When someone ignores you you wonder why, but do you ever wonder why you are ignoring someone? What is the psychology of ignoring someone?
We have all been ignored by someone at some point. Whether it was a friend, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or someone you barely know, it still stings. What is exactly is the psychology of ignoring someone based on?
Being ignored can be worse than getting into a fight because you are left with no explanation. Being ignored can feel like baseless punishment, so why do we do it to others?
What is the intent of ignoring someone?
When you ignore someone, you are essentially giving them the silent treatment. And what does that really do? It is a passive aggressive way to deal with something rather than facing it head on.
Why you think you ignore someone versus why you really ignore them
Ignoring someone takes a lot of energy, sometimes more so than actually talking about whatever is bothering you. You have to actively remind yourself to not respond to text messages, reach out, or tag them in a funny meme.
Why go through all that when you can just talk about it?
#1 You think they should know why you’re mad. When in a relationship, many people expect their partner to know how they feel without them ever saying it. And if you ignore them hoping it will just come to them, you are in for a long wait.
Talk about it. It can be scary to admit that you’re mad and have an adult conversation about it. But not talking doesn’t solve anything. Your partner not knowing exactly what is upsetting you doesn’t mean they don’t care, it just means they are human. So fill them in, and you’ll both feel a lot better a lot quicker.
#2 They ignored you. Getting someone back or giving them a taste of their own medicine might seem like a good way to show them how you feel at first, but when you really think about it what will it do? If you hate being ignored, why create a pattern of it? This will just go back and forth forever.
Although you may think you are showing them what they have done to you, this is wildly unhealthy behavior. It is like cheating on someone because they cheated on you. It does not make things even nor does it show them. What it does do is create a void where you do not talk. [Read: Positive ways to forgive and unburden your mind]
How to fix it
Someone who ignores you may not even notice that you are ignoring them, and if they do they won’t know why. Instead of giving your partner a taste of their own medicine, talk to them. Ask them why they ignore you and tell them how it makes you feel rather than expecting them to feel the same as you.
They may not have even realized that they were ignoring you. Or maybe you didn’t realize they can’t use their phone at work. Talking about a problem is the only way to get anywhere.
#3 You need to cool off. A lot of people, especially those who are hot headed, ignore someone in order to cool off and calm down. Or at least that is what you may think you’re doing. I am all about cooling off before talking about something that upsets you, but going straight into ignore mode is not useful. [Read: How to perfect the silent treatment and use it the right way]
How to fix it
If you really need time to calm down before talking, clue your partner in. Let them know you’re upset but don’t want to start a fight so you want to cool down before bringing it up. This way they will know why you went silent.
Also sometimes, cooling off is just an excuse to put off an inevitable argument. During the time you claim to be calming down you may be getting more worked up. You have the time to overthink, overanalyze, and get more upset. You may make up your mind about a fight without even consulting your partner.
#4 You want to break up. If you ignore someone because you want to break up, and you don’t want to deal with the potential fall out, you are ghosting them. This to you may seem harmless. You might think they will get the picture and you may be afraid you’ll say the wrong thing. Not wanting to hurt the other person is always the excuse.
In reality, ignoring someone is much more hurtful than actually ending things upfront. You might think this is best, but flip the situation around. How would you feel if you were ignored rather than given the respect of a conversation? [Read: Like ghosting? Prepare yourself for these 10 consequences]
How to fix it
Slowly backing out or flat out ignoring someone will not make them less hurt about you ending things. In fact it is a type of abuse and can be a lot more harmful to their psyche than you can even imagine. If you are scared about what to say, just rip the Bandaid off. Tell them you are sorry, but it won’t work out. Give them the best reason you can.
This way at least they know a little of your reasoning and can have a bit of closure. Without that they can wander and get down of themselves because they don’t know what they did wrong.
#5 They don’t deserve a response. When you are angry, you might think your partner doesn’t deserve a response. You might think they don’t deserve your attention at all. I’ve been there. Someone did something wrong and you don’t want to give them the time of day.
But again ignoring someone says a lot more about you then it will say to them. They won’t see this the same way you do.
#6 You think they will change. This is a biggie. People do not want to ask for what they want. Instead you ignore them hoping they will change or apologize or say they miss you. That is putting a lot of weight on a silent treatment.
If you think ignoring someone will push them closer to you I am sorry to say you are way off base. Ignoring someone by definition only pushes them away in every way.
How to fix it
If you want someone to apologize or change, you have talk about it. Even if ignoring them works, it is only a temporary fix to whatever the problem is. Without talking about it, you can keep going through this process over and over until it drives you apart permanently, when a simple conversation could have brought you closer. [Read: A guide on effective communication in a relationship]
#7 You want control. The age-old saying that whoever cares less has the power is not only a load of crap, but is also wildly unhealthy. If you ignore someone, you may think you look like you have the control. If you put less effort in they will care more and chase you.
Just like playing hard to get, this is a bad idea. It makes your relationship remain on the surface level and focuses on control and power rather than love and partnership.
How to fix it
Compromise: A relationship should be a team, not a boss and a subordinate. I mean, do what you like in the bedroom, but in terms of your relationship it should be equal. You should both give and take. It does not have to be 50:50 necessarily, but you cannot have all the power.
If that is what you want, not only is ignoring someone not the way to get it, but you are not ready to be in a healthy relationship.