An emotionally unavailable woman is a tricky lady to deal with. Maybe she’s not ready for a relationship, or maybe there’s something deeper.
We all know about emotionally unavailable men. Lesser known are emotionally unavailable women, and they are also discussed far less. Just as a man can be emotionally unavailable, a woman can be too.
It’s tricky to read an emotionally unavailable woman because of how closed off and distant she is. Emotionally unavailable women generally aren’t interested in long-term relationships, or any relationship at all. They want disjointed love, arms-length warmth, and a guy who doesn’t expect more than casual sex.
They don’t do vulnerability, and they don’t do committed relationships – it’s as simple as that. But perhaps it’s because she’s been hurt in the past or she’s struggling with the idea of commitment in general.
The only way to know is to dig a little deeper. [Read: Am I emotionally unavailable? 32 signs you are & how to fix it ASAP]
How do you break through the walls of an emotionally unavailable woman?
Emotionally unavailable women are often the way they are because of something in their past. In other words, building high, impenetrable walls is their way of avoiding getting hurt again. So if you want to get through to them, it takes a lot of patience, understanding, and most importantly, effort.
Show her that you’re not just like every other guy that has tried to woo her in the past and ended up abandoning her. The key here is to earn her trust, and you’ll eventually win her heart.
Always be there to listen to her and be patient. She’ll break down her walls eventually, but for now, she’s wary of letting you in. [Read: How to recognize an emotionally distant partner & deal with them]
Signs of an emotionally unavailable woman who isn’t ready for a relationship
Emotionally unavailable women are almost impossible to read and even more tricky to get them to commit. But how can you know for sure that the woman you’re dating is emotionally unavailable and not just going through a rough patch?
1. She sticks to easy topics
One of the apparent signs of emotionally unavailable women is that they stick to easy and light topics. Don’t bother going into deep and meaningful conversations with her – she won’t bother.
She’ll avoid intimate topics at all costs and avoid getting too personal since all she’s interested in is keeping things light and casual. [Read: Drawing a blank? Try these 25 good conversation starters]
2. She won’t label the relationship
When you’re dating someone emotionally unavailable, she won’t label the relationship, no matter how many times you ask. After all, why would you label something if you’re not serious about it?
You’ll often witness her using excuses such as “we’re still getting to know one another” or “what’s the rush?” It could simply be that she’s not ready for a relationship or maybe she doesn’t want one at all. [Read: What are we? How to get your crush to label your relationship]
3. She can’t compromise
One of the necessary aspects of any functioning relationship is the ability to compromise. However, you can’t expect emotionally unavailable women to do this.
Compromise requires having feelings for the other person and meeting them halfway, which is something she obviously can’t do. Unless she benefits from it, she’ll never compromise. [Read: How to compromise in a relationship & not feel like you lost out]
4. Her texts are scarce
When you communicate with an emotionally unavailable woman, messages are often scarce and they take forever to respond. If anything, all she will ever text you are sexual innuendos and flirting since that’s all she’ll ever be interested in.
When you try to open more profound and meaningful topics, she will get bored, ghost you, or deflect the subject entirely. In all honesty, she’s not ready for a relationship of any kind.
5. She isn’t vulnerable – and never will be
You can’t expect emotionally unavailable people to show their emotions and be vulnerable. They associate feelings as signs of weakness, so this is also why they’ll never speak about their personal life, open up about anything, or reveal any kind of emotion.
Emotionally unavailable women are ice cold for a reason. [Read: What does it mean to be vulnerable? 15 ways you can open up more]
6. She wants to keep the relationship a secret
If she’s not ready for a relationship, she’s not going to want the world to know about any type of dating situation she’s in. It could also be that she’s playing games with you, and wants to keep you a dirty little secret.
Whatever the reason, an emotionally unavailable woman is likely to do this. But, can you handle it?
7. You feel needy
You ask her to hang out or text her, but she behaves like you’re extremely dependent. When the truth is, you’re not! You’re just showing interest.
But since she’s emotionally unavailable, your interest is coming off as needy and clingy. If she really liked you, showing interest wouldn’t be a problem. [Read: What to do when a girl ignores you and won’t give you a chance]
8. She’s not emotionally consistent
When you’re seeing someone who’s not emotionally available, you’re all over the place with your feelings. And it’s likely that she is too.
