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51 Secrets to Reconnect with Your Spouse & Improve Your Marriage ASAP

If your marriage has become stale, learning how to reconnect with your spouse could be the difference between a happy union and one heading to disaster.

how to reconnect with your spouse

It happens to many couples. After the wedding, you have the honeymoon phase. Everything is new and exciting. But once a few years go by, maybe you had kids, or work a lot, things tend to change. Your marriage goes from romance central to boredom highway, which is why you need to learn how to reconnect with your spouse.

In order to retain that spark and reconnect with your spouse, things need to change once again. Both, on your side and your partner’s. There isn’t a simple trick to bring things back, but with some empathy and effort, you’ll see that it is not as hard as you may think. As long as you are committed to reconnecting, all should go well.

[Read: One year itch – 25 tips to avoid marriage problems early on]

Why did you become disconnected in the first place?

A great way to start reconnecting with your spouse is to figure out what went awry in the first place. It likely wasn’t a fight or any sort of huge situation, but rather you got stuck in a rut.

Maybe you stopped going on dates. Perhaps you feel more like roommates. Or you just stopped listening to one another. All of these things are normal in a marriage. A drought of romance causes a disconnect. But put that back and you can reconnect. [Read: The 8 most common marital problems and ways to solve them]

Does it always solve the problem? Not always.

Perhaps something deeper is wrong and that needs to be addressed directly. For instance, if someone has cheated and you chose to stay together, maybe the problem hasn’t been fully resolved.

That’s just one example, but when there is a deeper issue at hand, focus upon that first, and then start learning how to reconnect with your spouse afterward.

But, the fact that you even realized that things are different from before is a good sign. Some people go years in this marriage limbo, stuck in a rut they can’t even see.

But realizing it and taking steps to reconnect with your spouse already says a lot. [Read: The 13 biggest secrets of a happy marriage that can make or break your romance]

How to reconnect with your spouse in the fastest ways possible

Avoid the ordinary. Do you have a date night once a month and go to the same restaurant and order the same food? There is nothing romantic about that. Do you only talk about your kids, work, and the bills? That makes you roommates, not life partners.

So in order to reconnect, create a balance of what first brought you together and who you are now.

1. Recreate your first dates

Whether you met at a bar, went to McDonald’s, or had a disaster date, something from that first date clicked. So recreate it as best as you can. Go to the same place, cook the same food, or even wear the same outfit.

This is a great start because it reminds you both of the days when you did have a connection. And the spark was just getting started. [Read: How to rekindle love – 25 ways to spark your romance and fall in love again]

2. Realize you are not the same

Do not expect the same moves and dates to work as well as they once did. Both of you are different people now. So although those moments and memories can remind you of what you lost, alter those moments to who you are now.

Maybe you took risks and went on crazy adventures, but now you have more responsibilities. So reign back the danger and focus on the excitement.

3. Work together toward a common goal

If you want to know how to reconnect with your spouse again, find something for you both to do together outside of the norm. Get away from the house and try something new. Take a cooking class, go to an escape room, or even teach each other something.

Working together on something fun is a wonderful way to reconnect and realize what made you such a great team in the first place. [Read: 19 relationship secrets to rekindle love that isn’t all about sex]

4. Talk and listen

Once you have been with someone for so long, you can go through life like a bit of a zombie. You may hear everything but don’t actually listen. So take the time.

Make sure you have breakfast together daily or carpool to work. Give yourself time to really talk and listen. Discuss your feelings, what you want, your plans, if you’re worried about something.

Communication isn’t just about sharing, but about listening and interacting. [Read: 30 naughty and sexy questions for couples to keep the spark alive]

5. Put in the effort

Once you are comfortable with someone, it makes everything easier. You do not need to feel nervous or dress up. But there is something about having butterflies in your stomach that gives you chemistry and passion.

Dress up, get a wax, style your hair, and put in that effort that you did in the beginning.

First dates may be full of anxiety, but the effort you put into a first date is exciting. So get excited. Prepare for a date with your spouse as you did at the start of your romance.

6. Get the family involved

Remember, things are different now, so reconnect with that in mind. You should have time alone, but involving your kids or families in your reconnection is just as important.

Take a family trip, plan a double date, or throw a barbecue and invite everyone over. This will get you back into a sense of normalcy while connecting in the midst of those you care about. [Read: 10 most romantic vacation ideas for troubled couples]

7. Be spontaneous

Once you’re married, planning fun and exciting things to do at the last minute takes a back seat or just disappears altogether. But being spontaneous gives you a chance to know how to reconnect with your spouse in new and unique ways.

