your country. Guys who go after Asian women in search of an obedient, submissive woman, are nearly always disappointed.

[Read: 12 typical dating stereotypes for women in a man’s mind]

The graceful features and exotic feminine beauty of Asian women are attractive to any man. But if you approach her as an Asian girl, rather than as an individual, you’ll just be another creepy guy she laughs about later with her friends.

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Eli Walton
I'm a freelance writer dividing my time between the beaches of Thailand and my hometown of Chicago....