When we are in a relationship, we expect to be loved and cherished. But many times, emotional neglect is something that can ruin a partnership.
A truly loving relationship is mutually beneficial. You want to build up your partner to make them feel good and support them to be the best they can be. You do so because you love them. It makes you feel good to see them doing well. However, not all relationships are like that, making the recognition of the signs of emotional neglect in a relationship essential. Because sometimes relationships turn toxic.
What is emotional neglect in a relationship?
Very simply, emotional neglect is when a person is deprived of the basic expectations and needs from the relationship. If you feel like someone you love is hurting you emotionally by not giving you love, that is when you feel emotionally neglected by them.
This could happen to a child who is deprived of their emotional needs by the parent, a romantic partner who is emotionally ignored by their partner, and also, between friends when one friend feels used and taken for granted by the other.
What makes someone emotionally neglect you?
When it comes to romantic relationships, this can be down to one partner lacking empathy, not being particularly interested, or simply having narcissistic tendencies that aren’t so obvious, or it can be because events within a relationship have caused it to completely break down.
Whatever the reason, an unhealthy relationship with emotional neglect can run you into the ground, zap away your self-esteem, and cause you to feel completely alone.
To understand how to heal from emotional neglect in a relationship, we need to learn to recognize the signs of neglect, and take a deeper look at the causes. We’ll do all of that here AND look into the consequences and what you can do to nip emotional neglect in the bud.
[Read: Are you feeling neglected in a relationship? Why it hurts and how to get over it]
So first, what causes emotional neglect?
The causes of emotional neglect in a relationship
The specific causes of emotional neglect vary from relationship to relationship. However, the underlying theme tends to be a shift in the support one partner gives to the other.
The cause could be anything from a new job, having a baby, or an affair.
The causes could even be deeper than these issues. It could be because of an individual’s own attachment problems. If someone never learned how to have a healthy, supportive, loving relationship in their childhood, then they will struggle to be emotionally available in their own romantic relationships.
Just because someone is emotionally neglectful in their relationship doesn’t mean that they can’t change with enough guidance and effort. It might even be difficult, but they can learn new skills, especially with the help of a trained professional.
Now let’s take a look at some common signs of emotional neglect. [Read: The raw psychological effects of being ignored by someone you love]
Am I being emotionally neglected? The subtle signs of emotional neglect in a relationship
Emotional neglect is just as damaging as physical abuse. They are both things that should never be present in a relationship. Sadly, many people find themselves in this very situation.
Sometimes the neglect is so carefully disguised that you can go for months or even years without realizing that you’re being subjected to emotional abuse or neglect. For that reason, understanding the signs of emotional neglect in a relationship is key.
1. Regular bouts of gaslighting
This one isn’t so easy to spot straight away, mostly because gaslighting is extremely subtle. It’s a form of manipulation that narcissists regularly use. Unfortunately, it’s all too common too. Gaslighting means that you cause someone to doubt themselves, sometimes to the point where they doubt their own sanity. [Read: How to spot gaslighting in a relationship and learn how to shut it down for good]
For instance, your partner might arrange to meet you after work at your favorite restaurant at the end of a busy working week. You get excited, wait outside the restaurant as planned, only for them not to turn up.
When you call to ask them where they are, they deny any knowledge of arranging the meeting. They make you question whether it actually happened or not.
Over time, gaslighting is extremely dangerous and certainly one of the signs of emotional neglect in a relationship to be aware of.
2. Saying one thing and doing another
Inconsistency is not attractive. Sometimes, it’s carefully hidden and erodes away at your happiness in a relationship.
If your partner is regularly saying they’re going to do one thing, but then they do the exact opposite, it’s not only frustrating, but it’s a sign of disrespect and emotional neglect too.
If someone cares about you, they will do as they say. Sure, we all make mistakes occasionally. If it’s a regular thing, it’s something to view as a red flag. [Read: The scary signs you’re in a toxic relationship that is breaking you]
3. Simply not listening to what you say
If your partner often cuts you off mid-sentence, changes the subject, or doesn’t listen to you at all, they don’t respect you. Everyone is allowed a voice.
Everyone deserves to be listened to. If your partner is constantly cutting you off and just not listening, it’s one of the major signs of emotional neglect in a relationship.
4. Often putting you down
This sign can either be in private or in front of others. The damage is the same either way. In a healthy relationship, you want to build up your partner and make them feel good.
You see the best in them. If your partner is always pointing out your negative traits or pulling you down, it’s not a sign of a healthy relationship. [Read: All the ways manipulative people emotionally mess with your mind]
5. Blaming you for every little thing
If you often find that whatever goes on in life is always your fault, the chances of that being true are slim. You are not to blame for everything. Sure, we all do things occasionally and it’s our fault when the outcome is negative.
But if your partner is making you feel like you’re to blame for everything, that’s a huge red flag. Healthy relationships create a sense of safety. Even if you do make a mistake, you work through it together. [Read: 34 big relationship red flags that most people ignore early on]
6. They make you feel like you’re worthless
This is one of the major signs of emotional neglect in a relationship. And it is certainly one of the side effects of gaslighting.
Narcissists often make their partners feel like they’re worth nothing so that they stick around and don’t attempt to leave for someone else.
It’s abuse, plain and simple. You’re not worthless. No loving partner should ever make you feel that way. [Read: Why and how a narcissist so subtly can control you]
7. Never sitting down to talk
Not everyone likes deep and heavy conversations. Nevertheless, sometimes you have to talk about things in some way.
If your partner simply refuses to acknowledge a problem in the relationship, never wants to sit and talk about important things, and always brushes it off as not important, it’s a sign of emotional abuse over the long term.
