Have a raging hard on that just won’t leave? Use these 10 unwanted erection reducers to fend off potential embarrassment—or worse, a harassment claim.
While a rock-solid hard on is visually appealing when it’s sexy time with your partner, pitching a tent down your trousers in normal, social situations could otherwise be awkward. Forget the stares and the looks of disgust; just imagine if you get approached by some random guy with a bulge, and tell me that you won’t break into a panic and dial 911.
Sadly, male physiology can sometimes be uncooperative. As our wealth of penis-related information on LovePanky will often tell you, the male penis has mind of its own. Your “little man” doesn’t care if you are currently presenting your report in a board meeting, standing inside a crowded elevator, posing for a wedding photo, or even on a date with your longtime crush. He will rise like Greece’s national debt whenever and wherever he wants to. All you can do is plead to the heavens and hope that no one will notice your “hardship.”
Luckily, there are several ways you can help calm the Hulk in your pants. And no, it does not involve masturbating.
First of all, why do these things happen?
While surprise boners can be pretty inconvenient, they are still a normal body function. As a matter of fact, having a lot of boners means that you are one healthy, young, reproductively-capable male. Easy erections mean that you have an adequate supply of the male hormone testosterone, which is also responsible for your morning wood. The next time you get that annoying hard-on, just think: you’re luckier than guys who can’t get it up during sex and need Viagra to be able to perform in bed. [Read: 8 stiff facts about morning erections you need to know about]
But to be specific, there are several other *and obvious* causes why you get random hard-ons, aside from your usual Testosterone surge. These include:
#1 Thinking arousing thoughts. Because there are moments where you can’t just forget what you and your partner did last night. Or porn.
#2 Seeing something or someone arousing. Some guys can control the rush of stimuli given by the girl wearing a hot dress at the next table, while some guys just can’t help it.
How to get rid of that annoying hard-on
The rule is: the further away you are from home, the more difficult it is. Having a hard-on in public view can be a challenge. Of course, hard-ons will subside at some point. But desperate situations call for desperate measures.
Calming the erection
#1 Think of something counter-erotic. If the culprit behind your boner is your own naughty imagination, time to backpedal a little bit to reverse your situation. Think of something that would really turn you off. It could be anything depressing or funny, like a naked old lady, dying puppies, or how you’re still single at 28. Once you’ve lost yourself in these thoughts, your boner will easily deflate.
#2 Cool off. Cold temperatures can be a pretty effective way to remove your unwanted boner. The science behind this is that cold temperatures contract your blood vessels, meaning less blood flow to trigger erection—ergo limp penis. You could take a shower, pat your boner down with wet wipes, or press a cold can of cola on your crotch. Just do this clandestinely, because getting caught rubbing a can of soda on your crotch can be more humiliating than getting your boner noticed.
#3 Walk it off. Walking with a boner can be difficult, but it can help you get rid of your unwanted friend, by both providing exercise, and distracting yourself. Pacing a little bit may also help calm your little man into submission. While you’re at it, do a little bit of item #1 and think of the time Mufasa died in the Lion King.
#4 Pinch and squeeze. The opposite of pleasure is pain, unless you’re into BDSM. Giving your genital area a little punishment in the form of a little squeeze and pinch will make it wither down helplessly. Of course, you need to do this in the comfort of a private room, unless you want to be accused of jerking off.
#5 Do mathematical computations in your head. This one is pretty effective—especially if you’re not into math. Doing mental math requires a great deal of focus and concentration, which takes your brain away from whatever is causing your erection. By the time you’ve remembered the 10th decimal place of pi, surely your penis will have calmed down. This is not advisable for theoretical physicists who get boners from seeing calculus equations, however.
Hiding the erection
There are instances when time is critical and you have little room to maneuver and calm your “Moby Dick.” The only solution is to hide it and hope that it won’t be noticed.
#6 Sit down and lean forward. Adopting this posture, which looks like taking a nap in the library, allows you to conceal your erection by angling your body relative to the length of your penis. There’s also a chance that your beer belly might help in hiding it from view.
#7 Cross your legs. Crossing your legs like a sir would definitely hide that bulge in your pants. Plus, the constricted position lessens the blood flow to your protruding part, making it easier and faster to calm down.
#8 Cover it up. This is very straightforward. Take your man purse, your jacket, a folder, a clipboard, a book, or your hat, and conceal your boner until the excitement subsides. You can be creative by pretending to fumble in your bag on your lap, read a book, or just type away on your laptop.
#9 Tuck it up. Tucking your penis up makes it less noticeable during a hard-on than letting it point downwards or sideways. This lessens the bulge in your crotch, which others could easily pass off as poorly-ironed trousers.
#10 Excuse yourself and seek sanctuary in the men’s room. A bad stomach, or that bladder you’ve been holding for the past hour is the most plausible excuse for you to run to the bathroom *less time for them to notice* and wait until your crotch bulge subsides.
Pointing anything such as a finger, a knife, a gun, or even your hard junk to anyone is universally threatening and offensive. That’s why men take precautions to prevent unwanted display of their fertility to unsuspecting individuals. Using these 10 tips, either calm it down, hide it, or *bonus tip* wear precautionary larger-sized pants.
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Paul Timothy Mangay
Paul aka Morty is a keyboard-pounding cubicle-dweller based in Manila where he occasionally moonlights as a writer for anyone in need of his mediocre word-strin...