One minute she’s happy, the next minute she’s rude and cold towards you. She’s going through an emotional rollercoaster that shouldn’t include you.
9. What does her body language say?
We always overlook body language, but that’s how we communicate the majority of the time. People will subconsciously express their feelings to you, whether it’s through eye contact, touch, or even posture.
Does she touch you in a nurturing or comforting way? Does she make eye contact with you? These signs could tell you if she’s not ready for a relationship or whether it’s a possibility in the future. [Read: 15 body language clues a girl gives away if she likes you]
10. You feel invalidated
We’re going to assume you’re in touch with your emotions, and if you are, then you see a huge problem in the way she behaves. But, your emotions are seen as invalid by her.
Maybe she’ll tell you that you’re too emotional or sensitive. And that’s simply because she is trying her best to ignore and suppress difficult feelings.
11. She has a history of unstable relationships
You may be the first stable guy she’s encountered in a while. First of all, good for you. But if she has a track record of dating jerks and men who have played her, then there’s a solid chance she’s stuck in that unhealthy pattern.
And that’s a hard pattern to break. [Read: How to handle a girlfriend who takes you for granted]
12. She just left a relationship
Some people can jump from one relationship to another, and this is usually because they’re avoiding dealing with their emotions. And this may be the case with her.
If she just left the relationship, she hasn’t had the time to process her feelings. So, maybe she thinks she wants something serious or just a fling, but she’s not ready for a relationship. [Read: Rebound relationship – 43 signs and rules and how to have fun in one]
13. All plans are last minute
This is one of those obvious signs she’s not emotionally ready for a relationship with you. Does she actually give you real consideration, or does she think of you only when she has nothing better to do?
If she really liked you, she wouldn’t wait for better plans to come along. Yet, she lets you know minutes before whether or not she’s going to spend time with you. That’s because you’re not a priority.
If you were, she would make plans with you days before without blinking an eye. [Read: 15 secrets to make girls chase you and become irresistible]
14. She avoids conflict
Every relationship has a healthy dose of conflict. Through conflict, a couple can grow. But if she’s emotionally unavailable, she’ll avoid conflict.
Why would she put herself in a situation that’ll make her reflect on her actions? That’s not going to happen. So, she’ll pretend like nothing is wrong. [Read: How to know when to back off while pursuing a girl]
15. She’s very defensive
Maybe you’ve confronted her on some of her behavior, but there always seems to be an excuse. The only thing is none of the excuses have anything to do with her. It’s always someone else’s fault why this or that happened.
She’s not interested in solving the problem, she’s interested in pointing fingers at someone else.
16. You do all the work
When you’re in a relationship, it’s supposed to be equal, but with her, you do all the work. You make the plans, you initiate conversations, and you try to develop a connection.
It’s a lot of you, but where is she? [Read: Signs a girl is just using you for all the wrong reasons]
17. She’s not reliable
Though you want her to be the person you can call when something good or bad happens, she’s not really there. You usually end up telling your best friend or mom about your accomplishments and when you tell her, she’s not overly excited.
If someone has a real interest in you, they’ll be right there wanting to know more.
18. She talks a lot about being ‘free’
She’ll mention to you she wants to be in an open relationship or that she loves her freedom. These aren’t words you’d use when you’re dating someone you really like.
Whether she’s scared or not interested in a relationship, she’s not looking for anything serious. [Read: Emotional baggage – how to help someone put it down and find freedom]
19. There’s no talk of the future
When someone wants to be with you, they’ll mention doing things with you in the future. But she avoids it like the plague. She doesn’t ask about your summer plans or what you’re doing for Christmas.
She’s not interested in the future with you, her main focus is what’s happening in the present. [Read: 16 signs she is falling in love with you and wants something serious]
20. You feel like she’s not exclusive
When a woman loves a man, she’ll usually want to commit to him *not all women*. When you’re with her though, she’s looking at her phone, giving her attention to someone else. If you don’t feel like you’re her number one, then you’re not.
