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Oneitis: The Unhealthy Effects of Falling Madly in Obsessive Love

The world is full of wonderful, unique people. Why focus chasing just one? Avoid a heartbreaking oneitis situation and enjoy the fun of dating instead. 

Oneitis

Think back to your school days when you were asked to read “Romeo & Juliet”. Remember the line “oh Romeo, oh Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?” Juliet had it bad and nobody else would do. Oneitis is used to describe someone who, like Juliet, is head over heels in obsession with someone else. It’s life or death. A hypnosis of the mind. There’s absolutely no one who could possibly be more ideal than this one person in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD.

When you read that, it sounds crazy, right? Why would you become so obsessed with one person when there is a world of other people out there? The thing is, it’s easier than you think to fall into a oneitis situation and very hard to get out of it too. [Read: 14 Signs of obsessive love you can’t ignore]

Let’s define oneitis

When you’re in it, that person is your everything, and god forbid if you lost them. When you’re with them, you’ve won the lottery. What the two of you have is unlike anything seen in the cosmos. Or, they’re your dream partner and you just know you’re meant to be together. If only they also felt the same.

Sorry to rain on your parade of Disney emotions, but Doctor Dex is here to diagnose whether you have the oneitis disease. And, to prognosticate on your chances of surviving it if you do. It’s time to get real. [Read: Obsessive love: 15 ways to tell if it’s real or just unhealthy]

Oneitis is a term that became popular in the seduction community and the manosphere in particular. ‘Itis’ is actually a medical suffix used to let you know a word describes an inflammatory disease or infection. So ONEitis therefore means a disease of the only-one-person-out-there-for-me type of thinking. You’re infected and you need a different kind of Penicillin – stat.

Why is oneitis a dangerous condition?

When you contract a belief in ‘one person for me and I hope I find them’ you exclude the gazillions of other possible love options available to you. You also potentially become over-fussy, never able to settle with one person. [Read: How to stop obsessing over someone: The 12 things you must do]

Furthermore, if you get with your dream fantasy partner, you’ll have a crippling sense that if they ever left you’d be helpless. They have all the power because it’s a win-lose scenario. If they leave you lose. If they stay you win. The thing is, so many things can happen during the course of a relationship and you have to roll with it, not feel so terrified it’s going to end that you’ll do anything to keep them. Can’t you see? It’s just not healthy!

Oneitis is quite similar to the infatuation phase of a new romance. Think Bella and Edward in the Twilight movie/book series. Your relationship becomes this thing that is more important than everything and anything IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD. Literally the entire world. [Read: How to play it cool with a girl & impress her by keeping your calm]

Signs and symptoms of oneitis

Oneitis means different things depending on whether you’re feminine or masculine and whether you’re a guy or a girl. I’ll explain this in the prognosis section. With that said, let’s diagnose whether you have the disease and give you an idea of your outlook.

1. You’re a forlorn poet or an amateur songwriter

It’s hard for me to remember what it was like to be in oneitis because nowadays I see it as so lame. But when I was deep in the disease, like Romeo, I had this urge to capture the unique incomparable beauty of my partner. They were a ray of light and everything they did or didn’t do had a unique significance. I also felt a sense of somberness. You might find yourself writing poems or even songs. They’re probably terrible but hey, maybe you have a hit on your hands! [Read: Romantic attraction – How to know when you feel the real thing]

2. You’re obsessed and unproductive

Everything reminded me of my partner when I had oneitis: foods they enjoyed, words with a syllable the same as their name. I’d find myself daydreaming about being with them. I let go of seizing other important areas of my life because they didn’t seem to matter anymore. It was all about them.

3. You listen to love songs exclusively

When you’re deep in oneitis you get tunnel-vision, lose your swag, and so no longer understand the language of ‘game.’

You’ve thrown out music that aggressively talks about money, success, and fame. Now you’ve got a whole playlist dedicated to how it feels to be in love. You hum ‘I think about you everyday’ to yourself. You might even start searching for quotes that sum up how you feel. If you start sharing them on social media, you need to check yourself. [Read: 20 Most romantic songs for the one you love]

4. You’re just so needy

You’re on a drug. When you’re away from your partner you spiral downwards into a low mood. But being in their company is like being on a high. As long as you get your fix you’re good, though you sense it’s unhealthy. Your relationship feels less like enjoying a lovely meal and more like craving a sugar hit. [Read: 13 needy signs you’re too available for your partner]

5. You’re not sure where you begin and they end

When you’re completely all about a person they heavily influence you. You start adopting their way of speaking, thinking, their opinions, interests, the list goes on. It may also seem like a cool thing to do. However, you’re losing yourself in the midst of it all. A healthy relationship isn’t two people merging into one. It’s two individuals choosing to be together.

6. You’re partner is always right

You’re unable to think for yourself. So, in an argument or discussion you feel morally inferior and are more likely to bend. It isn’t that they’re actually right in reality. You simply let everything slide and let them be right. You do this because you’re worried about ‘rocking the boat’. By agreeing and letting them be right, you think they’ll stay. [Read: Are relationship fights normal? 15 signs you’re fighting too often]

7. You feel frustrated and weak

I think anyone who knows the source of their personal ‘joy’ depends on something pretty much outside of their control *another person* feels inner frustration. You feel trapped and as though you have no handle on the reins of your own life.

8. You feel powerless

First rule of any relationship: ‘the person who needs the other person least holds the most power in the relationship.’ When you have oneitis, you tend to give most of your power away like free candy. Until you’re a sniveling Mr. Smithers from The Simpsons telling Mr. Burns ‘I love you, arghhh, stop hitting me!’

