Being in a relationship with a narcissist is detrimental and challenging. Learning how to break up with a narcissist isn’t any easier, but we can help.
Narcissists are incredibly charming and can lure even the smartest of people into their trap.
You got caught up in the charade but can now see their true colors and notice their vain, selfish, manipulative, and controlling ways. You know that it can’t possibly be easy, but you need to know how to break up with a narcissist.
[Read: Narcissistic relationship – 36 signs, how it feels, patterns & how to end it]
What happens and how should you react when you break up with a narcissist?
Breaking up with a narcissist isn’t that easy and will take some extra planning.
You’re not dealing with an average, emotionally stable person. Narcissists are known to be highly insecure and cannot fathom the fact someone doesn’t want to be with them.
They don’t take rejection well. They’re also very good at playing mind games and using manipulation tactics. Don’t be surprised or swayed when they try to move things the way they want them to move. [Read: The signs of a narcissist and ways to break up with them]
1. It can feel brutal and sudden
More than likely, your relationship with a narcissist has been a whirlwind of drastic ups and downs. It’s unpredictable and never stable.
Your breakup will probably be the same. You might have a brutal build-up and find yourself on a merry-go-round of bobbing emotions, accusations, and manipulative games.
All of a sudden, it’ll be over. Narcissists will only care about you for as long as they can use you, so don’t be surprised if you’re tossed aside like you’re nothing.
2. Be prepared for begging, pleading, or bargaining
Narcissists are notorious for their inability to handle rejection or abandonment.
They might use every trick in their book to keep you around because they don’t know how to handle the idea that you actually want to leave. [Read: Gray rock method – what it is & how to use it on a narcissist]
They’ll probably start out by making a bunch of empty promises. They’ll say that they’ll change and work on their behaviors.
When that doesn’t work, they’ll move on to harsher things. A narcissist will often go back to their belittling trade and let you know that you’ll never find anyone else to love you.
3. The blame game
Narcissists are masters when it comes to deflecting responsibility.
They’ll do everything in their power to make everything your fault, and you might even start to believe that they’re right. Don’t fall for it.
This is one of their most practiced tactics. They’ll bring up every fault you ever had during your relationship.
4. Love-bombing
If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, you’ve most likely been love-bombed several times. Love-bombing is often used to make you feel like the bad guy for questioning whether or not things were that bad in the first place.
This just means that they go overboard trying to shower you with affection and love to get the results they want. This probably happened during your relationship after they had done something particularly crappy.
So when you’re learning how to break up with a narcissist, expect a little more love-bombing. [Read: Love-bombing – what it is, how it works, & 21 signs you’re being manipulated]
5. Smear campaigns
Because narcissists can’t accept blame, don’t be alarmed if they paint a bad picture of you when talking to others about the breakup.
They might make up a rumor or two. They might even divulge private things about your relationship or what they learned about you during your relationship.
This is nothing more than another way for them to push your buttons and get the upper hand they so desperately need.
6. Letting go when you’ve been let go of
You might find that you’re shocked at how you’re feeling after your breakup. [Read: The first week after a breakup – the hardest parts & 15 steps to survive and heal]
It might be because your narcissistic partner seemed to move on too quickly or you’re just feeling sad over losing the relationship.
You probably had no control during the relationship, so being without your narcissist is a strange feeling, and it makes it harder for you to move on.
To be honest, your narcissistic partner did not feel the same attachment to you that you felt for them. It has nothing to do with you. Narcissists just aren’t capable of deep connection in that way.
7. Establish no contact
When you’re finally out, the best thing you can do for yourself is cut all contact.
Block their number. Remove them from your social media accounts. Do whatever you have to do to make it impossible for them to get in touch with you. [Read: No contact rule – what it is, how to use it, & why it works so well]
The fact is that they WILL try to get in touch with you. They might do everything they can to get you back or just want to bring you down by letting you know that they’ve moved on.
Regardless of why they contact you, it’s almost guaranteed that they will. You’ll be better off if you don’t subject yourself to the risk.
8. Remind yourself why it ended
So many people who leave narcissistic relationships have a difficult time afterward.
