Breaking up is a difficult experience. The pain and humiliation of one or both parties endures until circumstances allow it to diffuse. It can arrive slowly or suddenly. It all depends on how you handle the situation.
Why you want to call your ex
Most people who are fresh from a break-up go through the five stages of grief. These include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, respectively. Calling an ex after you’ve broken up embodies the first four.
Calling an ex means that you are DENYING the fact that what you had together is over and done with. Sometimes, the truth is hard to accept and that little bit of control you think you have over the situation might be clouding your judgment.
ANGER comes when you think that the situation is under your control, when in reality it’s not. You could be angry because you are not getting what you want. By calling your ex, you are sating your desire to do something about your need for reconciliation.
By deciding to call your ex, you inadvertently BARGAINED with yourself by promising that good things will come out of calling your ex. You could even bargain by promising that it will be the last call you will make.
DEPRESSION pushes people to do things that they would not normally do when they are in a happy state of mind. The loneliness you feel without your ex could be the reason why you want to call them.
When you address the facts, you will avoid making the unnecessary call. Remember, your ex is a person with his or her own feelings and free will. Your calling them will not immediately produce positive results. They have made their own decisions and are probably living their life happily without you. [Read: The step-by-step guide to survive the first 168 hours after your breakup]
Why you shouldn’t call your ex
When you and your ex broke up, was it a mutual agreement? Who broke up with whom? Why did you break up? How long ago did you break up? Did either of you see any other people since then? These are the questions that you need to ask yourself before you pick your phone up.
Break ups happen because one person or both decided that the relationship is no longer worth pursuing. It could be borne out of trust issues and conflicts of interests. Sometimes, the love just isn’t there anymore. In any case, a break up signals that the relationship is over. [Read: How to know if you’re not in love anymore]
Yes, you can rekindle a romance, but that does not mean that it will happen according to your plan. Just because you want to get back together does not mean that your ex wants to.
If you call them, you could be opening a wound that was healing since you two broke up. It could also cause unnecessary pain for both of you. This is especially true if your ex is not open to the idea of getting back together.
Old sins may not have been forgiven yet. One of you changed or neither of you did. Your ex met someone new. Your goals still don’t make room for one another. You are both better off without each other. There are many reasons why you should not get back together, but there are also many good reasons why you should not call just to entertain the idea. [Read: 16 signs your ex really wants you back in their life!]
How to stop yourself from calling your ex
There are several ways to refrain from calling your ex. Most of these don’t even involve your ex or the thought of your ex. By opening your mind to the thought of your ex, it will be much more difficult to resist the urge to call them.
You don’t have to think about the bad things that happened in your past relationship because that rarely helps. It just opens you up to more pain, which in turn convinces you that hearing your ex’s voice can make it all better.
There are many other alternatives you can use to resist the urge to call your ex. They can even help you become happier in the long run. [Read: Do you really think you have what it takes to stay friends with your ex?]
#1 Call a friend instead. Whenever you feel the urge to pick up the phone and press that speed-dial button that you never had the heart to change, dial your best friend’s number. If they’re not available, call someone who is.
Just talk to someone else. Ask them about their day. Tell them about yours. Think of that person as your sponsor and they’re helping you cope with your distress.
#2 List the reasons why calling your ex is a bad idea. Yes, it does make you think of your ex, however, you will be thinking of things that did not happen yet. Imagine yourself being forwarded to voice mail. Think about how you would feel if the call was rejected. Envision the awkwardness of the conversation in case neither of you has anything useful to say. Considering the disastrous results could very well help prevent you from calling your ex.
#3 List the reasons why not calling your ex can be good for you. This time, you won’t need to think about your ex. You can think about how you can productively spend your time instead. Aside from spending an hour considering the ramifications of the call you are about to make, make a list of things you always wanted to do but haven’t because of the inordinate amount of time you spend thinking about the past. [Read: 10 signs your past relationship is stopping you from having a better future]
#4 Meditate. After a breakup, it’s understandable that your ex’s face will pop up in your thoughts every five minutes. To counteract these unwanted thoughts, use meditation techniques that take you away from the present.
Sit in a quiet corner. Block out everything. Envision your happy place – not the one with your ex. If all else fails, picture a blank wall every time you think about your ex. It might not help immediately, but it will continue to produce positive results every time. Sooner or later, every reminder of your ex will become a reminder of something new.
#5 Go out with your friends and immerse yourself in the activity. Don’t be fooled by the general advice that going out with your friends can make you forget a bad breakup. The truth is, going out with your friends and actually taking the steps to have fun does.
Some people think that going to a new location can immediately help, but simple reminders like a similar shirt, the same scent your ex wears or a glass of soda can jumpstart a torrent of painful memories even while you’re out. Make sure that you are looking for happiness in what you are doing instead of trying to block out the present with distractions. [Read: 14 things to keep in mind when you accidentally bump into your ex]
#6 Delete everything. So, you memorized their number? Don’t worry. After a few weeks or months, you will completely forget it. It will seem familiar once it pops up on your phone, but you won’t be able to dial it from memory anymore. Delete them from Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and any other social media application you used to correspond in.
It’s not a permanent solution because there are obviously many other loopholes. The point of the activity is to proactively delete them out of your life. It’s symbolic, but it can still help by giving you the power to control what you can.
#7 Find something new to love. Note the word “something” – not “someone.” Find something that makes you happy. It can be a new hobby, an activity, an interest group or a place you’ve never been to. Just find something meaningful for you. Once you find something to love that does not ask for anything in return, you will finally learn to love yourself enough to not make the call that you will regret later on. [Read: 10 big reasons why you shouldn’t fall back in love with your ex again]
Resist the urge to call your ex
Moving on is hard enough as it is. Calling your ex will make it that much harder to go on with your life. Just because your relationship ended, it does not mean that there is no room for new beginnings in your life. The time will come when you will no longer feel the urge to call your ex.
But while you’re working on that, use these tips to help you move forward. Be proactive in taking charge of your emotions and learn to let go of that chapter in your life. Who knows? You could soon find the urge to dial the number of someone who is willing to answer your call!
[Read: 12 reasons why following the no contact rule is the best thing you can do for yourself]
Of course, it’s hard to resist the urge to call your ex, and it’s easier to look for excuses to call instead. But if you truly want to heal and recover, don’t procrastinate and put a stop to it today. You’ll thank yourself very soon!
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