You don’t have to book a flight or skydive, but plan a surprise date. You can plan the time and the day, but let your spouse take control of what you’re doing. Then next time you do the same. Trusting your spouse may seem like a given, but you may have lost that without even realizing it. [Read: Here is how to become more spontaneous in life]

8. Try counseling

Some would say, if all else fails, try counseling. But we say try counseling right off the bat. Why struggle when you can get the professional guidance to help right from the start? Counseling isn’t always for intense circumstances or divorce.

Talk to your spouse and tell them you do not want to lose your connection and the romance, but you don’t know how to start getting it back so you need a helping hand. [Read: Relationship counseling – 10 signs you need it to save your love]

9. Say “I love you”

The first time you say those three heavy words is so nerve-racking. But once you get used to hearing it, saying it doesn’t always feel necessary. You may think your spouse knows it, you are married after all, but that shouldn’t stop you from saying it.

When you send them off to work or they come home in the evening, say “I love you.” Those three words have as much power now as they once did. You just have to remember that. [Read: These simple long term relationship tips and advice will transform your love life]

10. Touch

Intimacy can be one of the first things to get lost in a marriage. In order to reconnect with your spouse, touch is necessary.

Whether a peck on the cheek in the morning, rubbing their shoulders after a long day, or cuddling while you watch a movie on the couch.

Small gestures like this bring you closer than you realize. Even just holding hands or putting your arm around them reignites that physical connection. [Read: 16 non-sexual touches to feel connected and loved]

How to reconnect and improve your marriage and make it feel like young love again

Now that you know the basic steps to reconnect and improve your marriage, here’s something you need to remember. Relationships are hard work, they really are.

Of course, when married there’s a legal commitment to each other which adds extra pressure. However, all relationships, whether bound by marriage or not, require constant work.

It’s normal for people to think that once married the hard work is over. But in reality, it’s just begun. Again, this doesn’t mean your marriage should feel like work.

When you’re trying to figure out how to improve your marriage, there are moments where you work harder than others, but that’s what happens when you go into a relationship.

It’s no longer just about you. Now you have another person to think and compromise with. It’s time to roll up those sleeves and get to work.

So if you want to reconnect and improve your relationship, and be a better partner, give these steps a try.

1. Make sure to fall asleep together

Going to bed together is extremely important. This is usually the time when you talk about your day or what you’ll be doing tomorrow.

This doesn’t mean you need to have sex. Of course, if you want to, then have sex. The point is, going to bed together makes you feel connected to your partner. [Read: What is pillow talk? How to use it and 14 cozy conversations in bed]

2. Go phone-free

Now, this doesn’t mean you need to ditch your phone altogether but spend some time of your day without your phone.

Watch a movie with your partner, cook dinner, cuddle, have sex. Whatever it is you want to do together, do it without your phones. This is your time with your partner, your time to spend however you wish without any distractions.

3. Be affectionate

People get lazy when married. They stop showing affection, stop doing the little things that create connection, and make the person feel loved.

If you want to know how to improve your marriage, start by making a more conscious effort in this department.

Kiss your partner good morning, hold their hand while walking, surprise them with ice cream or Chinese food. The little things matter. [Read: 19 secrets to rekindle your marriage and make love exciting again]

4. Communicate your emotions

Communicate how you feel to your partner. If they did something you didn’t like, tell them.

Don’t wait for a couple of weeks to go by because we all know what will happen. By then, you collected a list of things that bother you. You’re going to unleash them on your partner. This isn’t fair. If you have an issue talk it out immediately.

5. Say you’re sorry

This is a hard one for many people. But listen, if you f*cked up, you f*cked up. Just admit it, say you’re sorry, and move on.

No one wants to admit they’re wrong, but you’re a grown adult, so it’s time you grew up and took responsibility for your actions. Being right isn’t important, your relationship is what’s important. [Read: 28 heartfelt ways to say you’re sorry and apologize to your lover]

6. Have sex

You’ll be surprised at how sex solves a lot of issues in marriage. Many couples have their sex life drastically reduced after they get married.

Don’t wait for your partner to make a move. Take the initiative and surprise them with a quickie or a passionate kiss.