Narcissists have a weird power over their partners, and finding yourself on the side of freedom can be overwhelming. You might have been controlled in the relationship without even realizing it, and now you feel like you’re at a loss.
Keep reminding yourself of why you left. Don’t let yourself be convinced that you miss them in any way.
9. They’ll move on quickly, and they’ll be sure to tell you about it
There isn’t a narcissist in the world who can go on without having the last word. Add this to their superiority complex and debilitating need to bring you down, and you’ve got a potential emotional disaster on your hands. [Read: Emotional abuse – what it is & 39 signs this relationship is breaking you]
Expect them to want to pretend that you never mattered. They’ll try to push your buttons and hurt you by letting you know that breaking up was the best possible thing that could have happened to them.
They’ll say that they’ve moved on and found someone ten times better. If you’re not expecting that, it can definitely hurt. But if you see it coming, you can prepare yourself by knowing that this is a narcissist problem rather than a you problem.
10. Expect grief and embrace it
Regardless of what went on in your relationship, it was important to you. You had real feelings for that person and spent a lot of time trying to nurture your relationship. You have every right to mourn that loss.
You’re going to feel sad about it at some point, and that doesn’t mean that you’re weak or that you should go back to the narcissist. It just means that you can sit with the grief of losing what you thought you had. [Read: Painful stages of heartbreak & grief we all go through after a breakup]
11. Focus on yourself and do things that make you happy
You might have a lot of rebuilding to do! Relationships with narcissists are rarely healthy and often involve a huge loss of self-confidence. Some people don’t even remember who they are after leaving a narcissistic relationship.
Spend as much time as you can undoing any damage that was done. Re-discover yourself by spending time with people that you care about. Get back into some of your favorite hobbies or pick up some new ones.
12. You’ll realize that relationships aren’t supposed to be that way
When you’re in the middle of a relationship, it can be really hard to look at it and see that it’s wrong, especially if your partner is a narcissist. Even when you think something isn’t right, they’re sure to tell you that you’re just crazy.
When you’re no longer in the heat of it, you’ll be able to clearly see just how toxic it was. [Read: Feeling trapped in a relationship – why you feel stuck & what you MUST do]
What to say when you break up with a narcissist
Because narcissists are so unstable, it’s hard to think of what to say when you’re trying to figure out how to break up with a narcissist.
The best thing you can do is keep it as neutral as possible.
Be direct and get straight to the point. Try to avoid criticism and blame. Do whatever you can to keep yourself from contributing to heated arguments because the fight is how a narcissist thrives. Keep it simple, and avoid adding fuel to the fire.
You’re allowed to simply say, “This is not a healthy relationship for me.”
How to break up with a narcissist and cut loose
You know the different things to expect and how to respond, but you really need to know how to break up with a narcissist.
It’s not a walk in the park, but it can be done.
1. Limit the time you spend with them
If you want to break up with them, start by limiting the amount of time you spend together.
Don’t hang out with them as often. Create the illusion that you can’t find time for each other. This will help make the breakup look more rational to them. [Read: Signs to recognize selfish people and steps to let them go for good]
2. Have an exit strategy
When you’re trying to figure out how to break up with a narcissist, you never know what you’re going to get. Have an exit strategy for multiple scenarios.
Pick a public place to end the relationship. It’ll make you feel safer and reduce the overall stress you may be feeling. If that doesn’t work for you, enlist a close friend or family member to wait nearby while you try to complete the breakup.
3. Honesty is not the best policy
In a normal breakup, it would be best for you to be honest with your partner, but this isn’t someone who properly handles honesty. Instead, they’ll use it against you.
Narcissists don’t know what to do with directness, vulnerability, and honesty, especially if you’re being direct, vulnerable, and honest in a way that paints them in a negative light.
Make sure to talk about the breakup as casually and middle-grounded as possible. [Read: How to handle a narcissist without falling apart and losing yourself]
4. Don’t make the breakup a big deal
If you don’t want drama, don’t create drama.
You need to treat your breakup like it’s not a big deal. Breakups happen all the time, and you simply are not a good match. If you can maintain that thought throughout the process, you might have an easier time.
