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How to Talk to a Shy Girl: 21 Ways to Make Her Comfortable & Open Up

When you meet girls, it’s not always easy to figure out what to talk about. But what if someone is shy? Here is how to talk to a shy girl.

how to talk to a shy girl

If you’ve approached women before, you know how nerve-wracking it can be. You may get rejected, you may get her number, but never make it to a first date. There’s an endless stream of things that could happen once you approach her. Learning how to talk to a shy girl is something worth knowing as you approach women.

Obviously, you want her number and a date. So, for a girl that’s outgoing and talkative, it may come as a breeze for you. However, not all girls are open for conversation. It’s not because they don’t like you, it’s simply because they’re shy.

[Read: How to tell if a shy girl likes you – All their subtle secrets revealed]

Why are some people shy?

If you are an extrovert and a social person, you might not understand why other people are shy. You may want to know how to talk to a shy girl, but then again, you might misinterpret her behavior as a lack of interest, when in fact, the opposite could be true. Here are some reasons some people are shy.

1. Low self-esteem

Many people have low self-esteem, but not all of them are shy. Someone might be the “life of the party” type and still not feel good about themselves. And a shy person might actually like themselves.

But it is very possible that a shy person might be very self-conscious and have negative thoughts about themselves. It makes sense, if you think about it. If you don’t like yourself, you will probably hold back when interacting with other people because you fear they will judge you. [Read: 19 signs of low self-esteem in a girl and how to spot them instantly]

2. They were born that way

The age-old question of … “is it nature or is it nurture?” … is very much something that people have wondered for eons. In other words, are people just born the way they are, or were we “created” to be that way through our life experiences?

That is a very debated topic, but on some level, both are true. We are all born with unique DNA and biological predispositions. And one of those can include personality. So, it could be that the shy girl you are wondering how to talk to might just have been that way since birth.

3. Traumatic experiences in childhood

Not everyone has a good childhood. Some people were physically, verbally, or emotionally abused. If that’s the case, then it’s not surprising that they would be uncomfortable around people. They might look at everyone with suspicion in order to protect themselves. [Read: Conversation starters for the shy and socially awkward people]

Even if they weren’t abused by their parents, they could have had a traumatic experience(s) in a different way. Maybe they were bullied or made fun of throughout their lives. That would also cause them to be shy.

4. Lack of opportunities to be social

Some families are what is called “closed families.” In other words, the parents are very over-protective of their children. They don’t let them go over to friends’ houses or engage in a lot of activity with other people.

If that was how someone grew up, then they might not have learned the social skills that are necessary to form deep relationships. So if you want to know how to talk to a shy girl and get her to open up, know that it’s not her fault – it’s just a product of the kind of family she grew up in. [Read: How to tell a girl you like her over text and not be pushy]

5. Learned behavior

Similar to what was just mentioned in the previous point, they could have grown up in a family where her parents and/or siblings were shy. This is called the “social learning theory.” We imitate the behavior that we see around us.

So, if a girl grew up around shy people her whole life, then it’s “normal” to act shy when you talk to her because that’s all she knows.

The difference between introversion and shyness

Most people think that introverts are automatically shy. This could be true, but it’s not necessarily the case.

Being an introvert could mean that you are shy, but there are also what is called “gregarious introverts.” In other words, they seem friendly, social, and outgoing, but they are really an introvert. [Read: How to talk to anyone in a charming way]

You see, whether someone is an extrovert or an introvert is where they get their energy and how they “re-charge.” Extroverts get their energy by being with other people and in crowds. But introverts get drained by that. They re-charge by being alone, regardless of whether or not they enjoy being around people.

Shy people may be introverted too. However, as strange as this may sound, there are some shy extroverts too. These people may enjoy being around people *and they feel “charged” that way*, but they may not know how to start or hold a conversation with someone.

If this all seems a bit contradictory and confusing, don’t worry. It is to a lot of people! But the important thing to remember is that if you are really wanting to know how to talk to a shy girl, then you need to look at other aspects of her personality too so you can accurately assess who she really is. [Read: Socially inept – what it is, 20 signs and ways to help someone open up and connect to you]

How to talk to a shy girl

People think shy girls have some sort of complex or socializing issues but that’s not the case. The problem is assuming all girls are talkative and willing to engage in small talk. This doesn’t mean shy girls have nothing to say, they have plenty to say. They just don’t know you.

Around their friends, they’re chatty, but you’re a stranger, meaning you’re going to have to put more elbow grease into this girl and be patient. So, this is how you talk to a shy girl if you want it to be successful and not suffocate her with your constant chatter.

It’s not hard, it’s just a different approach.

1. Don’t be too aggressive

Many men tend to take an overly aggressive approach when talking to a shy girl. This is because you feel insecure about her feelings about you.

Who cares if she likes you or not? She won’t like you more if you’re suffocating her with your conversation and overall existence. Take a breath, relax, don’t become aggressive because you’re not getting what you want. [Read: 11 signs a woman is intimidated by your assertiveness]

2. Invest the time 

If you want to know how to talk to a shy girl, you should know that it’s going to take a while for her to relax around you. There’s no rush, and if you genuinely like her, you’ll invest the time in getting to know her and allowing her the time to relax.