Sex is extremely therapeutic for couples, it’s something intimate and rebuilds the connection. [Read: How often do people have sex to maintain a healthy relationship?]

7. Know each other’s schedules

This may sound a bit hectic, but it’s important if you want to know how to improve your marriage and feel closer. You may not see the importance but bear with us. You and your partner need to stay on the same page.

Plus, if your partner doesn’t care what you do during your day, that’s a problem. You want them to be interested in your day and vice versa. It shows that you care about each other.

8. Communicate as partners

Not business partners. Remember, now with texting and emails, it’s easy to send a text to your partner which sounds more like a business request. You don’t want that.

Yes, communicate with your partner but do it in a loving way. Add a couple of cute emojis at the end or flirt with them. [Read: 20 sexy ways to flirt with your wife and make her feel desired again]

9. Add some spice

This doesn’t mean you change your hair or tie your arms to the bedposts—of course, you can. But you can also spice things up just by wearing a new piece of lingerie or sending them a naughty text/photo.

It’s normal for relationships to plateau when you’ve been together for a long period of time. This means you need to work to bring back the flame.

10. Make a date night

You and your partner need time to hang out together. Now, you can stay in and watch a new movie or try something out of the house.

Go to a play, try ice skating or a new restaurant. The point is, if you want to learn to improve your marriage, you need to do something that’s new for both you and your partner. These date nights will rekindle the connection.

11. Write about your fights

If you fight with your partner, write about it. This helps you gain perspective on what happened and helps you understand your partner.

You’ll see things that you couldn’t see in the heat of the moment. Keep this writing for yourself and use it for your own self-awareness and self-development.

12. Don’t talk it out right after a fight

This usually doesn’t make people feel better. Instead, it brings up the issue again and more often than not, makes it worse. You need a timeout and so does your partner.

Go for a walk, go to bed, watch a movie. Calm down and regain perspective. When you’re emotional, it’s usually not a good combination to solve the conflict. Take a time out and talk to them when you’re calm. [Read: 8 things to tell yourself when fighting with your lover]

13. It’s all about quality

You may think sex five times a day, kissing every two minutes, and holding each other at any free moment will help the relationship, but that’s not necessarily true.

It’s not about the quantity of intimacy, it’s about the quality. You have to genuinely feel like kissing or hugging your partner, then they’ll feel it. Kissing them just to make sure they know you love them isn’t enough.

14. Listen to each other

Listen – really listen – to each other. And that doesn’t mean staring at the TV or your phone while your spouse is speaking.

Look them in the eye. Paraphrase what they just told you so they know you were paying attention to them.

15. Learn how to work through conflicts

Every couple has fights. But how you work through your conflicts is key to knowing how to improve your marriage.

Don’t yell or name-call. Be calm and rational. Work as a team to solve problems together, not as enemies. [Read: How to stop fighting in a relationship and 16 steps to really talk]

16. Have empathy

Seeing your spouse’s point of view is crucial to having a good marriage. You don’t even have to agree with them, but try to put yourself in their shoes and see things from their perspective. They will feel heard, and they will appreciate you doing that.

17. Put each other’s needs first

Both spouses need to put their partner’s needs at least equal to – if not before – their own. You have to care about what your spouse desires.

You can’t be selfish. Well, you can, but that will definitely not improve your marriage. [Read: Am I the selfish one in the relationship? 19 signs you’ve become a user without realizing it]

18. Have real conversations

By conversations, we mean the kind you used to have when you first started dating. Stop talking about your finances, the kids, or what you’re having for dinner.

Talk about world events, your goals, dreams, and fantasies. Dig deep and talk to each other again.

19. Learn each other’s love languages

One of the biggest problems in marriage is that the two people have different love languages. One wants to hear “I love you” and the other might like receiving gifts.

So, research the five different love languages and learn how to speak love in your spouse’s language.

20. Do nice things for each other

Don’t always focus on yourself. Think about the nice things you can do for your spouse. It could be rubbing their shoulders after a hard day or doing the laundry so they don’t have to.

Regardless of what it is, you want to show your love by doing things for them.

21. Don’t avoid your problems

Some couples think that if they don’t fight, then everything will be okay. But just because you don’t fight doesn’t mean your marriage is healthy.

If you’re avoiding your problems, they won’t go away. You need to face them together or else they will pile up through the years. [Read: How to tell your partner you’re unhappy and 18 steps to not hurt them]

22. Spend time together

This means spending quality time together. It’s not enough just to sit next to each other in front of the TV and call that “spending time together.”

