Relationship uncertainty is a normal and exciting part of a relationship–sometimes. But they hold many reasons why it’s dangerous for you.
Uncertainty means you’re not sure where the relationship is going *if there’s a relationship at all*. Or you’re not sure if you really want the person you’re with to be your life partner or you just want companionship. Relationship uncertainty could also mean a person loves you a lot, but still leaves you feeling like you’re walking on eggshells all the time.
If we allow ourselves to list all the uncertainties that could possibly spring from a relationship, we’d be writing a book thicker than the Bible.
But uncertainties in a relationship don’t mean that person is wrong for you. If you gauge the potential of a relationship based on certainty, you would not get past the dating stage. Every person you date is not only getting to know their dates, they also get to know themselves and the relationship in the process. That is why it’s unrealistic to expect certainty when the relationship is still in the early stages. [Read: 9 relationship stages all couples go through]
Uncertainty in relationships
Uncertainty becomes unhealthy it when goes on for a long time *more than a year* and both parties are not talking about it or doing anything to push the relationship forward.
You might say “Well, it’s better than nothing. I have nothing to lose anyway.” But in reality, you do have a lot to lose. Here are some of the reasons why it’s dangerous to stay in a relationship full of uncertainty.
#1 Uncertainty can have a huge blow to your self-esteem. If you’re dissatisfied with the status of your relationship, you start blaming and feeling sorry for yourself. You question yourself. These questions haunt you and will be detrimental to your self-esteem.
Unless you manage your expectations and do something about your relationship, these toxic thoughts lead you to a downward spiral. You start to believe you are not deserving of the kind of love you want, so in effect, you just accept the things given to you.
#2 Zero accountability. If you feel uncertain about your status as a couple or have not talked about your roles and limitations, it’s easy for either of you to not be accountable for the well-being of the other. Rules were not set so technically, neither of you is responsible for each other’s lives.
If you experience a rough time, should you demand they visit you so you’ll share your troubles or would that be too much? If you lost your job, should you expect the other person to pay for your bills? The lack of certainty in a relationship is beneficial only to the one who wants a carefree life. They get to enjoy the good times but bail out on the bad.
#3 Realizing we don’t love them after all. To some of us, we find it challenging the person we adore is hard-to-get and unpredictable. They are hot one minute then extremely cold the next. It drives us crazy but we love it! We are then on a mission to make the other person fall head over heels in love with us.
We play their game because we’re so in love with the chase. Once all the chasing and drama ends, we might not like the person after all.
If the uncertainty prolongs, the chase prolongs, too, thus delaying the time we get to know the person on a deeper level. Imagine if you realize this after you had your wedding. That would be one big, expensive, life-changing whoops for you. [Read: 18 emotions you should never feel in a happy relationship]
#4 The chance of meeting the right person is greatly minimized. Even though you have plenty of uncertainties in your relationship, you don’t want to date other people. You are still hopeful things turn out right and it’s against your principles to see other people when you’re with someone.
This limits your chances of meeting other eligible life partners because they are too scared to approach you knowing you are with someone. You automatically turn down dates because you’re with someone else. You don’t make yourself more presentable for others. Imagine the regret if you say no to a person you truly adore just to stick to an uncertain relationship that eventually ends. [Read: Right person, wrong time? The key to timing it all right]
#5 Chronic stress. Being in an uncertain relationship makes us feel lonely, tired, and generally unhappy. Sure, you laugh a lot and enjoy each other’s company, but if you experience uncertainty in your relationship that has not been addressed for too long, then you find yourself conflicted. You enjoy each other but the fact the relationship isn’t moving forward keeps you up at night.
You get giddy reading her sweet poems for you but when you see her talking to her ex, you feel the need to punch a wall. Having uncertainty in a relationship makes you emotionally stressed and unstable. There are times you’d even start to question your sanity.
#6 Your life plans become uncertain too. You want a wedding, three kids, and a nice beach house, but your partner cringes every time you talk about it. We all have plans, yet when you are in an uncertain relationship, they became part of our lives. We accommodate them fully to the point we tweaked our life plans.
We integrate our life plans with their life plans because, of course, we want to be together with them in the future. This “integration” affects us in every aspect of our life from the kind of career we try to build to the kind of shows we watch on TV.
#7 One day you realize you wasted a decade waiting. We’re not getting any younger, yet we believe things will turn out fine. Optimism and unconditional love are wonderful traits. But if you find yourself waiting for a long time for things to happen, things to change, things to finally settle so you become one solid couple in a stable relationship, maybe it’s time to be selfish. Yes, you read that right.
Tell your partner what you really want. Ask them if you’re on the same page. You should get your answers and be level-headed in dealing it.
If you still feel uncertain in your relationship even after you talked things through, ask yourself if you’re willing to wait more. Bear in mind there’s still no guarantee even if you choose to wait.
We can’t be fully certain of how things turn out in our relationships. If the uncertainty is caused by the other person and it affects you greatly, then it’s important to do something about it using a timeline that’s fair for both parties.