5. It’s best for both of you
You do not want to make it sound like it’s only in your best interest to break up.
The best way to break up with a narcissist is by making it sound like the separation would be beneficial for both of you.
Saying, “I can’t handle you anymore,” isn’t a smart move. Instead, say, “I don’t feel that this relationship is working for either of us.” [Read: 25 ways to end a relationship without making it messy]
6. Don’t point the finger at them
You want this narcissist out of your life as soon as possible and without any drama. For that to happen, avoid pointing the finger at them and blaming them for the breakup.
Narcissists will never accept blame and will become defensive. It won’t work in your favor.
7. Don’t suggest friendship
If you bring up the idea of staying friends, you’re making a huge mistake. If the narcissist suggests friendship, just say no!
Remaining friends with this person puts you at risk of continuing to deal with their narcissistic behaviors and makes you more susceptible to their manipulation. [Read: The breakup conversation you can use to break up with someone in the nicest way possible]
8. There will probably be backlash
Even if you say and do everything right, there’s probably going to be backlash from a narcissist when you break up with them.
No one likes being dumped. Especially for narcissists, being dumped is a huge hit to the ego. They may try to hurt you by talking behind your back and tarnishing your reputation.
9. Tell your friends to stay quiet
You should tell your friends not to react to anything your ex says about you. The more they react, the more this narcissist will continue their negative actions.
Instead, avoid talking negatively about your ex to your friends, but educate them on what happened in the relationship. [Read: Your step-by-step guide for how to get out of an abusive relationship]
10. Remove all forms of communication
You broke up with a narcissist, which isn’t an easy thing to do. To cleanse yourself, remove them from all forms of social media, block them from your phone, and tell your friends not to tell you anything about them.
Move on and live your life freely.
11. Understand that you did all you could
There’s no way a narcissist will understand what they did wrong or apologize for their actions when you break up with them. You did everything you could, but now it’s time to draw the line.
Their problems are their responsibility. You can’t change their behaviors, but you can change yours. [Read: Narcissistic supply – how to control a narcissist & cut their power]
12. Stop trying to hold the narcissist accountable
We may have mentioned once or twice that narcissists just do not accept responsibility.
You will never be able to convince them that they did something wrong. It’s a fruitless argument that does nothing more than leave you feeling frustrated. Reasonable conversations can’t be had with narcissists. They’ll just use it as another opportunity to make you feel crazy.
13. Make a list of reasons why you’re leaving the relationship
Being able to identify the specific reasons why you want to leave the relationship is the most helpful thing you can do to solidify a strong mindset.
Knowing WHY you want to break up with a narcissist is essential to knowing HOW to break up with a narcissist because they’ll use every trick in the book to talk you out of it and get you to believe that you’re making things up. [Read: When to leave a relationship – 29 honest signs it’s time to say goodbye]
14. Surround yourself with supportive people
Many narcissists effectively isolate their partners. They chip away at any and all personal relationships you used to have until they’re practically depleted.
See if you can get back into those relationships. Nurture connections with your friends and family so that you have a healthy support system to fall back on.
15. Get rid of any reminders of the relationship
You probably can’t say that there were absolutely zero good parts to your relationship. You likely had a lot of good times with your partner. However, keeping anything that might remind you of any good times puts you in a bad spot. [Read: 49 proven secrets to stop thinking about your ex & forget them for good]
If your narcissist isn’t hanging over your head, you might start to forget that they ever were. Then, you’ll be questioning whether or not you did the right thing.
If you can see that it was good at times, you’ll start to wonder if it was ever even that bad.
16. Seek help from a therapist
Therapists are never a bad thing.
Narcissists can do a lot of damage to a person’s psyche, self-confidence, and sense of self during a relationship. A therapist can help you get all those things back.
They can help you find healthy coping mechanisms for when you’re not feeling so great about ending the relationship, and they can help reinforce all the reasons why it was the right thing to do.
[Read: How to break a narcissist’s heart and why it’s almost impossible to do]
It can be really difficult to know how to break up with a narcissist. The key is to think about why you have to do it so that you can remove yourself from a toxic situation.
