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Am I Falling Out of Love or Am I Just in a Rut in Life?

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been with someone, things can sometimes change. If you’re asking yourself am I falling out of love, you need to reflect. 

am i falling out of love

Are you asking yourself, am I falling out of love? Sadly, it happens. Whether it happens over time or because you’re trying to get over someone, it can be confused with a lot of other feelings.

You can think you’re falling out of love when in fact you’re in a rut or just busy.

We hear so much about falling in love, but you rarely hear about falling out of love. Why? Relationships end all the time. This is just as common, but so rarely discussed. Sure, it isn’t as magical or exciting as falling in love, in fact, it’s quite painful, but it is important to know about. [Read: 15 signs that say it’s time to break up and say goodbye]

What is falling out of love?

Falling out of love can mean a lot of things. You can fall in and out of love daily. There are some days you may be angry with your partner and can’t even find the slightest bit of love within you. But by the next day, that could be back. It’s just a quick response to heightened emotions and doesn’t actually mean that you don’t love them.

You may feel like you’re falling out of love because you’re in a bad space. Maybe you’re overwhelmed with work or kids and don’t have time to focus on love. That could make you feel like it isn’t there. In truth, it is, you’re just distracted and need to reconnect with your partner.

You can also fall out of romantic love while still carrying love for someone. You can stop loving someone in the intimate way you once did but still love them as a friend, a co-parent, or someone from your past. Basically you love them but you’re not IN love with them. [Read: The real facts about relationships and love no one talks about]

Falling out of love doesn’t mean you simply lose all feelings for someone. When you’ve shared moments and memories together, it is difficult to truly lose all the love you have for them. 

This is why falling out of love usually happens gradually. You slowly lose the feelings you once had. It can take weeks, months, or even years before you realize it. 

You can also fall out of love due to a moment. This is less common but certainly happens. If you find out your partner cheated or did something to betray you, you may feel a loss of love instantly. Of course, dealing with that takes time, but those feelings can hit you suddenly in unique circumstances. [Read: 12 real reasons why couples drift apart over time]

Am I falling out of love?

It can be hard to know for sure if you’re falling out of love. Sometimes outside circumstances test a relationship’s limits. These things can make you feel like you’re falling out of love.

Everything from work stress to money and more can make you feel lost in a relationship. Think about all the couples that went from spending nights and weekends together to 24/7 during the pandemic. It was a huge adjustment.

Spending that much time together can cause a lot of tension. This is something that could drive some couples to fall out of love while challenging others to grow stronger. [Read: How to face relationship challenges and overcome them as a couple]

Things like the pandemic, long-distance relationships, and other struggles can lead to falling out of love, but they can also be temporary setbacks that can be overcome. That’s why it’s very important to spend time really thinking about your feelings and where they have come from. Don’t just suddenly decide that you’re no longer in love with your partner and end things. You need to explore and think carefully.

It is a matter of your desire to keep trying to hold onto your love. If you and your partner want to make it work and it isn’t too far gone, it can. But, how do you know the difference between a rut and actually falling out of love? [Read: 12 clearest signs you’re starting to fall out of love]

1. It is an outside force?

An outside force that makes you feel like you could answer yes to, am I falling out of love, could be a frustrating mother-in-law, a stressful job, or issues with money. These things can arise without any input from either of you. They can also overwhelm you as a couple and take your attention away from focusing on the relationship.

That said, these things may be temporary. Is your mother-in-law staying with you to recover from surgery for a few weeks? Is your partner up for a promotion? If these things are temporary, you can find ways to work through them. But if they aren’t, it could be a sign things aren’t working out. 

Is your partner spending a lot of time at work because they’re avoiding you? Do you feel like you’re falling out of love because of your partner and your relationship or something else? You really need to pinpoint the reason and work out whether it’s transient or permanent. [Read: 16 practical tips for how to save your relationship]

2. Are you bored?

In most long-term relationships the excitement fizzles out and security and safety take over. But that doesn’t mean all the passion is lost. If you feel like you are more like roommates than a couple, it could simply be a rut rather than the end. 

