Click here to read the introduction: The Art of the Perfect Man Hug
You’ve now learnt when it is appropriate to hug and when it’s not. However, we hope you haven’t just gone out there and tried hugging someone because (a) we haven’t yet told you ‘how to man-hug’ and (b) chances are, whatever hugging you’ve done without reading Step 2 below, it’s illegal in about 100 countries worldwide. The last thing we want is to see you on CNN for gross public misconduct according to the laws of Burkina Faso.
Step 1: Intention
Firstly, it is important not to let your hugee get caught off guard. Don’t just run up to someone and hug them without letting them know your intention as this will come across as if you’re about to grope them. They may feel you’re going for their undies and not realize you’re hugging them.
Instead, open up your body with your hands about 20cm apart, ensure your right-hand is higher than your left-hand and lean back slightly. In doing so you may initially look like you are about to perform some Euro-techno robot dance, but rest assured that the hugee will see that you’re approaching them to hug, and not to dance.
Step 2: Your Head
Tilt your head to the left, letting your hugee know where you’re going otherwise you could both end up approaching each other and accidentally kissing. We wouldn’t want a situation where you re-enact a scene from Brokeback Mountain.
Step 3: Embrace
Step in towards your fellow man, your right-hand will go over their shoulders, with your head going to the left of theirs.
Your measure of sincerity is shown by you firmly gripping them into your hands.
If you fail to firmly grip, you’ll end up in a floppy, half-hearted attempt that will make you look like a retard at a hugging convention. Keep your head straight, facing forward.
WARNING: If you look down or incline towards your hugee, this may seem inappropriate and look like you’re smooching.
Step 4: How long do I hug?
The hugging timeline depends on how comfortable you are, but realistically, a second or two is fine. If it’s a family member or a best friend, it may be much longer. However, be careful. Staying longer in this compromising position may make you uncomfortable and catch the eye of girls passing by, meaning that, instead of thinking you’re cool, they would think you swing the other way.
Step 5: Making the embrace a ‘Man-Hug’
At the moment you probably feel as though this hug is as camp as an Elton John on pills. But don’t worry, what makes the hug ‘man-ly’ is the Pat. The pat is the most crucial part and separates the boys from the men. Lift your right hand up (not like you’re hailing Hitler) and firmly pat the back of your hugee. This shows you’re a man, and the harder you pat, the more masculine you are.
Step 6: Step back
You’ve now completed the man hug. But knowing how to complete your step back is important. After patting your hugee three or four times, smartly move away, lifting your hands and stepping back.
WARNING: Do not slide your arms slowly across your hugee’s body or arms in a lethargic manner, otherwise you will leave your friends confused as to your hugging intentions. If this occurs, and you cannot avoid it, RUN!
Step 7: Finishing off
You have now completed the first 6 steps of the perfect man hug. But to end this in the most appropriate manner, don’t cough, scratch yourself or look scared after hugging. Instead, say something that corresponds with why you hugged like ‘how are you?’, ‘great to see you’, or ‘hey dude, how’s things?’
Well done! You have done it. You’re still a man, and you’ve performed a hug showing your feminine side. You are the beast of the 21st century. You are the gladiator of the world. You’re the Dude.
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