21. It’s just about sex
You want to go on a date with her, but she just wants to meet up at your place. It could be because she’s tired, or it could be because she’s not interested in spending a lot of time with you outside of the bedroom. [Read: Is she serious or just playing with your heart?]
22. She doesn’t want to meet your friends
You’ve invited her out with your friends, and maybe she’s gone once or twice, but other than that, she doesn’t show interest in going out with you.
See, that’s not a good sign. If a woman wants to get to know you, she’ll spend time around your friends and not run away from the opportunity.
23. She invests very little time in you
You see her once a week, maybe twice, but that’s about it. She doesn’t want to spend too much time with you. Maybe she does, but if she doesn’t tell you this, then probably not.
She doesn’t want to give you her time because she doesn’t see you as someone serious to be with. In all truth, she’s not ready for a relationship of any kind. [Read: 27 clear signs she’s not interested in you anymore and getting bored]
24. She still uses dating apps
If you took a peek at her phone while she was using it next to you, you may have seen a Tinder or Bumble icon. That’s not for show, she’s probably using them.
If she still has dating apps on her phone, she’s not wanting anything serious with you and she’s not ready or emotionally available for a relationship.
25. You don’t know much about her
Emotionally unavailable women don’t like to share. You want to know more, but she keeps her lips pretty sealed.
When a woman likes a guy, she’ll open herself up to him to create a bond, but she doesn’t tell you anything personal about herself. Most of her conversations are shallow and she tends to keep it that way. [Read: How to get to know someone on a date]
26. She introduces you as a friend
Do you think if you were really in a relationship she would call you a friend? No way. If she’s introducing you as a friend and you’ve seen all the other signs, she’s not wanting anything serious.
Or she’s waiting for you to talk about it *but we doubt it*. [Read: The sure signs she’s ready to get serious with you]
The most common reasons a woman is emotionally unavailable and how to reach her
There are very few reasons why a woman is emotionally unavailable. Fear not, most of them can be undone with some sincerity, trust, and commitment.
If you’ve found the woman of your dreams and wish to make her you’re happily ever after, consider the reason she locked herself off and keeps you at arms-length. [Read: Communication techniques to finally get them to open up to you]
1. She was hurt in the past
Anyone who has experienced loss in the past is likely not to want to repeat it. Being emotionally hurt isn’t like a cut or a bruise. Sometimes, no amount of time heals a broken heart.
Women don’t just create walls because they feel like it, they do it as a defense mechanism.
She’s been bruised and hurt before, and she doesn’t want to feel the same way again. What you have to do is prove to her you are worth her being vulnerable. That means no matter if she lets the crazy out of the closet, tells you to go when she really wants you to stay, or pushes you away, you hold her tight.
Don’t buy her lines that she wants you to go because most often than not, she’s testing to see if you’ll really leave. Emotionally unavailable women carry a lot of baggage that involves pain, grief, and loss. [Read: How to earn a girl’s trust without losing a limb!]
2. She had a poor male role model
Our parents are supposed to be our role models growing up, but what happens when one chooses to abandon you or turns out to be a bad role model?
What men don’t know, but every woman does, is that the key to a woman’s mental stability is found in the love she finds in her father.
If the first man she trusts and loves lets her down, it sets a precedent for her future and what she believes the opposite sex to be. It might not change the facts of her childhood and upbringing, but it does help you understand her better.
You have to prove to her you are capable of unconditional love and providing her the safety and shelter she should have gotten from her father.
There’s a reason why emotionally unavailable women often go for the worst types of guys – it’s because they feel it’s the love they deserve. [Read: Dating a girl with daddy issues – 15 things you must know]
3. She is insecure
Insecure means feeling no security. If a girl is emotionally unavailable, it means she fears feeling vulnerable and will fight very hard against you making her feel reliant on you.
If this is the reason behind her emotional unavailability, it takes a lot of reassurance to make her believe you.
But most importantly, she has to choose to let you in. Love and relationships can make us feel a little out of control at times, which is why it’s a scary feeling.
The thing you should know about an insecure girl is that she will never ask for your help, assistance, or time. So even if she doesn’t say so, be the type of reliable and trustworthy person. [Read: Insecurity in a relationship – how to feel more secure & love better]
4. There is something traumatic in her past
No one makes it through life without some scrapes and scars, but sometimes life creates massive wounds in people’s hearts.