Don’t rush this because it won’t speed up anything, rather, it pushes her away. [Read: How to read people – 12 secrets to figure anyone out instantly]

3. Don’t assume she’s not interested 

She may be talking to you. However, just not at an amount that you’re used to. This doesn’t mean she’s not interested, she’s shy. Unless she tells you she’s not interested or says no to you when you ask her out, she could be interested.

4. Don’t equate shyness with low self-esteem 

Just because she’s shy doesn’t mean she thinks less of herself or has low self-esteem. Just because someone isn’t outgoing, don’t assume they have some personal issues.

She can be just as confident and happy or even more so than someone who’s loud. Don’t try to stereotype her and make her into a One Direction song. She knows she’s beautiful. [Read: How to know if someone likes you back – 15 subtle signs people miss]

5. When you approach her, go solo 

This is especially important when it comes to knowing how to talk to a shy girl. Can you imagine a group of men approaching a woman who’s on her own? Any girl would get nervous when that happens, let alone a shy girl!

Is this some sort of intimidation technique to try to scare women into giving you their numbers? If so, stop. Approach any woman on your own. Make her comfortable, do not overwhelm her. [Read: How to approach a girl you don’t know and impress her]

6. Small talk is a good start 

Just start with small talk. Keep it simple, you don’t need to read Tolstoy before approaching her to get a conversation started. Simple small talk helps relax her.

Talk about the things that are going on around you, make her laugh. Don’t get too personal. She’s shy, so you want to take that part slow and steady. [Read: How to start a conversation with a girl and make her really like you]

7. Use technology to your advantage

If she’s shy, then use technology to your advantage. If you met her, spoke to her a bit, and asked her out, that’s a great start.

Now that you have her number, text her. She may feel more comfortable and open via text because she’s in her comfort zone. Then, when you go to meet up with her, her guard is already lowered a bit. [Read: What to text a girl you like – 15 ways to make her love texting you]

8. Ask open-ended questions 

If you want to know how to talk to a shy girl, the worst thing you can do is ask questions where she can just answer yes or no. You want her to talk and open up about herself. That way, you learn more about her and what she’s into.

When she answers, go deeper into the conversation by asking, “why” or “how.”

9. Have open body language

You want to make yourself as friendly and open as you can, this means paying attention to your body language. Though, if you’re into her, you naturally have open body language.

Lean into her when she speaks, don’t cross your arms, and be at a comfortable distance. [Read: 20 signs she’s flirting with you even if she wants to be very subtle]

10. But don’t be overly touchy 

Having open body language is great, however, keep your hands to yourself until she becomes more comfortable.

Then, flirt with her a little, touch her arm, her hands, etc. But keep everything to a minimum. If you’re overly touchy, she’ll put her guard up.

11. Be consistent 

You need to continue to pursue her if you like her. Of course, if she’s not into you, pull back and fade away. But, if you feel the vibes, continue to talk and flirt with her. You’re working on letting her guard down which takes time.

12. How do you know if she likes you 

Many men cannot tell the difference if she’s just shy or if she’s not interested.

If she’s interested in you, she’ll respond to questions and engage in conversation.

If she’s not interested in you, she’ll give you yes or no answers, she’ll generally ignore, and she may even tell you she’s not interested. So, if someone doesn’t like you, you’ll feel it very quickly. [Read: The best ways to tell if she’s flirting, or just being friendly]

13. Be patient

If you want to get anywhere with a shy girl and talk to her, you’re going to need to be patient. It’s really the only way. Don’t put some sort of deadline on this, it ain’t gonna happen. If you want a relationship with her, get to know her and don’t rush.

14. Read her body language

According to research, body language *nonverbal communication* accounts for almost 80% of a message that a person sends you. With that said, it’s probably not a good idea to focus on what a shy girl says, instead you should focus on her actions.

When she feels anxious, she will have closed body language. Her arms might be folded and legs crossed. She also might put distance between you and not have much eye contact. If you see her do this, you should back off a little so she can be more comfortable. [Read: 10 subtle but instantly recognizable signs a shy girl likes you]

15. Mirror her body language

Once you have trained yourself to pay attention to what she is doing with her body and her actions, then you can mirror her.

If she moves away from you, let her. You can even scoot a bit farther yourself. If she seems uncomfortable with eye contact, then don’t stare into her eyes. Whatever she does, you do it too. Let her take the lead. [Read: 27 signs a woman is attracted to you sexually and wants you to get closer to her]

16. Know when to give her a break

You may not be shy. In fact, you might be quite social and extroverted, so you might not need a break from social interaction.

But if she’s a shy introvert, then she will need to have breaks from communication once in a while. So, you will need to become an expert on when she thinks “enough is enough.” If you keep pushing her for more communication, she might shut down.

So, sometimes, less is more with a shy girl.

[Read: Does she like me? 17 signs she’s clearly interested in you]

Now that you know how to talk to a shy girl, don’t assume that they don’t like you. You need to give them time to relax and become comfortable around you.

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Vinod Srinivas Serai
Vin Serai
Vin Serai is the founder of LovePanky.com, and has delved deep into the working of love and relationships for almost two decades. Having dipped his feet in almo...