9. You’ll do anything, even the crazy stuff

I once had 70+ missed calls by a girl that had oneitis for me. I was an unwitting asshole back then so I put it down to her being a crazy person. Truth is she was just crazy about us and wanted me to listen to her for a change. [Read: 15 instant hacks to the put the crazy away]

10. You’re giving off desperate vibes, because, well, you are desperate

Not good. Not good at all. Again, we want to be with winners – that’s a healthy way to approach life, I think. Having other options, but selecting someone as your best option, is way more flattering than just choosing a partner out of desperation.

11. You easily get bent out of shape

You need your partner to respond positively to you, or to give you validation constantly. Your moods depend on how well your relationship is going. How you feel always comes down to how your partner is behaving in some way or another. [Read: When you like someone: Are you losing yourself to impress them?]

12. You often feel hard done to

You often feel like you’re giving and not taking, but that’s a choice you’re making. Your partner is being told that they’re always right and that you’ll do anything for them. Of course they’re going to keep taking. As a result, you feel like a victim all the time, as though you’re hard done to on every aspect of life.

13. You’re very unproductive

Because your mood depends up on your partner’s mood and how well things are going, you can be extremely productive one day and very unproductive the next. You’re not at all consistent. That’s not great for your job, is it?

14. You can’t just let the small things go

You always need reassurance that everything is okay in your relationship. As such, if your partner is a little quiet one morning, you’ll constantly message them and ask what’s wrong. If you feel like you did something wrong (you probably didn’t), you’ll overcompensate to try and make up for it. You can never just let the small things go. Or anything for that matter. [Read: 8 Things to tell yourself when fighting with your lover]

What is your prognosis?

In a way, oneitis is a useful phenomenon. It makes you value one person enough to reduce your chances of being wooed by other third parties. This gives the two of you the chance to:

1 Develop strong bonds that could last a lifetime.

2 Focus on each other long enough to raise a family.

3 Mature, so that you act in a way that benefits both you and your partner. [Read: Signs of emotional maturity: 20 traits to look for in someone]

But here’s the WARNING…

Oneitis is probably more dangerous for guys. This is because women generally have far more romantic options than men do, and they’re innately better at being selective. So, they are far less likely to develop oneitis prematurely *unless they’re still in the Twilight Bella and Ed tween years of their life*.

It can still happen. Particularly when a woman seeks a man who is in say the top 10% compared to other men. But even the average woman automatically has several male suitors at any one time. More pickings for the kissing. [Read: Should you settle for less when you can have much more?]

By comparison, the average guy may have very few options. Scaaarce. So for the guy, developing oneitis most likely just makes him seem lame and unattractive. Not recommended!

Last point – feminine women are naturally more concerned with the flow of love, partly because they have a more limited amount of time to raise children. Therefore, it might be paramount for them to develop oneitis – to select one best option from the many. Perhaps this is more important the more attractive she is.

There are roughly four stages of the disease:

1. Stage 1 – You lose your game

Game, swag, sex appeal. Call it what you will. Losing your mojo is super dangerous. The masculine needs to worry about this far more than the feminine does. [Read: Right person, wrong time? How to learn to time things right in love]

For the feminine, they usually get hunted even when they’re married. Either way, it’s important to stay fresh. Think of Romeo and Juliet resorting to fake suicide because they did not have the skill-sets to create new options in their life.

When you feel boxed in, life gets real dark. Stay attractive, smooth, confident, self-assured, masculine/feminine. Keep that blade sharp. Keep that glow about you. [Read: Stop being socially awkward: 13 steps that’ll change you for good]

Stage 2 – You become the AFC

Becoming the Average Frustrated Chump in my opinion is a living tragedy. The second stage of losing your game—a near complete loss. It’s a state of quiet desperation, accepted helplessness. Being in oneitis makes you firmly hedge your chips on one person. When you’re not with them you feel torn up. But also you may accept being under-appreciated, under-sexed, or under-desired out of desperation.

If your partner flirts with others or seems dismissive with you and no longer excited to be in the relationship, you feel powerless and weak. Not a good place to be! [Read: How to reassure and win over a super-jealous lover]

Stage 3 – You become the unwise fool

Getting played for the fool can’t always be avoided. And it’s true for both men and women. But it’s especially true if you overlook warning signs. Are your friends and family telling you something negative about the person? Are they all saying the same thing? Maybe you just don’t want to hear.

Like the Montague and Capulet family beef in Romeo and Juliet, sometimes others are the ones with the issues. Maybe a friend is simply jealous of your relationship. But often, your single desire for one person blinds you to the realities of how that person behaves.

You also play yourself. Just think of the teacher-student affairs you read about in papers. Or huge divorce settlements after wild sudden romances. When you only see the positives in someone, it can be dangerous because you’re taking a gamble. This can lead to a broken heart, bitterness, and time-wasted. [Read: Fool me once shame on you – Don’t get fooled again]

Stage 4 – You never settle down

This one is dangerous for both men and women and particularly for women. In some ways, it’s the worst outcome. If you have this fantasy of the perfect one person you may never come across someone who measures up. You have unrealistic expectations of what it means to be in a relationship. You ignore the work and compromise and tolerance necessary for any healthy relationship.

[Read: Obsessive love: 15 ways to tell if it’s real or just unhealthy]

Obsession brings about amazing things. But, it’s unhealthy to have unrealistic expectations of any oneitis person. You’re sure to be left disappointed and push partners away.

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Anonymous Fella
Anonymous Fella
An unnamed guy with a great story and an idea to share, the Anonymous Fella is the secret voice that wants to be heard, but prefers to be masked under anonymity...