Some women have experienced traumatic times. Whether it was finding out that their dad cheated on their mom, assault, or something as common as being cheated on, we all have a past.
Maybe she had a toxic relationship and has been manipulated repeatedly, and this caused her to give up on love entirely. If you want to get the trust and heart of emotionally unavailable women, listen to them and try your best to understand their trauma.
Being a good listener will more than suffice her needs, especially in a world where guys tend to invalidate women’s feelings. [Read: Women’s relationship issues that all men must know]
5. She doesn’t think she is good enough for love
When something traumatic happens to a person, they have two ways to interpret it. They either recognize that it has nothing to do with them, or they internalize it and take the blame for it whether or not they bear any fault. Sometimes emotionally unavailable women believe they are simply not worthy of love.
We accept that love we think we deserve, so when she’s been through enough, it causes her to build such a high wall so people can’t get in and hurt her anymore.
If a woman feels they have done something in their past to make them so-called damaged goods, it may take some reworking to convince her otherwise.
Understand her brokenness and don’t judge her because of it. No matter how much she pushes you away or tries to show you all the bad things she can do, continue to approve of her and love her. [Read: 19 signs of emotional damage and ways to get past them]
6. She is selfish
Of course, there is always the situation when the woman you love is emotionally unavailable because she is just selfish and immature. When someone believes themselves to be better than anyone or anything out there, they make themselves unavailable.
This is obviously one of the worst reasons on this list since it comes from selfishness. When dealing with emotionally unavailable women for this reason, it’s much better to let them go and stop trying.
The woman who is emotionally unavailable because she loves herself too much is the one you should let go of.
You can only love one person at a time, and until she stops adoring herself so much, there is no room for you. [Read: Types of girls you should avoid falling for at all costs]
7. Her heart belongs to someone else
Okay, we hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the emotionally unavailable woman, because she is in love with someone else, is the worst type of woman to fall for.
As much as you want her to love and choose you, you simply have no control over it. You can’t change how she feels, nor should you even attempt to.
She’s not ready for a relationship because she’s still caught up on someone else. [Read: Subtle signs your girlfriend’s not over her ex and still misses him]
Signs that you only like emotionally distant women
Do you keep scratching your head because you just can’t figure out how you have the worst luck when it comes to finding women that are “normal”? It could be because you’re more attracted to emotionally unavailable women.
If you want to know if this is really the case, here are 10 signs to help shed some light on your unfortunate situation.
1. You love the chase
You know she’s not ready for a relationship, but you go for it anyway. Guys who love emotionally distant women are the guys who are mostly after the chase.
If you are really into a woman because you have to work extra hard to get her, but then find yourself uninterested once she finally reciprocates those feelings, you probably jump all over emotionally unavailable women.
This type of woman really doesn’t pay you any interest because she’s just not emotionally ready to deal with another person in her life, but you go after her anyway because the chase is so entertaining. [Read: What you need to do when she’s playing hard to get]
2. You feel the need to ‘fix’ situations
Are you the type of person that always has to fix stuff? If so, then you might only like emotionally unavailable women who just can’t connect with you on an emotional level.
These women appear broken and fragile to you, and if you have the personality that makes you want to fix them, you could find yourself dating these women without a second thought.
The thing is, she’s not ready for a relationship and nothing you do is going to change that. [Read: Complicated relationship – what it is and the best ways to fix it or get out of it]
3. You like feeling extremely masculine
We know that most men like being masculine. However, if you’re the type of guy that really needs that extra manly boost, perhaps you need to compensate for something, then you may find yourself attracted to emotionally distant women.
These women are weak and fragile and there’s something about them that makes them seem like they need a man. This is why you feel so manly when you’re with them.
And if you need that feeling to be happy, you’ll realize that these women will find their way into your life. [Read: Here’s how you can be masculine without being a jerk]
4. You need to be needed
Some people just need to feel like they’re needed by others in order to be happy. If you’re happiest when people ask for your help or they need you to be around for some reason, then it is you.
Emotionally weak and distant women tend to be more needy and more dependent on you than if they have their emotions in check. If you’re the type that needs to be needed, then you probably only like emotionally unavailable women.