You may not be falling out of love, just falling out of the excitement that began the relationship. This doesn’t mean things are doomed, just that they need to change. [Read: 15 common reasons why you’re getting bored with your relationship]

3. Do you think about them when you’re apart?

When you first start dating someone, you tend to wonder what they’re doing when you’re not together. As you develop your bond, you think of them while you’re at the store and wonder what they’d like. You send them funny memes.

But when you don’t miss them when you’re apart and find that your mind never wanders to them or how they’re doing, it could be a sign you’re falling out of love. Sure, sometimes you’re busy and don’t need to be together all the time, but this is different. [Read: How to recognize the signs a relationship is over and move on]

4. Have you lost intimacy?

Intimacy is very important in relationships. Not just sex, but cuddling, kissing, and gentle touches are just as important. It is one thing to go through a rut where you don’t have sex for a while, but if you’ve lost intimacy, that is a step toward falling out of love.

You can come back from this with a lot of open communication, but it can be a sign that things aren’t going in the right direction. If you don’t touch when watching TV, if you don’t hold hands or kiss goodbye in the morning, there is something off. [Read: How to fix a relationship that’s falling apart and rebuild it again]

5. Are you unsure about what you want?

Look at your future to answer, am I falling out of love. If you no longer picture them in your life one year, two years, or five years from now, you could be falling out of love with them. This shows that you aren’t calculating them into your plans. 

If you are thinking about traveling for the next five years and they want to settle down in a house with kids, you may be drifting apart due to a desire for different things. [Read: 8 problems that will make your relationship stronger]

6. Do you trust them?

Trust and love go hand in hand. Yes, you can have one without the other. But when one lessens, the other cracks. If you have lost trust in your partner, your love is going to weaken. 

If you really don’t trust them, ask yourself why. Is it something they’ve done or is it baggage you’re carrying from a previous relationship? If you need to work on something, do it. But, if after that you still feel the same, you’ve lost trust and that’s the sign of something more serious in your relationship. [Read: How to build trust in a relationship and make it last]

7. Do you feel love from them?

If you don’t feel love from your partner, your love for them will dwindle. You could be falling out of love if you aren’t feeling like they love you. When one side of a relationship is losing love, the other will eventually catch up. For instance, if you’re doing all the giving and they’re just taking, eventually you’re going to start feeling taken for granted. Then, you’ll start to resent your partner. That’s a slippery slope. [Read: What is one-sided love? How to cope when you’re not loved back]

8. Are you in pain?

Whether your partner is causing you pain or your feelings for them are causing you pain, you can only sustain so much. When you are struggling with your emotions, whether they be sadness or anger, it can be hard to continue loving someone through that. 

If your relationship is filled with pain, the loss of love likely isn’t far behind. In the end, you’ll realize that peace is far more important than constantly feeling emotional agony. [Read: Why does love hurt when it goes bad? The truth you need to hear]

What should you do next?

If you really think that you might be falling out of love, you have a decision to make. Are you going to try and fight for it, or are you going to call it quits? It’s certainly worthwhile trying to fix things if you can. That way, you can be sure that it wasn’t just a rut when you look back in a few years’ time. There’s nothing worse than regret.

Maybe take a break for a short while. Remember to talk to your partner and be honest about how you’re feeling, otherwise, they could be very confused about why you want to spend a little time apart. For many couples, having a little clarity is all it takes to right things and to start making effort in the right places again.

However, if nothing changes after taking a break and talking about things honestly, perhaps the love really has gone and it’s time to bid them goodbye.

[Read: Falling out of love and understanding why it happens]

Am I falling out of love? It is a question no one wants to ask because the answer will likely determine the rest of your relationship. But avoiding it will only cause more harm.

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Samantha Ann
My name is Samantha Ann. I am 28 years old. It was always my dream to become an advice columnist, so after years of off and online dating and eventually finding...