Go for a walk, to a restaurant, or on a weekend getaway. That way, you can really rediscover each other.

23. Buy each other surprise gifts

You don’t even have to spend a lot of money on this. It could be a single flower or a cookie. It doesn’t really matter what it is.

You could even make them something. The point is that it shows you are thinking of them and went out of your way to make them happy.

24. Say “I love you” 

Not everyone is good at expressing their love through words. But everyone likes to hear “I love you.” So, if you have gotten out of the habit of saying it, now is the time to start doing it again.

The more you say it, the more loved your spouse will feel. [Read: 25 love-filled ways to say “I appreciate you” without saying a word]

25. Re-examine your expectations

Are your expectations for your spouse’s behavior realistic? Maybe they are, but maybe they aren’t. If your expectations are too high, then rethink them. Your spouse isn’t superhuman. So, don’t expect them to be.

26. Focus on your spouse’s positives

When you’re not happy in your marriage, it’s easy to focus on what your spouse is doing wrong – or what you don’t like about them.

But instead of doing that, try to think about all the things that you do like. There has to be a lot or else you wouldn’t have married them, right?

27. Stop blaming and criticizing

When all you do is focus on your spouse’s flaws, you are probably also blaming and criticizing them for things.

No one likes to be criticized and belittled. It demeans you. So, if you’re doing that to your partner, you need to stop ASAP. [Read: How to stop being toxic – 19 steps to not be bitter or blame others]

28. Compliment your spouse

At the beginning of the relationship, you probably were full of compliments for your spouse. You thought they were hot, smart, and had a great personality.

Well, why did you stop complimenting them? If you want to know how to improve your marriage, you need to remember that everyone likes to hear nice things about themselves.

29. Show appreciation

Don’t take each other for granted. You need to say “thank you” to your spouse as often as you can when they do something good. Even if it’s just thanking them for making dinner or doing your laundry. You don’t want them to feel used and unappreciated.

30. Give more and expect less

You might be grumbling to yourself that your spouse doesn’t do enough. But maybe they are thinking the same thing about you.

So, you should both agree to do more for your partner and expect less from them. That way, you’ll both be happy. [Read: Are you a giver who feels unappreciated in your relationship?]

31. Share the chores

Many times, one of the spouses handles more of the household chores than the other. When that happens, resentment can build over time. So, make sure you have an equal partnership in this respect as much as possible.

32. Look your best

If you let yourself go, then do something about it. Get healthy and lose weight. Do it not just for your partner, but for yourself too.

You want them to be attracted to you, right? And you want to be attracted to them too. So, you both should try to look your best.

33. Be vulnerable

Having an emotional bond with your spouse is crucial if you want to improve your marriage. And in order to build that kind of bond, you both need to be vulnerable and share your feelings with each other. [Read: How to open up to people – 15 reasons and tips to be vulnerable]

34. See a therapist

Sometimes it’s really difficult for a couple to improve their marriage by themselves. They simply don’t have the skills to do it. So, there is no shame in seeking therapy from a trained professional. In fact, it shows strength.

35. Commit to working on it

If only one of you is committed to working on your marriage, then it won’t happen. Both people need to commit.

You can’t have a one-sided relationship, because it doesn’t work that way. So, if you want things to get better, you both need to be on the same page.

 [Read: 18 secrets to be happy in a marriage that can make or break your romance]

Learning how to improve your marriage will take some time and effort. Though, by applying some of these tips to your marriage, you’ll notice an immediate difference that will help you in the long run.

How to reconnect with your spouse sexually

Sometimes, it’s not the emotional connection you lose first, but the physical one. But, once that’s gone, the emotion starts to dwindle a little too. Sex is such a huge part of a marriage; it’s something we don’t place enough importance upon. While it’s not the be-all and end-all, it’s a way to bond, connect, and stay close.

So, if your sex life has become a little dull and you want to learn how to reconnect with your spouse sexually, here are a few tips. [Read: How to spice up your sex life in 30 sexy ways]

1. Make time for sex

One of the main problems is that life just gets in the way and sex ends up being pushed down the priority list. Instead, make sex a priority and make time for it. That doesn’t mean scheduling it into your diary, but not automatically pushing it away just because you have chores to do.