5. The ‘damsel in distress’ type is attractive to you
Sure, there’s probably some fantasy out there about a poor damsel in distress that is rescued by the big, brave knight and then they bang each other until the sun sets below the forest treetops.
If this sounds like something that would turn you on, then you might find yourself in relationships with emotionally unavailable women more than most. These women seem like they need saving and you’re attracted to the idea of being the savior. [Read: Damsel in distress – why most men find them irresistible]
6. You find a thrill in unpredictable behavior
Although everyone loves a little bit of spontaneity in their relationship, you LOVE never knowing what’s going to happen next. If you are drawn to the idea of always being on your toes with someone, then you most likely are extremely attracted to emotionally distant women.
Since their emotions are relatively all over the place, you never know where they’ll throw you next. That excitement can be addicting, which is why you’ll find that you’re really attracted to this type of woman.
However, if she’s not ready for a relationship, your thrill will take you nowhere. [Read: 21 things men do that’ll turn any girl into a crazy girlfriend]
7. You like women who are mean or sassy
For some reason, there are men out there who enjoy mean or sassy women. If you’re the type that gets all riled up and excited when your woman is frustrated with you, then you might find that the majority of the women you’re dating are emotionally unavailable. [Read: 15 types of toxic relationships to watch out for]
8. Mysterious women drive you nuts
In a really good way. Just like some men love the chase, some men love the idea of getting a mysterious girl to open up to them. It’s like winning the lottery for them if they achieve it.
Women who are emotionally distant have mystery down pat. They don’t let a whole lot of their own emotions out because they’re in such chaos – meaning you’ll be questioning what they’re thinking.
If this sounds like something you go for, then maybe you like emotionally distant women.
9. Your friends always warn you about the girl
Now, this is a sign that we shouldn’t even have to put on here because if your friends are warning you that a girl is “crazy” or doesn’t seem like a good fit for you, you should just know.
However, if you only like emotionally distant women, you often hear your friends protesting your advances toward a girl like that. So listen up and if you hear some complaints.
10. You’re turned on by the idea of a girl just out of a relationship
Some men love women who have recently been dumped and are in need of some gluing back together.
This isn’t just because they’re brokenhearted, but because they like to prove that men are good and that not all of them will break their heart. The problem? It’s likely she’s not ready for a relationship. [Read: 15 reasons why the nice guys always finish last]
How to stop only liking emotionally distant women
Okay, so you’ve admitted you only like girls who are emotionally distant, now what? If you really want to get over your infatuation with this type of woman, you’ll need to follow these steps.
1. Realize it will never work
You might be turned on by the idea of her right now, but if you get close enough to her emotional instability you’ll find that there’s a lot more chaos there than you can handle.
Plus, if she’s not ready for a relationship and you are, well, that’s just a recipe for pain. [Read: How to know when a relationship isn’t working]
2. Get to know her better first
Instead of diving into dating a new girl exclusively, get to know her better. Spending time just talking with her can tell you a lot more than you would find out by just getting physical.
Ask her about her life, past, and present situation before deciding if she’s emotionally stable enough for you. [Read: Emotional maturity – clues to know if someone has it]
3. Realize the positives of an independent woman
You love being needed and being the person who fixes everything for a woman. But, have you ever thought about how much more an independent woman has to offer you?
Maybe you’ll be more turned on by what qualities an independent woman can bring to a relationship than what emotionally distant women can contribute. [Read: Dating an independent woman – 28 expectations and other must-knows]
How do you get emotionally unavailable women to fall for you?
Well, you get them to fall for you when you make them see you aren’t like other guys. They’ve been through enough in the past, unless their reason is just selfishness or being in love with someone else.
Building high walls is their best defense mechanism, so you need to understand where they’re coming from to get them to open up to you.
But in the end, if she’s not ready for a relationship, for whatever reason, perhaps your patience will run out and you’ll find it easier to move on to someone less closed off.
[Read: How to get to know a girl – 17 ways to win her heart]
Emotionally unavailable women may be your greatest dream or your worst nightmare. They’re distant, unattached, and won’t commit to you, no matter how hard you try.