When you neglect your partner, you fail to give them what they need from you. If you need to discuss something and your partner flatly refuses, they’re neglecting your emotional needs.
8. Not being there for you when you really need them
Everyone struggles sometimes. If you just need a hug from your partner and they’re never there for you, they’re neglecting your basic needs. In a relationship, it’s important to be each other’s biggest fans.
It also means being there when someone is having a bad day or struggling with a particular issue. [Read: Am I being taken for granted? 16 discreet signs to watch out]
9. Never meeting your eyes
You might think that eye contact is nothing special, but when your partner never looks you directly in the eye, they’re basically showing you that you’re insignificant to them.
It’s also a sign that they’re hiding something. It does nothing but makes you feel worried and potentially paranoid. That’s not a good state to be in.
10. They make everything about them
We can all be selfish or self-absorbed occasionally, but if everything is always your partner’s needs, they’re failing to meet yours. Everything should be equal.
While it’s normal for the balance to tip slightly if your partner is going through a rough time, it should never be over a prolonged period of time. [Read: Selfishness in relationships and 15 ways to do the right thing]
11. Giving you the cold shoulder
If you say or do something which your partner doesn’t like, do they give you the cold shoulder or come over all passive-aggressive?
This is a common thing to occur in abusive relationships. It neglects your emotional needs because they’re not opening up and talking to you. A supportive partner will communicate when they’re not happy about something, in a way that is constructive and non-blaming.
12. They don’t make an effort with your nearest and dearest
We all want our partners to get along with our friends and family members. Even if your partner isn’t the greatest fan of someone in your inner circle, they should make an effort and not allow it to show.
If your partner doesn’t even try, they simply don’t care. This is one of the signs of emotional neglect in a relationship over time. [Read: 20 signs you’re a people pleaser and don’t even know it!]
13. You regularly feel alone, even when they’re next to you
This is a huge red flag. Someone who isn’t having their emotional needs met will always feel lonely, even if the person they love is next to them. If you never feel loved and supported, it’s time to question the relationship. [Read: 28 truths about feeling alone in a relationship and how to fix it ASAP]
The consequences of emotional neglect in a relationship
Being emotionally neglected by your partner can have some negative consequences for the person who’s being neglected. Let’s take a look at some of them.
1. Being overwhelmed and discouraged
When you are emotionally neglected in a relationship, you are probably trying to resist it by putting more effort into the relationship.
However, when your efforts aren’t met with the same effort from your partner, it causes you to be overwhelmed with trying to fix it. And when no changes happen, it can lead to a feeling of discouragement. [Read: Feeling hopeless – How to stop feeling overwhelmed and see hope again]
2. Depression
If a person has been emotionally neglected for a long time, then it can lead to depression. Whether it’s situational depression or the clinical type, it should be dealt with. Being neglected and depressed at the same time is a toxic combination.
3. Low self-esteem
When you are being ignored by the person you love, it’s not surprising that it would lead to low self-esteem. You might have thoughts like, “What’s wrong with me?” or “What am I doing wrong?” or “I am not worthy of their love.”
4. Perfectionism
In the person’s mind, they might think that if they were a better person, then they wouldn’t be emotionally neglected by their partner. So, this could lead to perfectionism.
They think if they can just be perfect, then their significant other would pay more attention to them. [Read: How to love yourself – the 23 best ways to find love and happiness]
5. Feeling numb
When you are emotionally neglected, you might just feel numb. You might cut yourself off from your own emotions so you don’t feel the pain of abandonment.
6. Blaming yourself
If you are also being mentally abused, you might start to think that it’s all your fault. Similar to being a perfectionist, you think that if you were better or did things differently, then you would have a loving relationship. You take all the responsibility and the blame as well.
How to deal with emotional neglect in a relationship
If you think you are being emotionally neglected, what can you do about it? There are steps you can take because living in a relationship where there is no affection or intimacy can be toxic to your life.
1. Don’t be a victim
We know you feel like a victim. However, while your partner’s behavior is hurtful to you, it’s important that you don’t play the “victim card.”
If you do, you’ll most likely be accusatory and tell your partner everything they are doing wrong. [Read: Playing victim – 13 signs and reasons why it makes your life way worse]
It is important to talk to your partner, but try not to make them defensive because then you won’t be able to work through it. You can have an initial conversation about your hurt feelings, but after that, just try to focus on solutions instead of blaming so you can have a healthy relationship.
2. Be proactive
As the saying goes, “it takes two to tango.” And while your partner is probably the one most at fault, you shouldn’t just sit back and do nothing.
Sometimes people don’t see their own behavior. So, if your partner doesn’t see that their behavior is neglectful and hurtful to you, it’s up to you to help them see their flaws and help them correct themselves.
3. Try to spend quality time together
After having a conversation to tell them how you feel, then you can suggest spending more quality time together.
Tell them that you both need to get away from the stress of life and take some time to rediscover each other. Go on date nights or even take a trip if you can. This will allow you to reconnect. [Read: How to emotionally connect with someone – 21 steps to feel instantly closer]
4. Seek professional help
A lot of people simply don’t have the skills it takes to fix their own relationship. So, that’s why seeing help from a counselor or psychologist is very helpful.
This is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength. So, if your partner agrees to this, we definitely recommend going this route.
5. Be patient
Remember that change does not happen overnight. People are creatures of habit, so getting your partner to realize that they are being emotionally neglectful to you might not be easy.
And even when they do admit it, practicing the skills it will take to change will take time. So, just be patient with them and hope for the best.
[Read: How to know the signs you’re overly dependent on someone else for your happiness]
How many of these signs of emotional neglect in a relationship can you spot? Now that you know the consequences and the best ways to deal with neglect, never stay in a relationship that causes you to feel alone and doesn’t make you feel supported.