2. Tell your partner that you find them attractive

Okay, so don’t actually say it like that, but start complimenting them physically once more. It’s possible that you stopped doing it, and they stopped doing it to you.

Learning how to reconnect with your spouse sexually is about reigniting the fire. Everyone loves to be complimented and it will make them feel sexy. [Read: 12 real signs you’re feeling a loss of sexual attraction for your partner]

3. Talk about your desires

It’s not always easy to talk about what you want to try in bed or your fantasies, but this is your spouse. It’s not some random person you’ve never met!

Talk about the things you find sexy and what you’d like to try. Don’t be shy! Then, figure out which ones you’re going to try first. [Read: Top 50 kinky sex ideas worth trying at least once in your lifetime]

4. Surprise your partner

The problem with being together for a long time is that you forget to surprise each other. Spontaneity goes out of the window.

So, turn that situation around and surprise your partner when they least expect it. Go and join them in the shower, or greet them at the door wearing nothing but a coat.

Spontaneous sex is daring, fun, and might just be enough to get that connection restarted. [Read: Spontaneous sex – 15 reasons you need it and how to do it right]

5. Mix up your routine

Maybe it’s not that you’ve stopped having sex, it’s just that it’s boring. In that case, are you doing the same things, in the same order, every time. It’s a common problem. So, the easy option here is to mix things up a little.

Do some research into new sex positions, try sex outside of the bedroom, and whisper a few dirty words in your partner’s ear. You’ll be amazed at how much of a difference simply mixing things up can make. [Read: Learn to spice up your sex life with 30 super-sexy ways]

6. Try sexting

Many people struggle with dirty talk, but sexting is often a little easier.

When you send a dirty message to your spouse, you get time to create it, read it, and feel comfortable with it before you press ‘send’. It’ll get their engine revving and we all know what will happen when you both get home at the end of the day! [Read: How to sext – 16 flirty steps to text dirty, sexy and naughty in no time]

How to reconnect with your spouse after an affair

Another very common issue is a disconnect after one partner has strayed. Sure, you’ve been through the whole process of talking things through, healing, and you’ve decided to stay together, but the disconnect is obvious.

Firstly, understand that it’s normal to feel this way. Your partner is probably still struggling with the fact that you betrayed them. It doesn’t matter whether it was a one-night stand or a longer affair, the wounds will still be raw for a long time afterward.

But, that doesn’t mean you should be made to pay for it for the rest of your relationship. If your partner has committed to moving forward and overcoming the affair, it should be left in the past.

Being understanding, communicating, and not bringing up the affair in fights are all ways to start rebuilding your connection.

However, learning how to reconnect with your spouse after an affair can sometimes require professional help.

Couple’s therapy is a great way to work through the issues, emotions, and hurt, and look forward to the future with a fresh page ahead. [Read: What is cheating in a relationship? The truth most people ignore]

How to reconnect with your spouse after a baby

The birth of a baby is a joyous event. You’re both totally head over heels in love with the new addition to your family and you can’t believe how happy you are. But, something isn’t quite right.

There’s a slight disconnect ever since the baby was born, or perhaps even during the pregnancy. Again, this is very normal.

Whether it’s your first baby or not, this is such a huge event in your lives. It’s bound to change things, especially the dynamic between you as a couple. Sleepless nights, crying fits, money worries, these are all things that happen naturally when a new baby arrives.

But learning how to reconnect with your spouse after a baby simply means being understanding of the reason why this disconnect has happened.

Talk to one another. Appreciate that you’re both going through a major change, but commit to doing it together. Work as a team and understand that the odd snap doesn’t mean a fight.

Communicate and make time for one another whenever you can. Eventually, the storm of a newborn arriving in your life will calm down and your relationship will even itself out once more. [Read: How to revive your romantic and sex life after a baby is born]

Disconnects are normal, and can be overcome

Whatever the reason for your disconnect, you can overcome it with time, patience, and communication.

Remember to address the root cause, if there is one, and focus upon one another. Your relationship will survive as long as you both put in the effort to reignite the flame you once had.

[Read: How to improve your marriage – Start here and see results tonight!]

Knowing how to reconnect with your spouse is complicated. Every marriage is different. But taking these steps will guide you in the right direction toward the romance and passion you lost.

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Vinod Srinivas Serai
Vin Serai
Vin Serai is the founder of LovePanky.com, and has delved deep into the working of love and relationships for almost two decades. Having dipped his feet in almo...