You’re thinking about one person, but committed to another? It can be a sticky spot to be in when you think of someone else, so here’s what to do about it.
Thinking of someone else isn’t cheating! It’s either the point before you decide to cheat, or the point in which you simply question your relationship, but know not to cheat. If both explanations sound bad, it’s because they aren’t the best of situations to be in.
Stuck between two people that clearly hold your attention for very different reasons. One person might be the one you’ve been dating for years, while the other might be someone you met recently and gave you something you miss in your relationship.
#1 Reflect on your relationship honestly. Are you happy, or could you afford to change a few serious things? Speaking bluntly, and without trying to offend anyone, if you think about someone else while in a relationship, it means something isn’t very right. You don’t have to panic if it’s just a passing thought, but if it’s someone you can’t stop obsessing about, you need to actually ask yourself why this is happening.
#2 Reflect on this other person. What made you start thinking about them? What did you notice that made you think? In keeping with step one, this person did something that drew your attention. Figure out what that might be.
Did they make you laugh, or understand something that took you by surprise? Did they give you something meaningful, or show you that you have a lot in common? Were they paying attention to you, which made you feel flattered? Was it something shallow like their appearance? Dig deep and ask yourself why you’re falling for them.
#3 Put two and two together: does the intruder plug the holes found in your relationship? Well, do things make a little more sense now? If your partner is being mean lately, as in they just can’t stop arguing and picking fights with you, but this other person is nothing but sweet to you, then you have yourself a case of using someone else to fulfill your needs.
You fell for this other person, legitimately, because your partner pushed you away and you let yourself get swept away by someone else. Or you’re simply using this unsuspecting person, but you don’t love them. Often times, people still love their partner, they just find someone else that gives them what they’re thirsty for. That feeling of butterflies may be nothing more than you using someone for your own selfish needs.
#4 Think hypothetically: if there weren’t major issues in your relationship, would this other person even be relevant? Something that helps with this is thinking back to a time when you and your partner were happy, but not in the honeymoon phase anymore, because let’s face it, the honeymoon phase is when you’re wearing blind goggles. Surely, there was a time after that when you both felt happy together and fulfilled. If you had that again, would you even be thinking of this other person?
#5 Think realistically: who do you speak to the most, and who do you want to speak to them most? Who do you miss, or spend more time with, and why? You know that urge you get when you really want to talk to someone, and no matter what you do to try and stop yourself, deep down you know you’re just delaying it? Well, who gives you that feeling?
There’s one person that does this to you, not both. If it is both, then it’s a different feeling, but not the one described here. This is the person you need to speak to every single day, the one you get anxious over, the one that you want to spend time with the most. The one who makes you feel complete, even if you have moments of sadness with them. [Read: What you need to do when you like someone but you’re already in a relationship]
#6 Now that you’ve got all the details in order, pick one person. At this point, it’s become clear you favor one person more than the other and that you love someone, and hopefully not the other. If somehow you’re unlucky and love both, then you surely love them for different reasons. Who feels more real, less selfish, more long-term? Who feels more like it’s just a reflection of what you’re missing and craving?
This may take time, picking one person, but it also might be easy after the previous steps. Every case is a different story, but what remains true in every situation, you are the third choice. Meaning if you feel torn and like you absolutely can’t pick, just be alone. If it sounds odd, think of it like this: do you want a love that isn’t strong enough to stand on its own, or do you want to be alone until you find a love that doesn’t let itself be shared with anyone else? [Read: In love with two people? How to make up your mind]
#7 Come clean to your partner. Something along the lines of “I just wanted to say that Bob/Jill really made me… reflect on our relationship. They’re so nice to me, and never yell out of impatience, and it made me… really want to work on things with you. I don’t want to have a better dynamic with someone else, I want to make us healthier,” works if you’re going to stay with your partner.
If you plan to leave, there really is no good way of saying things. Still, it’s best to start with the good times and work your way through a relatively brief explanation on what changed and where you’re at now, ending with the recent events.
#8 Take a break for a few days, not to do anything stupid, but let the dust settle and think of solutions. Simply talk it out then and there, if the timing is right. The timing is right if your partner takes it well, and realizes you mean it when you say you don’t have real feelings for the other person. Clearly, they know they have neglected points in your relationship and you simply saw them in someone else. That’s the extent of the situation.
It’s not the right timing if they didn’t react well, and they’re clearly distraught over the revelation. Just emphasize your feelings for them, explain you want to be with them, not anyone else, and that you will wait to talk until they’re ready. [Read: Love triangles and the confusing complications they cause]
#9 If you decide to move on with the other person, break things off in the best way you possibly can, and don’t judge, blame, or berate your ex. They will be angry, and frankly, they have a right to be. Take the heat. There’s nothing you could do or say to redeem yourself or make the pain more bearable for your ex.
There’s not much more to say about this step other than it’s not going to be pretty. It is one of those things that really… shouldn’t be pretty. Admit your fault, explain you didn’t cheat, and that you have no words to defend yourself. [Read: How to break up with someone you love]
#10 Don’t feel terrible, you did what was right either way. You never cheated. Lastly, after you’ve made peace with the situation, and your partner, you have to make peace with yourself. Sometimes, people push you out of love with their actions, after years of things like lies, abuse, sexual neglect, cheating, etc.
Other times, people simply grow apart. It’s also possible to love two people, for different reasons, but that just means you love aspects of the two, and not one person as a whole, so it’s best to stay alone.
Thinking of someone else while in a relationship is one of those things that happens in most relationships at least once. If you love your partner, don’t be mortified, be motivated to change and take this as a warning. If you no longer love your partner, and move on with the other person, make peace with yourself and your ex.
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Jennifer is a writer, director, consultant and author, with a passion for all things literary. While she works on a variety of projects at a time, her one true ...